Updates to the goodly dragon homepage and my life/ Blog.

3/11/09 Wednesday; Belated Hindsight, a white (low flying) duck, and Verizon 11,848

(This blog was written many months ago, but as I am getting ready to transform myself again, it’s time to post)

I think I can see now how close a copy of the mold that made my father made me, and same with my mother. I share my mother’s prudish nature towards sex, my father’s formidable sex drive and his tendency to have few friends outside of family.

I finally understand why my parents choose the paths they did, and accept that everyone did the best they could. I think that’s one trait that is common throughout humanity; everyone does the best they can. Granted, you or I may see a better way for these things to be done, and hindsight truly is 20/20. Everyone has breaking points, and trial and sometimes error shows us where these points are. It all probably comes down to how well one handles stress and fear of the unknown. The better you are at those two skills, the less dysfunctional you are likely to be. Because, let’s face it, dysfunctionality is the norm.

I’ve always thought I had a fairly good sense of where people’s, including my own, limits lie. At one point I was told I didn’t trust easily, and thinking that a bad thing, started trusting more, thus ignoring my own feel of people’s limits. What a mistake. Trust should be earned, and I need to reincorporate that into my interactions.

On a different note, went on a trip to Tulsa in July, place where I was born, with my mother. Got to see my first and second cousins (once removed), Gayle and Laura Tapp, The graves of my Great Grandmother and Grandfather and my Great Great Grandmother. I’ve always had a closer tie to my mother’s side of extended family. Logically that would be because I didn’t really meet my father until I was 18 and I grew up knowing my mother’s side. But I found it fascinating that I was with several people, alive and dead, that I shared presumably probably exact copies of mitochondrial dna with.

In the past summer events I give myself a 100% accuracy for seeing what was going on, but a 30% rate for conveying what I felt. More like I felt a 30% chance that the bloke would have the spirit enough to get past his personal trial. And when you look at that in pattern that’s as high as zero to the tenth power, a whole lotta nothing at all. Doh!

In recent times I’ve withdrawn into myself, breaking off what few social connections I had. The emotional sheer of what I was dealing with was too much for me. But now, I need to branch out and find some new fun. Hopefully I can get a dnd group together or happen upon a girlfriend or both.

Television, I thought was become a new friend to me again, however so many commercials and poor resolution keeps me on the internet. I have enjoyed the significantly more present online viewing. Heroes, Battlestar Galactica, and the new Terminator series are all available for legal download, as well as some classics like the old Battlestar Galactica and The A-Team. Goto Hulu.com and see what they got. They also have some feature films.

My sister got into law school, so mas mucho kudos to her.

Anyone know what it’s called when someone can think in both hemispheres independently? Two separate voices in the head, but not Dissociative Identity Disorder (split personality).

Four computer cores, 4 GB of ram, finally enough power. Waited all my life to have this level of computer. Next step is better broadband and 3D monitors. They’ll be around in about a decade I predict, now that they can make LED’s nearly microscopic.

I was going to upgrade my internet service to 20 Mb down/5 Mb up from 1.5 Mb down / .768 up… pathetic… Verizon is pathetic compared to the average Japanese service provider… but we tolerate this, and yet I never met my father’s father cause, guess what, they killed him! You know, that silly war where they sucker punched us in Hawaii. But my gripe isn’t so much with the Japanese as it is with Verizon. Their advertisements make them out to be a phone company, but if you try calling them, they make it clear in their phone tree that they really don’t want to take any calls. The ecstatic computer asks for all of your information, and which department you want to speak to, (which assumes you only have one question or issue) after which they then ask you all of the same questions and as soon as you ask something they don’t know, they transfer you, from overseas (read: English speaking Indians) back to America which answers that question but leads you to another question which causes a transfer which degrades the quality so you get hung up on cause they can’t hear you. Phone company??? Can you hear me now? (The sound of one hand clapping?)

Some fought themselves, some fought each other, most just followed one another, lost and aimless like their brothers, for their hearts were so unclear, and the truth could not appear, their spirits were divided, into blinded, hemispheres.

7/3//08 Thursday; Luna on the Moon 11,043

I love it when a woman tells me I’m right; it’s so often the other way around.

I had a most magical vacation just a few days (now weeks) back. Due to blessed timing I was there when my niece Luna Marie was born, on a full moon no less. My youngest sibling has the first born, go figure. A testimony of times and finances. I probably won’t see her again for years. Yet another testimonial of the times, time and finances.

It was so weird to hear my 19 year old brother being called Dad. Here I am, 32, divorced with no prospects on the horizon. At one point all I wanted was the relationship, to the point of self destruction. Then I developed a quest to occupy my will. Would’ve given it up in a heartbeat, but alas, it is over as well, and again I am free to move about on this chessboard of the dawn.

So best of luck to Hannah and Pat as well.

Kelly and Brandon had an equally magical vacation I imagine. No ‘k’… yet. [Turns out there was some ‘k’ after all]

I haven’t blogged much recently since all of my self refection was done in IM or silently to myself, but I’m probably back in the groove again. In general, everything is good. I’m happy with my job, my spiritual progress, and am coming to accept the unchangeable and ready to change the unacceptable.

Imperfections and incompatibilities are so often noticed after the fact, after the breakup. Everyone seems so perfect in the initial falling in love stage. But at least I know how to accept people for who they are.

In my last two relationships I thought I had again found the one. They told me as much, and I believed it. I certainly wasn’t right for them, being a sometime angry drunk and full time curmudgeon. But that’s now past, and I’m turning again. Nothing is true and everything is permissible, and so it is with relationships, the most chaotic inventions nature ever gave us.

Despite some bitterness, anger, and desire I still harbor, I wish all of my exes the best of luck with everything.

Coincidences of who knows who have been a bit more pronounced than usual. At this rate, sometime next year I will be finding myself hanging with Kevin Bacon. Show him what a diner is, as they don’t really have them in too many other places.

Toilet paper for tissues… you know most people don’t wash their hands when going for seconds while on the toilet… so that’s pretty damn gross if you ask me.

Our government’s strategy of not pumping our own oil to keep that as a military reserve is now biting us on the ass as we import more oil than we export in some goods nowadays, which has weakened the dollar to now make it economical to seek alternative fuel sources. Also, now that the automobile manufacturers are getting hit with the fuel crunch, they are weary of the kickbacks the oil companies gave them or however their arrangement worked. Stocks perhaps.

In any case, I don’t think we’ll see Joe Cells in common use, or any other etheric means of energy generation. Hopefully we will drill here now.

I have always been hesitant to make changes to things that cannot be undone. Tattoos or ending friendships are great examples. Besides, I’ve always thought them generally unattractive, but have seen my way around them on women. But I digress from my point about permanent changes: initiations. It has been suggested to me that I seek to learn Reiki. But once initiated, it can’t be undone? Are there drawbacks?

I’ve also considered attempting the crossing of the abyss as spoken about in various hermetic teachings… anyone have any advise on this? How about kundalini work?

If you have been wondering about my profile picture on MySpace and on IM, it’s from Aleister Crowley’s Thoth Deck. I pick a card that I’m either trying to emulate or have been thrust into being.

Some people want love, some people want to be closer to fine, some want happiness, some want all of the finer things in life. I want to be closer to blank. To be a leaf on the wind, uncaring, desireless. I need to be over my depression, though. And truth be told, once I am the leaf, I will be at one with the wind and control my destiny once again.

You can blame the newsman talking at you on the satellite T.V. And if you're fighting for your shipyards, you might as well just blame the sea. Hey, Mr. Weatherman come on over. Hook me up to the power lines of your love. Jump start, or tow me away. Jump start, or tow me away.

12/27/07 Wednesday; Lakota Nation 10,458

Lakota Indians Withdraw Treaties Signed With U.S. 150 Years Ago… see my recent MySpace bulletin or follow these links: (thanks to Prairie for posting, and thanks to illuminati for reposting)

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,317548,00.html

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/496203/lakota_indians_declare_sovereign_nation.html

http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5iVC1KMTOgwiSoMQyT2LwZc9HyAgA

http://www.lakotafreedom.com/

I know I for one feel secretly guilty over what my ancestors did to the natives of this land. In a nutshell, we stole it from them. Maybe it’s more of a personal guilt, as my descendents can be traced back to the Mayflower. It may be a similar deal to what guilt is felt by some towards the African-Americans. Is that in particular, ancient history or is there still an account to be settled?

But it is still a living history for the natives who have managed to hold onto their culture.

So what is the next step for the Lakota’s? No doubt, the United States federal government will not happily or willingly force its citizens or corporations to give up the land they “own”. There is no reason or right for the government to deny the Lakota’s complete independence and sovereignty.

As I understand, legally speaking they were never assimilated into our country. We have treaties with their nation which they have now withdrawn from. This does not give me the sense that it is an attempt to get press or attention. It does give me a further sense that my country only honors treaties and the law of the land when it is convenient for the elected politicians to do so.

Now this leaves the Lakota’s with few problems to solve amongst which include building infrastructure such as schools and fire departments, and attracting business if they wish to trade in the international community. Other aboriginal nations have tried solving that with setting up casinos and engaging in the tobacco trade. There is plenty to be made from the tourist industry, and by not taxing, or offering lower taxes to corporations there is plenty to be made in other industries. Lack of legal regulation may also attract industry, for example the United States is hesitant with regards to stem cell research.

National defense is probably something they will not need to worry about presently being surrounded on all sides by the United States. They will clearly need a police force to deal with possible terrorism and unsavory individuals looking to escape prosecution, not to mention the need to keep the peace amongst their own citizens.

I wish them the best of luck in their pursuit of freedom, a word which truly has its roots in English. With their open invitation for citizens to immigrate I find that very tempting at this stage in my life. But I would worry as to whether I could make ends meet presently. It would be nice to just live off of the land, but do they have enough land to live off of?

More than a lifetime to say, “How are you?” More than an ocean to cross becalmed. Less than a second to sink in silence. Yours truly, I remain disarmed.

12/14/07 Friday; For You, Jeffery and Me 10,384

Emotional healing from a loss can be done intentionally and proactively. It first requires a conscious choice to let go. After that it’s just a question of every time a painful thought comes to mind of actively dismissing it and refusing to dwell on it. Eventually the significance of the person being thought of loses value in the subconscious mind and it will no longer be necessary to contemplate what that person is doing or who they are doing it with. One can then move on. One does not need to dismiss happy thoughts and memories with regards to that person and often times would be ill advised to do so. This healing process can be applied to any type of loss including death of a loved one, loss of a romantic relationship, loss of a loved pet, or even an emotionally significant heirloom.

The conscious choice to let go is often the most difficult. Accepting a death for example, requires one to face their own mortality which is an idea the ego is opposed to. As for a romantic relationship, deciding to let go may mean acceptance of failure which is a blow to anyone’s self esteem. Letting go of a romantic relationship may also mean acceptance of an impossible situation. It can be a real challenge to recognize an impossible situation. Often times the signs are right there in front of us but our attachments make it difficult for us to see them. We may be attached to a dream, an ideal, a fantasy, or the way things used to be. With such attachments, getting a good perspective can be a very painful process.

When it comes to emotions and people, impossibility is almost never black-and-white; it is much more a process of probability. An easy example of a virtually no possibility situation is that of an ex-husband who has been remarried and clearly wishes no contact with the ex-wife. The ex-wife has obviously a very low probability of making things work with her ex-husband. Possibility is reliant on both people. Without communication there is usually no possibility.

Trust is the foundation of all relationships, and communication is its supporting pillar. Trust is usually given for free to others, but only to a limited extent. Past that point trust must be earned. Once trust is broken, the person who feels that trust has been broken will almost always require the person who broke the trust to mend things. Sometimes trust is broken by an once-in-a-lifetime situation, and when that happens trust is usually re-forged and strengthened once the situation has passed. However, most of the time trust is broken by a combination of attitude and behavior. At that point a change in attitude or behavior will usually be required, and as most people are resistant to change, this will usually result in the end of the relationship.

Communication can be a very difficult art and science. It can be impossible to express your own emotions and desires if you do not understand them yourself. It can be impossible to hear the other person if you are unwilling to put yourself in their shoes without stepping out of your own. Anger is often the worst place to start communicating from. Failing to express anger is likewise often a bad idea, however anger can be expressed without passion and with a desire to cause change by way of dialogue. Sarcasm and threats do as much to help communication as economic sanctions to helping overthrow dictatorships.

Changing yourself to be with another is always a bad idea IF you do not recognize that change as something you want, need, or should do for yourself independently of your relationship. Otherwise you will be suppressing your own nature without actually changing. Changing yourself necessitates being ready to make the change. Some changes can be superficial, but as insignificant as they may seem a quantity of superficial changes can add up to be a significance.

One’s outside reflects ones inside and vice versa, just as your home environment reflects your mental state. The word adaptation includes both changing of one’s self and/or of one’s environment. But you can’t, or at least shouldn’t try to change others.

No one else is responsible for your unhappiness or your happiness. Though others may cause you to be unhappy ultimately you are in the driver’s seat. It is wise to learn to accept the things you can’t change, change the things you cannot accept, and when those are in conflict to find a happy medium. A measure or a definition of happiness is the amount of change you would have. If you are perfectly happy with a car, you would not change a thing about it. The same can be said of a relationship. Or one’s life. One of the ultimate tricks to being happy with life is to not dwell on the unhappiness, but to become happy with your acceptance of what you are going to do to change that which you do not like about your life. A great quote to dwell on: “be happy in this moment, for it is your life.”

I recently have had to go through this healing process and know many others who are also dealing with a lot of emotional pain. I hope this can be put to use. I wish everyone the merriest of holidays and offer my time to listen to whatever it is you need to say.

(For any new readers, I always end with some self expressive song lyric and the number at the top is the number of page hits for my webpage)

And we'll laugh and we'll sing get someone to bring our friends here for tea in the evening -- Old Jeffrey makes three. Take a walk in the park, does the wind in the dark sound like music to you? Well I'm thinking it does to me.

11/23/07 Friday, Buy Nothing Day aka Black Friday 10,295

Wow, what a cathartic Thanksgiving I had! I experienced absolute rage, hatred, and sadness. Very strong depression, sense of peace and happiness. All in one day. I never want to go through that again.

One thing that I’ve never really liked about the d&d system of gaining experience is it’s typically only gotten through victory. In real life, one learns more from personal failures than successes; hopefully learns what are mistakes and how not to repeat them. I’ve learned a lot from my failures of late.

Coincidences of events and divinations done with Kelly brought me to realize the path of Sant Mat is absolutely not for me. It’s not going to give me what I want out of a religion. I wanted out of the cycle of reincarnation, the awagawan. That path would give me that, but it does not do so in the way I imagined. It is a soul stealing racket. They worship the god of Abraham either. Nor do I believe that the god of Abraham is benevolent.

Apart from a way out, I would like to achieve enlightenment, annihilation of the ego or maybe just knowledge and conversation with my holy guardian angel.

So again I am wondering who or what is the source of all.

I’ve formed a nice connection with a few of the what’s now generically termed pagan gods. Namely Odin first and foremost. I’ve considered Asatru as path to follow but I find I am much more drawn to Chaos Magick in general. It’s ceremonial without the dogma of the abrahamic religion but with some shamanism. Any non-corporeal being that wants something other than love, friendship and mutual energy exchange is likely malevolent.

I am going to remain a vegetarian for a few reasons. For one, I can feel a spiritual difference in foods containing animal flesh, especially red meat. I still believe in karma and that may earn me some karma that I’d like to avoid. Thirdly, the way factory farms work are abhorrent. I may add free-range eggs to my diet, and occasionally make an exception for everything else. I never could adequately argue why eggs shouldn’t be in my diet past, it’s against my religion, for all of the metaphysics and philosophy I have studied. Unfertilized eggs aren’t animate so they aren’t animals, they clearly aren’t mined so they aren’t minerals which leads me to conclude that they must be vegetables.

But that may change, for I am on a break of that vegetarian thing for now. At least I’m managing to remain alcohol free for the most part so far. If I didn't need a drink after this week, I don't need to drink. It’s amazing how weak the will can be when one does not actively monitor desires and temptations.

At least I have Pecan Pie back in my life.

