starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 27 June 1987)
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!
THEME MUSIC
NP: Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to introduce to you the four regular players of Just A Minute. And once more I'm going to ask them to bring that style, authority, ingenuity and dexterity to the show as I ask them to speak on the subject that I give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And our regulars are of course Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. Will you please welcome all four of them! I will make the decisions as I try and interpret the rules which have been thought of by the creator of the game, Ian Messiter who sits beside me with a stopwatch so that he can blow his whistle when the 60 seconds is up. And he also keeps the score for me. Let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams, and Kenneth the subject is glory. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: The only lady I ever met called Glory lived in Kensington and I met her through Maggie Smith, who had this chow who jumped off the balcony, and they didn't know that those particular dogs had an idea about heights. And Glory was responsible for calling an ambulance because it died. The glory of our birth and fate is shadow, not a substantial thing. Septimus Trown must tumble down into the dust, equal made with the crooked scythe and spared only the actions of the just...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PETER JONES: Deviation.
NP: Why?
PJ: He didn't seem to be talking about glory.
NP: I don't know what he was talking about quite frankly.
PJ: Well then that's good enough, isn't it.
NP: It is good enough, yes.
DEREK NIMMO: I couldn't understand a single word he was saying!
NP: No! So you get a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of glory and there are 14 seconds left starting now.
PJ: What Price Glory was a play by Maxwell Anderson. A dramatist who penned another dramatic item called Key Largo. Then there's that hymn, Glory Ditto...
WHISTLE
NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains that all important extra point. And it was Peter Jones. Peter Jones is in the lead at the end of the first round.
PJ: Thank you fans!
NP: In fact he's the only one to get any points in that round. Clement Freud will you take the next round, the subject, fast food. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.
CLEMENT FREUD: Chips, beans, bacon, anything that you can sizzle on a grill qualifies as fast food. And I'm not a great expert on it. Although I'm a tremendous believer in that sort of concept, because so many people spend hours of the day and weeks and months preparing stuff that in fact is so marginally better than what would take them much less time to take, make...
BUZZ
NP: Yes he was going so well. It was so interesting wasn't it, and if he hadn’t corrected... so Derek I agree with your challenge so you have 10 seconds to tell us something about fast food starting now.
DN: For the people of South East Asia, they particularly like dim sums which are a particular kind of...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Particular.
KW: No, he said particularly and then particular kind. That's not repetition.
CF: Are you the chairman?
KW: No!
CF: I thought there was an element of togetherness on the part of us who play the game.
NP: I think he's, I think he's actually jockeying for my job. So maybe in the next series we'll have to do the thing we did...
KW: No it's just that I don't like to see people wrongly accused!
DN: Thank you Kenneth!
NP: Right so he wasn't wrong, he was wrongly accused which means he gets a point for that Kenneth, and keeps the subject Derek of fast foods starting, oh five seconds starting now.
DN: There are far too many fast food shops in this country because we all eat on the hoof. And that's why there's so much litter in the street...
WHISTLE
NP: At the end of that round Derek Nimmo got that point for speaking as the whistle went, and also other points in the round, so now he's in the lead. And Peter Jones your turn to begin, and the subject following fast food is corn. Can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.
PJ: It's very nice if it's fresh. You put it into boiling water, having first removed the outer leaves of course and what I think is called the silk. And you leave it there bubbling away for about 10 or 12 minutes. And whip it out, put a lot of butter or margarine or other sort of fat on it. And get a lot of toothpicks around you because you're going to need them. It gets in between the teeth in the most tiresome way I find. It must be the fibres that surround the kernel, which is very nourishing in it's way of course. But um...
BUZZ
NP: Derek...
DN: But um and repetition of of course.
NP: Yes.
PJ: You don't have to pile it on.
NP: Just to let you know, and obviously letting the audience here know and everybody else know, there was an of course earlier on. He let him go until he erred and then he's taking up corn with 25 seconds to go Derek starting now.
DN: Corn's really a rather nice subject.
Little Boy Blue, come blow on your horn
The cow's in the meadow, the sheep in the corm
Where is the little chap who looks after the four-legged quadrupeds...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Repetition of little. Little boy, little chap
NP: Oh yes! Well listened.
