starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 21 January 1974)
THEME MUSIC
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Peter Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard, we welcome back those four most experienced male competitors of the game. And we're going to ask them to speak, as usual, without hesitation, without deviation and without repetition. And we're going to start the show this week with Clement Freud. And Clement the subject is waiting. Can you talk on waiting for 60 seconds starting now.
CLEMENT FREUD: Milton, in a poem called On His Blindness said "they also serve those who only stand and wait". Which is actually unusual because recently I was in a waiting room on British Rail where I had bought a platform ticket which had gone up in price, justified by the fact that you now wait longer for trains. And demanding a cup of tea, the lady said "sit down, toast will be half an hour". I felt this to be entirely unreasonable and said "madam, I am in a hurry". She said "I am unmarried, call me Miss". I said "certainly mademoiselle" because she had a slightly French accent which I omitted to tell you. And waiting in a library for the books to be returned from several housewives at Market Harborough who have clubbed together and put their names on a list which had promised to supply any reading material whatsoever...
WHISTLE
NP: Well we've been waiting a long time for someone to manage to speak for just one minute without being interrupted. Clement Freud kept going magnificently on waiting, so he not only gets a point, but a bonus point for not being interrupted. He has two at the end of the round and everybody else has not only yet to score, they have yet to speak. Kenneth Williams your turn and the subject show stoppers. I’m sure you have known many of those in your time but will you talk on it for just one minute starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: The most embarrassed one was when this actor arrived in a hat box which was placed on stage and the other character said "where is he?" And the hat box opened...
BUZZ
KW: ... and underneath some grave trap, he steadily came up through the hat box which had a false bottom...
NP: And Clement Freud challenged before he came up with the hat box. Clement?
CF: The first time.
NP: What was that?
CF: I challenged when the hat box had only appeared twice!
NP: Oh that's right, he did mention the hat box before, didn't he. What a pity, yes. Because I was very...
PETER JONES: I wanted to find out what happened!
NP: I know!
PJ: That's why, I would have challenged but I was too fascinated by the story and the way he was telling it.
NP: Well I was so fascinated...
PJ: We should let him get on with it and then he can challenge afterwards.
NP: I didn't even realise he had repeated it. Anyway Clement it was a correct challenge, you get a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject of show stoppers, and there are 50 seconds left starting now.
CF: And in this totally disastrous two character play, the audience were astonishingly bored after the first act, and few came back... during the second intermission...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.
NP: Yes I would agree with that.
CF: Mine was rather a good story as well.
NP: Then you should try and tell it without hesitating?
CF: Can, can I tell it?
NP: No, no we'll carry on with the show because Derek Nimmo wishes to speak...
CF: Thank you very much, and...
NP: And there are er 40 seconds left on show stoppers Derek starting now.
DN: Well I very much do like to show stoppers, particularly to old ladies in the Underground. I often go up to them and say "would you like to see my ginger beer top?" And I open my raincoat and there i show stoppers. Sometimes from oh...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Hesitation.
NP: I should think so indeed, yes. Ginger beer indeed, really! Peter Jones... ginger beer is Cockney rhyming slang for something else, I've just remembered. All right Peter I agree with your challenge and you have 26 seconds now for show stoppers starting now.
PJ: I identify show stoppers with songs in shows that have been stopped. By people like Ethel Merman for instance in Panama Hattie, and um...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: I'm afraid hesitation.
NP: Yes your fear was justified, yes, he definitely hesitated, couldn't think of any more show stoppers. Kenneth you have the subject and a point for a correct challenge and 14 seconds on show stoppers starting now.
KW: Well of course Peter Jones is quite right. And I bow to his superior knowledge and wisdom in this matter...
BUZZ
NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: He's just saying that!
NP: What is your challenge?
PJ: He doesn't really mean it. I mean it's just a sort of gratuitous thing that he's saying just to keep talking!
NP: Well it may be but he still didn't deviate from the subject of show stoppers and you're...
PJ: He was talking about me!
NP: Well you might be a show stopper.
DN: Well you just stopped his show by pressing your buzzer, didn't you!
