By Clayre Lickman

Lecari@ntlworld.com

Copyright 2000

Disclaimer: Xena: Warrior Princess and the names, titles, and the characters in this story are the sole property of Renaissance Pictures and MCA/Universal. No copyright infringement through the writing of this work is intended. The characters, Xena, Gabrielle, Ephiny, Joxer, and Callisto, are all property of Renaissance Pictures and MCA/Universal, however, their portrayal in this piece of fan fiction is all my creation. The original script for the episode The Bitter Suite belongs to the writers of Xena: Warrior Princess, and the original song words to Joseph LoDuca and the other song writers featured in the episode. Any likeness between any character and any person, living or dead, is purely coincidence.

This story may not be sold and may be archived only with direct permission of the author. Any archive must carry this entire copyright statement.

Violence: There is no real violence in this story, but typical actors tantrums are.

Sex: Apart from the fact that Callisto kisses Xena, then nope. Can't think of any right now.

Author's note: As you've probably worked out from reading the lawyer's script above, this is my spoof of The Bitter Suite. It started out as just a few scenes messed up, but gradually grew to the whole episode. I found it hilarious, but that could be just me and my sense of humor. And, keeping up with traditional episode form, this is all written script style.

Please feel free to comment on why you did or didn't like the story, as well as what you thought of the front cover. Suggestions are also welcome, as long as they don't leave bruises.

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Amazon Camp, Outside

Ephiny: Three days, now. She's been undergoing the purification ritual for three days.

Joxer: That's crazy! Look, we have to get her out! She could be dying in there!

Ephiny: She was dying out here from not being able to show her joy. You didn't see her at the death of her child -- the bliss she was in -- the happiness. When she and Xena parted, she came to us, hoping she could, well, party.

Joxer: If we leave her in there, she'll never come out again.

Ephiny: I know. Do you think we should join her? It must get kinda lonely dancing all by yourself.

Joxer: Sure. I was hoping you'd ask.

Director: [coughs loudly]

Ephiny: But... uhh... first... hadn't you better... do... that thing you do first?

Joxer: What? Fall over for no reason whatsoever other than to add some "comic relief"?

Ephiny: Uhh... yeah. Do that.

Joxer: Well, okay. [falls over]

[Canned laughter]

Joxer: That do?

Ephiny: Nah, do it again.

Joxer: [continually falls over]

[Endless canned laughter, but gets stuck after the fifteenth time and repeats the same bit over and over again]

Ephiny: [blinks[ Uhh... I don't think that was supposed to happen.

Joxer: [shrugs] It's okay. It's the millennium bug.

Ephiny: Uhh... yeah. Can somebody check the date on that thing?!

[Nobody moves]

Ephiny: Oh, that's right. We're not supposed to notice that we're surrounded by machinery until... uhh... well... ages yet.

Joxer: I never did work out why, you know. Why bother waiting when it's right here now?

Ephiny: [shrugs] Because that would open a lot of awkward questions. Like how on earth people who haven't even worked out how to build humane houses have cable TV and canned laughter.

Joxer: That's true. Very true. [falls over again]

[a tumbleweed blows past]

Ephiny: So... uhh... has it stopped filming yet?

Joxer: Yeah, my knees hurt from all this falling over.

Ephiny: Guess not. [runs up to camera which shakes around and gets some dodgy shots before it's switched off]

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[Xena sings.]

Ares: Nice vocals! But you sure can't dance to it. Look, I feel your happiness, OK - but how much longer before you start doing something about it?

Xena: My son is dead, thank god! What can I do about that except party?

Ares: Just goes to prove what I've been telling you all along... no good deed goes unpunished. But that's not why I'm here... why not go and party with her?

Xena: Gabrielle?

Ares: This whole... high you've been on lately... it's not you. You're full of anger towards me... blaming me for everything... having a sarcastic sense of humour. Accept it, Xena. Embrace it. You know what to do - who to dance with.

Xena: You're right. I've been so blind!

Ares: Can I come?

Xena: I don't see why not. The more the merrier.

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[Hand caresses, then slaps, Gabrielle's face.]

