starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 17 March 1975)
THEME MUSIC
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Peter Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed. Hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as always I'm going to ask our four favourite, most experienced, and most skilful, and popular male contestants of the game to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card if they can. We'll begin the show this week with Clement Freud. And the subject Clement is the way the wind blows. Our audience is already started laughing, good sign! Clement you have Just A Minute in which to go on that subject and you start now.
CLEMENT FREUD: The way the wind blows is measured on the beaufort scale from gale force down to placidity which is known as 10, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two and one. or in other words strong, weak, pathetic. If you are flying an aeroplane it is terribly important to know the way the wind blows because there is a sock which is billowed out by the air, passing in a north or southeast or westerly direction and the.
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.
NP: Yes there was a hesitation. He was up in the aeroplane and completely lost with all his north, south, east and west. Derek you have a point for a correct challenge, you have 25 seconds, you take over the subject, the way the wind blows starting now.
DN: People often refer to somebody saying that he goes the way the wind blows. And of course it's a nautical expression, really. It means that you go in the direction of the wind with your boat, let your sails be set form and off you float across the sea, puffed on by a great big wind...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PETER JONES: If you're in a sailing boat you don't necessarily go in the same direction as the wind.
NP: No, you don't, in fact you try and get the wind behind you because you want to go...
DN: That's the way the wind's going.
NP: I think Peter had a very good challenge there.
CF: Very good.
NP: You don't necessarily go the way the wind blows which is what you made a definite statement...
DN: That's what the expression is derived from Nick.
NP: Thank you very much Derek. I will tell you that you have ah 11 seconds to continue on the subject having gained a point for a wrong challenge starting now.
DN: North, seeth, east, west...
BUZZ
NP: Peter challenged.
PJ: North seeth? I mean there's no such place.
DN: Southeast in abbreviation.
NP: So your challenge is?
PJ: Well um, I don't know quite.
NP: It can only be one of three things, hesitation or deviation, yes. Ah this is often what happens in the game, it's difficult to get started.
PJ: Mispronunciation.
NP: Peter I agree with the challenge, you have nine seconds on the way the wind blows starting now.
PJ: Behind Drury Lane...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DN: Hesitation.
NP: No.
PJ: Rubbish!
NP: And you have eight seconds on the way the wind blows Peter starting now.
PJ: There's a machine where they manufacture wind effects. And this is almost indistinguishable from the real thing...
WHISTLE
NP: As usual the whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up, whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point, it was on this occasion Peter Jones who at the end of the round has a lead of one over Derek Nimmo. Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams have yet to score. Derek will you begin the next round, the subject is cycling. Would you start now.
DN: I awfully like bicycling. I do think it's a jolly good sport, don't you, cycling one abbreviates it to. Daisy what can the answer be? It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage, you'll look sweet and all the rest of it, you know, jolly popular song which invokes for me the feeling of mounting one's steed, on a bicycle I would call it really, with my little clips around my angles. But off I go across the meadows and moors with a whistle on my lips and a great panting puffing blowing coming out from my stomach and my chest. As I strain ever harder to go faster and even more rapidly over dales and through tiny little streams sometimes. So I see the minnows pounce...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
CF: Deviation.
NP: I imagine the applause was for Derek, and the booing was for Clement's challenge yes. What is the challenge Clement?
CF: Deviation.
NP: Why?
CF: The whistle would have come out off his lips by now!
NP: The whistle was I imagine being created by himself, and so Derek I disagree with the challenge, you keep the subject, you have 16 seconds left starting now.
DN: Reg Harris was our probably our most famous cyclist in the country. What a sporting gent he was. And ladies and gentlemen we should be proud that in this country we have produced such famous cyclists and don't give them the recognition they really deserve...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
DN: Who challenged? Who won?
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Repetition of famous.
NP: Yes. And cyclists as well because cycling is the subject. Clement Freud got in very cleverly with only half a second to go on the subject of cycling starting now.
CF: OBE!
