Before you begin exploring into the depths of my inner self, I must warn you my thoughts are really jumbled up thoughts(my grammer/spelling/syntax might be wrong too but who cares) and they are just my very honest opinions. I do not mean to anger anyone =) I tried not to fill this page with too much melancholy and emotion but it's just what naturally comes out of me ometimes. Before you make any conclusions about me, i will tell you that i'm far from "normal". Actually, define "normal" for me. If you don't like reading what you're reading, then don't read it! Simple as that. I am aware that not everyone sees things the same way. Ok, I think that you may procede now, start perusing at your own leisure--but only if you are brave enough. feminism \ appearance \ My dreams \ Education \ My failures \ The internet/icq/email \ Love and friendship\ Family\Right and Wrong\ Bbtea and sushi \ Highschool \ Guys \ Mall Rat \ Music \ Gossip \ Glasses \ nutling\ (Bad)Memories \ on hatred \ checking out other girls \ feelings\ existence\ Sometimes \ wonder \ alive \ i'm a hyprocrite\ A Poem go to bottom of page feminism I do think feminism is good but it seems that it's overdone sometimes. I don't think feminism means hating guys. It means more (equal) opportunities for us women and it means the freedom to do more things. No more discrimination because we are of the female race. Some girls just seem TOO proud though. I don't think there's anything wrong with being proud because i'm very proud to be a girl but there's too much guy bashing going on. Sexism can go both ways. We shouldn't be guy bashing. And how should the "female of the 90s or the new millenium" be anyway? I sometimes think to myself that feminism isn't all it's cracked up to be. I mean, it's cool that we can vote and how we don't have to stay home and cook and clean all day but women now still suffer from inequality. Here is an example. Many wives go home after a hard day of work so that she can do the same amount of chores she had to do before women entered the work force. The husband still expects a nice home cooked meal and he later retires to the family room to watch some tv while the wife still has to slave over the chores she has piled up while she was at work. The hours of work that a women must put in seems to have GROWN over the years. The unpaid work she has to do does not seem to count at all. This is not the case for all households but it does exist. I am still young and have yet to have a family of my own but hopefully in the future the household chores will be shared equally between my (future)husband and I. speaking of marriage. It means a lot to me. It can be argued that it's not a big deal, especially in today's society where so many people live together, sleep together, have kids together BEFORE marriage. It's one of those things that most of us women look forward to our whole lives. meeting that special someone and hopefully MARRYING one day. It's a bigger promise to me than just living with a guy even though he loves me. If he really loved me, then he can ask me to marry him. Oh well, I'm still young but it scares me because I read articles of (frustrated, confused, and brokenhearted) women who just can't get their special someones to do the "i dos" with them. (back to the top) appearance I’m happy with the way I look. Like most people, sometimes I feel pretty ugly, sometimes I feel pretty good about myself, but most of the time I just wish I could look better although I’m ok with my average appearance. I'm just an average girl but our society wants above average and looks do matter, at least to a certain point. I'm pretty sure all of us have at some time thought about what it the word "beautiful" means...it really depends on the eye of the beholder..although it seems that many of us see the same people as beautiful. I think personality adds to our perceptions of how beautiful people are. A nasty person may be ok looking but the bad attitude would make that person appear uglier. There seems to be so much pressure these days for girls to look really really good. There is also pressure on guys but maybe not as much. I mean us girls do like guys who are gorgeous but then we still like them ok if they don't look that good..even if they are a lil "fat". Another thing is that SOME guys often don't go past the looks to the personality part unless the girl is at least average looking and relatively thin. Even us girls judge other girls by appearance often in our society. Admit it. It's the way things are and it doesn't look like it's changing anytime soon. We put a lot of (too much??) value on good looks and I'm not too sure the majority of us can live up to societal expectations anymore. It does helps by believing in oneself and not caring too much if peeps call you "ugly"...if you have confidence in yourself, so will everyone else-well..maybe not