my dad grew up never knowing what having parents means. before he was born, my grandfather was killed, and after he was born my grandma went away too. he lived from one home to another 'til he can't take it no more, then he started living on his own. he had to work to feed himself at the age when most kids can't even stay away from their parents for long. he grew up doing all sorts of things...things other people can't do even if they lived forever.
i used to think what i said above was the reason my dad did what he did. i still do now. when i was just a little kid i used to wake up in the middle of the night and hear my parents fighting. then suddenly my mom would run out of the room and my dad would follow her and beat her up. i still remember the times when i covered my mom, with my little body, from my dads' hands but then my mom would push me away and got hit and hit and hit again and again. i don't know but seeing my mom cry made me cry too. i really don't understand if kids know when other people are hurt. or is crying coz they see other people crying, just a human instinct ?
when my dad gets angry, it seems like he can't see a thing. so he decides to just whip, and pound and hit with anything his hands can get . usually his hands goes to his belt first and he would just whip not caring where i get hit. no reason can get through him if he started to get mad. and when he cools down and stops beating me, i would be black and blue with whip marks all over. in the head, back, legs, arms and face.
there was a time when my dads expensive antique got broken by my brother and sister (i'm the eldest of three.) . we were all asked by my dad and they won't admit they did it. so each one of us had to get spanked til someone admits who did it. my brother and sister looked so small, and i can't bear looking at them being hit. they were 6 and 3 year olds and i was 9. after seeing them got hit both twice and see them crying in pain, i didn't know what came to me that i just told my dad i broke it. and as expected i got black and blue again.
i grew up that way, if i did something wrong i get beaten up. there were even times i can't go to school coz i got marks on my face and arms. sometimes my head will get so numb i can't even see things straight or my legs would be so numb and shaky from the pain i can't even stand up. it was the same with my brother but not with my younger sister coz she's got a disability, shes deaf.
i remember the time when i took a university entrace test and got home late coz me and my friends (who took the exam too) can't get a ride home due to the rain. i arrived home past 12 midnight (the exam started at 4 and ended at 7, but because there were lots of students who took the test, we were able to go out of the exam room about 8 pm.) we ate dinner together and went to the bus station (it takes an hour of bus ride to get to our house when the weathers fine) but due to the rain buses were scarce. we had to wait for 2 hours to be able to get a ride home, and the trip took longer than it normally takes.
when i arrived home my dad told me to go to my room and he followed me there, asked me where i went and i told him i took the test then he slapped me. he told me not to fool him, that even though he didn't had the chance to attend school he knows that there are no test or exams that lasts til midnight. i tried to explain everything to him but theres nothing that can get through him....... and i was black and blue once more.
it was so difficult having to live my life. i wanted to run away but i just kept reminding myself that there are people who live a more difficult life than i do. that somehow, God knows what's happening to me and He knows i can take it, that this is my way to the happiness i've always longed for. and i was right.
a time came when my dad got hooked on gold-mining stuff. he was always out up in the mountains or far provinces where they thought gold can be mined. he won't come home for months and when he does he just stays for a few days and leaves again. after months of being in places where there were no electricity or means of contacting any one my dad came home a new man.
he wouldn't scold nor hit anyone of us. if he gets angry, he goes out to cool down and comes back home with a smile on his face. i know how difficult it was for him to control that raging temper of his that he had all his life, but he managed to do so. once he got so angry his hand went up to slap my mom but then he didn't hit her instead he went out .
what changed ? we asked our dad, and he said, that when he was up in the mountains, where there was nothing but darkness at night, he came to think of what he had done in the past and realized his mistakes. he was away from us for so long and that he felt he just can't loose us. that he wouldn't wanna have to regret things when it's already too late. and that he thanked God, coz He showed him what was important.
that happened when i was 16. and that was the end of another sad chapter of my life. and for that i thank Thee.
old guestbook