Religion is like a cathedral we build in our minds. Most of the time those cathedrals are made of the fragile rock of ego, the mortar of fear, and the timbers of hope. After a while, we have everything in its place, and things that challenge or conflict with our beliefs are tossed in the closet marked either god’s mysteries or mysteries of the universe. Rare is it that such a challenge is direct and poignant enough to make one rethink the design of one’s cathedral.

It is said that any sufficiently advanced technology would seem like magic to those who have not developed it yet. Such mysteries belong in that closet. But there are also mysteries that have room in other people’s cathedrals. Those mysteries are worth close examination.

True faith only comes from experience, but what if the source of that experience was from yourself and not from an outside divine force? Self delusion.

Blind faith is a recurring theme in the design of many mental cathedrals as is faith in ancient texts not written in the modern vernacular and often not directly quoted from the original sources.

Now I really need to redo my webpage, it’s completely out of date and doesn’t really represent me at all. I’m not exactly what sure what does, either. I’m kinda having trouble telling which end is up at this point in time. My life has lead me to trail blaze a new path for a while.

A trait I’ve recognized about myself is that I don’t tend to give up if my heart is in something, not until the very end or if I know for fact that I cannot win. That has been both a strength and weakness.

I cut my thumb on the slicer at work a while ago. It was interesting learning how to try to use lighters with my left hand or other, softer parts of my thumb. I eventual gave up and went to candle lighters and matches.

If I called you an asshole, am I only responsible for my words or do I bare a responsibility for how you react when I say something hateful like that?

Take my life and sing it back to me, my big mouth it’s my own worst enemy. Funny how it all sounds better in harmony. Laughter in a time of War. Oh, my soul. We got oil for the pan, we got rock and roll. Laughter lines run deeper than skin, and the world’s just something the cat brought in.

10/15/07 Monday 10,105

I was planning on posting a retraction for some of what I said in my last blog, but rereading it, it’s mostly all true. I’m in my midlife crisis, and if I had the money I’d have bought the sports car. I’m not giving up on anything without much more self reflection and balancing.

The short version: I was working on rooting out tons of emotional baggage. My ex-girlfriend has been instrumental in the discovery of emotional baggage, and helping me dealing with it. Kelly has already proven to have had one the largest, most positive, impacts on my personality. But I messed up with her, and now it’s likely over for good, and I don’t think I could ever apologize enough. We are both greatly hurt. I pray the damage isn’t too broad and deep that we cannot recover. Hope isn’t dead, but it’s in critical condition. We both have a lot to work to do to salvage this.

I also know there is still some outside magick about that was working against us. I may not be found on IM for some time.

Why I loved her: she has the awesomest eyes, a voice that melts my heart, a heart the size of Rhode Island, more maturity than most anyone I’ve ever met, is totally Shmoft, we often have too much to talk about, taught me more about spirituality in six months than Mike did in ten years (Kelly is a Roman Pagan/Strega specifically), has a very generous and graceful spirit, showed me what it felt like for the first time to be truly loved by a peer, and has been absolutely one of the best things that has ever happened to me. She was the soulmate that was foreseen to come after Stef and after the woman with dual hemisphere thinking.

It has been brought to my attention that I may have given some of you a bad impression of her. Don’t take my side because you know me and not her. Get to know her, she’s really a good person. I wasn’t painting the full picture of how much she means to me, how great my love is. I focused on the negative too much here and likely too in life.

It was eggshell dancing time and I had two left feet. I tripped and fell, bringing others down with me. I need to be more mindful and watch what I’m doing.

Life is not handing me lemons but using a baseball pitching machine to deliver them, and I don’t have a bat or racket but what’s in my head. So if you find me unconscious but smelling fresh, you know what happened!

I’ve spoken of how much pain I’m in, but yet no one has directly me asked me why or what the cause is (that I can remember anyway). Truth be told, while life’s bumps were more fierce than I’ve seen before, the source of pain has been mysterious and suppressed memories in my subconscious that have been summoned to the surface. Those memories along with life’s bumps imbalanced me. I must say thank you to all that have tried to help.

I am quitting drinking permanently for many reasons. For one, I now understand that I cannot do it safely. It was a major contributing factor to me being such an ass towards my girlfriend. Second, it inhibits astral projection which is one of the reasons it’s against my religion. Thirdly, I could use the money for better purposes. I already through out what I had left. I bet my drinking was the number one cause of my problems.

I’m amazed at how easy it has become for me to stab people in the back. I never used to be like this. I once had honor, morals, even some integrity. Now I have drama. I don’t have issues, I have subscriptions. I have neglected to do my own mental maintenance. I have become more self centered than I ever imagined myself being. The end of the relationship was a hell of a wakeup call. Lord was I ever bogged down in my own mind and life; I couldn’t see the forest from the trees! I gave her an ultimatum and backed her into a corner, so she jumped ship.

Oh, but I did one worse. I made a terrible mistake. Her best friend, Ryan, had a truly beautiful and special surprise set up for her 30th Birthday: he was flying out to see her and I intentionally ruined the surprise! Hurt him, hurt her. I have been so passionately jealous of their relationship. I sincerely apologize to both for my inconsiderate and inappropriate actions.

Sometimes saying I love you is as meaningless as I’m sorry. Sometimes the fear of being hurt prevents love from regrowing again. Sometimes the pain of being hurt kills the love. Are matters of the heart perennial?

I’ve also had this ultimate ass kicking cold lately. The worst is over, I think, but I’ve still got ear infections and a cough. They are so bad I am dizzy and foggy headed. Sucks to be poor in America. It was another contributing factor to me being such an ass. I barely remember this past week as a result of the head cold.

THINGS I AM CONSIDERING:

I am now going to once again rejoin the path to enlightenment. I have realized that life doesn’t work the way I want it to, my mind doesn’t work the way I want it to, my magick doesn’t work the way I want it to. I have failed to complete my quest. I lost the girl. I can’t seem to do anything right, or have anything important to me go my way. I have been thoroughly crushed and defeated… and in my religion that’s a good thing. It means one can surrender to the master.

Since I believe the quest cannot be completed at this point, I shall give up on it. It was both time sensitive and required the addition of female energies, specifically with us being in love.

I am also again retiring from magick. It has not gotten me what I wanted, nor greatly helped others, so what is the point?

THINGS I AM ALSO CONSIDERING:

On the other hand paganism seems to have a lot to offer. I’ve seen more activity from the Roman gods than I have of the God of Abraham also sometimes known as the god who does not answer prayers. It seems to me that the God of Abraham has only two things in his portfolio: divination and ascension. Ascension is something I greatly desire. That much I know. Then when and the details behind it are writhe with pain right now. I want/need to go into it intentionally, not out of desperation.

While I shall be a vegetarian for the rest of my life, and alcohol free, I am also considering remaining celibate until I get married again, should I have the fortune.

The quest might be delayed again, but hell it’s something I’m passionate about so why not, so long as it harms none?

My magick hasn’t gotten me what I want as I haven’t exactly been doing it right.

By most philosophies, we do not own anything beyond our soul. Our honor could also be included. But what of our destiny? Do we own that?

I thank all who have given me some advice lately and would appreciate your inputs on the things I am considering as well as anything else you have in mind. Also, if you do like to comment, consider going back to the older blogs and see what comments may have been made…

I have a phone that doesn’t ring, A line that doesn’t sting. I have a dream where snowflakes fall inside a painted hall. But that don’t pay the rent!

10/08//07 Monday 10,079

I’d love to update ya’ll with all that has been happening, but there is a strong sense of lack of finality in most of those things, so until I can say fer sure what’s what, I’ll leave at the following: I have found a soulmate. A very good match, but there are so many rocks on the road. We have been on again/off again too many times. We could have a great future together, but getting past the present is seemingly insurmountable.

I had a particularly eventful summer. Went to Herseypark as you know, went canoeing once, wildwood three times. Read and saw the Harry Potter new stuffs. Saw Transformers.

Had an okay birthday. Coulda been better, coulda been worse. Got to keep my oath though. Had a cake, though it was made with applesauce rather than cornstarch. Had a pizza. Got to see the Old Blind Dogs that week.

One thing I thought everybody knew from elementary school: don’t touch the service animal. If someone has a pet, regardless of size, seeming disposition, breed or even species; don’t touch. Even a domestic dog can and will bite under the right circumstances. Further, if it is a working service animal, such can distract it from doing its job. Hands off.

And here we are in October and I am running the AC?! Global warming has gotta be a fact… sell that shore property now, cause it’s surly gonna be underwater. And of course, once sea level has risen enough, global cooling will take place I suspect. Can you imagine the east coast being a glacier again?

I was awebestruck recently by a confession someone made to me. He may have been able to get away without having never confessed, but without being prompted to do so, he came forward and told what he had done. It was like a nuclear bomb for me. My world was turned upside down, it was liking living in a dream. I couldn’t believe it. Some part of me still doesn’t. Nevertheless, the fact he confessed quickly led to forgiveness on my part, as I understand exactly where he was coming from.

The crime was actually against my girlfriend, which complicated things between us immeasurably. She was a sleep walking participant. I still don’t know what to make of it all, in all honesty. I get it from all sides, but I can’t stop feeling the pain. Logic, truth and understanding do not belay pain. I don’t know if mutual true love is enough to keep us together/bring us back together. I forgive all actions, though I still hurt from it.

The confession, the sharing, the compassion and remorse he felt for what he did yielded greatly to my forgiving. He’s amongst the most truthful of soul’s I’ve met, truly talented in that area. She was truly the victim, but yet my pain has all I been able to think about. I feel so utterly selfish.

In general, I’m in more pain than I can stand. I’m strapped in in the front seat of the rollercoaster of life, when all I want to do is lie down. So now I’ve made the move. Goodbye to anyone who demands my time without paying me. Goodbye to anyone what wants to cause drama. Goodbye to all liars and deceivers. Goodbye to those who don’t give a damn. I shall choose a hermetic life. I shall choose to avoid temptation. I shall not choose to be an instrument of destruction. I shall not choose to be a catalyst in other people’s life’s as their lives affect me also. There are no catalytic reactions with me. All souls who can actually talk to me outside of a business transaction, have touched me. I am now so burned I want none to touch me. I need love and a wide birth.

For now, I am done with my quest. I am done with magick. I am done with romance. I am done with humanity. I have been thoroughly crushed and defeated.

My darkest, vilest, evilest sides of me have been brought out way too often lately. I must accept responsibility for my actions, I apologize to all I’ve hurt. I can’t truly express how remorseful I am for my actions. I hate that I hurt anyone, is such dreadful ways. This is almost completely my doing.

“Success requires no explanation, failure has no alibi” is one of my dad’s best quotes. I don’t feel the need to say poor me, woe is me, and explain or make excuses for my actions. I am weak, I am sick, past that I offer nothing. In turn, I ask for nothing. We may be able to choose our future. It may all be fate. The past truly shapes the present, the present almost certainly shapes the future. Where does freewill come in?

Removed from my all about goodly webpage, kept here for archiving:

*Major turn-ons: astrological compatibility, sense of fashion, regular use of little or no make-up (including perfume), love of conversation, VPLs, hats, chokers or necklaces, mounds, freckles, long eyelashes, naturally curly hair, dimples, innies, full lips, multiple earrings, intelligence, confidence, compassion, productivity, proactiveness, generosity, sincerity, openness, patience, honesty, easy going-ness, strong morals, vegetarian, survival instinct, education, ability to use a computer well, spiritual awareness, draconity, telepaths, clairvoyance, desire to romance, sense of humor, positive attitude, desire to play out sexual fantasies, similar entertainment interests, role players, the ability to sing, similar fetishes, and a good smile.

*Major turn-offs: tattoos, exotic piercing(s) (eyebrow, tongue, navel, etc.), thongs, boxers, born again christians, evangelizing, atheists, any use of drugs or alcohol, big butts, large aureole, breasts bigger than DD, too much makeup, freaky laughs, high-pitched sneezes, overly feminine body language, attitude, negativity, sarcasm, anything that reminds me of country western music (cowgirls), promiscuity, anger, needing pets, large amounts of emotional baggage, gossip, bitching and its derivatives, shallowness, bad english, new souls, bisexuals (lesbians and males go without saying), women who don’t get me, women who talk about their past relationships, women who are taller and/or heavier than me, women who are older than me, women who can’t have or don’t want or already have children, and women who do not try to improve themselves. (my tarot informs me that 0 matches were found and that I should change my search parameters to include fewer words and to make sure they are spelled correctly.)

* Only with regards to women as love interests. Looks, appearance, personality, and spirituality are not requirements for my friendship. I list this here because it is a part of who I am… or was… or might be again. Just because it’s listed doesn’t mean much. I don’t expect perfection. Acceptance of who each other is, is paramount in any relationship.

Every little thing she does is magic, Everything she do just turns me on, Even though my life before was tragic, Now I know my love for her goes on.

9/12/07 Wednesday, Ode to Venus

Lovely Venus hear my prayer:

There are few cures to what I feel.

The first choice is death,

To be dead is to not feel.

The second is for me to have her pain,

I would have her hurt to make her better again.

The third is to give me back my heart

Return me to the place I was before all this began.

The best option is to have my love come back,

For all to be whole again.

My pain is so great, I hurt the one I loved.

I lost everything I ever wanted.

Her tears are flowing like a river,

Proof of the pain I caused.

If I could have one wish,

I would ask her pain be taken away.

If I could have two divine wishes granted,

It would be for my pain to be taken away as well.

If I could have the classic three wishes,

It would be for us to be together again.

All pain and hurting gone,

Only love remaining.

Goddess of the cultivated garden,

Goddess of love, beauty and fertility,

Goddess of the fountain,

Wife of Vulcan and mother of Cupid,

Matron of my love's daughter,

Hear my prayer, and look kindly upon us.

We are but mortal fools,

Imperfect and wanton.

My velvet gloves were all butterfingers.

My actions were all tarnished by insincerity.

Please elect to help us,

And give us whatever aid you see fit.

8/30/07 Thursday 9863

I have had some more amazing and life altering realizations and experiences recently. A result of one of these is I am no longer going to be a dragon rider. I ask, that if you know of the names of the two dragons I was associated with me, that you do not bring them up in conversation with me ever again, under any circumstances. I cannot overstress how important that statement is to me. Please do as I ask, and do not ask for explanation, as I will offer none. It is my choice, and a healthy one at that. (If and only if, you absolutely must discuss them with me, refer to them by initial or color, not ever by name)

I’m going to keep my screen name of The Goodly Dragon for now, simply because I’d have to change so many online links and inform so many contacts that it’s easier to have a screen name that no longer has a personal meaning that I readily and happily associate myself with. I am sure that in time I will find a new online nick that suits me. I intend to fix my website, but for now it’s going to stay the same.

Emotionally, I’m more complex than I have ever imagined, so I discovered. Unhealthily so. I want/need therapy. And that’s all I’m going to say on that.

I’ve backed off of MySpace a bit. I’m not reading every blanking bulletin that I’m sent, but I will still read blogs and try to comment every single one I’m subscribed too. If you’d like me to subscribe to yours I’d be more than happy too, though I won’t if there is imbedded music or if the colors make it too hard for me to read.

I wanna make a Jethro Tull parody: Bongs from the Hood (It’ll make you feel much better than you could know).

Whichever universal force, being, god or whatnot that must ultimately take responsibility for arranging the fate of which soulmates I may meet really has a demented sense of what I like and what is morally right. In my time I’ve turned down three soulmates. One, back in high school, because I was not ready/too afraid/didn’t recognize it for what it could have been. One two years ago, only because of my own shallowness/lack of sexual attraction. One very recently for reasons I won’t even state here. The one I choose, who wasn’t a soulmate in any sense of the word I’d use, rejected me for her own reasons. It’s enough for one to lose faith in the divine.

There are other reasons, namely some of the thrusts and parries of this war, that have also caused me to lose faith. While it may not be a sin to have a sense of knowing that you don’t know, wtf, over. At this rate I might become pagan…

You know, it’s business 101 to put your frelling store hours of operation on the front of your building. This becomes more important if you have a retail operation that has competition that is open 24 hours, and you keep all your lights on at night and have an overnight crew. Kelly and I went to Pathmark one night and found this to be the case. Doors locked, lights on, no hours of operation. I was highly tempted to vent my anger in an amusing way: I wanted to take all of the shopping carts and arrange them in a way so as to block off those front doors so they could not get out. I also wanted to steal their watermelons that were just sitting out there with the three dollar something price tag. I don’t even like watermelon.