everyone cuz that's life. But confidence does help. People can see whether you are the confident type or not. Some people are gonna hate you no matter what. I've been called ugly @ times in my life before but what can I do? I suffer from low self-esteem sometimes. It comes and goes. It's part of my painful past and no matter how much I change or try to, it's still living deep within me. We say looks aren't everything, but in a way we are just trying to deny the truth. Looks are in fact not EVERYTHING but appearance really does matter to you, me, everyone. Maybe it's a sad fact, but it's true. There are so many things we don't like about life that's true and this is one of them. I find myself wavering back and forth between that feeling of not belonging, that horrible feeling of "ugliness" and feeling good about myself, feeling accepted, and feeling "pretty". I know that looks aren’t everything. I mean I’m always saying that but sometimes I think I’m saying in a way just to reassure myself that I’m NOT "ugly". Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but what if many beholders see the same thing? On most days I feel ok about myself, and on some days I feel really good about myself but on certain days I feel sooo ugly =( I'm sure I'm not in this alone though. There must be other people who feel the same way. I've read that the actress Elisa Donaovan(from the tv show "clueless") feels the same way sometimes. I think my mere existence bothers some people. Sometimes it even bothers me. (back to the top) My dreams Who hasn’t heard of the question: “what do u wanna do when u grow up”? Is that really a question that can be answered with no doubt and uncertainty? And when do we “grow up”? Does what I want to do with my life really coincide with what really will happen in my life? I guess it should. Because we all have dreams and goals we want to and strive to achieve. Many of the goals in my life have changed over the years as I discover what I want to do and can do, and even what I should do. When I was younger i wanted to be a teacher but my parents didn't like the idea too much. They would prefer me to do somethin like pharmacy but we all settled for accounting. But as i started my first year at UBC, i decided that if that was where i was heading, i had zero motivation. Sometimes I just don't want to grow up. I lament the days when I didn't have to think about the future. Growin up really is hard to do sometimes. Recently, my parents finally accepted the idea that I want to be an elementary teacher one day. This September(1998) I entered UBC hoping to get a B.Comm in four years and subsequently enter the exciting world of Chartered Accounting. 10 months later(today) I did not feel that way anymore. The future is unpredictable but I still plan on getting that teaching degree I once dreamed of. Some people laugh at this idea because many of them doubt that teaching is the best profession, maybe it isn’t, but that is what I want to do when I grow up… (back to the top) Education I’m now going into 2nd year at the University of British Columbia. I'm hoping to get an English major. Then it's off to the Faculty of Education. Well, that's what I hope to happen. But life never seems to take the exact path you want it to take which is kind of scary. Uncertainty adds spice to life for sure, but it also is a lot of worry. Change scares me. When I get comfortable with they way things are, the grounds moves once again and I find myself once again having to adjust to a new situation. Elementary school was fun. No homework in the primary levels and who could forget show and tell, naptime, carpet time, assemblies, and recess? Being a little kid always meant wanting to be the kid in the grade above you because they were a little bigger and they no longer had tables in their classrooms but desks. And then we got to use pens instead of pencils. Highschool was one of the biggest and scariest times of my life. I think I can probably write forever about those short but very long 5 years. This first year of university seemed like a whole new chapter in my life. It’s barely started yet and so there’s not much I can say about it except that I may have made some pretty bad mistakes this year and I realized that I’m not that strong or wise a person as I thought I was. Sometimes those who you think are wrong are right. (back to the top) My failures, quitting We all make mistakes in life. I make plenty. If you are perfect, please email me and tell me how. There are so many things that we can make a mistake doing but life is about taking chances, taking risks. If not, life would not be worth living. I worked hard in highschool because there was no way to live up to my parents’ insatiable expectations otherwise. University is different. I failed this year, not one but two courses. It was because I didn’t try. I was a first class