WHISTLE
NP: Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went, he gained the extra point. But he's still in second place, Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo are equal in the lead. And Peter your turn to begin, the subject following that one now is recycling. So can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.
PJ: Recycling yes well if you can cast your minds back to May, you may recall that a manufacturer...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Two mays.
NP: Oh yes! And you can say one was the, was the er...
KW: It was the month of, and he meant something else, but he said two mays.
NP: Yes there were, he used it twice.
PJ: Yes quite.
NP: So Kenneth...
KW: You fell right in it, you did mate, you fell right in it.
NP: So Kenneth nice to hear from you, and you have 53 seconds on the subject of recycling starting now.
KW: Well this is a process whereby something which was considered used, second-hand if you like, is put through these various methods, you see, and then something else comes out and that is also employable, hahaha...
BUZZ
KW: No, hahaha is not a repetition, don't be so ridiculous! If you think hahaha is a repetition, you might as well say breathing is a repetition. We're not having that, are we.
NP: We haven't heard what Clement Freud's challenge is yet.
CF: (barely able to speak for laughing) Repetition!
NP: Of what, Clement?
CF: Hahaha.
NP: I'm afraid it was more than once, it was twice, so I must give it to him Kenneth, I'm sorry.
KW: Oh well if that's how you're going to play this game, we know who how we stand don't we.
NP: We are sitting...
KW: All right then, you just wait, from now on you just wait, my boy! You just wait! If that's the way the wind blows, all right! If they're going to play dirty, I can, don't worry, I come all the way from Great Portland Street, I'm ready for this.
PJ: You said just you wait three times then.
NP: I know.
PJ: You repeated that.
NP: And that was the way the wind blows, and there was a lot of wind that came up then, I can assure you. Recycled too! Clement you have 30 seconds on recycling starting now.
CF: On the second year that Wembley Stadium staged the seven day recycling race, Reg Harris...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Deviation, there's no such things as a recycling race, at Wembley, and we all know it! He's just giving us a load of guff! That's all it is, a load of old rubbish and I'm not going to buy it!
NP: I, I, didn't, I must be truthful, I've never heard of a recycling race. Unless you're being very clever Clement.
KW: Of course there isn't, don't spend time on it, just give it to me, dear, come on! Procedural wrangles, it's ridiculous, isn't it!
NP: Twenty-five seconds on recycling Kenneth starting now.
KW: So this stuff comes out and is reusable. Now this is a very good thing in a country like ours, because as you know we're an industrial power. There's an awful lot of waste goes on. People throw the old stuff out...
BUZZ
NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Repetition of people.
NP: Yes I'm afraid there was and Peter has the subject, and there are 12 seconds on recycling Peter starting now.
PJ: You may remember this man I was telling you about gave it as his opinion...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Repetition of man.
NP: Yes he told us about the man before.
PJ: No I didn't, I said a well known, no I said a manufacturer last time, that's why I deliberately said man this time.
NP: Well done Peter, you have nine seconds on recycling starting now.
PJ: Said he didn't think it was a good idea...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Repetition of said, the man said...
NP: He did that, you did say said too. Eight seconds now for Derek Nimmo on recycling starting now.
DN: Reg Harris, OBE...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: I'm getting fed up with Reg Harris!
NP: So what's the challenge?
KW: So am I, I'm sick of him!
PJ: Repetition.
KW: Absolutely right.
NP: Well he hasn't repeated Reg Harris in this round.
KW: Who is this Reg Harris he keeps on bringing up anyway?
PJ: He's gone on, they've all being going on about Reg Harris, it's so boring!
KW: Yes I quite agree! Who is he anyway?
PJ: I don't know.
KW: Oh is he?
PJ: His father used to make the tweed, I don't know what.
NP: Derek you have a point for an incorrect challenge and there are five seconds on recycling starting now.
DN: Recycled would come out as Ger Sirrah, OBE would be...