NP: Yes! All right and you gratuitously with your challenge gave him a point, and he keeps the subject and there are eight seconds left starting now.
KW: It's all a misnomer because obviously the show stopper, resulting as it does in tremendous applause, does not stop the show at all. In fact it makes it go off...
WHISTLE
NP: Kenneth Williams kept going, spoke as the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so and has taken the lead at the end of that, oh he's alongside Clement Freud at the end of that round. Peter Jones will you begin the next round, the subject is judgement. Will you talk on that, one minute starting now.
PJ: Judgement, yes well, judgement is something that every chairman should have. And what a pity it is, no I didn't mean that because...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DN: It is a pity, I quite (laughs)... Deviation.
NP: Why?
DN: Well you've got no judgement, have you? So he can't say what a pity he hasn't got any judgement, you haven't got any judgement.
NP: If you, if you'd been clever, Derek, and said that I'd got judgement, I would have given you the point.
DN: Ah.
NP: But as you didn't say that, I've given it to Peter Jones, and this is one of the occasions that I can exercise the unique position that I'm in. Fifty-two seconds Peter on judgement starting now.
PJ: There aren't more like... Parsons...
BUZZ
NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Ah Parsons, hesitation.
NP: Yes I'm afraid so, my name, pity you couldn't remember it! Fifty seconds now with you Derek on judgement starting now.
DN: Through this very long arduous series, I have noticed with incredible horror the lack of judgement of the said Parsons. That great genial oaf who sits up there in disgusting pink shirts, sweating from every pore, looking like an over-sexed gorilla! Ladies and gentlemen, if the BBC had any judgement whatsoever...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition.
NP: Of what?
CF: B.
DN: What?
NP: Of what?
CF: B.
NP: B?
CF: He said BBC!
NP: Oh you rotten thing, you! Ah...
CF: I thought I was saving you from ah...
NP: No no, because what was going to happen, is at the end of the round I was going to cancel all Derek Nimmo's points.
CF: He hasn't got any!
PJ: He said you were like an over-sexed gorilla! I mean that is rather flattering in a way!
NP: I can't think there's anything very attractive about an over-sexed gorilla! He did...
DN: I didn't say you were attractive!
PJ: It's quite attractive to an under-sexed gorilla!
NP: Um, BBC, we've never challenged on that before. So what we'll do is we won't give any points, no, give Clement a point for listening well but leave the subject with Derek Nimmo who has still got judgement starting...
PJ: Does someone get a point for listening well?
NP: Yes.
PJ: I nearly missed that! God, all these weeks I've been listening with my ears hanging out or whatever they do. No, out on stalks I mean...
NP: Well I would put them away again...
PJ: I've never got a point for listening!
NP: Well listen well and challenge when you've heard something to your advantage. Derek Nimmo you have 25 seconds on judgement starting now.
DN: Well as I know that the judgement of the chairman is going to be when I finish...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Repetition of chairman.
NP: Yes indeed right yes.
DN: Well he's a very repetitious chairman! He's been saying the same thing for weeks.
NP: Yes and Clement Freud, a point to you for a correct challenge and there are 22 seconds on judgement starting now.
CF: One of the hardest judgements that I ever had to make was in a competition to find the ending to what is the difference between a mouse. And I finally awarded it to none, because he is both the same animal. This received a one-way ticket to Tibet, from which the winner emerged only last Tuesday with typhoid, malaria...
WHISTLE
NP: Either what a judgement or what a deviation, I don't know which. No-one challenged him, he kept going, a point for speaking when the whistle went. And he's now, Clement Freud, in a commanding lead at the end of that round. Clement your turn to begin, the subject is adulation, and would you speak on that for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: Adulation is something the chairman of this programme is incredibly used to. Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones send him fan letters by each post whereas Kenneth Williams telegrams, bouquets of flowers and bottles of vintage champagne flow from Great Portland Street where his mansion stands, to the humble dwelling occupied by l'homme...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Deviation, I've never sent him nothing! What are you talking about? It's a load of rubbish!