failure. I no longer had the motivation because I was so confused about my life. I’m only 18 and hopefully I still may reconcile and do ok in life. But this year I think made some really big mistakes. I’ve gone this far yet I almost gave up. I’ve been taught that giving up is weak. But sometimes quitting is the right decision because you’re initial decision may be wrong. But I still believe one should not give up easily because life is about challenges, and working hard is part of being great. (back to the top) The internet/icq/email The internet is a powerful thing. Some people make a living because of it and some people ruin their lives because of it. Used wisely, the internet can be a great tool. You can surf, chat, icq(iseekyou), email, download stuff, play games, research, and the list goes on.(do I sound like an encyclopedia here or what??) Much of my time this year since I’ve gotten online(sept.98) was spent icqing, chatting, and working on my webpage. I think I almost let it replace a big chunk of my life and when I think in retrospect, I wish I did not choose to spend so much time online. You meet people who you do not want to meet. You see things you do not want to see. (trust me, there is a LOT out there) This would not be so bad if the internet was not so darn addictive. I admit I was once addicted to the internet and spent a good deal of my time on it accomplishing nothing. It took me a VERY long time to get bored of it and realize that I WAS addicted. I started as an email fanatic. Nowadays, email can be accessible by anyone even if u don’t have an internet connection of your own. You can use a web-based email address(i still like hotmail) which you can check at a friend’s house or at school. They don’t let you at the public library. Email soon seemed old in comparison with icq. Icq allows you to see when your friends are online, to message them and so many at once too. It was a whole new form of communication and soon I found myself online for hours just messaging or chatting over Icq. I still love icq, it’s pretty neat, no doubt about that. But soon u start to write like dis and u forget how 2 write normally and u soon realize how stupid u r when u write ur english essay and find out dat ur spell check ish workin overtime. U also start 2 think of peeps by their nicknames instead of their real names. I think I’m pretty much known as “nutling”, “nuttie” or “nut” by everybody on and off the net now. I’m not trying to say the internet is bad. I really do think it’s pretty cool. It’s just that too much of a good thing is bad. (back to the top) Love and friendship I like the saying “love like you have never been hurt”. I don’t think one CAN love someone fully with all their heart if they believed things were going to end. One can fall in love and fall out of love many times in their lives. Hopefully one will fall in love with someone one day and not fall out of love and this may be the person who was meant for him or her. What is love anyway? What is the meaning of love? Is it merely a strong desire? Or is it more than that? The word love is sometimes used too often and loses its meaning but sometimes the love is absent and there is not enough of it. Love is such an abstract word. I can probably go on and on for pages about my thoughts and love and other people’s thoughts on love. Love is an emotion. We feel it and I think that it is such an intense and indescribable feeling that the words “I love you” don’t even come close to showing how much it means. I learned in psych 100 that when you love someone, it begins with passionate love(physical) and this love may eventually evolve into companionate love(a fondness..like the love that your parents probably share). That is supposed to be the best kind of love there and that is the kind of love that one usually shares with their life partners. You're supposed to know that you're growing out of the passionate love stage when you see the differences between you two and I guess that is when so many factors determine whether you two can be with each other in the LONG run. Many people mistaken that transition from passionate love to companionate love as falling outta love I think. Love is so confusing, yet nothing beats the feeling of being on cloud 9. I think i'm an infatuation junkie. I really love the feeling when you first begin to like someone A LOT. We can love so many people and things. One can love doing something or eating something, one can love their friends and family, and one can love another so much that they would want to spend their whole lives with him/her. Not that love is all positive or happy-happy stuff. It is also the cause of heartbreak, fights, and sorrow. What can you do if you love someone but only to find out that you are not loved in return? Love can make you bitter and can sometimes leave you feeling confused and alone. I think love