The Dating Dilemma - A Brief History of Dating

Dating is a relatively new concept. It has been so ingrained into our society that we think it is something that has existed forever. However, as this page will show, dating is an invention of the 20th century. I am indebted to the book Courtship by Rodney M. Cate and Sally A. Lloyd for much of the information contained on this page. This is not a book on Courtship as I define it, but is from a series of books called the Sage Series on Close Relationships. As such, it presents an unbiased view of the history of dating.

[Colonial Times-1830] [1830-1880] [1880-1920] [1920-1945] [1945-1960] [1960-Present] [Complete our survey] [Navigation]

Courtship from Colonial Times to 1830

In Colonial times, marriage was clearly encouraged. In fact, bachelor's were many times harassed, fined or run out of town. Singleness was seen as a sign of laziness. Reason was the basis for choosing a partner. The ability to support a wife and family was very important. It was seen as the single most important basis for the timing of marriage. Similar social standing and family approval were also important. Love was something that developed after the marriage, not before, as a natural outgrowth of the commitment to marriage.

Young people spent nearly a decade choosing a marriage partner. They would meet in church, the neighborhood and at home. They were not strangers, but grew up together in unchaperoned interaction. Young people got together in mixed-sex groups, young couples could spend time alone walking, riding, or in the parlor. However, sexual passion was to be contained. Premarital pregnancy was seen as a sign of weakness.
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Courtship from 1830-1880

During the 19th Century, the idea of the "separate spheres" of men and women began to take control. A woman's nature was virtuous and angelic; she was the moral superior to the man. This separation also limited the ability of adolescent boys and girls to get to know one another. At puberty, girls entered the "female world" and boys in the "male world." Permission to marry was sought many times after the engagement.

Courtship became more formalized, romantic love began to flourish and was viewed as the only acceptable basis for marriage. Romantic love in that time contained not only elements of passion, but also mutuality, communion, sympathy, and openness. This was important to women because it gave them an assurance of long-term commitment. Suitor's were tested to see how strong their love (commitment) was. This also strengthened the emotional bond between the partners. The link between marriage and making a home was strong. A man's readiness for marriage was seen by his ability to provide a home for his new wife.

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Courtship from 1880-1920

While the idea of separate spheres continued, the view of men in this era degenerated. Men were now seen as depraved and their immorality became a major social problem. Men had to learn to control their animal passions; this could only be accomplished through a woman's modesty. The separate spheres widened even more. The lives of young men and women rarely intersected. When they were together, the propriety of the times required that they keep their distance from each other. Chaperones became a fixture, especially for the upper classes.

Romantic love became even more romantic. Love was supposed to be effortless, a strong magnet pulling the couple together. Courtship had become increasingly formal. The young man and woman had to be formally introduced before speaking to each other. After the introduction, the girl's mother would ask the boy to call on her daughter, later the girl could do the asking. Most courting activities were done in the girl's home. There was a system of etiquette that showed whether the boy was welcome to continue the courtship. After engagement, the couple could spend more time alone, however, chastity was still valued. Calling upon a young lady had one goal -- marriage.

The less wealthy did not have the formal system. Their houses were not large enough to do the courtship at home, so working-class youth courted in public. Growing cities meant that more young people were on their own, working in the cities. Because the rules of the day said that girls could not have boys in their rooms, courting activities happened in public. Eventually, the wealthy saw the less formal system as something they wanted to do as well.

Going somewhere became the activity of courtship by the turn of the century. Before that, they mostly stayed in the home. The system of controls on courtship was being loosened. Ironically, this movement from the house to public afforded less privacy and time to get to know one another. It did not allow for openness. Sexual expression in courtship began to increase at this time. However, a virtuous woman still only had sex with the man she was about to marry.
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Courtship from 1920-1945

By 1920, the centerpiece of courtship in America was in place -- Dating. It was informal, unchaperoned, male- female interaction with no specific commitment. The rules were not established by the community, but the peer- group. The rise of the dating culture was seen as an outgrowth of both the creation of an adolescence stage of the human life cycle (which had not created as a distinct stage to this point) and the emergence of the city culture. Some have also seen this rise as coming from the emancipation of women ownership of cars, and emergence of motion pictures, all of which decreased the community control on the young couple.

Regardless, the cause, dating was a fact of American culture. Dating also added something new to the courtship system, the need for money. Instead of spending time in the home, dating was "going out." Going out meant spending money. Although courtship was always tied to finances (whether the young man could support a wife and family), now this new requirement made access to money directly contingent on access to women. Dating also changed the balance of power in the courting relationship. When centered in the home, women had the power. Now that dating took the relationship outside the sphere of the home, the balance of power shifted to the man.

"Rating and dating" is a term that emerged in this time. A study was done at Penn State University that discovered that dating was more based on competition than on love. The men who could afford the nice things of life had a better shot than those who could not afford those things. It was also seen that this 'rating and dating' system moved beyond the university campus to the high school campus.

