starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 4 April 1987)
NOTE: The first show produced by Edward Taylor.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!
THEME MUSIC
NP: Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to introduce the four regular players of Just A Minute. And once more I'm going to ask them to bring that style, authority, ingenuity and dexterity to the show as I ask them to speak on the subject that I give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And our regulars are of course Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. Would you please welcome all four of them! I will make the decisions as I try and interpret the rules that have been thought of by the creator of the game, Ian Messiter who beside me with a stopwatch so that he can blow his whistle when the 60 seconds is up. And he also keeps the score for me. Let us begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject is customs. Will you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now.
DEREK NIMMO: Customs, yes I do hate wandering through the Customs when I return from a foreign journey and they say "hello Mister Nimmo, what are you smuggling today?" It always slightly worries me because there is the off-chance that perhaps I might have bought something I've forgotten about and therefore haven't declared. They have a frightfully difficult job these days because in olden times, they used to just extract import duty and of course their export er...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: I thought you were er stumbling.
NP: Yes which we would interpret as hesitation Kenneth so you have a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of customs. But before you do so, would you press your buzzer again because we didn't get a noise.
BUZZ
NP: Ah it's working, you must have given us a soft press before. Right there are 33 seconds for you Kenneth to talk on customs starting now.
KW: When through the Customs came Oscar Wilde and they said "have you anything to declare?" he said "only my genius!" But customs differ in various...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: He didn't, he said "nothing but my genius".
KW: Oh brilliant! That's very good! Very good!
NP: So Derek, showing off his knowledge there, has managed to get the subject of customs back because that was a correct challenge of deviation and there are 23 seconds left Derek starting now.
DN: One of the customs I particularly enjoy is kissing little girls or sometimes old ones or even...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation!
DN: Clement I said little girls or...
CF: We have a law against that sort of thing!
NP: And we have one or two in the studio audience here, so we have to got to hold Derek back at the end of the show, obviously. As he wasn't deviating from the rules of the game, but we did enjoy your challenge Clement, we will give you a bonus point for that challenge. But Derek gets a point for being interrupted, keeps the subject customs, 18 seconds starting now.
DN: Searching for narcotics, heroin and the like, in the souls of old boots perhaps, or even in the little white globules of mistletoe which are very good for kissing little girls under as well...
WHISTLE
NP: Well whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains that extra point. It was of course Derek Nimmo. And Peter Jones will you take the next round and speak for the first time in the show. The subject is moving. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.
PETER JONES: Well I read only the other day that moving house is one of the most traumatic experiences that once can have in a lifetime, like marriage and a bereavement. Now when we moved house, I remember, some years ago...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DN: Repetition of house.
NP: Yes you repeated house Peter, I'm afraid.
PJ: Oh yes I did yes.
NP: Yes yes.
PJ: Well it would have been lying to say it was a bungalow!
NP: So Derek got in first and there are 47 seconds for him to tell us something about the subject of moving starting now.
DN: The moving finger writes and having writ, moves on. For all thy piety nor wit shall lure it back. I can't remember any more...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Hesitation.
NP: Yes indeed Peter, 35 seconds for you to take over moving again starting now.
PJ: These three men arrived, I think...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Deviation.
NP: Why?
CF: He didn't begin with well! He always begins with well!
NP: It's a devious thought for which he gets another bonus point. But Peter gets another point, another point for being interrupted but keeps the subject of moving, 33 seconds starting now.
PJ: I think they'd recently been demolition workers because they left a lot of the furniture all over the floor. Nevertheless I put three pounds, this is some time ago, ready to buy them a drink at the end of the day. But it disappeared during the course of the afternoon. They'd actually anticipated this gift and were rather rattled that I didn't present them with something else at the time that they left. I was rather disappointed in this firm, I made a point of never actually employing them again, though we've never...
WHISTLE
NP: And for those who write into the chairman sometimes and say he repeated something, I did notice he said three pounds and three men. But nobody else challenged and that is the process of how the game proceeds. Peter you kept going till the whistle went, got that extra point, you're behind Derek Nimmo, ahead of Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams. And Clement begins the next round. Clement, classics, can you tell us something on that subject starting now.
CF: In equestrian circles, classics are the five annual races for three-year-old horses. The thousand and two guineas run at Newmarket in Suffolk, the Oaks and the Derby at Epsom, and the St Ledger which is run in September...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Too many runs.
