DATING AS A SINGLE PARENT

While some say they will never date again, the simple fact is that it is a healthier life when we have someone to share it with. Friends are great, but can't be there for your every need- they have their lives, too. Though it's great to have someone to help you through even the early stages of divorce, I strongly suggest you wait until you're at least through the majority of the divorce proceedings before you begin your consideration for your next partner. Divorce proceedings can yield a roller-coaster of emotions. It's one thing to be greatful for a friends support, but don't let their support cloud your judgement. Maybe your just being clingy right now? Above all, consider your children and how they might think about you, their parent, going out to replace their other parent on such a whim. Every situation is unique. Ask your friends who know your situation what they think, just to be sure. Don't let another lonely night make your decision for you.

There seem to be a few common problems involved when it becomes time to consider dating again:

INVOLVING YOUR CHILDREN IN YOUR DATING

Find a reliable sitter; You're only fooling yourself if you think your kids had an easy time with the divorce. True, all situations are unique, but you must consider the fact that your kids are feeling a little insecure and the last thing they need to deal with is new people coming in and out of their lives. Unless you know for certain that this person is going to be around for a while, do your entertaining on your own time! Sometimes kids will develop greater bonds to your newest date than you will.

JUMPING INTO SERIOUS DATING
True, it is easier to share life with a partner than to go it alone. However, if you want the next relationship to last it is best to be over the last. Know in your mind what went wrong and make that your consideration in choosing your next one. Rely on being around friends and family until you know you are ready.

Getting back into the dating scene is a not the easiest thing to do. Don't allow outside pressures force you in before you are ready. Don't attach yourself to the first person who offers themself to you just because you are lonely! Think carefully before you involve your children, it may do them more harm than good!

Any dating ideas or stories to tell? I'm all ears!. Your thoughts and experiences are welcome.

What are the qualities that a single parent should look for in someone they are deciding to date?

· Playful, light and fun with kids. Watch how your child interacts with him/her.

· Understands that your children may not want to participate in interests he/she has, doesn't force your kids to try, and is open to learning about your child's activities and interests.

· Matching religious values. Whether you have high or standards or low, religious attitudes can be a serious factor down the road.

· Matching visitation schedules. If you've ever been through a divorce (or know someone who has), you've only had a small taste of what is before you. If the mate you're considering has a kid(s) and their schedule doesn't match yours, the holidays, etc, won't be family like. Custody battles are welcomed by attorney's, but very costly for the single parent to attempt to have adjusted.

· Doesn't try to discipline kids. Setting rules, boundaries and giving consequences needs to be done by the biological parent.

· Understands that your children get your attention before he/ she does. That school, house rules, and just plain old day to day conversations with the kids take priority over your relationship with him/her.

· Understands that the kids need time to get to know them before they feel comfortable. That this won't happen over night.

· Understands and accepts limits on showing affection in front of the kids.This may progress as the relationship builds, but proceed with caution until you're sure the relationship is for sure and longevity is inevitable.

· Able to communicate with your kids on their level using words and phrases they can understand. Never uses degrading or belittling language. Never calls anyone derogatory names.

· Doesn't want to exclusively do activities with children or only activities in which kids are excluded. A healthy relationship has a mix of adult-only and child-included activities.

· Doesn't scold, lecture or "should" you about how you interact with the children's other parent.

· Shows patience with your children. Understands that children have motivations such as need for recognition, jealousy, and other interfering behaviors.

· Treats you as a responsible adult and understands your devotion and commitment to your children.

· Understands all children are unique. Doesn't compare your kids with his/her kids (or kids seen on TV!).

· Able to adjust well to unplanned events that always seem to arise in a household with children.

· Is there for you when you need them. Understands how you feel and doesn't try to rationalize away your sadness or worries when your kids are away.

· Understands that kids do grow up and that life-partners are together long after the kids have left home.

· Does not talk down to you in front of your children. It is good for kids to see their parent treated well by another adult.

· Able to recognize and talk openly about your needs, goals, etc. having to do with your relationship and your children.

· Willing to be part of family established rituals such as birthdays, holidays, etc. with enthusiasm

· Does not require the use of alcohol (or drugs) to be able to have a good time or, more importantly, as a crutch to be able to deal with uncomfortable feelings.

· Able to recognize when they make a mistake and openly apologize and ask for forgiveness as necessary.

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