Finished reading HP VII. Twas’ good, but I’m half tempted to write book 8 myself as a bit of fanfic. While the major plot of Harry and Voldemort is nicely wrapped up, there are other mysteries to explore, other conflicts that can be made, and the characters can live on still. Saw the last movie, but I was so tired and emotional at the time, I scarcely remember if it was any good. In all, it was a nice ending to great saga.

I was paid a huge compliment when a friend of mine asked if she could use my webpage layout, particularly the all about goodly page, ya’ know, the list of questions originally meant as the answers to all of the questions I might be asked when filling out a profile for a webpage like MySpace. I answered in the affirmative. I now ask if anyone has any questions they feel they’d like answered there to speak up.

http://www.oocities.org/goodlyshomepage/Goodly.htm

I think I’m becoming pro-seal clubbing. Until all you mensch figure out that our mass meat farms are far more brutal than that, I have no sympathy for cute seals being unsuspectingly bashed over the head until they are dead. Chickens raised without beaks, living in their own shit, cows without enough room to even turn around, being filleted and or boiled alive and so on. Watch Fast Food Nation for more information or go to http://mercyforanimals.org/. Animals are here to serve man, not be tortured by him, not to be slaughtered for food. They make great pets. Bring out the horses to plow the fields, use the cows for milk. Don’t eat them or their unfertilized offspring. We’ve now learned not to treat human servants as slaves, or at least we pay them. What will it take for us to realize that lower life forms aren’t much different at all. Even plants scream when injured. It’s either pro-seal clubbing or pro-cannibalism…

That last paragraph had two Jethro Tull references, one Porno for Pyros, and one Silly Wizard reference. Thought you’d like to know. <- Pink Floyd reference. But yet, all true.

It’s just the whole hypocrisy of it. My mother says this is an animal friendly house, and wants the wild animals to stop by often, including turkeys, but yet she’s willing to eat them.

They took out the Berlin circle, and put in traffic lights. One now has to drive two miles to make a U turn. To make some left turns, one has to wait two traffic cycles. It’s still theoretically under construction and the whole area is a 45 zone. They should’ve used emanate domain and made a clover leaf, but the businesses there are too valuable or had too much bribe money for that to be a reality. So numerous drivers suffer instead. All in the name of avoiding accidents at the once circle.

Be forewarned if you choose any products by Verizon. If, heaven forbid, you need to call them for anything, you will be stuck in phone tree hell. My current record is talking to eight people without getting the answer I was looking for. My average call has got to be 15mins for the littlest of things. Usually that involves me getting irate as the phone tree does not have the option I am calling about. Invariably, I choose billing to get to a homosapien to get assistance. Communication specialists who don’t want you to communicate to them. I’ve had similar experiences with AT&T.

My mother cousin and I went to Herseypark. I hadn’t been there since I was three or four and yet my mother was surprised at how much I remembered. I remembered somewhat the layout of the place, going there with David and Sandy Fogel, not being big enough to scoop up some of the candies on the one ride, I remember the log floom they still have there, and the spider ride which is no longer there. I am now filled with some new memories of the sweetest place on earth: a large ice cream cone that was surly a foot long, a meal unto itself. The quote “and we’re floating..” Seeing a disproportionate amount of red heads. Generally short lines. Cheap Parking. In all, it was an experience worth repeating.

I wonder what impact a national do-gooder award would have on society if it had daily awards, fully publicized, with a cash prize of one million dollars. Candidates have to prove that they have contributed to society in significant positive ways. Candidates cannot have a net worth more than the prize value, nor can they hold any elected office, nor can they have affiliation with the award committee. Any controversial contributions to society cannot be attributed as positive. Contributions likely to be award would include those who do volunteer work, give to charity, and those who successfully encourage others to do so. There would be a form on the web to be filled out by anyone giving the candidates name, and their list of contributions. Would you do more volunteer work and give more to charity if you thought you might be rewarded with seven figures?

I can learn to resist anything, but temptation. I can learn to co-exist with anything, but pain. I can learn to compromise anything, but my desires. I can learn to get along with all the things I can’t explain. I can learn to resist anything, but frustration. I can learn to persist with anything, but aiming low.

7/10/07 Tuesday 9616

This has been amongst the longest three months or so of my life. I gained and lost a student/ potential life mate; lost and gained a job; lost, regained, and lost again (in a different way) one of my best friends; lost and regained one of my closest lifelong friends; was illiusioned, deluded, and charmed 12 ways to Sunday; but yet I carry on and the old adage that god doesn’t give you more than you can handle has again been proven true.

A most painful experience has befallen me and a few of my closest friends. I am sure some of you know of what I speak and others are clueless. I do not feel as though it is my place to make the announcement here, but I do declare that I am here for my friends for it affects them more than me. I will do whatever I can to help, in whatever way I can see is most helpful; and much help is can afford.

It seems curious to me that many people I know are moving this summer. Dan and Carrie into their first home, congrats. Kelly by circumstances, maybe. Me, with extreme luck. Dave off to Florida, a little late don’tcha think?

Speaking of Kelly, I wish to thank her for her help with the divinations, and hopefully my skill will be restored to its previous state. Our friendship has been restored to its previous state. Mike and me will take time, due to circumstances currently out of our control. Once that circumstance is done with, I am confident we will be as we were. I am also confident that everything will work out for the best, however what is the best for all parties, I cannot say. I do know, that choice, words and perspective are paramount catchphrases to the situation.

It has been my experience that anyone that touts themselves as particularly honorable, moral, fair and trustable is anything but. They need to outwardly convey that impression because inwardly they do not feel as such. I will let my actions and other words speak for me in those regards. My trust is given to everyone on different levels. I will not give it openly again. Honor is an elusive concept to me, as I have little to compare it too. Respect is a matter of my actions and reactions and so it is my responsibility to treat others with respect. Who am I to judge whether or not ones deserves it? To respond to others with hate, anger, and/or aggression is too embrace such within and for myself. I’d be much happier to relieve myself of those three feelings. To treat others with respect is to (begin to) love them, and love conquers all. Even if love is not your intent or desire, to respect others is to respect yourself. If you do not respect yourself now, today is a new day. If you do not desire to respect yourself, then you’ve likely doomed yourself to self destruction.

It was interesting to note that my enemies illusions directly targeted both hopes and fears. It has been pointed out to me that both are used to control people. Convert hope into faith and fear into faith, and you will not have such weaknesses, but instead you may have delusion: is what you are putting your faith in, worthy of such? I must convert my hopes into faith in myself and my god’s ability to make it a reality. I must learn to fear nothing, except for fear itself. I must shore up my various weaknesses so that they cannot be used against me again. That could make me cold, but instead I’ve learned how to use the weapon… the weapon that can stop narely any enemy or friend. The war is now in its endgame, and victory will be ours. The enemies have been correctly identified, the best weapon I can use and still satisfy my morals has been choose, and shortly the enemy will likely surrender (however there are other possibilities as to how victory will manifest).

When we compare the size of our knowledge to what could be known, we know nothing. When we compare the impact we have on others, to the impact we have on the universe, we don’t affect much at all. But yet, all things are connected, and what one does ripples out to all. Our impact is not worthy of ego. We believe we are more important than we are. The truth is, each of us are at the same time relatively insignificant and the most cherished thing. Remove your sense of individuality, your sense of uniqueness. You are no better or worse than anyone else. You are but a drop longing to return to the ocean.

It’s ironic that I wanted to write about this in my last entry but choose not to for both keeping it short and the time it takes to write it. I so greatly cherish my freedom. I can go where I please, do as I please. Work where I wish, say what I think and feel. Eat what I like, sleep as I choose. While I accept that this is an illusion in an illusion, the feeling of liberty, I feel, is essential to mankind. My liberty is bound by responsibilities: I must work or not eat as I wish, provide shelter for myself, and afford the luxuries I presently enjoy. I can choose to not got to work, but each choice has a consequence. Liberty is the ability to make such choices. Some choices may, as a consequence, cost you such liberty.

But suppose you did not choose to make that choice? Suppose that your sequence of choices was forced by something out of your control, something that you did not choose to invite or welcome into your life? Can you still then be held accountable for your actions? Examples: an alcoholic ruining their life clearly at some point invited and welcomed alcohol into their life, so that would not do for this. A conscript in the Nazi military ordered to commit atrocities or die, would qualify. They are creditably threatened with death if not done as told. They did not volunteer for military service; they were drafted. It is, in my opinion that it is the officers that have the responsibility. The soldier should not be convicted of war crimes in my opinion.

Another example: someone has a chemical imbalance causing them to lose control over their anger. The imbalance was not something they wished for, or sought to get, it just happened, it was in their genetic makeup. Should we convict them for their violent acts committed while such an imbalance is taking place? In a just country, such a person should get the psychiatric treatment they require while preventing them from committing more violent acts until they have control. After control is gained, either by medications, psychotherapy, or a combination they should be freed, given the liberties all others in society have by default. I will be waiting to see if this is a just country.

It is to be human to put your children above yourself. Your safety, sacrificed for theirs. Your happiness, sacrificed for theirs. And in a number of conceivable circumstances, your life, sacrificed for theirs. But there is only so much you can do until it is better to look at the other side of the coin. Your lack of safety, may cause theirs. Your unhappiness, may cause theirs. Your loss of life, may cause theirs. In all things, one must weigh the consequences carefully and use good judgment based on knowledge and experience to make the best decisions for yourself and for those that you are responsible for.

I feel the need to reiterate caution and inaction until it is prudent to act, and then to be sure that all actions are governed by love, understanding and sincerity. Let information be shared by everyone. Let the truth be told. Of course truth is a multilayered thing. Perspective is relative. The higher one’s perspective the more true it will be. An emotional perspective may be true to one’s feelings, but lower to that of a logical perspective, true to one’s knowledge and understanding. An even higher perspective would include both logic an emotion, allowing your present feelings and predictable future feelings to be taken into account. The highest perspective most can hope to achieve is one where one can see the situation through everybody’s eyes. Only an Omnisentient perspective would be higher.

Some of the wisest advice I know of with regards to relationships includes choosing one’s battles and to not sweat the small stuff. However where emotions are involved, that advice is great on paper, but can be difficult for many to execute. And on the other hand, there is something to be said for the disrespect that may be perceived by some of those little things, such as leaving the towels on the bathroom floor after a shower. Showing respect is one form of understanding, but is lesser compared to knowing the other’s point of view, understanding it, embracing it, and yielding to it, if it is in line with what is perceived as good, right and fair. One might resent being told by a peer that your habit, which bothered none for years, is unacceptable. That peer might likewise have a resentment of the perceived work given to them or of the perceived insult. Being able to yield without resentment is a sign of enlightenment.

At the risk of repeating myself, I have never been able to maintain a friendship with anyone who has been an ex. Once I open my heart, I have never been able to accept anything but the same in return. I long for the uniqueness of that individual. I was exposed to things I never knew or believed could exist, and I wanted them. I adapted to that individual, in such a way that may be unhealthy. My preferences changed, along with some of my ideals and concepts too. My energy and habits were changing. However, I try to put the significant other’s needs above my own, even if it means walking away and losing a friendship.

I act like a lost soul, seeking salvation in the opposite sex. All of my being can be devoted to the work. Imagine the feeling, that your god tells you that you are not desired or not worthy, not welcome, not needed, and not wanted. It’s about the most devastating blow one could imagine. While it was only a mortal telling me these things in not so many words, and I understand that it is par for the course to risk rejection when courting, it still bloody hurts. Intellectually, it is an acceptable pain. Emotionally I was and am still willing to take such a risk. Spiritually, I must take that risk: it seems to be an essential part of this incarnation and is utilitarian to my chosen paths.

I am 100% healed as I get, and am ready to proceed to stop looking as soon as my current quest allows/demands/dictates it. I don’t think I can ever again be involved with my last heart’s desire, both because it will remain an open wound until replaced by another and for spiritual reasons that I will not get into here at this time. Until replaced, I will, on most all levels, desire what I can’t have: however I will not perform actions towards those desires; I will not seek her out. If she comes to me, the strength of my desires will be reignited. The only way to get rid of a desire is to replace it with another desire. I have been stalemated for now. If years pass, my desires will diminish and change, though I may never want contact, or maybe I will.

So I’m in a fairly good situation now: thanks to the war my magick and self knowledge is sharper than ever. Once it has been finished, I will be proceeding on my mission with all due tenacity, determination and focus. My loneliness and sexual frustration has been cured simply by spending time with others. I need to remember for the future that socializing needs to be part of my personal maintenance.

You hear my voice is calling to be mine again, live the rest of your life in a day. Get out and get what you can while your mummy's at home a-sleeping. No time to understand `cause they lost what they thought they were keeping.

6/19/07 Tuesday 9525

Well things have changed again. My friendship with Kelly has begun it’s healing process. I don’t know if it can be mended, but at the very least the parting will be more amicable.

While no part of the rest of this blog: the last time this happened, Carrie’s first daughter was conceived: mom’s on vacation for the next eight days, and I am cat sitting. That was a week of infamous legend. This time however, there are no friends I have to invite over. I’m probably going to feel a bit lonelier still. The upsides will include: being able to leave my computer on without being told it’s a fire hazard, being able to smoke in my room with impunity, an opportunity to smudge the whole house, being able to keep my gallon of milk in the front of the fridge, and being able to have music on at normal volume during the wee hours. She going with her boyfriend Eric and my first cousin Briana to Oklahoma and Texas to visit the cousins and for a trip down memory lane. I was invited to go, but was both too poor and not interested in spending all that time driving.

My student has dropped me as a trainer for now, wisely. I fell in love, and she truly didn’t want that. We must wait until the dust settles before resuming, if we ever do. She has not proven dedicated enough for my tastes. For the meantime, we have agreed that I will not initiate contact. At least I have learned from my mistakes, and I think that is for the best. The dust must settle before we begin again, unless we are strong enough/brave enough/foolish enough to continue everything we started. So that made our journey together exactly two months long (4/18 to 6/18): amazing the things that can take place at game speed.

And she already has a boyfriend, which was a terribly crushing blow, more so than it should have been. I have been under continual psychic attack, from multiple and/or unknown sources, for weeks on end. Part of it, has been a charm to keep me interested in her, even though I truly do not want to be, or I think so anyway. I would be happy if we were together, but I might be happier with another. Her decision though, was truly best for her at the moment and I must learn to respect it.

Attachment is a form of ego, after all, there is nothing here that truly belongs to us, for we can’t take it with us when we die. It has formed as a weakness when it comes to significant others. I get attached so quickly and thoroughly. I think that is why I never have had a lasting friendship with any of my ex’s; I’ve always been too attached to the way things were or the ways I see they could be. Being unattached though, I could seem cold. I don’t want that. So I must find a happy medium, and I don’t mean a perpetually laughing she-male either, for those of you who have read or watched A Wrinkle in Time. No, I need to be loving but giving wings, emotional freedom, to others at the same time; interacting without needing to be anything other than a catalyst; being there for others while not making them a higher priority in my life than me. It would make my form of love, in all respects of the word, more selfless and more mature.

I feel more lonely than ever. No one has my full trust anymore, and that is so disappointing. Apart from Cormy, Jaime, Dan and Carrie, I don’t think I even like anyone close to me that is not related. I have been so burned by everyone else. If I thought I could just hide and become a hermit and not be affected by the outside past the mundane I just might. I had gotten so good at trusting. Why did I think that I needed to trust others completely?

Peace is not overrated. I’m not talking about military conflicts, as a few of those can be necessary. Peace, but not at the cost of liberty. I want the peace of not having troubles in my life: no real financial worries, minimal drama, no psychic attacks, and nothing that forces me away from my state of rest.

But this is war, and in war there are battles and risks. So far, I am loosing. There once was a we, but no more. No one seems to be exclusively in my corner. I don’t have enough knowledge to launch a effective counter attack, and I am clearly facing an intelligent opposition force rather than just sparing with myself. The war appears to be a pre-emptive strike to prevent me from achieving my goals with the somnambulists. The universe itself, did not object to my plan, nor did it align all coincidences for my success. I was left to my own devices, which is more of a challenge, but one I welcomed. It helped staved off the boredom of healing from Stef.