is a need, life isn’t worth living without love. Why question it? I just want to love and be loved. Don’t we all? It’s much better than hate. (back to the top) Family Yes I have a family. A mom, a dad, and a little brother who isn’t so little anymore. No pets though. I wish I had a dog but my parents think that it would mess up the house. I guess they may be right but I intend to get one in the future anyway. I once had a bunny rabbit but only my closest friends get to know what happened to it. Sometimes, especially when I was younger, I would wish I had a different family. It always seemed that so many people had better families than mine. But the more mature and wiser me now knows that family is not to be taken for granted. It is in a way all we have. Friends come and go but your family is family no matter what. I’m always joking around with my friend how one can do so many things one would not do around friends. You can look like a slob around your family but they are still there. Friends sometimes don’t tolerate as much as your family can or would. I don’t think I care to trade mine for anybody’s. (back to the top) Right And Wrong-Jan. 14th, 2000 Sometimes I just feel so opinionated that I can't help but to argue. I guess one thing that never ceases to be a topic of discussion is what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes I feel like i'm so right, yet I know that it's not true. I guess, like others, I sometimes forget that there's not only black and white, but there is also grey. I guess if you know me well enough, i'm the last to stick to my opinions because i'm a "hyprocrite". Sometimes I am, because i'm weak. Or other times I just realize i'm wrong or I see another side. We're all entitled to our opinions. But then, how do we know when we are wrong? What i'm thinking about right now is racism. I'm pretty sure bigots out there really do believe that they are right, even though racism, or any kind of prejudice, is wrong. These questions lead to other things.. This is the only place i'll admit it. I am not a virgin. And I'm not ashamed, nor am I regretful. This whole issue does not bother me too much but once in a while, though, it does; about a year ago I was VERY opinionated about the topic of virginity. I told myself, and all those around me how I planned on sharing it with only one person, when I marry him. I've only shared it with one person, my dearest, but we aren't married. I'm not really religious, but I have strong feelings about what is right and wrong but I guess because of this, I feel like this is practically the most hyprocritical act i've ever done. One thing I learned though, is that one's eyes open with experience. A lot of things that seemed strange or wrong to me, no longer are strange or wrong. Is this because I now see the grey? Or is it because I've turned into a horrible person w/ no morals and values? This is one of the internal conflicts I face... (back to the top) Bbtea and sushi Bubbletea or sushi anyone? =) Those two things are my obsession right now. I just love those two things. Why? Because they taste so good. In general, I just like FOOD. I think I hated bubbletea the first time I tasted it. That’s because you can get either really good bubbletea, mediocre bubble tea, or just plain yucky bubbletea and the first time I had really yucky bubbletea. I guess my favourite place to go for some nice mango bubbletea is Dragonball. It’s pretty good stuff and it became a weekly after school ritual for my friends and I. Bubbletea is a social get-together kinda thingie too. I never went alone before I don’t think. Sushi is kind of the same. I don’t really like just plain california rolls but then I would settle for that over nothing. As a once novice sushi lover, I was only acquained with california rolls. My favourites would be salmon sushi, chopped scallop rolls, EBI Tempura rolls, oyster motiyaki, and seafood sunomono. I like lunchboxes too. Is your mouth watering yet? Well, mine is. =P heehee..just that these two things are a little on the expensive side. If only I were rich girl, I would have have bubbletea and sushi everyday. =) (back to the top) Highschool I think highschool was one of the worst periods of my life yet it was also the most memorable so far. I had plenty of bad experiences but I have some pretty nice memories too. With each year that passed by, those five years seemed to be going by faster and faster than ever. Time usually goes by slowly when you’re having a good time, so I guess I had a pretty good time in highschool then. But I would say I easily sympathized with Drew Barrymore’s character in her movie, “Never Been Kissed”. Grade eight seemed to go by in a blur. I don’t really remember how it was. My friends would say that I was quite weird. I don’t know. Maybe I was. But I don’t think anyone remembered anyway because I’m sure most of us was in