NP: I can absolutely vouch for that Kenneth.
KW: Yes!
NP: Not a thing!
KW: I gave you a cup of tea in my house once!
NP: Oh that's right yes, I'd forgotten. But you've never sent anything to me.
KW: No! Never! Good gracious me! It'd eat me out of house and home wouldn't it! It's ludicrous!
NP: No that was definite deviation. Adulation is now with you Kenneth and there are 20, 36 seconds left starting now.
KW: This is a homage all pay to greatness. Yes indeed, I am the first person to say here is a man of quality...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DN: I distinctly remember saying it yesterday, so he can't be the first person to say it.
NP: You did, did you?
DN: Yes.
NP: Yes but he said it for the first time in this round.
DN: Oh I see.
NP: So he has a point and keeps the subject of adulation with 25 seconds left starting now.
KW: Somebody once said to Burke, "you are a brilliant orator, and I pay you the adulation which is your due". He said "no, I'm just a hill in a very flat country." Which when you think about the state of oratory in England is pretty reasonable. In fact I am so impressed by what purports to be greatness on public platforms. Mind you, there's very little of it...
WHISTLE
NP: The audience gave Kenneth adulation there for keeping going magnificently on the subject, finishing as the whistle went, and moving into second place behind Clement Freud. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject Catherine De Midimechi. Would you talk about her, one of those subjects that Ian specially gives to you, because he knows your historical interest and knowledge. Sixty seconds starting now.
KW: Well she came from Florence, they think, and was the daughter of the Duke of Aubigno. And married the King of France. Well of course we know that one of her kids got married to Mary Queen of Scots. But he seems to have died very young, and she and Mary didn't get on...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of Mary.
NP: Yes I'm afraid you said Mary before. So Clement a correct challenge and you take over the subject with 37 seconds on Catherine De Midimechi starting now.
CF: As everyone knows, Catherine De Midimechi was born in Wopping and went to school...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Absolute rubbish! Everyone doesn't know she was born in Wopping. Very few people know that!
NP: Yes everybody doesn't know that she was born in Wopping, Clement it was deviation. Twenty-six and a half seconds for you Peter on Catherine De Midimechi starting now.
PJ: I happen to know that she had the smallest waist in the world, and this is in the Guinness Book Of Records. When they're describing the types of people and their vital statistics, this one is Catherine De Midimechi. Of course the family was a well-known circus group who went, they were doing trapeze acts...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Hesitation.
NP: Yes there was a little hesitation, what a pity. I would have liked to have heard about the circus group. Um Derek there are nearly 11 seconds, nearly 11, 10 and a half on Catherine De Midimechi starting now.
DN: She married Henry the Second of France and produced three children. Charles the Ninth was the one which she contained the most influence over if you’ll forgive that rather untidy sentence. And it was during the time...
WHISTLE
NP: At the end of that round Derek Nimmo is equal with Peter Jones in third place, three points behind Kenneth Williams who is one point behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. And will you begin the next round Derek, a full life. Sixty seconds starting now.
DN: Oh I do think this is something we all ought to try and enjoy. Now too many people do not enjoy a full life, I'm afraid...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of enjoy.
NP: Yes you enjoyed it too much Derek. And Clement has a correct challenge, a point and a full life, 52 seconds left starting now.
CF: A full life ideally should be lived seven days a week, each month, year, second, hour...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Oh this is just a lot of repetition. I mean it's nothing to do with anything. It's deviation.
NP: He went very slowly in between as well, didn't he.
KW: Yes! That's right! That's what I was going to say!
NP: So you're challenging for hesitation?
KW: Exactly!
NP: Well done! And you have a point and you have 42 seconds left, a full life Kenneth starting now.
KW: It's a ludicrous term! You either live, or you don't live. So everyone's full in that sense. I mean of course it's full. You cram every minute in...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.
DN: Live before.
KW: You might have lots of experiences. You go down the street, you see somebody, you take in that face, you might register them...
NP: I'm afraid Derek challenged you a long time ago.
KW: What's he talking about?
DN: Well it's love or don't live.