Gabrielle: You're not real. You're in my mind.

Callisto: What difference does it make? You came here for the truth - and the truth is that Xena made us both. She shaped our lives, changed our fates - killed our families.

Gabrielle: No - I killed hers. Solan died because of my daughter.

Callisto: Because of Xena, you had a daughter. Her hatred for Caesar took you to Britannia.

Gabrielle: Yes- b-

Callisto: Straight to Dahak, where she deserted you. Isn't that right? Isn't that right?

Gabrielle: Yes.

Callisto: And you hate her for it, don't you? For betraying you? For failing you? You hate her, don't you? Don't you? Don't you?!

Gabrielle: Not really.

Callisto: Oh. [looks disappointed] I just made a complete fool of myself, didn't I?

Gabrielle: 'Fraid so.

Callisto: Uhh... if anyone asks, you didn't see me. Right?

Gabrielle: Uhh... right. But you've been framed! [turns into Lisa Riley, brandishing the tape, and giggles gleefully]

Callisto: [blinks] Well that was unexpected. And totally unscripted. I... think... I might just... go now... [backs away and disappears hurriedly]

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[Xena ropes Gabrielle, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Lisa Riley wearing a fluorescent yellow towel.]

Joxer: Xena - what are you doing?!

Xena: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm going off to Millennium.

Joxer: Oh, ok then. Take her.

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[Xena rides off, dragging Gabrielle behind her. Stops at cliff top.]

Gabrielle: Xena! Why'd you do that?!

Xena: Sorry. I had to make it look good, didn't I?

Gabrielle: I doesn't matter. I don't like riding, anyway.

Xena: Wanna try bungee jumping?

Gabrielle: OK!

[Xena and Gabrielle jump off cliff together, start falling]

Gabrielle: Aren't you supposed to have some sort of... rope?

Xena: I knew there was something I forgot... Sorry. [blinks as she watches Gabrielle, resembling a fluorescent colored blob, zoom past]

Gabrielle: [sinks to the bottom of the lake after causing a tidalwave]

Xena: [lands on Gabrielle and looks down] Aww, Gabrielle, you got my feet wet!

Gabrielle: Blrb blrbr blrb!

Xena: Don't take that tone with me! [stamps on Gabrielle's head]

Gabrielle: Blrb! Blr blrb!

Xena: These are designer boots! I can't have you wasting thousands of dinars just because you think it's funny, Gabrielle. Sidekicks are supposed to be cheap!

Gabrielle: Blrba! Blrb blrb blb blrl blrb blb blbelb? [begins to sink lower]

Xena: Stop talking so much! The bubbles are lifting up my skirt! [realizes] Hey! We're sinking! Abandon ship, abandon ship! [jumps off Gabrielle and into water] Times like this when I wish I'd listened to Lyceus and his "swimming could save you're life one day" trash, huh?

Gabrielle: Blrba... blrb blb blu...

Xena: You know, you sound like Mr Blobby when you talk like that.

Gabrielle: Blb, blb blbs blu blb blrb blbablb?

Xena: Uhh... I think it's one of those things that you don't ask about...

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Xena: Gabrielle... Is she here? The one who betrayed me - is she in this land?

Callisto: I'm merely your guide, dear,

Along for a gin.

You'll get no free ride here.

If you want to know more - then spin.

Xena: [spins wheel] Wheel... of... Fortune!!

Callisto: You could win a new sidekick, 10,000 dinars, or a brand new car!!

Xena: [looks at Callisto with raised eyebrow]

Callisto: Oops. Sorry. Got a bit carried away there.

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[Ares spins round on his chair to face Xena.]

Xena: Ares... I thought as much. Only you could get the whole of the Xena Fan Club to greet me and sing a song about me.

Ares: I thought you'd remember my special club greeting.

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Lila: If your child had lived, we'd surely make her welcome too.

Gabrielle: Really? I thought Demon Spawn daughters were banned in Potedia.