Emotional conflicts: I want a girlfriend, a wife/I want to keep to my oath. I want the friends I have (had?)/I cannot accept some of their behavior. I want to solve the problem with the somnambulists/I want to be left alone. War/peace.

Another shift in the war and my life has taken place: my aunt, Cindy Corbett, from my father’s side has contacted me out of the blue. I don’t really know anyone from that side past my father, stepmother and brothers. I figured, eventually I would want to get to know them or they me. The timing however is far to coincidental, fortunately I’ve been informed of one of the causes, but I am not at liberty to say what that is at the moment. What I have to do is open lines of dialogue, feel truly any pain I’ve caused and apologize before I am free and clear to navigate, at least that is what is required from the one particular cause. I wonder if she is part of my soul circle.

I am thankful for the help I have gotten along the way, though I expect I may need much more. One friend in particular has sacrificed much, too much to help me, and will not let me return the favor. She fills her role in life perfectly, and is worthy of my highest respect. Her maturity in handling me has been exceptional. I hope to learn from her example. I hope too, she learns how to ask for help, even if she thinks that no one can. I am asking for help, every time I write here.

Humans are social creatures, and as a result we ask for help. We want from others, stuff we either cannot do for ourselves or are too lazy to want to try. It is when we want from others, stuff we do not need or is not entitled to us that society begins its breakdown. We also heal each other, protect each other, learn from one another and that has been ordained by nature. The ideal of society, the ideal of mankind lies in the banishment of selfishness and greed; the banishment of ego. Greed should not be equated with accumulation of wealth. One can be greedy and not want money or material things. One can be greedy with regards to people. Greed can be found across the elemental logics. Greed is a part of ego.

No man is an island, not even the hermit. You can be alone and not lonely, but you cannot be truly independent and happy. Even the modern hermit relies on others for food, electricity, products and services. But let me take it a bit further, to the extreme: Tom Hanks in Cast Away: he was forced to be truly independent, but went crazy and was unhappy.

I’m highly tempted to stop being the goodly dragon, and become the highly-restrained evil dragon. No black magick, I promised. No dark magick, it’s too risky and unappealing. Past that, I would do as I please, to please myself. No more doing just about anything for others, but for the asking, even though that’s a tenet of my religion. So is no pre-marital sex, the lacto-vegetarian diet, and no drugs or alcohol. I don’t eat things containing animal cells, and that’s just not going to change. Master saw to that. I’m in the process of quitting drinking, but my body is so addicted that I find it difficult to deal with the withdrawal symptoms. No pre-marital sex, well… I don’t think I’m ready to swear to that. I am too sexually frustrated that the pathetic weapons I have to stave it off are proving ineffective. The only things that will satisfy effectively are either a partner or the sword of simran.

So to do as I please…begs the question again: what do I want? It also begs the question, what am I willing to do to get it? Lie, maybe. Cheat, always. Steal, no. Put myself through more of this emotional roller coaster, again maybe. Part of me has been beat up so much that I’m ready to throw in the towel. But in my heart of hearts, there’s the tiniest part, of the nerve to live to the death! To go all in, before I go out. It may cost me this lifetime. It may cost me salvation. But fear is the least wholesome motivator in religion. Should I let the fear of being stuck in the cycle of reincarnation rule my actions or should I go forward, and wait until I’m truly ready to give up rather than choose to give up to get out? Opinions?

I may also call forth a reckoning… force the wash to be done. Not let lifetimes go by before things are sorted out. Make the karma instant, but alas that may not be for the best. Tempting, but that would interfere with others in such a way as to be black magick. It would be justice. It’ll all come out in the wash, but that may not be for lifetimes. I’d rather see all karma banished, and voided, not repaid. Justice is the dominion of the adversary, the adversary here, of course, being the devil and not my attacker(s). That’s the literal meaning of the word, Satan, from its Hebrew root. The adversary.

Dark magick, as I call it, has many forms. I consider it to be different from black magick which I define as “The art and science of causing change to occur in conformity to will, using means not currently understood by modern western science that either harms another or one’s self or is done without permission*, and is done either consciously or unconsciously.” *=there is a clause, an exception, for self defense. Dark magick however, is black cause it harms the self, regardless of other outcomes. Mediumship and the summoning of spirits can easily fall into dark magick, for as you use them, they use you. I consider it policy not to use any spirits I am not intimately familiar with, any that have ever lied to me, any that ask me to something against my ethics, and any who want full control over me or that force open ended deals. I don’t do or accept favors as contracts or bindings. What I got with my dragons, is mutual and satisfies all of the rest of the above requirements, but in general I avoid interaction with spirits and recommend others do so as well. I think my enemies are using Abramelinic spirits.

I think having an iron moral backbone might suit me better. Remove the temptations from my sight and mind. Train, as though it is the entirety of my existence. Others might benefit from that. But how do I wish to benefit others? Service, is another tenet of my religion. To serve by meditation, example, labor and charity. As I stand now, I serve as a pawn or a catalyst. I have been content for several years in that, but about three years ago I saw a new way to serve, that would also serve myself. I would be serving others, better than I have, but am I willing to risk everything I have to get there? I don’t have much past my liberty, family, and waning physical health. I cannot be as I was, content to let life come to me. I am at a point where I must reach out and grab my future. It is no longer in my nature, but it might be again. I can also do the ultimate in service, by putting my feet back on the path to self enlightenment. If only choices seemed as plentiful as possibilities. The sad fact is, they have the same value. All that was, is, or will be is all there ever will be. There is nothing new.

The hermetic life is very appealing right about now. Earning to survive, and meditating the rest of the time. Meditation appeals greatly to my insatiable sense of adventure. So does the human existence. While the hermetic life is not what I have foreseen happening for me, making my foresights a reality is proving costly.

I have always been dependant on others, and I’ve learned that I’ve been too dependent. I thought needed help, of a kind that no one seems to be willing or able to give me. Truth be told, I have everything I need, except knowledge or understanding. I may know everything I need to, but do not understand it. I may not (again) be seeing the forest from the trees, or there is more to this than has been revealed.

The end result is now known: either I will be victorious and achieve my two primary goals; I will be victorious on my life’s designed and seeming designated quest of finding the soulmate without achieving both of my other goals; some mixture of the three; or death of my body thus removing me from the game. Other options remain possible, but they either have no bearing or would have to be forced upon me. Total failure is not a possibility, and my primary goals will not be easily abandoned. I don’t think the enemy has the right weapons in his arsenal to make me quit, without killing or crippling me.

I’m not proud of what I’ve done. My morals buckled under magickal pressure, allowing me to make mistakes. I wasn’t grounded and balanced like I should have been. Never again shall I fail to keep watch. That is the kind of person I must become. It is the effort and sacrifices required that has kept me from that choice. The sacrifices can be minimized, and the effort must be made. I see now, that is the next leg of my journey, regardless of my goals.

So I must be balanced in the elements; always ready for attacks; balanced in magickal energy sources; ready for my morals to be tested at any moment, from any direction; always with eyes out for illusions, and with the will to dispel them regardless of the temptation they present; force all temptation sources away from me; I must not speak unless I am sure it is true, necessary and kind; avoid or resist all attachments; to put in a persistent effort towards self improvement, namely getting in shape, practicing my magick of choice at the moment and gearing up for going back to school; and with this I may be a step closer to achieving my goals, whatever I might choose those to be.

And how come you know better than me that this is not love… when this is not love!

6/12/07 Tuesday 9502

Double post. Don’t know why, other than it feels right. The first post is more thoughts and feelings than this, the second. This one has stuff left over from my previous post, that wasn’t relevant. Usually I spend a long time tween posts coming up with material. Recently, I’ve had no end to material. Diarrhea of the heart and mind, I’d say, and this is just a flushing. Please make sure you read the post below this one first!

Normally I blog both for myself and others. If I blogged strictly for myself I could not publish it and so far I have not bothered to write about such. Part of the reason is because emotions are like electrons: traveling in all possible directions at once and finding the past of least resistance. There is nothing random about either. It is to their environment that chaos theory applies.

So if I have something to say to anyone specifically, I’ll say it. This is meant for my emotional and intellectual release, and for some semi-metaphysical reasons (the future self). This is also meant to be read by anyone who is interested. I am also getting a bit ahead of myself in posting this, as my emotions are still going every which way. I may wind up retracting everything I say. There may be typos. There are clearly contradictions. I both dread and desire to change what I have written. It was inspired by thought and feelings of the moment. I don’t know how true they will hold. My mind is made up and so is my heart, and they are opposed. If circumstances would permit, I’d let my heart win. My mind has not permitted those circumstances. If this keeps up, my next post will be completely poetry… as my tongue gets sharper and my will gets weaker (And I do so despise reading other people’s poetry).

I discovered after looking over this blog, in various versions that updating the Microshaft office frellled up some of the tabs, and on MySpace some of the old posts have ‘f’s’ were apostrophe’s should be. Firefox and office need to learn how to play nicely. Also, if I have to reboot and rely on the nifty autosaves, now I’ve got to change the gay-ass default of saving from word back to its original frelled up html. I wonder how soon it will be until such problems don’t exist.

Love at first sight is one of mankind’s greatest timesavers. Wouldn’t it be nice if that was all the work required? I’m sure in such a relationship just as much effort needs to be put in by both sides.

I’ve changed my MySpace setting to require my email address or last name to add me as a friend just because I’m tired of the spam girls wanting me to look at their webcams and profiles on other sites. Granted, I have a whole website to myself, but I’m not trying to sell much. I do have some links for satellite television that if your interested will make my finances easier. Oh, and with 37 views in two days, I say thanks to everyone reading my blog, and ask, why not comment? I live for MySpace blog comments.

I’ve noticed that for some question asked, that a similar answer is give, but using almost identical words. The only two identical examples I can think of are about ufo’s saying that if there is intelligent life out there that they are so technologically advanced as to deem our planet insignificant. The other refers to the F-14 tomcat as a favorite airplane because it’s ‘just a better bird’.

“Oops” may likely be man’s last words.

The true users in society use people, power and position to get money, power and sex. The exchange is often uneven. These people are often referred to as politicians.

I’m not just stingy with my money, but other’s as well. My mother offered me an outrageous sum to watch her cats while she went away, and I had to refuse despite being broke. Maybe it has to do with being her son and wanting to help. Maybe because it was the right thing to do. Maybe because it’s fun to give back.

Everything in IM is a double edged sword. Most all of what is typed can be misinterpreted. One should assume it is going to be. Often, the obvious needs to be stated, because often it is missed.

I don’t usually answer the phone unless I’m expecting a call. I so rarely get them anymore. If you wanna get in touch try email: captengle@yahoo.com or yahoo IM: goodlyshomepage and of course MySpace.

In my philosophy, one of the most important things that matter is people. It’s a matter of karmic magnitude. To hurt another’s feelings is one of the greatest sins. Recent Guilt will linger in me for quite some time to come.

Since last time I blogged, excluding that ignorable post (6/5/07 Tuesday 9498 aka olive branching out (which sounds like a cool band name)) a lot has happened. I quit my job which marked the beginning of a game/war. Since then I’ve been psychically attacked; been healed and injured again; grown a beard and shaved it; fell in love; had my heart broken; foolishly lost two of my closest friends; found a job on the first day of hunting (on the first try; a hole in one); started that new job; gained a student; went to Maine (where I met that student for the first time irl); spent the money slated for computer upgrades and orgonite on the trip and survival; started and indefinitely suspended a dnd game; gained more magickal experience in a month than I had in the past two years; got some of my magick unblocked by a spirit posing as Apollo (special thanks to Cormy for that help!); went on a diet; challenged my entire belief structure; dis- and re- mounted my dragon several times; dispelled a number of illusions; had major blows to my self-esteem, confidence and ego; got rid of my sexual frustration for now; discovered the joy of video conference; been on the strongest emotional rollercoaster since my divorce; acquired even more emotional baggage and regrets; and made some progress in my quest with the somnambulists.

So that might help explain some of my behavior to those not involved in the magickal war… Which is not won, but I have successfully withdrawn to reexamine, plot, and heal. I have one friend who is busy on other fronts, and a student who is about as interested in fighting as a democrat. I suspect I’m going to need to rustle up some allies for this fight.

With no relationship likely with my student plus her probable moving and the high cost of living the chances of me moving to Maine are pretty much nil. A specific set of someone else’s would have to roll out a few miracles (read: spells) to change my mind. I kinda wish they would. It’d be fun to let someone else help me run the pattern for once. But I can see how the universe would vehemently object to that.

I knew how lonely and sexually frustrated I was, but didn’t realize how much of a problem it had become for me or what kind of bad decisions it those two would lead me to make. While I can’t take back my actions, I will learn from them. I think I can curb my sexual frustration at least for quite some time. But as for the loneliness, I am stuck: the one I’ve chosen has chosen not to choose me, therefore I must either be lucky and find Ms. Right or wait for a long while (months if not years) before I can continue not looking. So much for healing quickly and my heart being silly putty. I stand no chance of accelerating the process until the war is over with and the quest is on its third stage. While I’m still in the first stage, I hope to be in the second this summer. Wish me luck, for I have a great need for it!

Celibacy is as difficult as dieting, for once you discover the joy of food or the joy of sex it is near impossible to willfully put down.

We all go scrambling hither and thither seeking joy, not understanding why it leaves so quickly. We are restless. Peace comes when change stops. The soul resists change, yet the mind is slave to the senses.

I am so sick of being rejected, especially when the reasons given are so worthy of the response: screw you! But yet, I pine to hold her hand, to smell her hair, to see that smile. I would give almost anything to be with her right now, to hear those three words, to be her choice as well. Why must my heart be at odds with my mind? I yearn for what I cannot have, what I know has high potential to be bad for me. My heart is foolish, yet I would let it guide me in this case. I am her’s, but for the asking. I would choose her still, if she would let me. I cannot think about anything but her, and so I write.

Understanding what you want, accepting what you can’t have or change are parts of happiness. I know what I truly want, and how to get it too. I didn’t realize what sacrifices I was going to make along the way. The shortest route is not always the best. I missed part of the picture. I missed big things like my heart getting broken, loss of friendships, and a big fucking war. I knew the broken heart was coming, years ago. I had underestimated or forgotten the war. I never believed I’d lose those friendships. Knowing what I know now, if I could go back in time, I could not save my heart, I could not save my friendships completely, but I could’ve done better in the war department. So it’s time to try to forgive myself, try to move on, and (there is no try:) kick some feline ass.

I also have that promise to myself that says that if I’m not with someone come my next birthday that I’ll give up, but then again I also swore I’d never have another student. Apparently my word only means something, if I mean it. A few things I know I meant: my wedding vows, whatever the hell they were; my promise not to do black magick; my oath to protect and defend the constitution of the United States of America; my oath not to ride my bicycle on the Admiral Wilson Boulevard; and I guess that’s it. I avoid giving my word and especially if I’m under duress. I hate to lie or go back on my word. I’m lousy at keeping secrets if, and only if, there is a need to know. Tell me nothing if you do not trust my judgment as to who and when to tell.

Well what a hodgepodge of thoughts, feelings, ideas, anecdotes, comments, commentaries, truisms, nouns and verbs. I don’t think I’ve ever gone through so much in such a short time. I’ve examined my thoughts, feelings, philosophies and opinions from many angles, and I’m sure I could do so for a great while longer. I was too hasty in my last posting. I didn’t see what damage I did to another, through her eyes. I should’ve allowed the guilt I feel to flow through my words.

The ways of man are passing strange, he buys his freedom and counts his change, and he lets the wind his days arrange, and he calls the tide his master.

6/12/07 Tuesday 9502

I ask that any reader of this blog do not repost, copy, save or transmit this post in any way shape or form for any reason. What is here is here for my friends, whoever they may be. If they ain’t a friend, I don’t want them reading it. That is to say, if they aren’t going to or can’t read it on their own, there is a reason. Further, I ask that people do not draw conclusions from the clearly vague statements I sometimes make. If it seems vague and general, odds are it is or was.