NP: Yes run, I'm sorry Clement, you've lost the subject to Derek Nimmo, with 44 seconds left Derek, classics starting now.
DN: The Derby was raced for the very first time in 1780 on Epsom Downs. The year before on 89, as it were, was the day they first had the Oaks...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Hesitation.
NP: I would agree, I would call that hesitation. So you have the classics back Clement, 33 seconds starting now.
CF: The first ones are held over one mile and the next...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Repetition of one, one thousand guineas.
NP: The first ones, he said. It was a strange word. But he was trying not to say one thousand guineas.
DN: Oh I see, right.
NP: There are 28 seconds, Clement still has the subject, classics starting now.
CF: For quadrupeds to be tested over 8, 12 and 14 furlongs is really quite an achievement. And classically an exceedingly proper test of stamina. And to go back to classics, you can also call latin and Greek verse, written by the great poets and playwrights of those ages as classics of the theatre. I...
WHISTLE
NP: So Clement with the subject of classics kept going for some considerable time, including speaking as the whistle went and he is equal with Derek Nimmo in the lead. Peter Jones follows and then Kenneth Williams, who now takes the next round which is spiders. Will you tell us something about those eight-footed creatures, insects I should say, in Just A Minute starting now.
KW: Yes there's a lot of falsity put around about spiders. They're extremely clean, the cleanest that you could find in that world. And that stuff about
Miss Muffet, you know, who sat on the tuffet,
When her clothes were tattered and torn
It wasn't the spider that sat down beside her
But Little Boy Blue with the horn!
Well I want to make sure that that is historically accurate. On the other hand I knew a man who told me he was an authority on the spiders and he said that the tarantula was nothing to do with poison at all, and would not harm you. Had one on the back of his hand. Some quite interesting specimens were in his house and his stories about spiders all...
WHISTLE
NP: So Kenneth Williams took the subject of spiders and kept going for the full 60 seconds, the first time that has happened in this game. And you are now in third place, just behind Peter Jones, no, just ahead of Peter Jones, behind Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject, circular. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
DN: Well circulars in the plural are things I seem to have coming through my letterbox nearly every day of the week from the SDP, the Conservative Party, the Socialists, the Liberals and so on. And all kinds of ones that have a Dutch stamp on them. They're the ones to be dreaded because they're the ones from the Automobile Association...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Three ones.
NP: They're the ones, yes. Clement you have the subject of circulars and 41 seconds starting now.
CF: When I pass a house and see written upon the gate, no hawkers, circulars or canvassers, I always feel rather hurt because politically one does canvas quite a lot. And to be excluded from the residences of people to whom one would like to talk is a slight, and one which does nothing for the democratic process. Circulars also come through the letterbox, and ask you, usually on behalf of Readers Digest to fill in a simple form with 48 questions and you will have a prize which is guaranteed either to be a small toaster or 40 thousand pounds. And they seem to be the only people who can...
WHISTLE
NP: Clement Freud you kept going with great style until the whistle went. You gained an extra point and you're now in a definite lead ahead of Derek Nimmo, followed by Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams. Peter your turn to begin, the subject, making up. Will you tell us something about that.
PJ: It's one of the pleasures of quarrelling that you can at the end of it all make up. And I think it's sometimes worth all the fatigue of the argument, sometimes even coming to blows, when you can kind of get together and apologise and then try and make the best of the rest of the night. Well I don't know whether this, I should have said well at the beginning, because I know I've disappointed Clement...
BUZZ
NP: Oh Kenneth you got in first.
KW: Well he said er.
NP: Yes and...
PJ: Er yes.
NP: ... er and well and deviated from there. Right, 36 seconds for you Kenneth to talk about making up starting now.
KW: When I used to sit in the theatre, the first thing I did when making up was to put on five and nine. Because everyone told me when I started that was your natural base, you see. And I was doing it for ages before someone enlightened me and said it was a lot of old rubbish and you could simply buy a ready made shade which suited me perfect...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Splutter!
NP: Well you probably know more about that because you're sitting, sitting next to him.
KW: I wasn't spluttering at all. I said suited me perfect, and I was about to say perfectly before he pressed his buzzer.
NP: No he didn't hesitate. He might have spluttered over you Clement because you're sitting close to him, but no I...
KW: The man's an idiot! He's an idiot! He's an idiot!
