Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation.
"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the
welcoming briefing."You can commence on a four week trial period.
You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they wouldn't.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very pleased with you. However, one of our secretaries has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads negatively.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no-one
noticed anything, but ooooooh no, you had to go and eat the secretary!"
If you take an Oriental man and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me .... they're cramming for their final exams.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does babyoil come from?
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back
of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass
by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating
grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor
man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!"
he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!"
The second man answered.
“Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no
easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking
all of us with you."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand,
the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home. She read,..... "and so the pig went up
to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir,
may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class: " And what do you think the man
said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly:
"I think the man would have said: "Well, f@#k me! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A little turtle begins to slowly climb a tree.
After long hours of great effort, he reaches
the top, jumps into the air waving his front
legs frantically, until he crashes heavily into
the ground. After recovering consciousness he
starts to climb the tree again, jumps once more,
but again crashes to the ground.
The little turtle does this again and again,
while all the time his heroic efforts are being
watched with sadness by a couple of birds perched
on a nearby branch.
Finally, the female bird says to the male bird,
"Dear, don't you think it's time to tell Tommy
he is adopted?"
Two men went into a diner and sat down at the
counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches
out of their packs and started to eat them.
The owner saw what was going on and approached
the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in
here," he complained.
The two men stopped, looked at each other,
and then swapped their sandwiches.
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking
along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat
runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby.
"Now do you see why it's important to learn a
foreign language?"