the same hazy cloud I was on. Grade nine was different. That year was when people actually started to notice that I really was not “the same”. I dressed differently, talked differently, and was just “different”. You could say I was a geek, nerd, or whatever term people labeled people who were like me. Not that I did not have friends. I did, and at times I had tons. But having lots of friends really didn’t matter. I still felt like a loner. Friends come and go, but the really good ones stick by you. I didn’t really have that many good ones I guess. I’ve switched groups of friends several times and eventually, I was changed to “fit in” and you could say this was the beginning of the me now. Is it the real me? I think it is. People have the ability to change. Maybe not for the better but I’m not that same person I once was although I do have part of that “differentness” in me. We all do. It’s just some people choose to hide it more than others. What does it mean to be “popular” anyway? "What is popular might not be right, and what is right may not be popular." Grade ten was a lot better than grade nine. People liked the “new me” a lot better than my old one. But I still had the shyness and low self-esteem in me-probably the result of years of being made fun of and not being accepted. Grade ten was still scary and if you ask most people who knew me then, they would say I never spoke a word. I was a mute. English 10 enriched was definitely not the class to be mute in. I had a teacher that was feared by so many, but this is the same teacher I would love so much in grade 12. Grade Eleven was pretty much a transition into grade 12. No one really remembers my existence in grade eleven I don’t think. I was pretty much still that girl who smiled a lot but never said a word. Grade twelve was a mix of bad and good things. By then, we’ve had all matured some at least and I actually started to have the confidence to talk and believe in myself. I didn’t let things bother or scare me like it used to. I even talked in composition11C and had that same teacher I had in grade 10 but this time I was not afraid to speak. Graduation came and went and we all wished it did not have to end. I was happy though. Some things are just meant to be experienced once. I might have done those five years differently if I had a second chance but for sure I would pass on the opportunity to do it all over again. (back to the top) Guys Sometimes i just can't understand the male race. Actually, I NEVER do. I guess it's because i'm a girl and girls and guys really are so different. Not that I dislike guys. They don't seem to gossip as much as girls do. They can be so sweet and do things for you. They can be fun. But then they can seem to be always talking or thinking about cars, sex, food, drinking, sleeping, cars, sex, and sleeping. It seems that a guy's car is HIM. he spends so much time and money on it and they show them off. They even take pictures of their cars. Maybe i'm weird but I feel JEALOUS sometimes. Maybe if i were a car, then i would get more attention. Despite all this, it would be horrible if guys were like us girls. =) And in a way, i always wonder how a day in the life of a guy would be like =Þ (back to the top) Mall Rat I haven't been to the mall much lately. I can already hear it: "she's a mall rat. she's a mall rat, mall rat, mall rat" =Þ In highschool i used to go at least once a week. I guess i'm a shopaholic. Buying somethin new always makes me so happy. I just love clothes. And when i do go shopping, it's always fun with a girl friend. This is one of the things I think teenagers spend a lot on besides clothes, music, cars, entertainment, and food. I can spend all day at the mall with my friends. I guess that fits the “girls love the mall” stereotype. I just do. It’s a place to hang out and you can still have fun even though u didn’t buy anything. I never go there to check out guys. I think guys do that. Checking out girls. Ok, I don’t want to be killed for saying this. I’m sure not all guys do, just some. Right guys? RIGHT????? Heehee. (back to the top) Music This is one of my favourite things in life. My radio is almost always on and it’s what wakes me up every morning. I love bands especially and I have an endless list of songs I like. I even like songs that I don’t like. I didn’t make sense there did I? Let me explain. Have you ever had this experience before? You have the radio on, then you hear this song playing and right then you stop cause that song reminds you of something. Songs do that to me all the time. Songs remind me of people, places, of good and bad times, and do much more. Even songs I don’t like that much bring back vivid memories in my mind. I think music is even better at bringing back memories than photos. (back to the top) Gossip It seems like some people in life really don't have anything to do but talk