WHISTLE
NP: At the end of that round Derek Nimmo has taken the lead there, two ahead of Peter Jones, three ahead of Clement Freud, and four ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, Leo the zodiac lion. Would you talk about him in 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Those born under it have to be very careful when Mars is under Uranus because you can get...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.
KW: What's that? What's he challenged about?
CF: Iā'm sorry, there were two unders.
KW: What's he challenged about?
NP: Because you said when you're born under that sign, you have to be careful about Uranus under something. Two unders.
KW: Where's the unders?
NP: You used the word under twice.
CF: No he didn't, no.
KW: Oh did I?
CF: Let him have his say.
NP: Yes but Clement has been very generous and retracted his challenge.
KW: Oh how gallant! What a charming chap! Isn't he lovely!
NP: Yes!
KW: Marvellous fellow!
NP: So you continue with the subject and there are 54 seconds left on Leo the zodiac lion starting now.
KW: I've got most of my information from my old friend Maudie Fittleworth, Fun-With-A-Frankfurter. Now a lot of people maintain, and rightly so, that this whole astrology business is a load of rubbish. I would absolutely concur with this. After all what person in their right mind really believes that by not walking under a ladder...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Deviation, Maudie Fittlefurter believes it!
KW: Maud who?
NP: She's not in her right mind obviously!
DN: Oh I see, she's not in her right mind.
NP: And if she's having fun with a frankfurter, how can she be in her right mind? No let's continue with you Kenneth on Leo the zodiac lion, having gained a point for a wrong challenge and there are 27 seconds left starting now.
KW: There are those who maintain that the sign...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of those.
NP: Yes, more than once. Clement, Leo the zodiac lion starting now.
CF: Rupert the red-nosed reindeer is a very close relative of Leo the zodiac lion...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DN: Deviation, I firmly deny that! How can a reindeer be a relation of a lion! What rubbish! He knows it's rubbish! But just because he was at school with you and he was your prefect, he thinks he can perennially boss you about, that's why!
NP: No I think you're the one that...
DN: How can a lion be a relative of a reindeer Nick?
NP: I quite agree!
DN: Oh all right.
NP: I haven't opened my mouth if you only give me a chance!
CF: I didn't mean a blood relative.
KW: It's no good you trying to get out of it.
NP: If I could be allowed to speak, I will make a decision and I...
KW: Of course! You're a lovely chairman! You're quite right, lad! Go on!
NP: Yes! I agree with your challenge Derek, you don't have to try and force an issue.
KW: No!
NP: There are 16 seconds for you on Leo the zodiac lion starting now.
DN: Peter Bull the famous actor once... over a...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Hesitation.
NP: Yes Peter.
DN: Absolutely right, gosh yes.
NP: You have 13 seconds for Leo the zodiac lion starting now.
PJ: If you buy a good book on horoscopes and search very carefully from one page... right to the end...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Hesitation.
NP: Yes I'm afraid so, six seconds Derek on the subject starting now.
DN: Thoughtful, kind, divinely beautiful, those are some of the things that you might expect from someone who was born under this sign...
WHISTLE
NP: Derek Nimmo once again was speaking as the whistle went and he has increased his lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject, my favourite author. Can you talk about him for Just A Minute starting now.
CF: It's no easy matter to come out just like that and say my favourite author. Because it could have been Reg Harris on cycling, or Shakespeare, Shelley, Keats, Wordsworth, Longfellow, Hallsworth. In fact it's no.
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Hesitation, nothing.
NP: Yes nothing, he couldn't remember who his favourite author was. Ah there are 44 seconds left for my favourite author with you Derek starting now.
DN: I think probably I would come down in favour of Lawrence Durrell, the writer of the Alexandrian Quartet, books like Clea, Balthazar, and most important I think of the four, Mount Olive, which puts all in reverse and frames the whole crossword for you. Gosh I've read so many other things that he has written to like Bitter Lemons which I find to be a most inspiring book because I served in Cyprus for His Majesty The King from 1950 to 51...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, his serving with the Forces for Her Majesty or His Majesty or whoever it is is nothing to do with favourite authors.