DN: Absolutely!
NP: Yes so Clement Freud has got in, 11 seconds to go, and the subject is corn and you start now.
CF: Peter Jones talked very eloquently about sweetcorn, but of course there are other kinds of corn, particularly corn salad which the French call salad dumarche and we call by...
WHISTLE
NP: Well Clement Freud has gained that point for speaking as the whistle went, he's with Peter Jones behind Derek Nimmo, and ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Derek your turn to begin, it's getting to become quite a gastronomic show because the next subject is chilli. Mind you there are other ways you could take chilli aren't there. Let's see what Derek Nimmo will do as he begins now.
DN: Chilli is a subject which you can take several ways as our chairman has said. There's that particular country which stretches down from the North America practically down to the South Pole. Which is called Chile and the capital is Santiago and my wife happens to have been born there, many years ago. But her father was editor of a newspaper, which might or might not interest you. It probably doesn't. Anyway...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones challenged.
PJ: Yeah repetition of might.
NP: Yes yes, bit of a sharp challenge, but we...
PJ: Oh was it?
NP: Yes.
PJ: Anyway I thought it was ah...
NP: Well done Peter, no, 37 seconds for you to tell us something about Chile starting now.
PJ: It's ah, it comes from the...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: It's ah.
NP: Er er, you erred.
CF: Oh it's a bit sharp! A bit sharp!
DN: That was another sharp challenge.
CF: Another.
PJ: Very sharp.
NP: Yes, only 34 seconds left for you take back the subject of Chile Derek starting now.
DN: It was called chilly which was nature's mechanism...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Ah it was a sharp was there.
NP: Another sharp challenge for you Peter, 31 seconds, taking over chilli again starting now.
PJ: It comes from the cupiscum pod and it's terribly hot. If you put more than one into say a chilli, then it gets very er...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Hesitation.
NP: Hesitation indeed, I say it is getting very chilly, the atmosphere isn't it. Twenty seconds for you Clement on chilli starting now.
CF: People talk quite a lot about Santiago and Belveriso, but my favourite town...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Absolute rubbish! People don't talk a lot about them! Most people don't know a thing about any of them!
NP: That's one of those impossible challenges, it's probably...
KW: They discuss Santiago so little they don't know it means Saint James.
NP: There's a lot of people around who probably never mention the word, and yet there might be others who mention...
DN: My wife mentions it all the time!
NP: There we are so...
KW: But she's South American! She's bound to!
NP: If you agree with Clement Freud, then you cheer for him. And if you disagree you boo for Kenneth Williams and you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: They're all on your side Kenneth.
KW: Yes I think I've got it.
NP: The boos have it, so Chile is with you, 16 seconds starting now.
KW: Well of course that fellow Pinochet was an enormous influence and I think for the good...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: I don't think he was an enormous influence! I want, I want you to put it to the audience!
NP: No no, this is the only fair way I can do it because on that other challenge which can be interpreted, it went against you Clement, it must therefore go against Kenneth on this one, because it's a similar kind of one. So Clement you have the subject back with nine seconds to go, Chile starting now.
CF: Equique which is on the coast, rather far down the country, would be an impossible place to spell on this game by virtue of the fact it contains two Qs...
WHISTLE
NP: So Clement Freud and Peter Jones gained points in that round, Clement for one speaking as the whistle went. They're both in the lead, one ahead of Derek Nimmo, and Kenneth is trailing behind them a little and he begins the next round. Kenneth the subject is rules which we have in this show which I try and interpret and there's one minute to talk about them starting now.
KW: Rules are made to be broken by geniuses, and Michelangelo is a case in point, so of course is John McEnroe. And I am among this group as well. Rules exist...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: I think he's in the McEnroe Group, I don't think he's in the er other one!
NP: The Michelangelo Group! All right, what do I do? Give Peter a bonus point because we enjoyed his challenge and leave the subject with Kenneth, but he’s got a point because he was interrupted. Forty-seven seconds are left with you Kenneth on rules starting now.
KW: I went to a restaurant called Rules in Maiden Lane, and saw in a tiny alcove, almost hidden from public view, two people having what was obviously a tete a tete... oh...