behind other people's backs. Why talk about stuff that doesn't concern them the slightest bit??? I've been the victim of gossip for years. When confronted, they tell me that there's nothing interesting in their lives and so they talk about mine. I don't think i should be the target of gossip just because i have an "interesting life". Everyone should just leave everyone else alone. I once got a comment that really angered me. This certain girl I knew was sitting in the bus with several other of my so called friends. Then someone brings up something "they've heard about from someone" about me and they ask me about it and why i dont' ever tell them stuff. Well, if i thought i wanted to tell anyone anything, then i would've but it's quite simple. I didnt' feel like i wanted to or needed to so I didn't. And gossip never seems to be even 50% true. Much of the "facts" are made up to make up for the missing parts they dont' know. I denied the stories that have been going around and i guess i seemed upset. The girl says to me, "mayling, if you don't like them saying things that aren't true, then why dont' u just tell us all the details?" That was so stupid because NONE of it was their business anyway. My grade three teacher told us what MYOB meant: Mind Your Own Business. (back to the top) Glasses I think this is one of the things I’m bugged about the most besides my height. Well, not anymore really after I got out of highschool but almost everybody I’ve met used to comment on my wearing glasses. What’s the big deal? Why should I have to get contacts? It's nice to see more people accept glasses now and I’ve noticed that less people bug me bout my glasses now. A lot more people are nearsighted now it seems. Too much time spent in front of the television and blinding technology I think. Maybe one day I’ll get contacts, but for now I’m happy wearing my glasses. (back to the top) Behind the “nut” in nutling Yes, I am a “nut”. Well, at least that’s my nickname online. Nutling is what I’m known as on Asianavenue.com, collegeclub.com, icq, and various things online that require a nickname. I would have nutling as my nick on yahoo but it was (surprisingly) already taken =( There are many “nuts” on the net. I would like to think that I’m the one and only “nutling” =) I’m probably not considering how vast the internet is so maybe it’s not that original. It’s more original than “sexycutebaby” or the like though. And I think it’s more original than my real name “Mayling”. “Mayling” is actually a very very popular and common Chinese name. The “ling” in nutling came from the second part of my real name. Nut+ling=nutling. Ok, now i'm moving on to the origins of "nutling". A friend gave it to me in highschool when I opened my first email account and I needed a name. It just stuck and it seems that I’ll be forever known as “nutling” now. It annoys me sometimes because now some people expect me to be nutty 100% which i'm not. I'm pretty serious sometimes too. (back to the top) (Bad)Memories Many of the bad things that I’ve experienced in my (so far 18 years) young life are still vivid in my mind, maybe even more vivid as my fondest memories. I can recall many going back to my childhood. In kindergarten(ok, I will refrain from using names although I do remember them clearly) this was not one but two girls that I was not particularly fond of. I guess since the beginning, girls never really liked me. My best friends have been guys and they seem less likely to backstab you. One was this girl who had the same “indoor shoes” as me. I think she was one of those spoiled brats who always had things her way and one day she took my shoe claiming it was hers. This started a fight and soon after you could say we had our first “shoe fight”. Shoes thrown around(by her I think) and lotsa tears(mine, mine, and mine). No, I’m not weird because I was involved in a “shoe fight”. There was one involving two girls in the changing room in gr. 7 I think but this time, I was not involved. Then this was this girl who bullied me around lots in kindergarten and gr. 1. The meanest thing bout her is that she was a “pincher”. Pinching hurts. Telling on her would only get me a lecture on “tattling” and my mom thought that girl was an angel and so I endured lots of pinching that year. By now, I bet people would assume I’m easily bullied around. I guess I am. But the world has enough bullies and meanies as it is, and why should I join in and be one too? Just because others are being idiots doesn’t mean one should join in and be one too. It really does take more heart, intelligence, and strength to be different sometimes, especially not being stupid and idiotic. I guess i believe in a naive philosophy that everyone should be NICE. I bet some people would disagree to this. I’ve had this debate before with others. It’s just my way of seeing things and we all see thing