JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 16 September 1974)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Peter Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed. Hello and welcome to this first in this new series of Just A Minute. And we're delighted to have our four regular most experienced and most skilled players of the game here, to compete against each other and against the chairman, I have no doubt, as usual. They have to speak if they can for just 60 seconds on some subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. Kenneth the subject is the first of a new series, you have Just A Minute and you start now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well the first of a new series, I would very much like all those people listening to be able to see this team sitting so composedly, with an audience full of rapt attention, listening to these pearls of wisdom that are going to fall from our lips. As we belong to the EEC, it would be appropriate...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of E.

NP: Oh! Well that's a clever challenge and an accurate one. Clement you get a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject and there are 43 seconds left, the first of a new series starting now.

CF: One of the most pleasant things about being in on the first of a new series is that one can sit here quietly and appreciate the full beauty...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PETER JONES: If you sit there quietly, you can't play this game!

NP: That's a very good challenge, isn't it!

PJ: Seems reasonable!

NP: It gets you a point for a good challenge Peter...

PJ: Thank you very much.

NP: ...and you take over the subject and there are 32 seconds left, the first of a new series, starting now.

PJ: Yes it's nice to look at the rest of the artists who are participating because...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: If you sit there looking at the rest of the artists you can't par, you can't play this game.

NP: It is extremely easy to sit there looking at them and still play this game, because you don't have to sit quietly. Peter I disagree with the challenge, so you get a point for that and you have 27 seconds on the first of a new series starting now.

PJ: It's difficult for me to describe them except perhaps...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Your light came on.

DEREK NIMMO: I'd like to say welcome to a new series.

NP: And what is your challenge?

DN: It isn't a challenge, I just want to say hello! I thought it'd be nice and friendly! There's no challenge, you don't have to challenge all the time.

NP: Oh well...

DN: It's a new spirit that we have abroad.

NP: Oh I see.

DN: We can all be jolly and gay and friendly to each other. Welcome to a new series! Rather nice, isn't it.

NP: I don't think that I can give you a bonus point for this challenge...

DN: I don't want one! I don't want any. No charity, I just want to say hello!

NP: As your challenge was incorrect and you interrupted Peter Jones, he naturally gets a point for that and he continues with the subject and there are 25 seconds left starting now.

PJ: What can I say about these others?

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: All this what can I say and these beseechings and this repetition. I mean he's already said it's nice to be here! I made all those points. I think the subject should be returned to me! I am after all the person who's entitled to the subject in the first place!

NP: So what was your challenge Kenneth?

KW: Well deviation.

NP: Peter you have another point and you have 22 seconds left, the first of a new series, starting now.

PJ: Well they are available! That's about all I can say about my fellow passengers...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of say.

NP: Yes you did say say before.

PJ: Yes it's so long ago I thought he'd probably forgotten!

NP: Yes and it's jolly difficult having being interrupted so often. Bad luck Peter but you had got a lot of other points from them. Derek Nimmo you have the subject, you have a point, and you have 18 seconds, the first of a new series starting now.

DN: In 1964 I was present at the Wanderers Ground in South Africa to see the first of a new series. My goodness, what a series it turned out to be. The splendid team that we sent out that year clad in their white...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of out. He said in 1953 he was out in South Africa...

NP: Out in South Africa and he was out again...

DN: Absolutely right!

NP: And Peter...

DN: Jolly good! What a keen ear he's got!

NP: Yes and what a sarcastic contestant he's got beside him! Five seconds for you now, Peter Jones on the first of a...

PJ: How long?

NP: Five seconds.

PJ: Five seconds yes.

NP: Yes, the first of a new series starting now.

PJ: Well I would like to say, if it's the last thing I do...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of say.

NP: Yes you did say before unfortunately. Clement you have three seconds on the first of a new series starting now.

CF: I'd like to say...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation. Didn't start quickly enough at all! Terribly slow!

NP: Not, not for you Peter, but I'm afraid not enough, quite enough for the game. Two seconds, Clement, on the first of a new series starting now.

