JOKES

WARNING WARNING THIS IS A WARNING:

Some of these jokes aren't for the eyes of young people. Even though there is no bad language, I apologize if anyone is offended by some of the following humor. Please don't think less of me. But, hey, just laugh!

Mr. J. did not write any of the following jokes. He simply typed it.

41. It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

42. This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."

The guy bought the bird and took it home.

Next day, the guy was back in the pet store to complain. The bird hadn't said a word.

The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.

Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.

And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell.

Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.

Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner.

"Yep. Right before he died he said, 'What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"

43. The lifeguard at the public swimming pool approached Little Johnny. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to have to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

44. A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?” She replied, "They're up in bed.” So the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, “Where's Mom and Dad?" And she replied, “They're still up in bed." And the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, “Where's Mom and Dad?" And his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed." And the little boy started to laugh.

His grandmother finally asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"

And the little boy replied, "Well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead.”

45. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of The Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "Holy Crap! A talking pig!"

46. A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom," she screamed. "I did," he replied, "And she told me that if I could just stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." 47. A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnnie what is your problem?" Johnnie answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnnie to the principal's office. While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Johnnie was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnnie:"9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnnie: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go to the third grade, just as he thought."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions, and I'm sure you will see the reasons I am hesitant about Johnnie's advancement!" The principal and Johnnie both agreed.

The teacher asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnnie, after a moment, replied, "Legs."

Teacher: "Ok, you got that right, but I know I'll get you. What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnnie replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnnie: "Pants."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Johnnie: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnnie in the FIFTH grade. I missed the last four questions myself!"

Elephant Jokes!

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