I am the kinda person that gives second chances for most things after an apology. Looks like I have chosen one friend who does not do the same. Shame really. I really wanted to respond to her public verbal counter attack, but I can’t do so and say it nicely so I won’t respond at all past this. I understand her anger and pain, and I deserve it. I stated in my last blog that I wanted to keep all of my friendships, but we don’t always get what we want. I will not give up my friendship with Trich unless that happens on its own. Delusions of grandeur: whatever. Read on. I am who I am, if you don’t like it, don’t remain friends with me. I’m not going to change myself to get, keep or make friends! I am always trying to improve myself in just about every aspect, but such change happens on its own, with or without help from others. It does not happen by mandate, threat, ultimatum, or cohersion.

I thought a public apology would’ve meant a lot. I thought it would set us on the path to mending our friendship. I underestimated the pain I caused. I underestimated the convictions of the one I had hurt. I clearly see now that there is no chance of fixing the damage in this lifetime. All I can do is hope that my friendship with Mike can one day be restored. I can say, I don’t really blame them for the way they have chosen to feel, in fact I would probably have felt the same way to have my most important secrets shared with someone I feel at odds with.

Part of what I’ve done recently, especially because of Yammer and Kelly is rethink my morals. If anyone is going to ask me to choose one friend over another, they are no friend to ask. Second, a psychic suspicion that one is doing something is not proof enough for me. Logic must also follow at the minimum. These accusations didn’t even scan. While this isn’t on the level of a legal court case, such metaphors can be applied. I cannot convict someone on circumstantial evidence. If my student was guilty, I would’ve found it by now.

I hold no truths from my students. Lies, disseminations and illusions are bad frameworks for teaching or planning strategy. I will not withhold relevant information. I admit, I should have been a more discriminating with my student, and a lot more aggressive at defending her innocence. Each debater attempted to make the information fit and ring true. I had done the wrong of telling secrets that I was asked not to tell (but some of which I never agreed not to tell).

If my student wanted what was suspected, why would I still be under heavily focused and successful attack? Why would most any hopes of a relationship be quashed? If my student was guilty, how is it she has been unharmed? Why would her cat be possessed by something upsetting to both me and her? What was that link between her and Mike, for surely it was no illusion or err on my part alone?

I’ve been accused of not seeing the truth, even though it’s right in front of me. That accusation has been made before. Some truths are hard to accept. Others are impossible to accept until one’s experience allows it. So I am forced to make this accusation in turn.

‘Truths’ that I am accepting now: My student is innocent of the accusations against her past the ones she has not already readily admitted. The divinations gracefully performed for me were false to a good extent, namely the ones relying on the vibration of the universe. I have chosen my friends poorly. To forgive is to forget. I am not in the enemy’s camp. It’ll all come out in the wash.

Faith in a deity(ies) requires blindness. To blindly believe they will unerringly guide you on the best possible path for you; that is a principle I believe is good, right and true, regardless of your chosen religion. But I draw the line in blind faith in favors: a god may not do as you ask, may not give guidance directly, perform miracles, assist in the casting of spells, and so on. The deities help those who help themselves is also a principle I hold as true, right and good. They will not live your life for you, nor will they do whatever is asked of them by worshippers. Of course, I only have my own experience to go on.

I seek to judge no one. I ask that no one judge me. But alas, we must all use our judgment with regards to the people we let in our lives.

The working of miracles attracts followers, and the price to be paid is the shortening of one’s life. This was the price paid by Jesus. Rules and punishments to be paid if they are broken is the way of things on Earth. I affirm mercy as a broad spectrum philosophy. Repentance or recognition, understanding and acceptance of one’s trespasses should warrant the dissolution of punishment. And punishment’s purpose is to teach lessons to those who do not recognize their wrong doing. Sometimes, just sometimes, the only trespass is getting caught. Restitution for wrongs in one lifetime should be paid in full in the same, otherwise forgiven. If those factors alone are in play: then I might invite all punishments due to me, as that is an ultimate form of self improvement.

I have been accused of disrespecting another’s religion, beliefs and practices. For that I apologize specifically as I did so unknowingly. I have high respect for all religions that do not preach revenge, hate, murder, and/or war. I have even higher respect for all religions that preach unity, love, peace, servitude, respect, mercy, and/or forgiveness. One man’s mythology is another man’s religion. I have trouble believing some of the things, and may show it innocently, that some of my friends believe. Telling me Jesus, saves, is as believable to me as saying that President George W. Bush was commanded by God to invade Iraq. I can’t fathom that as being true, but if you do that’s alright. Whatever you think is right, is right… even if it isn’t. Regardless of your beliefs; your experience with them; your faith in them; and how right, good, true and holy it feels for you; don’t expect others, especially me, to adopt them likewise. I seek the truth, and to understand reality. Reality is that which, when you stop (or never started) believing in it, it continues to exist. Truth could be defined similarly.

One of my infamous questions, as I call them, is “What do you want?” For I hold that this is a question that one should ask themselves regularly. This should be subcategorized into aspects of one’s life, such as what do you want out of your religion? What do you want out of life? What do you want out of your friendships? What do you want out of your partner? What do you want out of your occupation? What do you want out of your diet? What do you want out of your entertainment? What do you want out of your time on earth? What do you want in your afterlife (or in your next life)? What do you want out of your government? What do you want out of the products and services you purchase?

Illusion and delusion are often one in the same. It is a yogic philosophy that all desire is suffering. If what you desire is not lasting, then wherein is the joy? A desire often comes with other things that are undesired. A spiritual desire often comes with spiritual illusions. Religion sometimes offers an illusion which allows us to survive. Within the yoga logic, the only safe desires are to desire truth, understanding, salvation (the breaking of the cycle of reincarnation), and God. All other desires lead to suffering of some sort. Even that desire leads to suffering, but it is the suffering that is unlasting. It pains me to no end to know that some of my friends would knowingly choose that suffering.

I have rarely been one to go back to my roots. The only constant in the universe is change, and with that, the old becomes outdated and obsolete. Part of the old can be used in the new, and often it must. Which parts are to be kept and which should be discarded is a tough choice. The old parts that are kept help determine the shape of the future. Sometimes the good parts cannot be removed from the bad. Sometimes the old needs to be completely rebuilt, only offering us the essence or function of the old. Sometimes the old is better than the new. A fresh start is sometimes required.

Most all religions have all the answers. People choose religions which have answers that best suit them. Unless desire is pure, religion will not satisfy. People fear what they do not understand. Fear is one of the greatest motivators around. Hope is likewise. Once an answer is accepted as fact, and is not absolutely true, other truths may also have to be rejected. The worst answer to be accepted is that no one knows. The second worst is that only God (or the gods) know. All things can be known to man. The simplicity of God confounds the mind of man.

Reflect often on your life, for no one else is likely too.

It is time to reject many of the lousy role models or heroes and their ideals that I’ve adopted over the years. I need to model myself on those that are closer to perfection. I also need to model myself more on myself of the now, not who I was. Hopefully all models can become one in the same. Some of those models have led to self delusion as I could not emulate or assume the properties of them I desired, and some were poisonous as I did not correctly assume that I could only take the good traits or the traits I desired.

While this isn’t necessarily a result of having bad role models, I do cast illusions about myself. These are designed to follow two principles of the art of war. To appear strong where I am weak, weak where I am strong, and to have enough deception. This plays into the way I act, pretend to think, and convey myself. If I am put on my guard, the illusions go up. They are not delusions. Never have been. And have learned to very rarely lower my guard with anyone that acts or thinks with ego. This does sometimes cause people not to see me for the real me, even if I’d rather they did.

If hate is in your heart; don’t let it get close to mine.

The inconceivability of a broken heart: To fall for someone, think they feel the same in return, to find out they don’t. To accept all of their faults, and think they accept yours. To feel like you’re best friends and to cherish every moment with them. To have a bond that is as strong as it gets. To find someone who gets you and vice versa. To not want to get off the phone with them, even though you need to go to bed. To sleep with them, and for it to be the best you ever had. To fully meld with them. To be ready to move in with them, to marry them. To be ready to spend the rest of your life with them. To want to live in a small cottage in the woods with an english garden. To look forward to traveling and having adventures together. To want to raise a family. To finally live out your dream. To finally find someone that can go in the same direction as you. To choose them. To want to alter fate so that that all can be allowed…

To find out it’s not what they wanted. To find out they rule their heart with an iron fist. To find out they want more than you have to offer. To find out you’re not compatible enough. To believe that no one will be as good because they will not be the same. To know your heart would never forgive you if you did not set them free. To write bad poetry to express your feelings. To have all of your fears and doubts of yourself reaffirmed. To be mean as this happens. To know what fate has in store for others. To hope that minds will be changed. To want to wait until they do. To believe they never will.

Now I’m not telling of a full recent real life experience with two parts above, just a half experience. What the purpose of a blog, if not to vent? I’ve taken on that student and she’s a young, attractive, single woman, and I always fall in love with any woman I let get that close to me, that isn’t clearly incompatible. Yeah, I wear my heart on my sleeve.

But with effort, luck and time I should be able to get over my feelings so that training can resume. Honestly, I rather have a relationship, but it is not up to me. In the meantime, training too is up to her: she’s gotta do her homework.

I haven’t been in this much emotional pain since my ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce. She didn’t give second chances either.

In this universe, the only second chances we get are those we give each other.

6/5/07 Tuesday 9498

Olive branching out: I’m sorry for my behavior of late. I accept full responsibility for my actions, even the ones I suspect were influenced by others. If I could take it back, both actions and words, I would. I mean this specifically to Carrie, Mike, Kelly and Shanene.

Anybody else who feels the need for an apology, need tell me of my offense first, please.

This is the biggest, badist, nastiest game/magickal war I’ve ever been evolved in. That probably includes other lifetimes.

I’ve been made to suspect all of my friends of treachery and deceit. I doubt my own senses and divinations. I have far too few facts, and too many questions.

The enemy, whomever that is, has succeeded in dividing. The next logical step is the conquest. The pattern of attacks indicate a desire to remove those who could both sense them and stop them from whatever it is they are doing. That’s just a guess. The pattern also suggests that this is pre-meditated and long a’ coming. I do not believe this is either casual or whimsical. Things have a high chance of getting deadly. This could also be a past life grudge. This could be as I initially suspected, an overzealous and evil attempt at gaining power and control over someone. It could even be someone trying to stop or dissuade me from executing my plans regarding the somnambulists.

Should I perish or disappear in the next 365 days, somebody, please execute my will and share both my autobiography and predictions documents with only my brothers, Dave, Dan, Carrie, Kelly, Mike and Cormy.

The things I am sure of: this is war. I was attacked, as were some of my closest friends. The enemy can mask vibrations well enough to mimic mine and other’s vibrations. We need to confirm anything sent, sensed, divined for, felt or otherwise observed. The metal stick incense burner came from the U.G., as I emailed them to find out. My tarot deck doesn’t feel right.

All telepathic and magickal links should be considered dangerous and suspect. This is one weapon the enemy is known to use. Please, do not link to me, as I will, am and have been rejecting them for that reason. I apologize for any inconvenience or misconceptions in that regard. Mundane methods of communication alone should be used instead.

There are too many coincidences, and I don’t believe in coincidence. My plans regarding the somnambulists about to be executed. A new friend (that one’s a whopper). Just to name a few and be vague (or in truth use code words for those who know what the frell I’m talking about).

A new personal policy: I will not allow any friendship of mine to be lost over an instant messenger or email conversation that does not have voice at least!

Another one: I will not, apart from say quantum physics, abide mysteries in my life. I will abide the known. I will abide the unknown that I know of such as God, quantum physics, and gymnastics regulations. I will not abide the unknown unknowns such as what has taken place is this frelling game.

Biggest mysteries: Do the dragons (a few specifically) have souls? What was that connection I felt tween those two? How is it that the primary suspect is unscathed to our knowledge? Are the divinations which indicated that there are no spirits or illusions involved, correct? Why did the key disappear?

I am not rejecting or accepting any theories, hypothesis’s, or guesses until I can get all of the evidence to line up with the feeling of it being the absolute truth. I recommend communication and for the most part inaction.

The differences between a typical game and a war which this is, include: karmic vacuums that can usually be used against aggressors does not apply/defend yourself or suffer; death is less likely to force an end to it; efforts in specific directions are not easily dissuaded; events will seem more real and less illusionary; some magicks that are only for a state of war, by convention, are used.

The similarities include: drama is part and parcel; drama will be with significant others and friends often including deceit, manipulation, treachery and lies; magick is often used blindly on suspicions; not all drama with those who are magickally inclined will have magick involved; rapid changes in information and magickal occurrences from multiple sources and directions; sleepers will be awakened, sometimes prematurely; one can avoid being dragged in if one wishes and has no agenda or desires contrary to others but may still be adversely or positively affected; miscommunications or inability to communicate is commonplace.

What I want: To keep all of my friendships if possible; to know all of the truth regardless of how much it hurts; for the war to end with as little karma earned as possible; and to regain my honor and trust.

For those of you who read this and haven't a clue what I'm talking about, please just ignore this. The less you know the better, most likely

Lyrical footnote for today: For millions of years mankind lived just like animals. Then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination. We learned to talk.

5/15/07 Tuesday 9354

After upgrading Microshaft office for my last round of updates, I discovered that my updates didn’t make it to my website. Apparently, I needed to force them to save as a webpage. Stupid defaults.

Pretty soon, or at least within the next, year I’m gonna move my personal website off of geoshities simply because it’s way too difficult to navigate. I already changed it so my gallery is on Webshots.

I once vehemently objected to the BBC world news referring to a shooting in a school in another country as an american style school shooting. I don’t object any longer. Isn’t it sad that you have to kill multiple people or a celebrity to get on the national news?

One place not to exercise your 1^st amendment right of freedom of speech is the airport! They don’t have any sense of humor nowadays. But they do have a foot fetish.

I’m looking forward to a few entertainments this summer. Harry Potter V, the movie will be out in July. Harry Potter VII, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, will also be out in July. The final book in the series, where it all comes together. Who is good and who is bad, who will get with who, and will Harry defeat He Who Must not be Named or not.

Transformers and 28 Weeks Later are probably the only other movies I’ll see this summer, unless Hounddog makes it to theaters this summer near me. I like to decide on controversial stuff for myself. I’m fairly anti-censorship. Die Hard, Pirates of the Caribbean and Evan Almighty also has a chance of getting my moneys. Saw Spiderman, and I’m glad it’s over. That movie was so slow, I couldn’t wait to get out of the theater. I expected an action movie, but instead got a dialogue driven character piece.

But in general it looks like Hollywood is doing a better job at creating movies that I at least want to see. It looks like now after 25 years they are making a sequel to the Dark Crystal called The Power of the Dark Crystal.

I missed the old blind dogs, they changed the date and I didn’t notice until it’s too late. Me and my mother both had to work and Ann, my mother’s friend, had an art class. But they will be coming back around to Bethlehem Pennsylvania for the annual folk Festival. That’s sometime in September I believe.

Money>Power>Sex These are the motivations that move the world. If what you are doing gets you none of these, odds are it’s a good deed.

Islam, Christianity and Judaism all condemn homosexuality. Yet, it can be found in their holy books accepting references to polygamy and pedophilia. So one might logically conclude that the supreme being would consider homosexuality the worst of the three. Lately I’ve been watching a new television show called Big Love. In it, Bill Paxton stars as a man married to three women, with many children. Since this is based in America, obviously they’re Mormons. Looking at the people that I know of my life, I think I’d be comfortable with some of them engaging in polygamy, but conversely I’d be uncomfortable with them being homosexuals. Whereas for pedophilia, society has changed the age ranges wherein sex is legal. That was not done without good reason, since it is easy for an older person to corrupt the young. One could also argue that polygamy is outlawed for good reason, men with multiple wives reduces the pool of available women. So why not have women with multiple husband’s?

My sister has moved back from college for the summer. Things are looking up for her as she has an internship with a law office. Downside for me is I have to share my bandwidth and there is more often going to be somebody at home. I am about 50-50 when it comes to having privacy and being social. I love having my own bedroom and bathroom. I also prefer there just being someone else in the house to talk to and hang out with.