The most popular activities on dates during this time were dancing and movies. In the 1800's dances were primarily a group event. However, in the 1920's, this focus changed to a couple oriented event. Dancing allowed a young man and woman the excitement of physical closeness without the dangers of sex. Another major influence on dating was the automobile which allowed the couple a great deal of privacy and intimacy. As such, the practice of petting spread. It was noted that "petting parties" became common in the high schools of the 1920's.

Is has been noted that dating and courtship for marriage were split during this time. Dating became a vehicle for 'getting to know' someone before settling into an exclusive pairing. Dating and courtship had different objectives. Dating focused on success and increasing one's popularity, while courtship focused on finding a mate.

The roles of men and women from the 19th century continued. Men were presumed to want sex, women were expected to control this and say no. Sexual expression was liberalizing however, and relations between the sexes were characterized by greater frankness. The 1920s represented a period of sexual and social revolution unmatched till the 1960's. Premarital intercourse was on the rise. This was especially so with the additional pressure dating and money bore on the woman. The man spent money and expected something in return. Even so, most women who engaged in premarital sex did so only with the man they were going to marry. Virginity, while still desirable in a bride, was no longer a requirement.

The Depression and World War II somewhat disrupted the 'rating and dating' system. Courtship activities were literally placed on hold for college-age youth, but younger youth still continued these social patterns. The changes in the world at large had a profound impact on courtship after World War II.
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Courtship from 1945-1960

In the late 1940s and early 1950s, the age of first marriage dropped drastically and the number of marriages increased dramatically. By 1950, the age was at its lowest point in history, 22 for men and 20 for women. This had important effects on courtship and dating. Dating began earlier, in the junior high schools. Normally, these younger teens would meet in groups, then pair off with each other. More earnest dating would occur in high school, and 'going steady' became popular. Going steady brought new rituals to the scene, the exchange of tokens (class rings, pins), telephone calls and dates each week, and greater sexual intimacy. Most youth would go steady numerous times in high school, each entailing strong affection and love for the partner.

Popularity for girls was not in their attracting and having a 'steady.' Parental reaction to going steady was not positive, especially as parents feared additional sexual experimentation. The emphasis on early marriage was seen as a 'moral' way of dealing with the issue of youth sexuality. The "good girl" engaged in every form of petting except intercourse, at least that's all she admitted to doing. A woman was still likely to engage in intercourse only with the man she was to marry.

Love was still the primary basis for marriage. Marriage was seen as what produced happiness and fulfillment. Masculinity and femininity also changed following World War II. The formula for marital bliss was seen as the return to the passive female, moving away from the industrial worker of wartime. In courtship this meant that women had to demonstrate their frailties and reinforced a man's right to be dominate and made female submissiveness a requirement in a date. The vision of a perfect relationship was avoidance of conflict and lots of togetherness.

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Courtship from 1960-Present

All was not well in the 1950's. Discontent with the restricted role of wife and mother led many young women to question the role of marriage. Many postponed marriage to explore college and career. Marriage and childbirth were seen as "oppression and exploitation" of women. This feminist reexamination of marriage and gender had a pronounced effect on courtship and dating.

The resurgence of youth culture and the generation gap encouraged young people to define themselves as different from their parents. This attitude led to an increasingly liberal view of sexuality and sexual behavior. Youth as a life stage was extended in both directions. Significant increases were seen in the incident of sexual behavior. By 1980, 80% of male and 65% of female college freshman indicated sexual experience. The age of this experience also changed. In the 1950s it was more likely to happen during engagement. In the 1970s, while going steady. In the 1990s commitment is not seen as a requirement for sex.

Some of the dating patterns of the 1950s continued in the 1970s and 1980s, but with different twists. Dating and going out were still central, but the frequency decreased and the ages increased. Even though the age of initial dating increased from 13 to 14 for girls, the age of their first steady decreased from 17 to 16. It has been noted that dating changed in three major ways: greater opportunity for informal opposite-sex interaction, dating became less formal, and there was no set progression of stages from first meeting to marriage. This means it became more acceptable for women to initiate a dating relationship and to be responsible for paying at least a portion of the cost. While not entirely equal, dating was moving away from a strictly patriarchal ideology.

Something else came into being: cohabitation. Recent studies show that 40%-50% of all young people will live together at some point before age 30. It is interesting to note that a seemingly contradictory trend is occurring, more older youth are staying home with their parents.

In the last decade there have been inklings of a return to a more conservative system of courtship. Messages have been sent in popular literature for women of 'finding and keeping a man' and that women could have education or marriage, but not both. AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases have caused a renewed interest in monogamous sexual relationships. The 1980s saw a resurgence in formal dances and proms and traditional style weddings. And sites such as this proclaim the message that dating holds a lot of empty promises. That we need to return to a more conservative approach to finding a mate.

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Courtship Survey

There is the history of dating. There is much more I could have added. Note also the progression downward toward more sexual involvement. I know that God has a better way for us to find a mate, rather than the Russian Roulette method of dating. Please pray about what God would have you do in respect to finding the one person that He has prepared for you.

I also ask that you complete the survey below. Let me know what you think of the history above and about dating and courtship. If you have additional information you would like to see added, include that in the comments. I am always looking for ways to improve the site. Thanks.