NP: Well done Kenneth, you have 18 seconds...
DN: Bitter Lemons is about Cyprus at that time actually if I may say.
NP: I know but he had a very good point and we haven't heard from him for a bit. So he has 18 seconds...
KW: I don't know that I want it under those circumstances! You're being very...
NP: I think your challenge...
KW: You're being very patronising you know! I'm not just a load of rubbish! I'm not going to be treated like that! I come along here, I mean, I'm here, I'm here...
NP: Kenneth I think you have an excellent challenge. I'm being patronising to him if anybody. There are 18 seconds for you on my favourite author starting now.
KW: Well it's completely thrown me! But I will go on as best I can...
BUZZ
NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Deviation.
NP: Why?
CF: He hasn't talked about his favourite author.
NP: No but he's just about to. He said it's thrown him but he will go on as best he can. And he's now coming to his favourite author, he has 13 seconds on the subject starting now.
KW: He wrote the sentence, the violet hush of the evening was descending as Violet Hush drove me along Sunset Boulevard...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of Violet.
KW: Well you're just a fool because you missed a very good line you see, you just ruined it! It's SJ Perelman, that is, you great nit!
NP: So Kenneth give us the rest of the line...
KW: No, not now!
NP: All right.
CF: I apologise...
NP: Six seconds for you Clement on my favourite author starting now.
CF: Henry William James, a man born in manhattan at the turn of the century...
WHISTLE
NP: Derek your turn to begin, the subject, Betty Martin. Can you talk for Just A Minute on that starting now.
DN: Betty Martin, all my eye and Betty Martin. That's the interesting thing, that when one tries to find the derivation of it, one has to go back to nautical times in the 18th century when sailors of this great...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: When one tries to find the derivation, one has to go back, one sailor, I mean it's an awful lot of ones isn't it.
NP: Yes.
KW: I'm afraid darling. Very sorry darling.
NP: Fourteen seconds, 46 seconds on Betty Martin with you Kenneth starting now.
KW: She is of course inseparable from the optic orb. We all know this expression. It is a delightful one and signifies that what we are hearing or what is being related or narrated...
BUZZ
KW: Wait a minute, what's happened here?
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DN: Got his or in, too many times. Repetition of or.
NP: You got him on his ones, he's got you on your ors. There are 32 seconds with you Derek on Betty Martin starting now.
DN: The arty martini...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Ah deviation, hesitation.
NP: Hesitation is correct Kenneth and you have 30 seconds to continue with Betty Martin starting now.
KW: There was a Betty Martin I had the good fortune to act with in a pantomime at school once. It was based on the Mill Rosen Ring, was very amusing really because she wore this terrible wig and it was full of what I imagined to be diamonds, but turned out to be bits of old tinsel. I attempted in the third act to disarrange this headgear by shoving into her face a feather duster which was on the end of a long stick. I had used it...
WHISTLE
NP: Well Kenneth Williams got a lot of points in that round including one for speaking when the whistle went, he has moved forward into a strong second place only two behind Derek Nimmo, isn't it exciting! What will happen now as we continue this contest with Peter Jones on the subject of air ships for Just A Minute if you can Peter starting now.
PJ: Well I think it's high time that they were reappraised and possibly brought back into service. A marvellous way of getting from one place to another. Lighter than air, very quiet and comfortable they were. Now that the er...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged first.
DN: Hesitation.
NP: Yes Derek, yes, air ships is now with you and there are 42 seconds left starting now.
DN: I always remember my grandmother telling me about an air ship attack on Stanton which was near Ilkeston in Derbyshire. Apparently the great zeppelins came over and dropped a bomb and as I sat on her knee she sang to me cuckoo, cherry tree...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, I'm sorry...
DN: I can't have challenged, I'm talking!
KW: I liked all that cuckoo cherry tree, I thought it was nice.