NP: Yes there were two lives I'm afraid. He let it go for a time and then he suddenly decided to challenge...
DN: Well I thought it might be going to be interesting, and when it wasn't, I buzzed, you see.
NP: Yes all right, 34 seconds with you Derek on a full life starting now.
DN: Well, here we are, on a cold day in the heart of the great metropolis. We ought to try and live a full life. Get out now, put your fur coats around your necks, and go out into the breathing, breathing, searing...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged,
KW: Two outs, get out and go out.
NP: Yes and two breathings. Kenneth you have a point and you have 24 seconds on a full life starting now.
KW: A full life has nothing to do with all that rubbish he's on about. It is to do with developing your mental faculties. You can close your eyes and be in China. Ding dong...
BUZZ
KW: It's no repetition. No, don't try it on dear, ding is quite different from dong. How dare anyone make that message! Does anyone say I'm repeating?
NP: No, Peter Jones has just challenged, we haven't heard what his challenge is yet. What is it Peter?
PJ: You can't close your eyes and be in China. I mean that is just stretching it too far!
CF: He might have been in China before he closed his eyes!
PJ: In which case he's entitled to say you can close your eyes in China!
NP: Or close your eyes and imagine you're in China.
PJ: Ah yes exactly.
NP: I think he was wishing to convey that so I have a very difficult decision. I think on these difficult situation, I have to put it to the audience and let you be the final judges.
PJ: I don't...
NP: No no no, I'm going to put it to the audience because I know Kenneth was wishing to convey that...
PJ: I'll withdraw the challenge. I withdraw the challenge. I don't want these people...
NP: If you agree with Peter's challenge, and if you disagree you boo, and will you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: They're all in China with you! Right Kenneth, you're still in China, the audience say so, 10 seconds left starting now.
KW: So you open yourself up, cast aside the inhibitions, make yourself one with the great...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DN: Repetition of yourself and make.
NP: Yourself and make?
DN: Make yourself.
NP: Yes that's right, Derek you have a point and you have three seconds on a full life starting now.
DN: I enjoy a full life by going ice skating...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of enjoy.
NP: Yes you enjoyed it too much before, yes. Clement has a point and one second left on a full life starting now.
CF: Breakfast...
WHISTLE
NP: We're coming towards the end of this particular show and the next subject is very apt. It may not be the last round but the subject is last words. Peter Jones your turn to begin, would you go on that one for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Well the last words that Peter say before they move on are often very revealing. And the true character of the person is sometimes brought out. For instance er Oliver Cromwell said "my design is to make what haste I said to be gone". I thought that was really splendid. Everybody knows about Nelson saying "kiss me Hardy". And then there was that person who said "pray don't hack em as you did my Lord Monmouth". I think that was on the scaffold as he was going to be axed. I can't remember who it was. It may have been someone well-known, I think it is probably likely to be. I don't know whether you can recall it...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DN: Repetition of know, don't know the first time.
PJ: Know?
DN: I know, know.
NP: Yes you did say know a lot. It was rather a wicked challenge, all right Derek, a correct one though, and there are 16 and a half seconds on last words starting now.
DN: Oh cheerio, good-bye, whatho, honk-honk old fruit, it's very nice...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of honk.
NP: All right, 13 seconds with you Clement on last words starting now.
CF: I think one of my favourite last words was the man who said "I am beginning to feel better". He then died. But many politicians are especially talking on their death beds in order to describe...
WHISTLE
NP: Clement Freud has increased his lead, Derek Nimmo in second, oh no, Kenneth Williams still in second place. Derek just behind and Peter just behind that. And Clement Freud your turn to begin and the subject is hot air ballooning. Would you talk on that, quite a lot of it goes on in this programme, I think. But 60 seconds starting now.
CF: When I go hot air ballooning, the first thing I do is make up a last word which I shout to the people on the ground as I disappear into the middle distance. The trouble about hot air ballooning is that you have no control over your direction, at least height-wise...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Not true, you can either go up or down.
NP: That is perfectly correct, Derek you have a good challenge and a point and you have 43 seconds on hot air ballooning starting now.
