MEN ARE LIKE.....
Men are like laxatives
... they irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like computers
... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers
... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate
bars ... sweet, smooth, and they usually head
right for your
hips.
Men are like coffee
... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.
Men are like horoscopes
... they always tell you what to do and
are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers
... they spend most of their lives in a
hardware store
or the bathroom.
Men are like cement
... after getting laid, they take a long
time to get hard.
A man is like a
snowstorm ... you never know when he's coming,
how many inches
you'll get, or how long it will last.
What should you
give a man who has everything? A woman to show
him how to work
it.
How does a man
show he's planning for the future? He buys two
cases of beer instead
of one.
Why are men like
lawnmowers? They're hard to get started, emit
foul smells and
don't work half the time.
What's the difference
between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the
dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men find
it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts
don't have eyes.
What's the difference
between men and government bonds? Bonds
mature.
How many men does
it take to change a toilet paper roll? We
don't know, it
hasn't happened yet.
Why are men like
tile floors? If you lay them right the first
time you can walk
all over them for years.
What do you call
a man with half a brain? Gifted.
AND FINALLY ...
Why is it hard
for women to find men who are sensitive, caring
and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
**note
from mayling: i received the above in an email. I don't mean
to offend anyone, especially guys, but there r some guys who probably would
fit the above descriptions.**
When a man goes
on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A
woman
already knows.
-- Frederick Ryder
Women need a reason
to have sex -- men just need a place.
-- Billy Crystal.
I love the lines
the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put
it in for a minute."
What am I, a microwave?
-- Beverly Mickins
(American comedienne)
Do you know why
God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we
may love you instead
of laugh at you.
-- Mrs. Patrick
Campbell (English actress)
Eventually, all
men come out of the bathroom dressed as a majorette.
-- Ernestyne White
A woman's appetite
is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four
times; her intelligence,
eight times.
-- Sanskrit proverb
There's very little
advice in men's magazines, because men don't think
there's a lot they
don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men
think, "I know
what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
We got new advice
as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his
hands for masturbation.
-- Jane Wagner
You know why God
is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have
made sperm taste
like chocolate.
-- Carrie Snow
Women still remember
the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
-- Remy de Gourmant
(French writer)
A man loses his
sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers
after four kisses.
-- H.L. Mencken
(American writer, 1888-1956)
When women hold
off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men
hold off
from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
-- Warren Farrell
(American Psychologist)
Only two things
are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let
her think she is
having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
Why get married
and make one man miserable when I can stay single and
make thousands
miserable?
-- Carrie Snow
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