JOKES

WARNING WARNING THIS IS A WARNING:

Some of these jokes aren't for the eyes of young people. Even though there is no bad language, I apologize if anyone is offended by some of the following humor. Please don't think less of me. But, hey, just laugh!

Mr. J. did not write any of the following jokes. He simply typed it.

11. This babe was walking down the street. She was in her late 50s, well dressed, but showing a bit of wear.

Suddenly, a halo appeared around the sun; and she heard an ethereal voice whisper in her ear, "Thou shallt live another 50 years." "Well", she muttered, "If I'm going to be around another 50 years, I might as well have a face lift, a tummy tuck and enjoy myself.

Six months later after the last surgical procedure, she looked like a million dollars. Whistling a happy tune she left the hospital, stepped off the curb and was run over by a garbage truck.

When she opened her eyes, there stood the Lord. "God", she cried, "How come you let that truck hit me after promising me another 50 years of life?" The Lord answered, "Sorry lady, I didn't recognize you."

12. There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just loud mouthed women and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

"No kidding! What team did she play for?"

13. A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.

"Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your private area with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies,"I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

14. It seems that a man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.

"Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal and asked for the check. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your "thing" back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

15. A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor.

Before they enter the operating room the orderly leaves her in the corridor to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches the girl on the bed, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.

When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and said, "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

16. Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep," one guy says.

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is," said the other.

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise. "Jeez. That is REALLY deep... here, throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a big fencepost. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy fencepost over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its' legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing we ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a fencepost."

17. Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

18. A man comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient."

"Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

19. A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

20. A salesman calls up a house and a little girl answers the phone and in a very soft, very quiet voice.

Girl: Hello?

Salesman: Is you mom home?

G: Yes

S: Well, may I speak with her?

G: No, she's busy.

S: Well, is your dad home?

G: Yes