Lila: She's a demon spawn?! I never knew that. Well, maybe we wouldn't have, then. [stares at Gabrielle, who still resembles Lisa Riley, wearing a fluorescent green top and a fluorescent red skirt]

Gabrielle: What? [panicking] What?! Oh, it's the skirt, isn't it? It makes my bum look bike, doesn't it? Oh, I knew I should have gone for fluorescent pink instead...

Lila: Uhh... have you been eating a lot of nutbread lately? It looks like you've put on a little weight lately...

Gabrielle: That's discrimination, that is! It's just a few pounds! Nothing to make a song and dance about. [glares at dancers who have got bored and have begun making a song and dance about how much they're honored to have Lisa Riley in their village even though she hasn't been invented yet] Let's just get on with it, shall we?!

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Ares: Pulverising foes requires strategy,

There's no mortal born who meets your skill,

Xena, join my vision - don't deny your destiny.

Xena: If that's all you wanted to ask me, why didn't you just ask me when I got here? I don't need all this to convince me.

Ares: Really?! I knew there had to be something I was doing wrong, you know.

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Lila: Xena was no friend, she worked to twist your mind,

Though you tried to change her deadly ways,

Take this scythe - it's just a case of killing to be kind.

Gabrielle: Really?

Lila: Of course. Go on, try it. It's fun.

Gabrielle: [slices Lila's head off] Ooooh, she was right! This is fun! [begins to slaughter the whole village]

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[Xena and Gabrielle's sword and scythe clash, then Xena knocks scythe out of her hand, pushing Gabrielle to the floor.]

Gabrielle: Xena!

[Xena stabs Gabrielle with her sword and smiles.]

Xena: Lila really was right. Killing is so much fun! And to think Ares is begging me to do it for him!

Gabrielle: Yeah, but it's not as fun when you're the one being killed, you know.

Xena: I would have thought you'd have got used to it by now, after all, you've died enough times. Anyway, I need a new sidekick. I won a stupid car that hasn't even been invented yet!

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[New, ordinary Gabrielle opens door.]

Xena: So maybe I won a sidekick after all.

Gabrielle: You killed me... I thought you'd try, but I never thought...

Xena: Well I did - and you should consider yourself lucky to be killed by Xena!

Gabrielle: Yeah, I guess you're right. It could be worse. I could have been killed by someone like... Joxer!

Xena: Exactly.

[stage disappears, along with the villager's dead bodies, Xena's 'army', Ares, Callisto, and Joxer. Wheel of Fortune appears in front of them.]

Gabrielle: What is that? [points to the Wheel]

Xena: That's my Wheel of Fortune, Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: Really? I always wanted to be on that show.

Xena: Yeah, me too. This time I won a new sidekick. You had better be better than the old Gabrielle, she thought too much. Remember, you're meant to be an accessory.

Gabrielle: An accessory?! An accessory?! I knew there had to be a reason why I hated you...

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Xena: Everything about this Illusia place has been bright and cheery - the music, the colours. But this place is dark. It's meant to scare us.

Gabrielle: [Sarcastic] Well I'm scared.

Xena: I know, they didn't do a very good job of it, did they? Maybe they want us to do a 'Changing Rooms' on it since they haven't got around to decorating it yet.

Gabrielle: What if you're wrong?

Xena: You got any better ideas?!

Gabrielle: You're asking me? Well, that's a first. You know, ever since we've met, you've always made the decisions.

Xena: Because you always take so long to reach one! [echoes] Always weighing the pros and cons! [echoes 25 more times]

Gabrielle: What's causing that?

Xena: We are. Or I should say you are.

Gabrielle: There you go again! [echoes] You're always blaming me for everything! [blame echoes 8 more times] Xena, why is it never your fault?! [echoes]

Xena: Don't you remember our contract? I'm the male figure in this relationship. I'm never wrong. You're the woman, and you're always wrong.

Gabrielle: Oh yeah, sorry about that.

Xena: For a minute there, you sounded so much like my old sidekick. [sidekick echoes] She always thought like that. [that echoes] Guess that's what you get when you go onto a cheesy daytime TV show - a sidekick that still thinks like the old one.

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Xena: Tell me how you feel [echoes]! Right now! Nothing about the past - right now [echoes]!