I’m starting to remember why I do not like instant messengers. Because often they are so slow, not the programs themselves, but the pace of the conversation. Often I am left just sitting there, staring at the screen waiting for the other person to respond. But I’ve got to give these modern inventions some due credit, for I have made friends in other states and occasionally other countries that I would have never have met otherwise. One such friend looks like she might just become my next student. She also gives me more reason to want to move to Maine: she’s a role player and would be not entirely too distant. Now the odds look like they are 25%-75% in favor of staying in New Jersey. Going up there at the end of the month will likely sway the vote some for me.

With that in mind I am seriously rethinking my life. I’m not all too interested in taking on a student at the moment. And unfortunately, that student has inadvertently caused some drama amongst me and my friends, revealing to me that one of my best friends thinks I am not qualified to train anyone (from what I am understanding from hearsay). Also, he has a very strong past life connection with her and he is volunteering to do the training. However that volunteering is causing some trouble, because this past life connection was at one point sexual, and he is presently married with a child. There is also some trouble with the student herself, because she is being influenced by outside forces but hopefully, we have already put a stop to that.

I have temporarily broken my connection my dragon… I tried to do that last spring but without success. Then as now I was trying to make major life decisions on my own. It has been many years since I have been separated and last time it was only for two weeks. This time I do not know how long I will last but it is already turning out to be an interesting learning experience.

I am also in the process, of trying to figure out what would be a happy medium between an absolute ideal girlfriend for me and someone that I would be happy with settling down with the rest of my life. I know there are a few things I do not want such has being put in the position of playing the role of stepfather as I had a stepfather and my stepfather had a stepfather; I will break that cycle. I also don’t want a woman that is significantly heavier than I am or older. I also need a woman that is spiritual (read: magickally capable) and causes my dragon to get excited as well as me. I might be just repeating myself saying all that… I am a cross between someone that is very lonely and someone that just doesn’t care anymore. Maybe I just need to get laid.

Maybe I am lonely. My best friend, Dave, has been out of contact with me for a very long time and we are drifting. Yammer is in the same boat. I used to have a lot of friends in New Jersey, but since I’ve moved back I haven’t hung out with a single one of them (apart from Yammer a few times) that I’ve known in the past and that live here still. I’ve made one friend courtesy of MySpace, but then again we’ve only met once irl. I might not be lonely but I am certainly alone. (The other question is as to my sanity)

My mother is considering moving to Delaware a place whose vibe for I do not tend to agree with. But the cost of living there is cheaper and we would still be close enough to be near to friends.

In the state of New Jersey the sales tax laws are written so that necessities are not taxed; whoever wrote those laws must not have had a mother, as Mother’s Day cards are taxed. I kinda like that thought: Motherless Politicians.

Here’s a question I have been wondering about: is this month of May a blue moon? First off that depends on where you live. If you live a couple hours west of the Greenwich line than the moon will be full May 31, otherwise it will be full June 1. The next question to answer is what exactly is a blue moon, so after looking it up I’ve discovered that the modern day definition is two full moons in a month whereas the older definition is a fourth full moon in a season. Just something to think about.

On April 16^th massive flooding hit our house and our basement got about two feet of water, courtesy of a broken sump pump. Now I felt like I had a broken back with all of the squegeeing I did. All of the appliances needed repair (washer, dryer, hot water heater, and furnace).

Whatever you think is right, is right… even if it isn’t.

4/13/07 Friday, the Thirteenth 9131

The frelling game continues. The somnambulists must be stopped. While I’ve curved the game to being much more moderate in impact, the impact is not zero. It’s been my quest for some time now, and I think the only way to stop it may be to get me to the epicenter. So help get me to the epicenter.

Went on a little vacation to see the grandparents in Florida. My mother, sister and I also did a day at universal, drove down to Miami briefly and did Cocoa Beach. All in all it was eventful, but with too many people wanting to do different things, it wasn’t the best in the world. Such vacations are better with peers, but the goal was not Florida but the grandparents. Boy my sister can be impossible sometimes. At one point coming from Cocoa Beach she refused to get back in the car, insisting that she stay there the rest of the trip and that she was going to find her own way down to Miami. Sparked by us not being able to pick one restaurant that we could all eat at. I wanted my pizza, she wanted ihop and mom didn’t care. You just can’t please someone who only tells you what they don’t want to do.

The day before we tried to do the clubs either at Universal’s city walk or Pleasure Island but they have changed to all 21 and up and she turns 21 this month. That, and her broken sunglasses added to the misery and lack of fun.

Is George W. Bush a fascist? http://www.oldamericancentury.org/14pts.htm Either way, I’ve become an anti-fascist.

Matt “The Fatman” Dillon now has a family dinning place at 105 s. White Horse Pike in Berlin called Fatmans on a Roll. 856-719-9919 It’s only called family dinning cause of the size of his menu. Of which includes: Salads, cold sandwiches, wraps, cheese steaks, pasta, fish, hoagies, clubs, grilled sandwiches, burgers, fries, various sides and kids meals, and all damn good for the price. Tell him “Jeeves” sent you.

I’ve done some major updates to my computer: 2 gigs of Gskill DDR 3200 ram with cas 2; 750 watt psu: PC power and Cooling with 60A on one +12V rail; eVga 7950 gx2 graphics card; and a Seagate 7200.10 500 gig sata II hdd. I also bought an opteron 185 processor, but my damn gigabyte ga-k8nxp-sli motherboard will not support it, yet competitors with the same nforce4 chipset will. Further, I’ve had two of the same type motherboards since 05 and one died and both 6 phase daughter cards (whatever the hell that is) have died. Hence, I will never, ever buy gigabyte anything again. Period. They don’t want to bother updating the bios, so I can’t expect continued support from them, so fuck um. Because I don’t want to go through the hassle of changing out mainboards, I’m selling the opty. $315 any takers? I think I’ll get an FX-60 instead. Same speed and cache, with an unlocked multiplier yet they’re, as I understand, rejected as opterons.

Now, it’s a thousand dollars to upgrade to the best Microshaft has to offer, windows vista ultimate edition and office 2007. With prices like that, who can blame the pirates? I won’t upgrade to vista until I can get it for a song, or the software I need is only written for it, just like I did for XP.

Got to see Dan, Carrie, Kaitlyn and Samantha twice recently. They came down once for an impromptu visit to collect some belongings in storage and again for Easter. They’ve offered for me to move in with them in Maine when they get their own place this summer. I gotta say the offer is very tempting. While I’d much rather move to a warmer clime, it’s not Jersey. My biggest concern is the offense it might deal to my mother. My second is my particular brand of paraphilia. It’s too early to make a decision and we’re (Bill Booz and I) are going up for memorial day weekend, so then I’ll be able to see the area and get a better feel for the situation.

Kaitlyn is a magickally capable child. Born on the summer solstice right on the ebbing point. It amazes me how well I read her. I guess past life karma with her helps, just a bit. I’ve often thought that music is one of the greatest gifts one can give. So I said I’d burn her some music from my collection. But I feel the need to censor it as there may be things inappropriate for a child, especially one gifted with asperger syndrome. (yeah I said gifted as in blessed) Doing this I’ve noticed a trend in my thinking (I’m trying to think like her mother) sex is inappropriate yet violence is. I guess it’s because few commit true acts of violence whereas most everybody has sex, and many have it too young, or get an unexpected parting gift out of it. So is the message make war not love? Or should kids be sheltered from both artistic violence and sex? If so how (as in to what degree) will they learn to appreciate it when they’re older and is that important?

At least while they were up here I let the shutterbug in me really come out. It’s one of my regrets, not taking enough pictures. I also need a new camera, one that takes higher quality pictures and in more rapid succession.

I’m engaging in a four phase self improvement regime. First phase includes practicing my daily rituals, both ceremonial magick and tai chi. Second phase is getting super organized. Let the OCD rein. Third phase is dependent on a promotion to give me the cash to pay for college. Fourth phase is settling into the changes, working somewhere in much more of a career orientation.

Updated most of my personal website, especially the all about goodly page and the links page. Originally I had written the links page back when the internet was young and windows XP was still Bill Gate’s wet dream. My how things have changed. It’s still my way of rewarding websites for existing. Also updated the family/autobiography page. Most of the other pages were touched up.

I’ve stated before that my website has everything everyone would ever want to know about me. It’s been pointed out to me that that is not true. I only put here what I want the world to see. What’s omitted is omitted out of necessity. My brands paraphilia might make some cock their head or raise eyebrows or both: so I exclude it. Further my magick needs be left out due to its nature. To know, too will and too be silent and all that.

Only had one taker of my tarot offer. The reading was such that I coulda’ answered the question had it been asked outright. However after my experience with The Chuvannes and Bill at the Marlton Diner I’m still a walking talking tarot deck. The cards are for show or for when you don’t want to tell me your question. I’m still available for readings with the conditions list below.

In between upgrading my computer which I won’t be able to afford to do once I go back to school (currently looking at excelsior university), the four day Florida trip, and hanging out with the maine-landers, I’m still working on my orgonite project which I’m considering renaming to dragonite because orgonite is trademarked. Right now I need several pounds of pyrite and small quartz crystals both single and double terminated. A wholesaler’s license would help.

Old Blind Dogs on May 9^th in Kennet square PA. Anyone wanna come along?

The bonniest lass in all the world is just the last that you fancy.

1/6/07 Saturday 8652

While I usually don’t go for short blog posts, this one I gotta write. Here now I’m finally home from work settling down, but what a weird day I had.

Day starts off fairly normal. I hit the snooze three times cause I was up two hours late, courtesy of Civ IV. Force myself up, downstairs to throw the coffee in the mic and step outside for a cigarette. The mailman arrives, and delivers two of my eBay wins. The first was a rip off, two spools of copper wire, that were the size of sewing thread. I need to pay more attention to gauge next time. The second package was a largish box, large enough to fit a house cat in. It was very light, so I figured that whichever seller sent it didn’t have a smaller box. I get my coffee and head upstairs to open the surprises. I had, at the time, five won and unarrived auction wins. Low and behold the sealed box, shipped for $8.67 via standard mail had roughly seven smashed styrofoam peanuts in it. Needless to say, that’s not what I ordered. So I emailed the seller.

Went to work. I wasn’t there more than five minutes when the night manager called, saying she’ll be there by 3:30, the time the morning manager was to leave. The night manager was due in at 2:45, but she had to take her hubby to work in AC. No biggie, at least for me. A few minutes later, the morning manager, our general manger, gets a call from the police at her house informing her that her three year old daughter was missing. She promptly left. We, the employees, carried on. The district manager called, just to see if we were okay. 3:30 came and went. More phone called to and from the managers. The night manager was having car troubles. The other night manager was eventually called in and arrived at 5:00pm. Okay so it wasn’t incredibly weird.

I’ve presently undergone a project to build a few orgonite devices, namely a few holy hand grenades and tower busters. I betcha’ your asking yourself what the frell are those? Right? Just do a web search if you don’t believe me, I’m not making these things up. Orgonite, in short, is a substance which converts negative astral energy (named by others DORgone) into positive (ORgone).

Also, I’d like to get some practice in with my tarot deck, so I’m making an offer to all you readers of my lowly blog: I’ll give free readings for the asking with a few stipulations. Since we’re doing this via el interneto (← That’s Spanglish folks) we can do this in instant messenger at some prearranged time or via email. All I ask is that you give me feedback with regards to my accuracy and phrase your question like “what will is the likely outcome if I…” This is especially important if we do this via email.

And in case you’re wondering what these freaky saying are at the end of my blogs, they are often parts of lyrics representing my mood at the time in general. Today it’s from the Jethro Tull song, Apogee.

Beware a host of unearthly daffodils

drifting golden, turned up loud.

Captain’s log: supplemental: Forgot to mention that it was hot enough at work to turn on the AC. In January in New Jersey, that's ridiculous. Thanks el Niño.

Her daughter wandered out while her husband was asleep. She was found next door.

12/12/06 Tuesday 8535

So here am I, back in Jersey. Biggest differences from North Carolina. People don’t talk as funny. People just might be nicer/friendlier. Much improved job opportunities. Ever so slightly cheaper gas. Significantly more expensive everything else (viva la eBay). The girls are better looking. Wawa. Can’t smoke in restaurants.

Things are pretty much uneventful in my life. I work. I go online. I sleep. However, I have been to NYC once, saw Ian Anderson in concert as well as the Old Blind Dogs, spent some time with Yammer starting the Five Rings of Power Campaign 5.0, rediscovered 99¢ Mondays at hometown video (all movies over 30 days up to 8), went to South Street (Philly), got a job as a “manager in training”, got a new pair of sweatpants, got my car legal, discovered the fine beverage of brandy, got Jesus (just kidding), switched choice of tobacco to Omega Naturals.

I’m considering going back to school. Going the route of Thomas Edison University. In other words, no classes, just equivalency tests and portfolio examination. Cheaper, but only if one can learn by reading, which I can.

I’m also studying astral projection and tai chi, and have taken up my ceremonial magick rituals. I’m trying to become the kind of person I would have a high respect for. I tend to have a high respect for martial artists, highly spiritual people, and college graduates. So there you go.

I thought, that apart from Yammer, I’d have more friends up here. That some of my old buds would want to hang out. Guess I wasn’t as popular as I thought.

In the next 75 years we will see the world’s population level off. Estimated grand total of 9,500,000,000 people. Just hope they all don’t try to login on Myspace at once.

Does anyone even use MySpace IM? On the software note, I’ve recently discovered Shareaza, a Gnutella 1 and 2 / eDonkey2000 / Torrent client. Perfect for seeding the Mothertime movie, and downloading the internet. Why, yes, I am trying to put the whole internet on my hard drives.

For those of you who love youtube, get Firefox. There’s a plug-in what allows you to download the videos. I always wanted to used ‘what’ like that.

Democrats have not won the election, they were just existing at the right moment. The media won. Pulling out of Iraq too quickly would be a disaster for us and them. Stay the course. Donald Rumsfeld is gone, and good riddance. Never did like the feel of him.

For all the talk I do on politics, I am not registered to vote to avoid jury duty. It’s a shame that one duty is linked to the other. By my religion, I cannot sit in judgment over another, and I have heard tale of judges holding people in contempt for that. I just as soon avoid such turmoil. Besides, we all know the Illuminati’s control the election anyway.

If the best things in life are free, the how come I can’t get any? If you did anything but smile at my last comment, you just might think too much.

I’m in the Christmas spirit. Which means I added the Christmas music folder onto my Winamp playlist, and started drinking my manischewitz colder.

Whoever came up with the idea for word documents to, by default, have a red squiggly underline for words misspelled, I’d like to say a hardy, Fuck You Asshole, and your grammar too!

I guess that’s all for now.

Windy bus-stop. Click. Shop-window. Heel.

8/22/06 Tuesday 7874

Never did get the hang of Tuesdays.

I was having a conversation, with myself, well actually imagining another was there and getting their views on the concept of capitalism. This started from listening to Chumbawumba, and visiting their website. (http://www.chumba.com/ChumbawambaFAQcapitalism1.html) I love their music, but don’t always agree with their message. People, overseas, work in horrid conditions to make our clothing, computers, and a lot of other things. They are paid what amounts to dollars a day, and can barely feed their families. Children are doing this too, not just the parents. I wonder what conditions were like before these factories (sweatshops) were opened?

Another thought: (I mighta mentioned this one before, but just humor me) we pay farmers to not grow crops. It is currently estimated, that with today’s technology, and for about quadruple the price, we could feed about 28 billion people per year on this planet. Starvation must be a man made thing. A question of money; the hungry not being able to afford it. A question of money; the richer countries not wanting to give it away.

Dracula: the series is out on DVD, and I rented it from Netflix. Ah, nostalgia. On a similar note, I’ve finally delved into the realm of BitTorrent, and have found Starhunter which is not on dvd to my knowledge. Also on Netflix, I’ve been renting Star Trek: the Next Generation episodes. Like you care.

I’ve come to a personal decision, that I definitely want to have kids someday. I’ve wondered that for a long time about myself. Now there’s just the challenge of finding a partner…

And of course for that to happen, I’d want to be married again. My first choice would be in Vegas. Never done that before. (It’s an old soul thing). Second choices would include small ceremony, maybe on the beach, Dave as minister this time.