DN: I've only been hot air ballooning once in my life and I found...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: I don't think that entitles him to give a talk on it!
NP: So what's your challenge?
PJ: Well deviation.
NP: No actually he didn't deviate from the subject on the card, because even if he's only been once and I give him the subject, he's got to try and talk on it. Even if he knows nothing about it.
PJ: Yes I see, yes.
NP: Yes so he keeps the subject and he has a point for a wrong challenge and there are 41 seconds left Derek, starting now.
DN: It was at the Marsarki Beach Hotel in Corfu. And in fact they put me into this basket and above my head was this huge great canvas thing which they had previously pumped up with something that looked like a very large bunsen burner. A totally lunatic fellow then climbed into the aforementioned carriage with me and off we began to ascend towards the Albanian coast, we were free-flying. Now when it was about a quarter to 12 at night, the Albanian... I’ve said the word before...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Ah, advertising Albania.
NP: Yes. You got in first on the repetition of Albanian. Hot air ballooning is back with you Clement and there are 18 seconds left starting now.
CF: And when you approach the sun, and are carrying wax wings, it is terribly important that hot air ballooning becomes totally...
BUZZ
NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged twice.
PJ: This is to do with flying, no only one, somebody else rung. It's not to do with hot air ballooning, that's just trying to fly with wings made of wax and stuff.
NP: Yes and we'll give you nine seconds on hot air ballooning starting now.
PJ: It's becoming quite a vogue. And the BBC did a marvellous series...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of B.
NP: Which I didn't allow last time so Peter Jones has a point. We're accepting BBC as the title of a company and Peter keeps going with hot air ballooning with five seconds left starting now.
PJ: All these multicoloured spheres wafting across the mountains and plains...
WHISTLE
NP: Well Peter Jones has moved forward. He's still in fourth place, he's one point behind Kenneth who is one point behind Derek and they're all a few points behind Clement Freud. Kenneth your turn to begin, waving good-bye. It's a thing one shouldn't often do on the radio because the listeners can't see it very well. But would you talk on the subject with 60 seconds starting now.
KW: I once did this with a piece of lead. I did not know, I must state categorically, that what I was waving contained the aforesaid metal. Therefore I threw my arms out, still holding the material. And the weight of it blew me, or brought me into the sea. Because I was standing or waving on a dock. Well can you imagine the panic that took place? Well they fished... oh I said well twice...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: I'm sorry, he said well twice.
NP: Yes.
KW: I did admit it. I was very open and frank about it. I had no hesitation about coming out with that.
NP: No because you hesitated before you said well.
KW: Mmmmm.
NP: Clement Freud, I agree with the challenge and there are 24 seconds on waving good-bye starting now.
CF: The last time I waved anybody outside was when I was employed by a corporation called the BBBB...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Well he's just said you mustn't say two Bs and now he's said all these Bs.
NP: No he said three Bs, he said BBB.
CF: You said it's the initials, it doesn't matter.
NP: I said BBC we accept almost as a word.
DN: I think you ought to ask him what it stands for.
NP: What? BB four times?
DN: You said you accept it in a company title.
NP: Kenneth you have a point or a correct challenge and you have 17 seconds on waving good-bye starting now.
KW: It should be done with joy in your heart and a song on your lips, gaiety should abound. Because if it's the last time you should leave them feeling happy. Isn't it the very, the very essence of...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.
DN: Repetition of very.
NP: Very yes. And so I agree on that very tight challenge with half a second to go on waving good-bye Derek starting now.
DN: These dear wonderful people, good-bye!
WHISTLE
NP: Well I'm sad to say we have no more time to play Just A Minute because we do enjoy it in spite of all the things we say. In spite of what Derek Nimmo says, we do enjoy it. Peter Jones, in spite of a great flurry at one point, unfortunately finished in fourth place, a little way behind Kenneth Williams. But he was only one point behind Derek Nimmo who was in second place, and he was only two points behind this week’s winner, Clement Freud. We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here, good-bye!
THEME MUSIC
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.