Gabrielle: I hurt inside! [echoes stop] Don't you?

Xena: Not really. What's wrong?

Gabrielle: You keep making fun of me.

Xena: Sorry. Can you forgive me?

Gabrielle: Yes.

Xena: Gee, that was easy.

Gabrielle: I was just thinking that too.

Xena: Wasn't there supposed to be a huge song in here? Check your script.

Gabrielle: I dunno. I haven't seen the script.

Xena: Oh yeah. That was the old Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: She got a script?!

Xena: Yes. Didn't you?

Gabrielle: No.

Xena: Oh. [tumbleweed blows past] Oh, I remember now, free accessories don't get them.

Gabrielle: [glares at Xena]

Xena: Sorry. But you were from daytime television. What did you expect?!

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[Dahak theme tune begins, flame arms grab Gabrielle and begin to pull her towards the Wheel]

Gabrielle: It's Dahak! No!

Xena: Gabrielle? What's wrong?

Gabrielle: Sorry. I just don't like that song! It's spooky.

Xena: So you don't want me to help you?

Gabrielle: Not really. Where'd you get that idea?

Xena: I just thought that was what I was meant to say. I was always having to save the old Gabrielle. She didn't exactly want a demon spawn daughter, you see.

Gabrielle: Oh, okay. Fair enough.

[Gabrielle is pulled through the centre of the Wheel]

Xena: [waves] Bye! Maybe this time we can be good parents to our demon spawn. [calls after her] This time I get to name it, right?

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[Xena is bound to the cross and Gabrielle is chained to the altar of Dahak. A double of Xena and Lisa Riley appear.]

Gabrielle: Hey, look, Xena! Another lookalike!

Xena: Nah, she doesn't look like me.

Gabrielle: I see what you mean. Hey, look - it's Lisa Riley! I always wanted to meet her!

Xena: Another celebrity?! Geez, you ask for a new sidekick, and you don't get one, and then you can't stop getting them!

Gabrielle: So we can't keep her?

Xena: No, Gabrielle. Sorry. There's just way too many celebrities in this show already. There's me, then there's this me, then there's the princess me, then the tramp me, okay, maybe not that me, then there's the priestess me, and there's just... me.

Gabrielle: Ohhhh. Pleeeeease?!

[Hearts are Hurting music begins]

Xena: I can feel another song coming on... do you think we can avoid like we did the last time?

Gabrielle: I dunno, Xena... do you think we should be avoiding all these songs? I mean, this is meant to be a musical, after all.

Xena: Well, you've gotta point there... [thoughtful pause] Nah, let's avoid it.

Gabrielle: Fine by me. I hope you understand, but I don't want any bad ratings. I mean, it's hard enough being an accessory, but...

Xena: [Clears throat.]

Gabrielle: Oh, sorry. I was acting like Gabrielle again, wasn't I?

Xena: Yep. Don't let me catch you doing it again.

[Evil Xena and Lisa Riley images are destroyed, and the real Xena and Gabrielle are released from their bonds]

Gabrielle: Ohhhhh!!! Why did we have to disappear? I wanted Lisa Riley's autograph!

Xena: They weren't very good, though, were they? They really need to work on the eyes.

Gabrielle: Yeah, but they're only imagination. They can't be perfect.

Xena: Yes they can. My imagination is perfect.

Gabrielle: Really?

Xena: Yes. That's why it was of the old Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: Really? I could have sworn it was of me. You never said that I looked just like Lisa Riley.

Xena: I didn't, did I? Well, Gabrielle had a really bad dress sense. When we got here, she was wearing this old fluorescent rag. I soon got rid of that thing, though.

Gabrielle: How?

Xena: Oh... I... er... dragged her through fire... glass... rocks... just the usual thing.

Gabrielle: No wonder we're supposed to hate each other.

Xena: What?

Gabrielle: Your dress sense isn't exactly perfect either.

Xena: Hey, at least my outfit wasn't made from grass.

Gabrielle: Oh, and mine was?

Xena: Yes.

Gabrielle: Oh.

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Xena: Solan - it's really him. Solan.