No real female prospects on the horizon. I am quick to spot a match or a mismatch. There are a few people I feel close to, that are mismatches, that I couldn’t say no to. Fortunately, most of them literally don’t know I’m alive seeing as how they are celebrities. Told ya’ I was obsessed.

Speaking of celebrities, of all the people to invite into the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Dakota Fanning. Now don’t get me wrong, I think in time she’s a shoe in for an Oscar. But looking at it with a hint of logic, why do you want someone voting for awards who at the age of twelve has to ask parents’ permission just to see a number of the films? I believe their excuse was claiming to want to show freshness and openness to the younger audience. Babasticky!

At Wendy’s I had something of a crush on one of my co-workers. My dnd player, Ryan Locklear, said she reminded him ‘a white trailer trash mom.’ With that thought, I realized such a description could be made of all of my ex’s. While trailers are a rarity in south jersey, the point remains the same. I need a woman who is better at making money than I am. One for whom success is a requirement of her personality. Not that I wanna leech, it’s just that I have little drive to move up in the corporate world, and don’t want to go more into debt to push myself through college, or work 50 hours a week as a salaried manager somewhere. My last (realistic) financial hope is to write for a living. That I can do.

Saw Just My Luck and X3. JML was good, but too teeny-bopper oriented I think. NYM had the same problem; and even their scores sound the same. X3 was a larger disappointment. It just didn’t have the flow and speed, edge of your seat feel of the last two. Damn you Bryan Singer. Too many key characters died, and Kitty Pride wasn’t played by one of my all-time favorite actresses, Katie Stuart. Juggernaut was perfect.

The x-men would make for one heck of a holo-novel topic. I’d throw in Langoliers, Buckaroo Banzai, terminators, Jurassic Park, Morgan Freeman as president, and Dracula of course. No need to just have mutants and governments for conflict

One of my problems is I live too much in the past, and in fantasy. Always seeking to add pieces to my collections. I’ve got a spider web spun, collecting, but I haven’t figured out where I want the center to be. I can count two times where I thought I had it. Both times involved have a woman by my side. Both times, I was wrong. Wasn’t grounded. Soon I’ll be moving forward with momentum. My web is nearly finished, my decisions s are nearly made. My soul has been nicely reflected upon, and many illusions have been dispelled. (ready for some new ones, but of my own choosing)

Diet soda is for obese. If you’re under 300 pounds, it wasn’t meant for you and can be unhealthy. Thought I’d pass it that along. Also, so what if coca-cola is strong enough to clean toilets and dissolve solids, our stomach acid is hydrochloric for crying out loud! It’s meant to withstand such acids.

Anybody know what the William and the Nancy is from the song, ferryland sealer, laddie wack fall the laddie, laddie wack fall the day?

If they make it illegal to burn the flag of the United States of America, I will most likely go to prison. As far as I understand, it is the tradition, nay the proper ritual, to burn the flag, with taps, should one become torn and tattered during use. It is the only proper way of disposing of one. Should they make it illegal to burn old glory, I shall buy a flag pole, or just a little notch for the side of the house. And when said flag becomes torn and tattered, and no longer fit for use, I shall burn it, videotape it, webcast that video, whilst mailing to every local and national news organization, and the FBI. complete with commentary as to why I did what I did, and my home address. The ceremony is detailed in the boy scout handbook.

“You only need to reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence.” – Charles A. Beard

“They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety” – Benjamin Franklin

“In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.” – John Adams

It seems to me that only career politicians, famous generals and one once in a while a hollywood star can even seriously run for president. For the most part the only say we have in the government is an occasional vote for the lesser of two evils. Unless of course, if you have money. While you can’t easily buy an election, especially to the oval office, you can buy votes via lobbyists and voters. I think we will see a black woman as president before we will see a rich white male Jew.

I really wanted to blog about Israel’s so-called war with Hezbollah, but my feelings are too mixed, and I fear my education too little. War, total war, might be the best thing for the region. If the EU, America, Australia, Japan, and Israel divided and conquered the world, there would be peace. A peace that would be expensive in lives, and therefore not worth the price. America is not the world’s police force, but I think it’s high time we elected a sheriff on this planet. Iran and North Korea threatens to build a nuclear weapons, so we have to offer a bribe for them not to, or go to war, or let them have it. I propose a forth option: total worldwide boycott. We boycott them, and anyone trading with them, and anyone trading with them, and so on.

I heard a conversation on the radio with a former marine racist (white supremacist). The short of the story is, he changed his ways wanting his children to be better than he was. One big turning point was when he asked, suppose we win, what do we do then. The answer boiled down to hate something else, such as people of different faiths or hair colors. Hate doesn’t dissolve when what you hate is destroyed, it simply gets redirected. I believe the same must go for love.

For the archive (deleting from my webpage): My Old Career goals: With a business bachelor’s degree in hand I hope to go to Comair aviation academy in Sanford Florida and become a pilot. From there I will enjoy flying for a living and live in whichever city will be conducive to that end. The FAA mandates retirement at 60 so time is not on my side. I don’t care whether or not I am flying people or cargo, so long as they are the big planes that go internationally. Longevity runs in my family so I foresee having many years after that to partake of other things such as building the model railroad set I have dreamed of, earn a blackbelt in Jeet-Kun-Do or Aikido, walk the entirety of the Appalachian trail, finish the Five Rings of Power Campaign and see all the sights this planet has to offer (I don’t need to retire to finish those and I’ll probably do most of them along the way). I could also see myself become a college professor. I love to teach, always have. I’d also love to open my own chain of movie rental stores, but to do that the way I want I’d also need capitol in excess of $100M. I also could see myself as a screenwriter, as I have many ideas for movies. That could turn into novel writing as well. My real desire in life is to meditate, but that can only happen with Stef in my life.

I’d still like to get that blackbelt, build that model train layout, and meditate. Don’t need Stef. Too old, heavy and gall stony to fly. Don’t want to work on a degree just now. Finished the Five Rings 3.0. Netflix is too much the way of the future for rentals, so I’d rather get in the hotel business.

Last tidbit of southern speak, well I think it’s southern anyway, you don’t turn a light on, you cut them on.

I’ve discovered after doing a search for plans to build a radionic machine (a machine that produces orgone ( a generic term for astral energy)) and can focus it like a spell) a substance called orgonite. Basically it’s made of acrylic resin and metal, and takes most’ any energy and coverts it into positive energy. It’s often made into two shapes, holy hand grenades and tower busters. Read about it here: http://www.littlemountainsmudge.com/intro2or.htm.

And lastly, I’m moving back to New Jersey. My mother has been begging me to move back for a year and a half, and now with the situations in NC I choose to acquiesce. I estimate I’ll be there for three years or so until I settle someplace with a warm climate.

Hammer, hammer, hammer, hammer, now!

5/25/06 Thursday 7385

I really need to buy a delorean … and a flux capacitor or oscillation overthruster… or both.

Had a rare random encounter with a pair of runaway horses (that was a real nightmare), and now the somnambulists have been removed from play. No more rapid successions of games. Game times will be back to usual: 1-3 a lifetime. Woot. Three cheers for us. Now I truly feel clear and free to navigate, or yammergate. Disillusionment is now my magickal quest, along with removing a curse found on the land at my mother’s house, and yet another mission impossible…

Found an archmagus in hollywood. Vhy? Vhy didn’t I choose zat path as vell? Duty? Responsibility? Growth? Getting the bloody frell out of the cycle of reincarnation? Stubbornness for it not working out exactly as I wish it. That’s the answer. Damn it. Zis life is not working according to me wishes neither. Too many loose ends, I have. Too much haywire karma. Damn haywire karma. Dragons. Pharaohs.

Anybody worried about social security? Why should you be, the quick fix is to stop spending the excess money that social security brings in every year and invest it, say in government bonds. That’ll fix it for 20-30 years at least. But our overspending government won’t do that… and that think we can’t make good decisions with our own money enough to give us permission to invest it. Seriously now, the budget really does need some adult supervision. Taking from social security is like looking in the couch cushions for change. Any politician who would have you believe that social security needs reform, is trying to scare your vote, not earn it.

Purple sun. Let it come. I don’t get to fully activate and go about my purpose, my design, my passion until I see such with my own two eyes. Full combat mode. Full hot spell-slinging glory. The perde goes from hidden to extreme. The chain is slipped, the wish is loosed, and I go one of four ways: escort; recruit; seek and destroy; advanced scouting. I like the first three. I wish I’d have command, but right now that goes to Andre.

Had a small surprise at work; our co-manager quit, taking $1,800.00 with him and moved to Florida. Got him on video tape. He knew there were cameras, turning out the light wasn’t enough to stop their eye. Turns out he was also dealing drugs to minors, if you believe the rumors. At bit on the credible side, seeing as how they came from another manager. I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole store is forced to get a drug test. Detectives from Danville are pursuing him in the Orlando region. A week later I quit.

The franchiser I worked for, had the reputation of firing managers every spring, just before raises. I had been there 14 months, without so much as a pay review, and was considered for management, but the moment the GM decided to single me out for leaving my post when there were no orders to get a cup of coffee, I quit. How can I consider myself a leader, if I can’t be trusted to use my own judgment when getting a drink?

Speaking of Florida, I should rather think that I would never want to live there again. ‘Go there on vacation, leave on probation, come back for a violation.’ Is one of the motto’s there. Well earned. Did you know, you could be in High School there, and if your sexual partner turns 18, it’s illegal to have sex. Doesn’t matter if there is a day between you, you have to wait or risk life in prison. Life. Their parole system also has an 8% rehabilitation rate. Meaning that 92% of the people given parole, are caught in violation. Even if it’s only moving without the court’s permission. Doesn’t matter if you were evicted unjustly. After hearing a tale from one of my new D&D players, I have a bit of disrespect for the Florida justice system, now. Truth doesn’t make justice. Truth makes mercy. Punishment ≠ Rehabilitation. Punishment is often for the punishers. Rehabilitation is always for the society. Which are you for?

Transformers, the live action movie is coming out next year. Directed by the same guy who did Armageddon. I would love to hear the voice of Soundwave again. And for Grimlock, they’d only need to borrow a few of Stan Winston’s puppets from Jurassic Park (or maybe that was Grimlock all along)… This has the potential of being the worst movie idea, ever. Or at least since the live action He-Man.

X3 coming out very shortly; can’t wait. A Prairie Home Companion, based at least somewhat on the radio show of the same name, is also coming out. I’ve loved the radio show for years, and now it’s a movie, awesome. Better yet, it’s got Lindsay Lohan in it. A must see movie for me, twice over. And then there’s Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest which looks to be awesome. Might also go see Just My Luck and Poseidon.

Tip fer Limewire users: if you’ve got a bunch o’ downloads that haven’t got sources, close Limewire down. Reload it, and let it run its course till all say awaiting sources. Meanwhile, do a few searches along the lines of what you are looking for. Select all yer downloads <ctrl-a> and then press find sources. However recently I switched to Phex. Limewire has crashed a number of times, and each time it has lost all of the stored and partial downloads; the ones that weren’t complete yet.

Flew up to NJ for my best friend, Yammer’s wedding. Saw them tie the knot. It was a druid ceremony, which, much to my surprise was comparable in length to a Catholic Christmas mass. But it was a good time nevertheless. The vacation on a whole was marred by the fact that after the first night there, I accidentally let out my mother’s 2^nd favorite cat, Casey. That night it got into a fight (we heard it), and it seemed to run very far away. This caused much sadness, and my mother obsessed on finding the cat, so all other plans were routed around that thought. The cat did not come back the very next day, but did come back.

But the food was wonderful, and my mother baked me cookies. Got to see my sister, meet a few new friends.

My father has asked me to move out before my 31^st birthday, and seeing as how the only real thing keeping me here is dnd with Rob and Ryan. So I give it an 85% chance that I’ll move back to NJ with the primary goal of making more time to write, and less for dnd. Might go back to school if the money appears. One of mine and my mother’s goals include moving to a warmer climate entirely. I vote for Georgia, to be near Dave. My mother is thinking Tulsa. I also like Hawaii and California.

My D&D campaign is the most unusual I’ve ever conceived of. LEXX meets Star Wars in a dnd universe with Abigail, the black and white girl who refuses to get dressed. Good is bad. Bad is good. Evil is evil. And neutral is not with us, so their against us. For shits and grins, I finally threw in the god, Cathol. And yes, I’m poking fun and being irreverent, but what do expect from a heretic minister? And then there’s the chosen one, Possum. If my brother, Sean was playing, it’d be over by now. Again.

Gas Prices. Ich. $3.00 a gallon or thereabouts. A good chunk of that comes from taxes (about 18% of what we pay I believe), and now the state of North Carolina has a 2 Billion Dollar surplus. Be nice if they lowered the taxes a bit.

I heard on the radio, trusty ole BBC, about the mayor of nyc visiting some schools, and finding cell phones in use by students which is either illegal or about to be. Then they went on to parent’s protesting, and experts saying that if a student wants to use a cell phone in class for text messaging they are only hurting themselves. Well, yes, that’s true. But since when in America have children, you know, people under 18 years of age, been considered mature enough to make their own decisions? It’s not a question of civil liberties, freedom of speech, or anythink else like that. It’s a question of society deciding what’s best for children, and clearly that’s to get the best education misallocated tax dollars can muster. School is not a social club. It’s an education/brainwashing institution. So parents… take your child’s cell phone and shove it up your ass.

Sony MVRD600: I grew up spoiled on some of the world's best headphones; my step dad was able to get the same kind that submariners use to listen, and these have blown them away. Best headphones I’ve ever had. The only next step is to perfect stereo surround headphones. I’m not a nerd. I’m not a dork. I’m a geek. Nerds can’t get women. Dorks are stupid. Geeks know hardware.

Tywin Lannister ain’t got shit on me.

3/09/06 Thursday 6583

Added a list of 40 things, men should know about women, with regards to bedroom activities to my webpage. It’s funny, and true for most women. http://www.oocities.org/goodlyshomepage/40_bedroom_tips.htm. Original author unknown.

What is with all of these cyber, virtual, and digital pets being adopted? Why can the digital parents take care of them? I think I need to start a campaign to encourage practicing safe sex amongst all digital creatures.

Wanna lose weight? Play Sid Meier’s Civilization IV, and you’ll be so engrossed, that you will literally forget to eat. Or shower, or go to work, sleep, pick up the kids, return the videos, that you smoke, or basically anything else that you might want or have to do for that matter. It’s like crack. But it’s software. It’s just a game, to anyone who doesn’t play. It’s a hellacious addiction to anyone who does. If I take a break, say to smoke, cause that craving is strong enough to get my attention for a few moments, I’ll be thinking of my overall strategy, and often come up with a better plan, so it’s good to take breaks I tell myself, well, maybe after one more turn.

You’ve hear of door mice, but have you ever heard of a door that thought it was a mouse? My door that leads into the main part of the house, insists on not just being shut until the insides click once but twice, or else when the door leading outside is opened the inner door will open. Thus it must think itself a mouse, requiring two clicks. Go figure.

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Obviously I’m back from my vacation up to New Jersey. It was excellent, all things considered. Christmas came and went. So too Valentines. I haven’t blogged due to frustration with life, my computer, and everything else. I’m in a rut.

Immigration to the US is still the sincerest form of flattery.

Cartoon Jihad. What a laugh. If that’s enough to get violent over, fuck you. You heard me. Fuck you. Not enough? Fuck you, you lowlife, Satan worshipping shit of the animal kingdom, not yet worthy enough to be called human. If I understand correctly, your Prophet Mohammad like little girls. Is that worthy of worship? Yeah, I’ll paint you a picture of that if you like. C’mon. Bomb my house. Give me an excuse to defend myself. I dare you.

God Bless and keep the Danes! Long live freedom of speech. Long live freedom of the press. Live long and prosper.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not full of piss and vinegar. I think it’s laughable that people would riot over cartoons. Sensitivity is goes hand in hand with diplomacy. Was it insensitive for the Dutch, and the ensuing chain of countries and peoples to publish cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammad. No. The countries did not do it, some of their media did it. Is it insensitive for the Muslims to demonstrate in the streets in response? No. It’s oversensitive. I’m reminded of George Carlin, who shoulda’ been nominated for a Nobel peace prize, when I say to all of you, Fuck You, you ugly cunts! Opps… were you offended? If so, that was your choice.