BUZZ
NP: Which of course in France means my bra's too tight! Ah Clement Freud got in first with the challenge, and which we all know what it was, tete. And rules is back with you Clement and there are 32 seconds... no it's not back with you, it's the first time you've spoken on rules, 32 seconds are left starting now.
CF: This is the first time that I've spoken on rules and I'm very pleased and grateful to be given this opportunity. We in Westminster who move in the circles of Government spend much time on rules...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: He doesn't move in the circles of Government, he's in Opposition! Deviation!
KW: Hahahahahahaha! Yes! Hahahahahahahaha! Oh! Oh! Yes!
NP: It was either wish fulfilment or he foresaw the future!
CF: How can you have a circle of Government which doesn't encompass the Opposition? If we didn't have a Government...
NP: It's how you interpret the word Government. Whether you refer to the Houses of Parliament as the seat of Government...
KW: Yes we don't want to get bogged down in a load of rubbish! A load of rubbish about semantics! I mean we...
NP: Well I would say...
KW: just give him a point for an amusing challenge and get on with it!
NP: Kenneth! I quite agree with you but don't get so carried away!
KW: Well we haven't got that much time!
NP: I think within Just A Minute, Derek's challenge does stand. So Derek we give it to you with 18 seconds on rules starting now.
DN: The rules of Just A Minute supposedly are that you can't deviate, hesitate or repeat yourself. There are however all kinds of other rules which our chairman invents from time to time. And when he's in a totally...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: I think time to time is...
DN: I think so!
NP: Yes.
DN: It's as bad as tete a tete, I think!
NP: And five seconds are left for you Clement on rules starting now.
CF: In football it is for instance essential to have one man between you and the goal...
WHISTLE
NP: Well with the subject of rules Clement Freud has surged ahead and it's also his turn to begin. And the subject is fancy dress, will you tell us something about that Clement in just A Minute starting now.
CF: I find it rather embarrassing to talk about fancy dress while Kenneth Williams is wearing an admiral's hat. And I wish he wouldn't.
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Well he seemed to stop.
NP: He did pause, Derek you have 51 seconds to take over fancy dress starting now.
DN: The reason that Kenneth is wearing an admiral's hat is because Clement Freud is wearing a Busby and a big red nose! And I think he just does this to attract attention. And likes to come along from the House of Commons wearing fancy dress. I myself apologise for my miniskirt and suspenders which I tend to wear on most occasions and it should not be in any way confused with fancy dress...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: I don't see why he should apologise for the ah suspenders. I think they suit him better than the normal wear he comes in in every other week!
NP: So what is your challenge then?
PJ: Deviation!
NP: So we give Peter two points, one for his first challenge which we enjoyed and one for the topping it up...
DN: These are the new rules I was telling you about just before.
NP: But Derek Nimmo gets a point for being interrupted, because he didn't actually deviate, keeps the subject of fancy dress, 28 seconds starting now.
DN: When Peter Jones goes out in fancy dress, he often goes dressed as Derek Nimmo. Because by doing he gets all kinds of abuse hurled at him. I was at a marvellous fancy dress party the other day at Kew given by Lord Montague, the fifth Baron I think he might be. And everybody had to go, dressed, would you believe, as something to do with a motor car. I went as a zebra crossing and people were walking over me all night...
WHISTLE
NP: So Derek Nimmo got a number of points in that round, but of course Peter Jones got two with the help of the chairman there but he deserved them. They are both equal in second place one point behind Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams for once is trailing a little. Peter it's your turn to begin, the subject now is bedroom slippers. Would you tell us something about that subject in Just A Minute starting now.
PJ: Well I prefer the old term carpet slippers which used to be fashioned out of rugs and ah carpets...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: It got a bit hesitant.
NP: Yes I would call that hesitation indeed Kenneth. So 53 seconds for you to tell us something about bedroom slippers starting now.
KW: The bedroom slippers worn by Louis The Eighteenth were very dear to him, because he said they'd taken...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged you.
DN: Deviation, Louis The Eighteenth?
KW: Louis 18 yes, restored by the Bourbon, you see the Bourbon dynasty was restored. And when, when, when Napoleon returned from Elba, he shoved out Louis 18.