Gabrielle: What's a Solan?

Xena: Solan's the annoying little brat that brought us here.

Gabrielle: Ohhhh. I thought he was related to one of us?

Xena: Yes. He's your son.

Gabrielle: I have a son? Who's his father?

Xena: Oh... er... Hercules.

Gabrielle: Really? He does look like Hercules, now I come to think about it.

Xena: Yeah. He's got that characteristic long hair.

Gabrielle: I can't have brought him up very well, can I? Look at what he's wearing!

Xena: You didn't. That's the point. Centaurs did.

Gabrielle: No wonder. Centaurs don't have to wear clothes, do they?

Xena: Nope. They have no dress sense.

Gabrielle: [dashes through the waterfall] Come on Xena! We're almost out!

Xena: I can't.

Gabrielle: Of course you can.

Xena: I can?

Gabrielle: Yes.

Xena: Oh. Great! [walks through waterfall] Ha! There's nothing you can do about it, Hatred! [Hatred tries to get through waterfall]

Hatred: Hey! You can't do that! You've got one more song left!

Xena: You're Ming T'ien, right? I've got one message for you.

Hatred: [morphs into Ming T'ien] What's that?

Xena: You're a little brat.

Ming T'ien: Aren't you supposed to tell me your secret?

Xena: What, that I killed you? [pauses] Huh, well that's out.

Gabrielle: I think I'm supposed to be angry to you about something, Xena. I just can't think what it is...

Xena: Me either.

[both begin to walk away]

Hatred: Hey! Come back! You've got to sing the last song yet!

Xena: [turns round] What is it?

Hatred: I don't know... something about forgiveness... I don't know! I'm not the director! Why does everyone ask me?! [begins to hyperventilate] Ask... somebody... else... for a... change!! [film crew rush in, fanning him]

Gabrielle: I can't help feeling sorry for him, you know.

Xena: Me either. We might as well sing him to sleep, huh?

Gabrielle: Okay. Maybe he'll go away then.

ROCK A BYE HATRED

[to the tune of rock-a-bye baby]

Rock a bye Hatred,

On the tree top,

When the wind blows,

You'll go away...

[Hatred falls asleep, snoring loudly]

Xena: Well, he didn't blow up, but sleeping'll do, won't it?

Gabrielle: It'll do for me.

[Xena and Gabrielle walk away]

Gabrielle: Hey, I just realized something. We managed to skip those other evil twins!

Xena: I know. Cool, huh?

Solan: Mother? [rushes up to Xena and hugs her]

Xena: Solan? What are you doing? I'm not your mommy.

Solan: You're not?

Xena: No. That's Gabrielle now.

Solan: Oh-kay. Who's my father?

Xena: Hercules.

Solan: Really? Cool! I always wanted a famous daddy! [Hugs Gabrielle instead] I always preferred you. At least you didn't kill my imaginary mother and father.

Gabrielle: [looks at Xena] There's something you're not telling me, Xena. I'll just have to wait till the next rift to find out, huh?

Xena: [shrugs] We're not allowed to have another rift. Sorry.

Gabrielle: Oh well. I guess I'll just have to ask all your old school pals for the answer.

Xena: I never went to school.

Gabrielle: You... didn't? [looks disappointed]

Xena: Nope. I was too busy conquering the world to bother with reading and writing.

Gabrielle: Ohhhh. I wanted to find out all your secrets from school.

Xena: Tough. And stop whining. I gave you my son, what else do you want?!

Gabrielle: Solan?! He's not my son after all?! He's your son?! And you never told me?! I knew there was something you weren't telling me! [pauses, and sighs contentedly] I'm so glad that this fashion-less brat isn't mine.

Gabrielle: No. [pauses] Wait a minute - I thought you said his father was Hercules?! So son?! And you never told me?! I knew there was something you weren't telling me! [pauses, and sighs contentedly] I'm so glad that this fashion-less brat isn't mine.

Xena: [looks puzzled] You're not mad?

Gabrielle: No. [pauses] Wait a minute - I thought you said his father was Hercules?! So you...?!