CF: And therefore I'd like to greet everyone...

BUZZ

NP: Some... Derek Nimmo.

DN: I have'nt challenged.

PJ: It must have been a correct challenge...

NP: Well someone's light...

PJ: ...because you said it was two seconds and he said nothing! First of all it was three seconds...

DN: Well that's why I did it! I pressed my buzzer a moment ago on the say and it didn't go on. This time I just had a little tentative one...

PJ: Are you blaming your equipment because you're falling behind?

DN: My buzzer's no good! I've got a faulty buzzer! How can you start a new series with a faulty buzzer? That's what I want to know!

NP: Your buzzer's...

KW: A bad workman always blames his tools! Ah yes!

PJ: Right!

NP: Your buzzer's perfectly all right, it came...

DN: My buzzer's not working!

PJ: Now my point is...

NP: Yes what's your point?

PJ: My... Clement had three seconds...

NP: Yes...

PJ: ...in which to make a speech...

NP: Yes.

PJ: ...and I buzzed...

NP: Yes.

PJ: ...hesitation...

NP: Yes.

PJ: ...you then said "now you've got two seconds"...

NP: But during that second...

PJ: He said nothing!

NP:... he said something.

PJ: What did he say? Nothing!

NP: He did speak, he said, er, a definite phrase, the full content I can't remember, but he did speak...

PJ: You're the chairman and you can't remember what the last speaker said?

DN: It's going to be a rotten series, I can tell you!

PJ: I don't know! I think, you know, his buzzer isn't working, you can't remember! What chance have we got!

NP: We won't have a chance in hell if you keep up this much longer! Right, Peter shut up! Kenneth, er, Derek...

KW: I haven't said anything! I think it's a disgrace! I come all the way from Great Portland Street...

DN: He's losing his nerve!

NP: I said...

PJ: I'm not surprised!

NP: I said once...

DN: I want my buzzer to be repaired!

KW: Leave your buzzer out of it!

NP: I said once the four boys get together, it's all against the chairman! Clement you've been very very restrained and very civilised. You have another point and one second to go, the first of a new series starting now.

CF: The end of...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that whistle which is blown by Ian Messiter tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud and after about five minutes into the show, we've got through the first round! The next subject we are going to start with Clement Freud, it is gravy. Clement, that lovely subject for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Gravy are or is the juice, possibly juices...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes because he wasn't sure whether "gravy are" was correct or not. Fifty-five seconds Derek on gravy with you starting now.

DN: In medieval times they always used to place the gravy by the meat...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I give it against you, I give it against him. Fifty-two seconds on gravy with you Clement starting now.

CF: I can't get my winkle out
Oh isn't it a doer
I can't get it out with an old bent pin
Has...

BUZZ

CF: ... anyone here...

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I heard out twice.

NP: You did hear out twice and that's repetition.

CF: And can't twice.

KW: Well how dare you! What was that? A bit of doggerel? What were you reciting?

NP: It doesn't matter, he was going on gravy.

KW: I see. He was, was he?

NP: He was dishing the gravy...

DN: I've never seen a winkle with gravy!

NP: And little tiny sausages. You always have gravy with them. Um Kenneth you have a correct challenge for which you get a point and you have 47 seconds on gravy starting now.

KW: It is appropriate this subject should come to me. Because my dear old friend, Maudie Fittleworth, Fun-With-A-Frankfurter, always said there was nothing like a drop of gravy to wash 'em down with. I thought that was excellent culinary advice. I don't think anyone would dare to challenge me on those sort of matters. I have a palate, a very definite taste...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of very.

NP: I'm afraid...

PJ: He said very early on.

NP: Yes you did. I thought you were going to say he said palate again.

PJ: No.

NP: Peter you have a correct challenge, you have 22 seconds on gravy starting now.