through different eyes and interpret things differently. I know I’m wrong sometimes, just like everybody else because I’m far from being perfect. (back to the top) on hatred I don't comprehend how some people are so paranoid that the whole world is full of only hatred. I think that it is often these people who are full of hatred. The good don't always win, but isn't it all the more amazing how good things can even happen to the worst of people? People who "don't deserve it"? I am convinced that love really does go a long way. I can be one of those really paranoid folks or I can love as deeply as I am able to. Bad things exist because there are more people who simply don't care, who are ambivalent, than people who want change. (back to the top) checking out other girls I always thought i was the only girl who does this but I'm not =) They had an article on this in the july or august issue of Glamour I think. Usually when I'm out I look at other girls. I check out their hair, makeup, clothes, everything. Sometimes it is because I think she's pretty or dresses nice or other times it is because she looks funny. I think it's a comparison thing and I read that girls compare status too. Usually I don't really compare status cuz I'm still young but if the girl has a boyfriend, i usually look at him too. It's not like i'm ATTRACTED to the girls. I just naturally check them out. I'm sure other girls check me out once in a while too. Maybe all this checking out other girls is a sign of insecurity. I dont know. I sometimes think I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, etc. But other times I feel pretty good bout myself. I feel that i dont wanna be anyone else but me. (back to the top) Feelings I think one of the worst feelings to feel is confusion, because when you are confused, you don't really know what you are feeling. I think i'm going through one of the most confusing periods of my life right now. Everytime I think I'm on the verge of "understanding" i realize i don't understand at all. Another feeling I hate is loneliness. I don't mean not having any friends at all. Because you can have tons of friends and still be lonely. I mean not having anyone that understands you. It's like you have a problem(could be small or a major one) and you don't have someone to confide in, no shoulder to lean on or cry on. There are so many things I regret. The major ones are when I hurt someone because that is one of the most horrible feelings of all. To have hurt someone. Words can come out so easily and you can't take them back once they are out of your mouth. Sometimes when i'm full of too much emotion and confusion, I just talk without thinking. And then I think i'm the biggest bum of all. (back to the top) Existence Sometimes I really do wonder if we are only pawns, and I wonder if there is such thing as fate and destiny and how much control we have over things. Are the choices we make, whether they be bad or good, predetermined? No one knows. I don't think we ever would know. But isn't life just so amazing? I'm not quite sure if there is a God out there but whatever created this whole universe awes me. (back to the top) Sometimes I am mostly a very happy person but sometimes I feel so far from happy. Sometimes i feel like whole world is against me. I am the enemy-the outsider-but i cannot fight. They twist my heart waiting for all my life to drip out of me. Sometimes I just want to deny them that pleasure. I just want to take my heart and run. But there's nowhere to run to and no matter where I go, I will still be alone and defenseless. I sometimes think that I wasn't meant to be here. It seems that often I'm just a nuissance, unwanted and abhorred by everyone. I'm invisible-yet life is all too vivid to be merely a dream--or nightmare. I do not want pity for even I can hardly give myself that. I just sometimes want to know and feel that I'm not alone, that I belong here, and that everything's going to be alright. That is my obsession. (back to the top) Wonder I would like to believe that I exist as a single and unattached entity. But we exist as a complicated web-joined and united by emotions, experiences, and the wonder it is to be human. (back to the top) Alive Disbelief, confusion, realization, longings, and pain. I am alive. (back to the top) i'm a hyprocrite and ok, i admit it. i'm quite hyprocritical so everything i said up there could be what i think one day but i may change my mind. (back to the top) and lastly, a beautiful poem by my friend, DEFINATELY =) thanks. ~~as I walk down the street, sadness fills my heart, for the world has turned grey to my eyes. The drizzle of rain seems like tears, because the earth has finally died. Gusts of wind dancing with leaves while the birds are flying away, lonely I am, but I have nothing to say.~~ (back to the top)
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