NP: So that's the end of the history lesson from Kenneth Williams and with that additional information we return to Just A Minute and Kenneth Williams is to continue talking on bedroom slippers, it's a far cry from Louis The Eighteenth with 45 seconds to go starting now.
KW: Well of course it absolutely ruined the flow of my narrative. And on these occasions I am at quite at a loss. But on the other hand my bedroom slippers are enchante and very distinguished with a sort of engrossed leather on the outside part and the...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, you can't have an engrossed leather. You can be engrossed in leather!
NP: Yes.
KW: No you...
CF: Or rubber.
KW: You don't understand the use of the word, you see your vocabulary is limited! Engrossed, engrossing as you can find out from the OED includes ornamentation. Engrossed lettering is lettering with ornamentation and it's the same with leather. If you engross...
PJ: Oh God, go back to Louis The Eighteenth!
NP: That's the end of the practical lesson for this afternoon and as we'll leave it with Kenneth with bedroom slippers with 22 seconds left starting now.
KW: The nicest pair I had were portable in so far as you could actually fold them and put them into a little case which had a zip fastener. And I used to put them in when I went on holidays. And they were lovely, so pliable that you would not believe! Well you'd have to in actual fact because I'm giving you my word...
WHISTLE
NP: So Kenneth took the subject of bedroom slippers and in spite of interruptions kept going with it with that panache for which he is well known. And has leapt forward but is still in fourth place. But he is now only just behind Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones who are only one point behind our leader Clement Freud. Derek will you take the next round, the subject, forging ahead. Will you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now.
DN: I suppose forging ahead has been made very much easier these days because of the photocopying machine. Now if for instance you took Durer's famous picture of Saint Jerome in the wilderness, that marvellous head that you look at when you observe that drawing, you will see how easy it is to be able to forge that head. And that is what I try to do. Also of course with banknotes. The 50 pound one attracts me greatly. Now her gracious Majesty, Queen Elizabeth The Second, defender of the faith, etcetera, is awfully... typical...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Hesitation.
NP: Hesitation Clement, there are 24 seconds left for you to tell us about forging ahead starting now.
CF: Forging ahead is quite difficult to do wearing carpet slippers, let alone those you have in the bedroom. It is pretty well known that...
BUZZ
NP: And Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Hesitation.
NP: Fifteen seconds are left for you Peter Jones on forging ahead starting now.
PJ: Forging ahead I identify with competition, and I'm not terribly keen on that, and certainly not good at it as I've demonstrated so many times on this particular programme. But forging ahead for athletes when they're in...
WHISTLE
NP: Well Peter may say he's not very good at forging ahead on this programme. But he's now forged ahead and he's equal in the lead with Clement Freud. Kenneth it's your turn to begin and the subject is stamp. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.
KW: Well the postage stamp we had the great cleverness, you see, to invent. And when Roland Hill designed the idea of this service which would get your letter from one place to another on the stagecoach for only one penny, the stamp was known as the... black...
BUZZ
KW: I was going to say penny black and I realised I'd said penny.
NP: I know, you couldn't repeat the word penny so you paused instead. And Clement got in first so Clement the subject is stamp and there are 33 seconds left starting now.
CF: Stamp happens when you put your foot down with force. Like Augustus who used to stamp quite frequently. He was a jolly lad but the less soup he got, the thinner he became. And stamping was looked upon by his nurse as a quite evil thing to do. I believe that stamps are the most... opportune...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Hesitation.
NP: Yes a subject which is tripping them up, but 10 seconds now with Derek Nimmo on stamps starting now.
DN: That very fine actor, Terence Stamp, has chambers in Albany which is just off Piccadilly. I greatly envy him having that particular place in which to live because he always seems to...
WHISTLE
NP: So Derek Nimmo's now equal with Peter Jones and Clement Freud is one ahead. And it's Clement's turn to begin, the subject is expense accounts. Clement will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.
CF: If you go to Singapore, you can turn your watch upside down and it will tell the right time. Because in that part of the world, it is exactly five and a half hours adrift of Greenwich Mean. And it's enormously useful. If you have an expense account you're likely to be sent all over the Far and Near East as is Derek Nimmo. And little snippets of information, brilliant...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Hesitation.