PJ: I can give you a very good recipe for ploughman's gravy which involves cutting up a kidney and a rasher of bacon and some shallots. You put them in an iron pan, allow them to go brown, and then when they have dome so, pour in a handful of powdered oatmeal and then once it has got darker, you pour in...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went. He gained an extra point for doing so and has moved into the lead, one ahead of Clement Freud. Derek Nimmo, you begin the next round, the subject is my left Wellington boot. Can you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

DN: It always of course brings to mind that famous battle of Waterloo when the Duke who at that time was Marquis of Wellsford led the British troops to victory against Napoleon. And then the cabaret was commanded for him by Paget, later to become the first Marquis of Anglesea. And I remember every time I put on my left hand Wellington boot. This famous victory... shut up! And then...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Shut up? Nothing to do with Wellington boots or what he was talking about.

NP: You have the subject and you have 32 seconds, my left Wellington boot starting now.

CF: When I put on my left Wellington boot, the chairman, who was fighting on the other side, jumped upon his horse, galloped off into the middle distance towards all directions. At which my left Wellington boot came off...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of which.

NP: Yes he did say it twice. Try and resist the temptation on some of the small words Peter. Fourteen seconds...

PJ: Is which a small word? Oh.

NP: ... on my left Wellington boot with you starting now.

PJ: Almost identical to my right Wellington boot, with the possible exception of the toe-cap which differs in this respect. The right hand side...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of right.

NP: Yes because right is not one of the...

PJ: No, it's a five letter word like which!

NP: Yes! Three seconds for you Clement on my left Wellington boot starting now.

CF: The toastmaster came into the arena shouting...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth Williams your turn to begin.

KW: Oh I was wondering! I thought you'd never ask!

NP: Don Quixote or Don Kwik-sote, which ever way you like to pronounce it. That is the subject and you have Just A Minute on which to speak on it starting now.

KW: Well this was a man who had the illusion that he was part of sort of knight errantry as you might say. A knight and er I've repeated knight...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Two knights.

NP: Ah but I meant the one with a K as opposed to the one with a N. That's what I meant.

NP: Unfortunately Kenneth it is not, it is what you say and not what is written. Fifty seconds for you Derek on Don Quixote starting now.

DN: Charles Parker, make-up man extraordinary had the task of making up Peter O'Toole who played Don Quixote. Sancho Panchez, his great chum, once said to him "those who have" and I can't repeat any more because...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Well he hasn't mentioned Don Quixote and he's trying to make us think that Sancho Panchez is a friend of the makeup man! Who is the only person he has mentioned to date, and that is devious.

DN: No, I mentioned Don Quixote.

CF: No.

DN: He was making up to play Don Quixote.

NP: No he was, I know, you established he was in my mind. And after all Sancho Panchez is the um...

CF: We're going by your mind now, are we?

NP: It's better than going by yours Clement!

SCATTERED APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thank you very much!

CF: Your mother is in again!

NP: I've got to get support somewhere Clement! I don't expect any from my so-called friends up here! Um I think you established that you were on the subject of Don Quixote so I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, you have 41 seconds starting now.

DN: The Man Of La Mansia was the name of the musical that was called, created...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree with that one Peter, and you now have 36 seconds on Don Quixote starting now.

PJ: I think he is possibly the most boring character in fiction. This book...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I don't!

NP: You just want to see if your buzzer was working?

DN: I was actually. It was working.

NP: It worked beautifully. You can't get points that way Derek. Peter Jones gets a point for that wrong challenge...

PJ: But that's not fair! That's ah...

NP: You get a point, it's perfectly fair from your point of view.

PJ: Is it?

NP: Yes.

PJ: Yes. Oh I see but then I've lost the thread which was pretty slender to start with!

KW: No, you were saying you thought it was boring.

NP: That is one of the points...

PJ: I think it's the Just A Minute equivalent of bumping and boring! And very boring it is.

NP: I quite agree Peter and you have 30 seconds starting now.

PJ: It's divided into three large tomes, and I don't know many people who have managed to wade through more than one and a half of them. Because, you see, each chapter involves an adventure which is frequently...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I'm afraid so, 14 seconds Derek on Don Quixote starting now.