Xena: Well, no... Actually, his father was Borais, another long haired, fashion-less brat. He was turned into toast by this other guy while I gave birth to Solan.

Gabrielle: Oh. But he was raised by Centaurs?

Xena: Thank god.

Gabrielle: I know. He's a bit... clingy, isn't he? [looks down at Solan, still hugging her, unaware of the conversation between her and Xena]

Xena: Yep. You can have him. He's more like you, anyway.

Gabrielle: You think so?

Xena: Of course. You're both blondes... Have no fashion sense... Have long hair... Staffs... both are the 'non-violent' type...

Gabrielle: No I'm not. In fact, I think killing is a great sport. I'm just surprised I didn't discover it earlier.

Xena: You will be. Just check the fourth season scripts, in the India plot line. [Continues] And you're both suckers. You believe anything I tell you!

Gabrielle: [frowns] Are you sure we can't have another rift?

Xena: Yes. [pauses] Well... no. As long as we give the viewers a good enough reason for us to hate each other and the plot lines are believable with an exciting climax.

Gabrielle: Good. Because I think that sentence is very offensive. I want another rift! [pushes Solan away] And as for you, Mr. Wussy Pants, get a hair cut and some decent clothes on! I won't be your mother until you do!

Solan: But Mother...

Xena: You heard what she said. No mothering until you get your act together.

Solan: [shoulders droop, and walks away dejectedly]

Gabrielle: I'm glad he's gone.

Xena: Me too. You know, Gabrielle liked him.

Gabrielle: I'm so glad I don't look like her.

Xena: Me too. You look completely different. [pauses] Well, actually, you look exactly the same, if you forget the Lisa Riley part. But let's not get into that. It's what's on the inside that counts.

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Gabrielle: We're home.

Xena: At last.

Gabrielle: Wait a minute... there's one thing that's not settled in the whole of this rift saga. How come you know stuff that I don't know yet?!

Xena: Like I said, you're an accessory and don't get the free script.

Gabrielle: Oh. [pauses while she thinks] Hey!

Xena: [Sucks chakram] Mmmm.

Gabrielle: I wish you wouldn't do that. It's really gross.

Xena: No it's not. It's a sherbet sweet. Want some?

Gabrielle: Ok. [takes chakram and sucks on it] It's a bit bitter, isn't it?

Xena: What can I say except - It's The Bitter Sweet.

Gabrielle: [glares at Xena]

Xena: Hey, I had to fit in that pun somewhere. It could have been worse. It could have been something else I sucked on. Like Joxer's helmet. Or Herc's loin cloth. Did you know he's been wearing that thing for six years now and hasn't washed it once?!

Gabrielle: Really?! How do you know?

Xena: 'Cos when I dated him he never asked me to do the washing. And everybody knows that the girlfriends job. [thinks] Of course, I started dating him on Tuesday... and then dumped him on Sunday...

Gabrielle: Uhuh. Or maybe it's because you missed washing day?!

Xena: Or maybe, it was because I missed dating him on washing day!

Gabrielle: Do you always do that?

Xena: What?

Gabrielle: Copy my ideas when you know I'm right.

Xena: Maybe I just copy Gabrielle's ideas when I know she's right.

Gabrielle: [mutters] No wonder they had a rift...

Xena: Oh, by the way, Gabrielle, you have to clean all of my armour. I want it spotless, got it?! Monday's is my day off. Have to go down to the pub, get a glass of port, meet some warrior men, then go down to the bazaar to spend all their dinars, then I've gotta do some gambling with the King of Cons.

Gabrielle: When's my day off?

Xena: Like I said, you're my accessory.

Gabrielle: No days off?! It's just as well I'm being well paid.

Xena: Who says you get paid? You're a sidekick, an accessory. I feed you, and you should be glad of it. [pauses] By the way, I'm changing your name to Cinderella. I'm allowed to change your name without warning, too, by the way. It says so in our contract, so if you've got a problem, see my lawyer. He's a sumo wrestler. Be careful. He has a very quick but strong temper. And that muscle isn't synthetic. It's pure Nut-Bread and Sherbet Chakrams...