NP: Clement what was your challenge.
CF: Repetition but perhaps cuckoo was in fact one word.
DN: Generally.
CF: Cuckoo.
NP: Cuckoo is one.
DN: Generally is one word.
NP: Cuckoo is one word. C-U-C-K-double O.
PJ: Well done!
DN: Jolly good! He can spell!
NP: Well you've got to help Clement Freud if he doesn't know how to spell cuckoo. Twenty-four seconds on air ships Derek starting now.
DN: One of the lesser known air ships was the 172 with an R in front of it. Because why don't you know about it? Now I ask you, standing in the audience, sitting wherever you might be, I tell you because it flew over Istanbul in March in 1942. And nobody noticed it because there was a total eclipse of the sun at that moment...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: I know several people in that area who noticed it. I had letters from them!
NP: I wouldn't go on, I can believe that if it did fly over Istanbul a lot of people would notice it.
PJ: Quite.
NP: Um but I don't know whether or not you knew them Peter. But I will give you a point and four seconds on air ship starting now.
PJ: The gas is now available and it's not inflammable so why don't they fill...
WHISTLE
NP: Well at the end of that round Derek Nimmo increased his lead. Kenneth Williams is still in second place, Peter Jones third, and Clement Freud for once in fourth place. Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, Edward Lear. Would you talk about him or on him for 60 seconds if you can starting now.
KW: Well he wrote these limericks I believe, things like how pleasant to know Mister Lear, who some people think ill tempered and queer. And things like that, I can't remember the whole bit, but it was that sort of stuff. It always had some funny connotation, very nice I suppose, if you like that sort of nonsensical verse. I don't know a lot about him, I think he's 19th century, I'd hazard that, probably Tory, and old gent, you know. Went around doddering, writing this old rubbish down on bits of paper. And I suppose posterity has warned him by binding all these pages together in things like there was a...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Repetition of things like.
NP: Yes I'm afraid so, 14 seconds for you Derek on Edward Lear starting now.
DN: There was an artist called Lear
Who wrote verses to make children cheer,
They never made sense
Because they were dense
But the Queen thought Lear was a dear.
Was a nice rhyme that was written about him. He went to see...
WHISTLE
NP: Derek Nimmo was again speaking when the whistle went, increased his lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud we're back with you and the subject, I'll see you again. Sixty seconds on that if you can Clement starting now.
CF: The great thing about working on the radio is that you do always see people again. Look into the transistor or whatever other apparatus that you have, search carefully with your left eye and then your right and then I'll see you again when skies are blue again, in the middle of the night. There are a number of songs that have words like that in some predictable order, sung in B flat major or perhaps other notes which I don't know about because music is not a subject on which I am ever prepared to speak with authority let alone joy, amusement...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Well I don't think he ought to speak about it if he feels like that, do you?
NP: I don't know Peter, what's your challenge?
PJ: Ah deviation.
NP: Why?
PJ: Because you can't see people on the radio.
NP: Yes it was right near the beginning of his dissertation.
PJ: I know, and I sort of gave him a chance...
NP: Yes all right Peter, you made your point.
PJ: Oh yes thank you very much.
NP: And we give you the subject and there are 23 seconds left on I'll see you again starting now.
PJ: Was sung, I believe by Noel Coward and or that marvellous companion of his who lightened Broadway for so many generations. She was of course Gertie Lawrence, the immortal musical comedy performer of all time. When she passed on to the ah...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Hesitation before the nevers.
NP: Yes, two seconds Derek on I'll see you again starting now.
DN: Evelyn Lay, Boo to her friends, is always...
WHISTLE
NP: I'm afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute alas. But let me tell you what happened. Clement Freud only just finished in fourth place. He was one point behind Peter Jones. Kenneth Williams was in a very strong second place. But he didn't quite beat this week's winner, once again Derek Nimmo! We hope you've enjoyed listening to Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!
THEME MUSIC
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter, and produced by David Hatch.