DN: The word quixotic comes from Don Kwik-sott or Don Quixote. And it is a kind of expression that involves...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think Don Quixote is giving us a great deal of hesitation. There are six and a half seconds with you Peter on Don Quixote starting now.

PJ: I'd like to be quite sure that Ian Messiter's clock hasn't stopped or...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, this is nothing to do with Don Quixote.

NP: I quite agree Kenneth and you have a point for that and you have three seconds on Don Quixote starting now.

KW: We have the term tilting at windmills from this. And we also have quixotic...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Peter Jones got some more points. He's now moved back into the lead alongside Clement Freud. Derek Nimmo's a little way behind in second place and Kenneth just a little way behind that in fourth, third place as they were equal. And Clement we're back with you to start and the subject is the kindest thing I ever did. We'll give you a few seconds to think about that and tell you to go for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

CF: If kindness can be measured by helping elderly ladies across the road, the kindest thing I ever did was to assist an incredibly old woman go past the roundabout on to a street down a lane, into an avenue. She was roughly 93 years old and her sight as well as her hearing were failing, which is why she didn't recognise me. Hello, I said to her, and she said "what did you say..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Three saids.

NP: Well two would have been enough. There are 28 seconds for the kindest thing I ever did, Derek starting now.

DN: (very slowly) The kindest thing I ever did was to help...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: He's going very slow deliberately! That's what he's doing! I mean that's just trickery! That's just using oratory as a trick, isn't it, as a trick.

NP: It is.

KW: Yes.

NP: Yes it is.

KW: He's not making any attempt to convey information. (very very slowly) I want...

NP: I don't think he was going slow enough to call it hesitation though. I must...

PJ: He was trying to conjure up the picture of this very elderly lady.

KW: What?

PJ: I think he did it very graphically really.

NP: Well I think he wasn't quite hesitating so we give him the benefit of the doubt and 25 seconds to continue starting now.

DN: (very slowly) The kindest thing I ever did was to assist Clement Freud to go around...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Yes I mean...

NP: I would agree with hesitation.

DN: I did it at exactly the same speed. That's all.

NP: Well that's all right but Kenneth Williams now has the subject and there are 20 seconds left starting now.

KW: The kindest thing I ever did was to offer to help Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud and Peter Jones to perform in a game called Just A Minute. They welcomed me with open arms and said "on any occasion when misfortune forces us into some terrible..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No! Kenneth you keep going, having gained another point for three seconds on the kindest thing I ever did starting now.

KW: We shall look to you for the humanitarian gentleman that you are...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth got quite a few points in that round including the one when, for speaking as the whistle went. He's still alas in fourth place, just behind Derek Nimmo. But Derek's creeping up on our two leaders, Peter Jones and Clement Freud. The subject is getting across, would you talk about that for Just A Minute, Peter, starting now.

PJ: Well I haven't got much to say about getting across, I think I'd better give it back again...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Deviation, if you've got nothing to say, why don't you shut up, and I'll do it!

PJ: That's why I said it.

NP: We'll give you a point because the audience enjoyed what you said Kenneth. But Peter wasn't deviating from the subject on the card so it was an incorrect challenge. So he gets a point for a wrong challenge and he keeps going starting now.

PJ: I remember my first visit to America. I had to go to Southampton and get on a small boat which joined the liner two or three miles outside, owing to some labour dispute at the docks. And when I arrived on the top of this small vessel...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, you pressed your buzzer.

DN: Oh I don't know, small wasn't it, ship, I don't know, some kind of, I can't remember now.

NP: No! He didn't repeat anything, I was listening very carefully.

DN: No there was a...

PJ: I said vessel.

NP: He said vessel, you thought he was going to say ship again. So Peter gets a point for a wrong challenge. Derek your challenge was incorrect...

DN: Oh sorry.

NP: Peter has a point, there are 22 seconds left on getting across starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

PJ: Who?

NP: Yes Peter?

PJ: Me?

NP: Yes it was you!

PJ: I thought you were looking at him!