NP: So you keep...
KW: Some sort of malformation there.
NP: You keep the subject...
KW: Yes.
NP: You didn't hesitate Kenneth.
KW: Thank you.
NP: I'm not an idiot now, am I?
KW: No, not you, him!
NP: I know!
KW: No, not you! Lovely chairman, always have had a very good chairman! Knows his stuff! Very good!
NP: You never know who he is going to turn on next, that's the trouble. Kenneth you still have the subject having got another point and 13 seconds for making up starting now.
KW: Making up has often meant lying. And they say "oh you made all that up!" Well I don't mind admitting a certain amount of embellishment, so to speak, when the narrative is being...
WHISTLE
NP: So Kenneth really has moved forward in that round. He's now only one behind our leader Clement Freud, who begins the next round. Clement the subject is brokerage. Will you tell us something on that subject in Just A Minute starting now.
CF: Brokerage is a fee or commission claimed on a business deal. And if you were to ask the man in the street or on the omnibus to Clapham what he thought of brokerage, the word association would be go to jail, do not collect 200 pounds. Because frankly brokerage and the square mile of London, Threadneedle Streets and the banks and city institutions around have an appalling reputation. Mainly responsible to for, I wish somebody would...
BUZZ
KW: I wouldn't have thought that was a subject on which he would come to a halt.
DN: Yes.
KW: I would have thought you'd be loquacious on that subject.
NP: Derek Nimmo you came in first then.
DN: It was an act of compassion!
NP: An act of compassion! He hesitated.
DN: I don't, don't know very much about the subject! I'm rather sorry I pressed it.
NP: Yeah well get that adrenaline going that you have demonstrated in other shows and I have no doubt that you will manage something on brokerage with 28 seconds left starting now.
DN: Well brokerage, a broker is a middle man, the word derived from the French. Because it was a kind of barrel of wine which they used to split, one would take so much, and someone would take the second, the middle man would take...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Two middle men.
NP: There were two middle men, yes right.
DN: Well there often are!
NP: Fifteen seconds for you Clement, back with brokerage starting now.
CF: What has been most commonly in the news is brokers who have behaved most disgracefully by going first to one side and then the other, claiming commission from both, and salting it away in Swiss bank accounts, Liechtenstein companies...
WHISTLE
NP: So Clement Freud on the subject of brokerage went ahead again and kept going till the whistle went. He's now increased his lead over Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo, equal in second place. And Derek it's your turn to begin, Derek the term is bunk. You talk a lot of bunkum but will you talk on the subject of bunk, with 60 seconds starting now.
DN: Well bunk indeed as you rightly say is an abbreviation of bunkum which was given to the kind of speech given by a Senator in America who used to talk, I'm sounding like Kenneth Williams at the moment, used to talk, I've said talk twice...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Used to talk, he said twice.
NP: Used to talk, he did Peter. You got in there with 45 seconds left, will you tell us something about bunk in this game starting now.
PJ: Well, a bunk is quite a comfortable sort of bed if you have a good mattress. It usually involves climbing up above the person beneath you or alternatively crawling in beside or er...
BUZZ
NP: You... it shows you that a part of their life does come out, doesn't it, in Just A Minute! Right there are 31 seconds for Derek who challenged first to take over bunk starting now.
DN: I think the most comfortable bunk I ever slept in was on the ketch Juliana which I sailed from the port of Hong Kong all the way down to the South China sea to...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, we're on about voyages, not bunks!
NP: Well you've given me a difficult decision. How long had he been going not to call it deviation? I think as Derek is in a commanding lead, I know he can be generous and let me give the benefit of the doubt...
DN: I can't be generous!
NP: So if you're not going to be generous, then...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud, yes?
CF: He can't be in a commanding lead! I was!
NP: You were but you lost it to Derek Nimmo. Kenneth Williams on bunk, 19 seconds left Kenneth starting now.
KW: I did a bunk once when I was supposed to be at a military function, with a rifle and a pack and go on a rope swing across a river. I just sank in total exhaustion and the sergeant said "are you doing the dying swan..."
WHISTLE
NP: So Kenneth Williams kept his bunk going until the end of the round when the whistle went. He's got an extra point, he's one behind Clement Freud, they're both a few ahead of Peter Jones, but out in the lead is Derek Nimmo. Peter Jones it's your turn to begin, the subject is blazers. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
PJ: Well I notice that we're wearing blazers, you and I, Mister Chairman. I suppose it's because we can't afford a suit and we want to be slightly more formal than ah if we were wearing dinner jackets...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
PJ: Oh I mean ah sports jackets.
