Some of these jokes aren't for the eyes of young people. Even though there is no bad language, I apologize if anyone is offended by some of the following humor. Please don't think less of me. But, hey, just laugh!
Mr. J. did not write any of the following jokes. He simply typed it.
31. Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." He pointed to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking down the street last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer. "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
"That's the talking clock", the man replied, with a grin. "Let me show you how it works!" And with that, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERKS! IT'S 2 AM!"
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing.”
"Where's Henry?" his friends asked him.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the guy replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."
Larry replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Larry's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Larry, how are you doing?"
Larry says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Larry's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed kissing his pillow. Shocked, she asks,"Bob, what are you doing?!"
Bob says, "I'm kissing Larry's wife while he's in Chicago!"
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10.." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks.
"10...9...8...7..."
She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.
He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.
The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?"
When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?"
He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the restroom so it was decided that the girls would go with the 5th grade teacher. And the 4th grade teacher took the boys and waited outside the men's bathroom.
One of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting all the little boys up by their armpits as they did their business.
Though not purposely, while lifting one little boy, she couldn't help but notice that he was particularly well endowed.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he said, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift."
Lucy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Lucy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Lucy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Lucy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said, "I'm the goalie!"
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