NP: No it's him now. Ah Clement Freud has a point and you have 20 seconds on getting across. I advise anybody who gets started to get across, otherwise... starting now.

CF: If you serve in the British Army, perform some enormous feat of bravery, you are likely to be awarded the Military Cross, which is known in popular terms as getting a Cross. As a result of this you are asked to Buckingham Palace and some duty Royal attends you, pinning a ribbon on to your left lapel...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud you've got another point for speaking when the whistle went. You are one point behind our leader who is Peter Jones. Derek Nimmo in third place and Kenneth Williams almost equal with him in third place. And Peter Jones, your turn to begin, the subject, pleasantries.

PJ: Well they're those little things, not exactly jokes or even quips. But...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Derek. You have a correct challenge and you have 53 seconds on pleasantries starting now.

DN: Whatho old fruit! How frightfully nice to see you! It is a lovely day! Oh my goodness me! Isn't it a long time since we last met! What a jokey chap you are! I know Freddie, Bertie boy! You're looking absolutely marvellous! Mary how is your cousin George! Oh I do remember Auntie Mabel last time she came across from across the other side of the Channel! I do think it's quite simply lovely! I....

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: What, absolutely right.

NP: He did say it quite a lot didn't he. Clement you have a point and 31 seconds for pleasantries starting now.

CF: Come and have tea with me and listen to my doilies is the sort of plea...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, you can't listen to a doily! I've never held an intelligent conversation with a doily in my life!

NP: No!

KW: Doilies are under cakes, aren't they?

NP: Yes!

KW: They're just lying there aren't they! I've never talked to one.

CF: Or next to Cartes!

KW: Oh! You mean D'Oyly Carte. Oh I see. Oh you mean you know the family?

NP: Well um Kenneth we would like to hear from you and I think that doilies does sound like doilies and I don't think many people talk about D'Oyly Carte as doilies. And Mr D'Oyly Carte himself would be turning in his grave at the thought of it.

KW: Quite right!

NP: So Kenneth we'll give it to you and say that you have 26 seconds on pleasantries starting now.

KW: They range from "what'cher, cock?" which of course is pretty ruuude in the sense of cruuude, not in any...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuude!

NP: It was very rude! But as it's the last round...

DN: Repetition, it was repetition.

NP: I know it was repetition but as it's the last round and you couldn't possibly win...

KW: I didn't repeat, I said rude in the sense of crude. Where's the repetition, dearie?

NP: I'm sorry...

KW: You want to wash your ears out!

PJ: I thought he said rude twice.

KW: Of course I didn't, you great fool! I mean I don't know why he's sitting over there! Why don't they give him a hearing aid!

DN: All three of us!

NP: I'm afraid most of the audience thought you said rude twice.

CF: No, no!

KW: Did I?

SHOUTS OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: It's all right, we're all on his side. You don't have to shout for him like that. Even if he said rude twice, I was still going to leave it with him for the end of the show. Because he started and we want you to finish.

CF: It's pathetic when you...

NP: Pleasantries, 19 seconds starting now.

KW: Let all the rest depart and only some several dukes and I shall in this stately conclave make departure and thus with all our minds on one intent shall no... I said shall twice...

BUZZ

NP: Why didn't you keep going? Clement Freud what have you challenged for?

CF: Three shalls.

NP: All right we have to give it to you coz it was a correct challenge. There are six seconds on pleasantries starting now.

CF: In the evening when the lights are dim and...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Peter, you have three seconds on pleasantries starting now.

PJ: I threw the money on the bed and I said to the girl's father...

WHISTLE

NP: Well we do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. We've really enjoyed playing it. I've even enjoyed them being rude to me for once! It's um, I must tell you the final result. Kenneth Williams did do very well at the finish and he came up into second place alongside Derek Nimmo which is very good after such a long absence from the game Kenneth. And Clement Freud was just a few points ahead of them. But he was one point behind this week's winner who was Peter Jones! We do hope you've enjoyed it because we've enjoyed it. From all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.