NP: Hesitation is right. Expense accounts is now with you Peter and there are 32 seconds left starting now.
PJ: Well I can't see that it's really anything to do with turning your watch upside down. Although it...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Deviation, nothing to do with expense accounts.
NP: That was one of the cleverest bits of gamesmanship and ploy that's ever occurred in Just A Minute. He wasn't talking about expense accounts, and Peter took it up, and you have now very cleverly got him back on that Clement. And you've got the subject back with 26 seconds starting now.
CF: It is being reimbursed for business costs which are properly...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.
DN: Hesitation.
NP: Yes, even though he got it back he couldn't keep going. Nineteen seconds for you Derek on expense accounts starting now.
DN: Well expense accounts or fiddle sheets as they're often called reminds me of a little rhyme.
In Brighton it was Bertha
And Patsy who lived in Perth
In Cambridge it was Clarissa
The sweetest girl on Earth
In Stanford it was Stella
The pick of all the bunch...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud...
DN: But on his expenses
It was petrol, oil and lunch!
NP: So Clement let's hear your challenge before we heard the payoff to his rhyme.
CF: I admired his rhyme.
NP: Oh! I think you're being very generous...
CF: Appreciation.
NP: Yes are you going to withdraw your challenge then?
CF: Yes.
NP: Right, so as he was interrupted Derek gets a point for that and has three seconds to continue on expense accounts starting now.
DN: Expense accounts are awfully admirable if you're putting them in yourself or someone's giving them to you...
WHISTLE
NP: Well Clement was extremely generous then because Derek was repeating the word was and I think that was his challenge. Because he's now allowed Derek with that withdrawal of his challenge to go equal in the lead at the end of that round. They're one ahead of Peter Jones. Peter it's your turn to begin, neck and neck between the three of you. The subject is wine and you have 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Well I don't know a great deal about wine. I love cheap red wine, or plonk as it's called. And we do drink probably more than is good for us, my wife and I, and the people who come to see us and join us at our table. But the other kind of chateau bottled wine, I have had one or two, and been incredibly disappointed. Chateau Laffite I remember...
BUZZ
NP: Oh dear! Derek Nimmo challenged. Yes.
PJ: Couple of Chateaus.
DN: Couple of Chateaus.
NP: There was another Chateau, he chateaued himself on his Chateau.
PJ: Oh Chateau!
NP: So Derek's now gone one ahead and 38 seconds on wine starting now.
DN: Chateau Laffite I don't think have ever disappointed me, nor has Le Tourne, Bruton Rothschild, Brionne and of course that other one with the great premium Krug clarets, the name of which for the moment has evaded me. Was it Lautour, that's right I think. Now I like particularly going round the vineyards of Australia, MacLauren Vale, Barossa Valley, Hunter, that is a wonderful part. And south of the Swan River where the Americas Cup has been taking place, they have some of the finest Chardonnay wines in the whole wide world. I bring them back in great casks, putting them into my cellar which is brimming over with the finest wines from all over the world...
BUZZ
NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of finest.
DN: Fine wines, finest.
NP: You are quite right, you did say fine before, and that was finest then. The challenge wasn't correct so you have a half a second on wine Derek starting now.
DN: From the Barossa...
WHISTLE
NP: Well...
PJ: I wondered why you got so excited so suddenly Derek. I couldn't understand it.
NP: That was unfortunately the last round in this particular game of Just A Minute so let me give you the final score. Kenneth Williams who in this series has triumphed on more than one occasion, gave his usual erudite and delightful contribution, finishing in fourth place. Behind Peter Jones who gave his usual dry witty comments which keep the show going. And he was one point behind Clement Freud, whose wit and wisdom contributed greatly. But the final score, three ahead of Clement Freud, our winner this week, Derek Nimmo! Well we hope you have enjoyed listening to Just A Minute as much as we have enjoyed playing the game. And it only remains for me to say on behalf of the creator of the game, the deviser, Ian Messiter, our producer Edward Taylor, and myself, Nicholas Parsons, thank you for tuning in. We hope that you'll be at the other end of your wireless sets and radios when once again we take to the air and play Just A Minute! Till then from all of us here good-bye!
THEME MUSIC