DN: Hesitation.
PJ: What?
NP: There was an er.
PJ: There was, I know yes.
KW: But if you pick up people on little things like that, it's ridiculous! They'll never get under way.
NP: I know.
KW: After all he is an older member of our panel! And I think he should be given a bit of, you know, a bit of courtesy.
NP: Derek you have the subject in spite of what Kenneth said and you have blazers with 48 seconds starting now.
DN: If you wear a blazer in a particularly ghastly shade of red and yellow, you are a member of the M-C-ditto. Now I would not actually to wear one of that colour. As a matter of fact...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: We've had two wears.
NP: Yes we did indeed. So Kenneth you've got in with 38 seconds on the subject of blazers starting now.
KW: I wore a blazer when I went to school and we had to get a special outfit. And I wore it with great pride as a member of the school boating...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Repetition of school.
NP: So Peter you were listening well and got in with 13 seconds on the subject of blazers starting now.
PJ: Well there is a night-club...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Repetition of well!
KW: That's very mean, you know!
NP: You might be surprised to hear that he has not yet used well in this round. He hardly spoke on it before.
DN: He did, I took it down. Every time he says well, I write it down.
NP: So Peter you keep blazers but don't say well again, 11 seconds starting now.
PJ: It's a night-club in Windsor. It's also something that firemen say when something is really going and they can't get to it...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Two somethings.
NP: Yes.
PJ: Oh really?
KW: It's very mean, picking on little things like that.
PJ: Yes yes.
KW: It's very mean, You're just trying to get in because there is hardly any time left to fill in.
NP: That's right, two seconds.
KW: And he's trying to get a cheap victory and score it over an elderly member of the team!
PJ: I know, it's pretty crushing to know that he would rather win than listen to what I was going to say.
KW: Yes yes!
PJ: That's what I find hard to take!
NP: Clement Freud you got in with two seconds to go on blazers starting now.
CF: I think it's absolutely okay for elderly people to wear them...
WHISTLE
NP: Well Clement Freud kept going as the whistle went and gained the extra point. He's one point behind our leader Derek Nimmo. Clement the subject is, it's your turn to begin I should say. And it is mist. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
CF: Mist is a sort of haze which used to be called fog before we outlawed heavy industrial use in areas where you were likely to be blanketed and be unable to see anything at all. If you shoot on a rifle range, which I quite often do, people say missed almost as soon as you pull the trigger. Because they know what an appalling aim you and other people might have. Mist...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Hesitation I'm afraid.
NP: There was a hesitation Derek, so you have the subject of mist and there are 33 seconds starting now.
DN: Walking across Glenaffrick the mist came down very heavily indeed. And I was following in the tracks of a rather large stag and I didn't quite know what to do, because I couldn't see it, you see. So I switched on the pond lamp which was attached to one of the ponies. And there we saw the great beast in the mist with its antlers on top of its head and I...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Where else would they be?
NP: Would they be, yes. Where else indeed Clement. I enjoyed the challenge, give him a bonus point but it wasn't deviating from the subject. So Derek keeps it with seven seconds on mist starting now.
DN: And I fired my gun and missed. Isn't that a curious thing... to say...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones challenged.
PJ: Hesitation.
NP: I would agree Peter. So you have another point and the subject with one half second to go starting now.
PJ: Shocking story!
WHISTLE
NP: Well as I said a little while ago that was likely to be the last round and it was indeed because we have no more time to play Just A Minute. We do hope you've enjoyed the show as much as we've enjoyed playing it. And now let me give you the final placings. Peter Jones who has triumphed on many occasions came in fourth place. He was only one behind Kenneth Williams, who was a point or two behind Clement Freud. But out in the lead, was this week's winner, Derek Nimmo! And so it only remains for me to say thank you very much for tuning in, thank you audience very much for coming. So on behalf of Ian Messiter who devised the game, our producer Edward Taylor, and our four regular players of the game. Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams, and also . And also myself, Nicholas Parsons, thank you very much. We hope that you will be at the other end of your radios when once again we take to the air and we play Just A Minute! Till then from all of us here good-bye!
THEME MUSIC