for me those feelings of anxiety, of needing to be with this person were the signs that told me i was in love. at first i thought of the attraction as purely infatuation, but i eventually came to the conclusion that that was not just possible. this girl had made me love her. the idea that someone could be so in love with u is just mind boggling, it really is. i couldn't resist her any longer, and we finally got together.
my life took an entirely different meaning at that point. any other relationship that i had ceased to have real meaning. all i want was the constant presence of this girl that i loved. i couldn't seem to go without her. every second of her absence wrenched my heart i came to this realization...but...i only hoped she felt the same. she acted as if she did... but who can ever be sure ?
life was good...but it didn't last. being young, and just getting going with our lives, we were faced with some decisions. we ended up breaking up because we didn't think we'd have the time to spend with each other. actually, what i think happened is this: she didn't think i was happy with her anymore. she was frustrated, and the idea of being very busy, and not being able to see each other very much was just too much for her to handle. even my explanations couldn't sway her in her mindset. she had made up her mind and i was quite literally a lost soul.
she told me she loved me that day. she cried for an hour in my arms. i just held her there never wanting to let go. what could i do? was i right to let her go so easily? she said that she had to know me as a friend still. she couldn't bear to give up on me entirely. we haven't stayed friends though. we haven't talked, and i can't help but wonder if she feels the same as i do. no matter what anyone tells u, u just can't get over someone.
my mind has been in somewhat of a daze for the last six months. i love this girl with the entirety of my essence. i can't stop thinking about her. maybe i don't want to stop thinking about her. maybe i miss everything physical i ever shared with her. maybe i miss her terrific smile, or the way she was able to make me laugh, as no one else could. in point and fact, i literally miss everything about this girl. i don't sleep well at night and my dreams are tormented. it is a sweet tormentation while it lasts...but the mornings are a little hard to swallow.
i want more than anything to be with her. i would sell my soul for a dollar at a time for just one taste of her. i keep on thinking that maybe she'll comeback to me. i can't go on like this. i have to tell her at some point in time just how i feel.
what kind of world do we live in where we don't have time to experience lifes' greatest joys? why do we even bother? to love and lose love is something that a person never really gets over. there is always a presence of the love somewhere, lingering, never yeilding.
what has the world come to indeed? i would gladly go back to a time where the simple things in life were easy to enjoy. i know i'm not alone but i would like to think i am. it would soothe my heart. if i was alone in my experience, i would have this girl back by now. she would understand that things like this don't just happen. i can only hope to live for love once again. i hope that i would one day regain what i have lost in this experience. i know now that i would never loose love again. i have experienced that which is so great in life.
Mon and Len had something in common, they both love music much. Mon plays the drums and Len has a very good voice. they started out calling each other on the phone because of band affairs and then they got too close. i attended Lens' 18th birthday celebration with Mon never knowing they have something goin' on, neither did Mer. a few days after Lens birthday Mon told me everything and it broke every part of me. what was so difficult was that i had to go to school and see them together. Mer was hurt too coz Mon was his friend and he courted Len for two years. both hurt, Mer and i started to lean on each other and that was when we started to see a lot of each other, and six months later we found out we can't go on without each other.
Len and Mons relationship got off and on for several times, i know coz sometimes Mon calls me on the phone when they quarrel. all my friends told me i should shut Mon out of my life and that i was being too kind, after all that Mon did. but i was happy i didn't shut him out coz i learned to accept he's just a friend. i learned to let go of his memories one by one, not feeling any pain. that he belongs to my past.
and my future is with the man i love now who loves me back and takes me for what i am. pushes me up when i'm down and brings me happiness and fulfillment. we'll be celebrating our 5th year anniversary next month and i'll be forever thankful God sent me this angel.
i love you Mer!!!
-ela-
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