"Oh," says Paddy, "What's this here logic?"
"Well," says the Prof., "logic is when things or events follow each
other. To give you a demonstration, I've noticed that you
have very rough hands. This tells me that you are a manual labourer".
"Dat's roight," says Paddy, "Oi works digging trenches"
"And to carry this one point further, being a manual worker, you would
have a big garden shed," says the Prof.
"Dat's roight," says Paddy, "Oi has a big garden shed".
"Well there you are," says the Prof. "Logic . . . one thing follows
another in a logical sequence. And to take it one further, if you
have a big garden shed, then you would have a big garden".
"Yes, Oi have half an acre at home; vegies for all the family", says
Paddy.
"See . . . logical progression . . . one thing follows another. And,
to take it one step further, if you have a big garden, you would
have a big family", says the Prof.
"Ah, yes, dere is nine in the family," says Paddy.
"There, logical progression," says the Prof. "And, to take it even
one step further, if you have a big family, you would be having
sex regularly".
"Certainly," Paddy emphasises. "Six nights a week and twice on Sunday".
"Ah, and if you were having sex that regularly, you would not have
to masturbate," says the Prof.
"Oh, never, never, not for many, many years," says Paddy.
"Well," says the Prof., "there you are, logical progression . . .
one thing follows another".
With that the Prof. bids farewell to Paddy and leaves the pub.
Patrick, sitting at the bar, then sidles up to Paddy and asks, "Who
was that, Paddy?"
"Oh", says Paddy, "That was a very educated gentleman. He's a Professor
of Logic at Dublin University".
"Logic?," says Patrick, "What's logic?"
"I'll tell you all about it," says Paddy. "Tell me, Patrick, have
you got a big garden shed?"
"Why no," says Patrick.
"Well," says Paddy, "I always thought you were a wanker!!"
Back To Top
Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your
IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead
your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find
out how they are, and "AYT" them
to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt
contest. (And you just blew
YOUR chances!! -- BB)
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your
children as "client
applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the T-shirt for the joke of the week, you blurt out,
"I feel so "colon-right
parenthesis!""
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's here!".
Back To Top
Two condoms walk past a gay bar, one turns to the other and says:
"Hey, lets go in and get shit-faced!!"
Back To Top
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears
a knock at the door. When he
opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard
and yelling: "You sign! You
sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man
starts to yell louder. "You
sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke.
Now go away." -- and
shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,
the little Chinese man is back,
with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under
Nelson's nose, yelling: "You sign!
You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves
the little Chinese man back,
shouting: "Look, you've got the wrong bloke I don't want them!", then
slams the door in his face
again.
The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears
a knock on the door again.
Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the same clipboard
under his nose, shouting
"You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of car
windscreens. Nelson loses his
temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and
yells at him: "Look, I don't want
these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you
want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard,
and says: "You not Nissan
Maindealer?"
Back To Top
An English guy in on holiday in France and strikes it lucky in the
local discotheque, pulling a
gorgeous girl. The evening goes better than he could have imagined,
and he ends up being invited to
hers for 'coffee'. All night they have wild sex, and finally fall
asleep.
The next moring he's woken up by the fair maiden, who says to him,
'Oh mon cherie, I am so 'ungry,
please go to the shop and buy us some fresh croissants'.
'But of course,' he replies. 'How many would you like?'.
'I want it to remind me of our night together,' she says. Buy as many
croissants as the times we made
love,' she says, 'and buy whatever will remind you of yesterday'.
Off he goes, down to the local boulangerie, and once inside proudly
says, 'Bonjour, monsieur, can I
have eight croissants s'il vous plait'.
The baker is half way through the order when the guy thinks for a
second and adds, 'Sorry, could
you make that six croissants and two pain aux chocolats'...
Back To Top
Q: Why did Maria Schriver marry Arnold Schwartzenegger?
A: They're trying to breed a bullet-proof Kennedy.
Q: How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a
gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!"
Q: How can you tell if a Valentine is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.
Q: What's small, green, and falls apart?
A: A leperchaun.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What do your wife giving you a blowjob and a bus have in common?
A: They both stop just before you get off!
Back To Top
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus over-turned on the highway.
The local newspaper
reported that the onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished,
bewildered, and
dumbfounded."
How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones.
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
Well-hung.
What's another term for lesbian?
"Vagitarian."
What happened to the Polish rocket ship?
At 500 feet it ran out of coal.
Back To Top
Q. When was sex first mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Jesus went up to Mount Olive!
Q. How do you castrate a priest?
A. Hit the altar boy in the back of the head!
Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer
takes off and goes wild. The
heifer runs into a fence and gets her head stuck.
The two cowboys get over to the fence and one says to the other, "This
is too good to pass up" as
he gets off his horse, unzipping his pants. He starts fucking the
shit out of this heifer for at least ten
minutes.
When he finally finshed, he looked up to his partner and asked him
if he wanted some of it. His
partner replied, "Hell, yes, that looks pretty good!"
So he climbed down off his horse, dropped his pants and stuck his
head in the fence.
Back To Top
A woman is quite disappointed that her love live has really gone down
hill, that her husband doesn't
pay any attention to her because of the massive crush he has on Brigitte
Bardot.
She goes to the a tattoo shop one day, thinking if she had the letters
"BB" tattooed on her breasts,
maybe her husband would notice and pay attention to her. Upon telling
the tattooist her desires he
explains that, due to the aging process and gravity, the tattoo on
her breasts might not be attractive
several years later and suggests she have the initials put on her
butt. She thinks it over and agrees,
then leans over the table while the tattooist puts a "B" on each cheek.
When her husband arrives at home from work she greets him, turns around,
bends over and lifts her
dress to expose the art work.
"What do you think?" she asks.
"Uh, who the fuck is BoB?" he replies.
Back To Top
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a
tree trunk had made a sudden move
that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer
barked. "Don't you know that by
jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the
lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say
so, I did stand still when a flock of
pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when
a large dog peed on my
lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard
the bigger say, "Let's eat
one now and save the other until winter' --- that did it!!"
Back To Top
CASTAWAY
He grabbed me round my slender neck,
I could not shout or scream,
He carried me into his room
Where we could not be seen;
He tore away my flimsy wrap
And gazed upon my form-
I was so cold and still and damp,
While he was wet and warm.
His feverish mouth he pressed to mine-
I let him have his way-
He drained me of my very self,
I could not say him nay.
He made me what I am. Alas!
That's why you find me here...
A broken vessel - broken glass -
That once held Bottled Beer.
Back To Top
Q. How can you tell if you are a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
You stay up all night wondering if there is a dog.
Back To Top
The american tourist got the shock of his life, when a Mexican with
a six- shooter jumped out from
behind a cactus.
"Take my money, my car but don't kill me", said the tourist.
"I no kill you if you do what I say," said the Mexican. "Just unzip
your pants and start masturbating,"
he ordered.
Although shocked the tourist did what he was told.
"Right, now do it again" said the Mexican.
The Yank protested, but with the gun against his nose, he managed
again.
"And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead."
With sweat running down his brow, the Yank managed a final effort
and fell exhausted.
"Good," said the Mexican, "now you give my sister a ride to the next
village."
Back To Top
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas.
At the hotel bar, they're dazzled
by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The
first dwarf is disappointed,
however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would
enable him to join with his date.
His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears cries of "ONE, TWO,
THREE...HUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first whispers back: "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't
get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the bed!"
Back To Top