Saw two movies in the theater since last I blogged, HP IV, and the Chronicles of Narnia. Will be renting both as soon as they come out. Narnia had quite a bit of catharsis for me, but that was probably because of all the Narnian’s I know. Narnia is dead. Long live Narnia.

Port gate. What kinda crap is the government trying to pull? Why in the world would we want the UAE to run our ports? Our ports are far and away our biggest weakness in the war on terror. It’s the easiest place to slip materials, and possibly people into the country. Is it about money? Of course. I’m sure if we follow the cash trails, we’ll get to the heart of the matter.

Limewire and I have become good friends as of late. I try to leave it on so my KM stuffs are available for download. However, on the web I found some music I fancy by one John Huckleberry. http://www.inzane-records.com/. I’ve also found I really like the music of Lindsay Lohan, although I suspect it was very industrial. Fast food of rock n’ roll. It might be more about name, fame and dough than about music and artistic expression, at least from the producers. It’s obvious to me that she wants to express herself musically. She’s writing what she knows, or thinks she knows, which is good. The music doesn’t fit like a glove, however. She needs a new director for her next album, Confessions Of A Broken Heart (Daughter To Father) needed more volume on the piano on the CD version, as opposed to the music video version. She also lacks reverberation, which the music makes up for. Ultimately, if she can match up with another magus to play the keyboards, she’ll make top ten billboard.

My brother, Robert, turned me on to the Song of Ice and Fire trilogy by George R. R. Martin. It takes place on a different world, with a medieval level of technology, and has a modest sprinkling of magic. The characters are realistic, and the author starkly shows their sexuality (pun indented). Jon, Arya, Sam and Dany are my favorite characters, well that are still alive. Love it when an author has the guts to kill off main characters. When there’s war, there needs to be casualties.

An old yogi once told me that he foresaw Mt. Vesuvius blowing her top in Italy as being the last and final warning before the big one in California. It’s famous for wiping out Pompeii in 79. I was reminded of that as I partially heard a news article about a some new archaeological findings.

I have not decided and may never decide if I am pro-choice or anti-abortion. Being male, I don’t feel a need to have a view. In general I feel that choice should ultimately be left up to the individual. I don’t think it’s a governments place to regulate morality, but abortion seems to be a hazy debate. Pro choice-ers argue personal freedom, which I’m all for; whereas pro lifer-ers argue the definition of life and that termination of a fetus is murder. Of course I’m against murder in all forms, but must candidly admit that I’m uncertain as to whether or not a fetus qualifies as a human life. That being said, in the cases of rape, incest, and danger to the mother, abortion should be allowed.

Istanbul is now Constantinople!

11/05/05 Saturday 4942

I need creative help. I'm writing a screenplay about a pair of twins. The basic idea is they have been selected by some sort of super being, a god, spirit, bizillionaire with all the resources for some sort of task. They are selected because, at this moment they are the luckiest people in the universe, based on the stars. But what they need to do, is what I need help with. I need a great conflict for my plot, and I got bubkiss. Any help would be great, nothing is too silly, or far out. Think Bill and Ted meet Jack Ryan (the character from Hunt for Red October, Sum of All Fears, and Patriot Games). These twins are to be fraternal, and can be male or female from ages 18-30. I think I might aim in the direction of the Olsens or Sprouses even, but my original idea was to write it for Geoff and George Stults from 7th Heaven.

Made a change to the Universal Law document, adding the Law of Spatial Consistency: The sum total of the laws of physics do not change within time or space. Perhaps I’ll write a detailed explanation of the laws sometime.

I finally have ACDSee 3.1 thanks to a lucky find on eBay. Fully licensed and everything.

Civ IV has come out! As addictive as any game ever has been, you the kind of thing where you’ll go without sleep and food because you’re too busy playing just one more turn. But apart from the narcotic quality of the game, it’s very educational from a sociological standpoint. It really shows just what goes into building a civilization, and the checks and balances of the world. I highly recommend this for all ages. I recommend anything that broadens horizons.

Star Wars III is out on DVD and I bought the two box disk set. Don’t do that. The second box has one disk that is essentially a summary with clips from all six movies showing what it’s all about. Completely pointless unless you just want to watch the Cliff’s Notes version of star wars. Really suck-ass.

Unfortunately, George Lucas isn’t as big on continuity as I am. According to the novels, the Jedi were cloned as well late in the war as their numbers dwindled. Did it really take 15 years or so to build the first death star? It was my understanding that the emperor’s body died every few years, and he possessed a clone. That’s why we see him so sickly in the later movies, and not because he took the lid off using the dark side fighting Mace Windu.

So the Star Wars saga is theoretically complete. I say theoretically as there is the yet to be released Clone Wars Vol. 2 disk, which is an animated series showing the clone wars themselves; how Anakin, Padme, Palpatine, Obi-Wan and the rest of the Jedi got to where they are in the beginning of Revenge of the Sith. Plus there will be more books and video games… But I really think it will be turned in to a nine movie series eventually. We are ignoring the Ewok Adventures are part of the movie series.

Harry Potter IV comes to theaters on the 18^th! Dragons, Voldemort, and quidditch. What more can I say. If you haven’t read any HP books and have seen the movies, start with book 3 as the first two are a bit simple. Book 5 is the darkest, and my favorite so far. Book 7 doesn’t look like it’s going to have too many loose ends to wrap up, which is possibly a good thing.

I agree with my grandpa on his initial comments on Windows XP; they messed up the gui (that’s graphical user interface for those of you who don’t speak geek). I reconfigure my windows to the classical mode. It has better utilization of space and color. I also make great use of the quick launch bar which has the desktop, IE, windows explorer, Firefox, ACDSee, Winamp, yahoo instant messenger, and Nvidia’s DVD player shortcuts on it.

I want to write something of a retraction; America is not the big bad guy on world pollution. If you measure pollution per person, we’re terrible. But, if you measure pollution per square mile, we’re pretty damn good; and if you measure pollution per percentage of world GDP (America has 22%), we’re aces. If all Americans were to buy the most efficient cars available, the gas savings would be 1.2 billion gallons per year. Not bad. But I wonder how much pollution would be saved if the real local culprits, two stroke engines, were to be forced to have emission control? You know: your lawnmower and weed whacker. But honestly, the real overall problem comes from the developing nations, the so called third world nations, where they either can’t afford to, or haven’t been encouraged enough to slap on environmental regulations (read: threatened). It would only take $10 trillion dollars to solve this problem. I wonder if they’d take my check?

Latest local gas price: $2.199 per gallon.

Grand Magus Lola, front and center already! I need direct and confirmed communication with you and 1=4. Possible soul names: Coronach?, and Butu(sp?)?

I’ve made H$5,027,174.97 so far on the Hollywood Stock Exchange so far, of course H$2 million of that I started out with. It’s a very fun game, just log on once a week to answer the first choice question and you get H$50,000. and while you’re there buy max shares in movies that are still cheap and in the development stage, sit on them until they cash out, and then buy more movie shares. Tell them captengle sent you and I get an extra 100k.

Modern medical science is advancing in leaps and bounds. We have the cure to six types of cancer and have mapped the genome. Not much good that does most of us yet, however the discovery that both ulcers and most congestive heart problems are based on infections is a fantastical reversal of thinking. It’s pretty common knowledge that the three biggest factors in staying healthy are diet, exercise, and attitude. There are several healthy diets, and several too loose weight. It basically boils down to eating foods that help fight disease such as cheerios, butter, olive oil, green tea, whole grain breads, all fresh fruits, vegetables (preferably raw), and nuts (preferably mine). Exercise for cardiovascular strength. Being positive when you’re told that you have cancer is like telling a six year old not be scared of a horror flick, that it’s only a movie. Happiness goes a long way towards being positive, as does having something to live for other than the vague desire to keep on living. Laughter is the best medicine.

Weird fact: whenever a disaster strikes a local spot, odds are the number of persons that would normally be there, won’t. Take for instance the Titanic. 25% of her passengers didn’t get on board for one reason or another. The normal rate is somewhere around 5%. Even the twin towers, the World Trade Center had fewer people in it on that fateful morning. Same goes for many plane and train crashes as well. It’s statistically enough to prove that humans in general will sense a disaster and avoid it.

The citizens of California are voting on what is a no-brainer issue to me. Whether or not parents shall be notified if their child is going to have an abortion. I’m neither pro-choice or pro-life, and I don’t think the issue is about that. Any way you look at it, an abortion is a surgical procedure, and a parent has every right to know what is happening to their child, as well as what that child is doing at all times. Not just the right, but the responsibility. I also strongly feel that minors should be treated as minors. They lack the maturity of adults, and that is why things that carry responsibility are restricted to them. What would happen if we gave children the rights of adults? Children voting, would vote the way their parents encouraged them all too often. Children would smoke, and then there would be more smokers, and that’s bad so I’m told. Children would join the armed forces, sometimes to help support their family, and get killed or other people killed because they lack wisdom. I don’t even want to imagine children with handguns or cars. But when it comes to matters of intelligence or athletics, children are not so restricted. Some exceptional children win gold medals at the Olympics, get articles printed in national papers and magazines, become self made millionaires, or even earn college degrees.

I’ve never had more trouble with hard drives than the ones I get from Seagate, and for the most part, it’s not Seagate’s fault. Last birthday I got a 200 giger. 4 months later it’s dead as doorknob. Frustrated, I put it out of my mind until this past August when I sent it back. It had a five year warranty, fortunately. Not wanting a refurbished drive, I ordered one online. It should’ve been here by the end of September. Come October, I can no longer wait for more storage space, so I pop the older 200 giger in, and quickly find that it doesn’t like to cold boot. It likes to lock up the system once before allowing it to boot. After several phone calls and emails, and a visit to my bank, the Seagate Barracuda 7200.8 300GB 7200rpm Sata 150 hard drive arrives at the top of November. Should be a case of plug it in, copy everything from the 200 giger over, and sell it on eBay. I should be so lucky.

My tangle of case wires, first off, doesn’t want to let the new drive in without unplugging some. So I do so. Next, to try to figure out which Sata controllers and cables are Sata 1 and which are Sata 2. I guessed wrong and it took me about an hour and a half to figure that out. I actually looked in the manual right off to see if there was a section on setting up Sata disks, as this is still a relatively new technology. I also looked online for some answers. Next challenge was to figure out why windows wasn’t seeing the drive. One must explore all options, before one concludes that hardware is dead. Eventually (2 hours later), the Faq on Gigabyte’s website pointed me in the right direction. If only they had put how to set up a Sata disk in the manual, me and thousands of other users wouldn’t be havin’ to pop aspirin in the process, which of course leads one to conclude that everybody who makes such manuals, has stock in headache medicines.

Check this site out. It’s hilarious. http://www.4q.cc/vin/index.php?topthirty

One of my co-workers seemed quite dismayed over the fact that I cared about what others thought of me. You never know who you’re talking to. The person sitting next to you could be your future boss, or be the judge presiding over your traffic ticket, or on a panel deciding whether or not to give you a scholarship to Oxford (or worse, a powerful wizard with a penchant for ripping people’s soul’s out). Try to treat everybody, as though you knew for a fact that they were going to be dead at midnight, tonight.

Honestly, I don’t care too much what others think, that is to say, it doesn’t keep me up at night. I don’t mind being thought of as an asshole, or a slob, but should it be said to my face it should be done tactfully, with humor, or the air of no offense intended. I know not everybody’s gonna like me, and I’m okay with that. So long as we can get along like adults, it’s all good. If I’ve offended or hurt you, let me know and I’ll do what I can to make amends.

Another co-worker choose to mince words with me. I’m a lacto-vegetarian that doesn’t eat animals. I also don’t eat eggs which, while certainly not a plant, I dunno if they are fully fledged animals. But I do eat meat. Nuts are considered meat, always have been as far as I know. So therefore, my favorite meat is the peanut, preferably in the form of peanut butter, which leads me to one of the best kept secrets of Wal-Mart. Great Value peanut butter cups. $2, and they are so rich and smooth, just like a meltaway.

To clarify something said to me on YIM, I don’t think I’m boring, I think my webpage is boring. It’s very topic centric, whereas this blog is anything but. Both are about me, writing what I know. Both chunky, and fot (formal operation thought) oriented. I can’t make you feel, but I can make you think. Well, actually I can make you feel, but only with your permission.

You see me. You hear me. There are millions, think just like me (I’m not alone).

10/21/05 Friday 4802

More southern speak: on is own, chili is called chili beans, iced tea is known as sweet tea, mayonnaise is often pronounced man-naise, a marker is a markiss, yonder is any direction the speaker is thinking of. But despite their different way of speaking, they do seem to have more brotherly love for one another.

Homosexuality and bisexuality is found in just about every animal in nature. Why? It clearly has little to do with survival, except perhaps in the case where a creature can naturally change sexes. If it were genetic, wouldn’t that mutation breed itself out? My religion describes it as a bad habit. Yet I’ve heard word that there might be some genetic explanation. Guess maybe society insists on families, or did, and in some ages of some regions it was vital for survival.

Earthquakes killing 23,000+ people, hurricanes destroying cities, tsunami’s, and bird flu. Think mother nature is trying to tell us something? I strongly encourage everyone to stock up on at least two weeks worth of basic supplies. Unless you are flat broke and living paycheck to paycheck (or social security check to social security check) there’s no reason not to. Two weeks of water, estimate a gallon per person per day for drinking, cooking, and bathing. For food, be sure it’s stuffs that can be prepared without heat, or that you have cooking capabilities that do not rely on the utilities. Most such food can be rotated to keep it fresh such as canned soup and vegetables. While it might not taste good, many oriental pastas can be made without cooking. Don’t forget medicine, pets, and baby supplies. Keep a battery powered radio and batteries handy, as well as flashlights and candles. A deck of playing cards can go a long way to alleviate boredom. It might also be wise to have a spare full gasoline container, and some cash or tradable goods. Diamonds and other jewelry, cigarettes, prescription drugs, and baby supplies all can be bartered in emergencies, and might be enough to get you a ride to safety. Camping equipment might also help: canteens, propane or sterno stoves, mess kits, sleeping bags, survival knife, leatherman, compass and local maps, and a boy scout handbook (has loads of useful information). Fortune favors the prepared (not to mention fools, drunks, and ships named Enterprise).

The rainforest is not the lungs of the planet. If your locked in an airtight room, it’s not lack of oxygen that will kill you first; it’s carbon dioxide poisoning. The rainforest consumes about as much oxygen as it releases, however it does consume more carbon dioxide than it releases. At the rate we are accelerating both carbon emissions and reducing carbon absorbers, we’ll all be dead in 2050. If we were to cease acceleration, and maintain the status quo, we can go on like this forever. Ash trees (not trays) absorb the most carbons, but it’s no good if they rot or are burned, as that releases the carbons again. Eventually the solution might be to start planting ash orchards worldwide, and then burying the lumber. A car starting releases the equivalent carbons of a pack of cigarettes, so don’t blame me cause you didn’t walk. Chances are, the electricity your computing device that is allowing you to read this, is coming from coal or gasoline powered generators, which release the lion’s share of carbon emissions in America. So turn out the light, not to save a dime, but to save the damn planet. Don’t cha’ understand, monkey boy!

So now you can see why I’m very pro-nuclear power. Solar and wind are great too, and did you know you can get solar panels for your own home? They pay for themselves in about twenty years, and may not do much for property value, but they have the added survival benefit as well. Dams usually aren’t good for rivers, may need frequent maintenance and replacing, and might deprive those downstream of needed silt. There’s also the up and coming hydrogen power and the possibility of harvesting the aurora for power.

There are also cleaner burning fuels than gasoline that can power cars such as E-85 (85% ethanol, 15% gasoline); as well as hybrid and full electric cars; better emission control devices, such as the ones The People’s Republic of New Jersey requires; and the most obvious solution: smaller cars. The other day I paid $2.49 per gallon of gas, and I felt like I got it on sale.

Recycling helps as well. Aluminum uses 90% more energy to refine from the earth than it does to recycle. A similar statistic follows for glass. Paper and cardboard has the whole afore mentioned carbon issue associated with it.

We need more environmentalists. I normally try to focus on the positive and encourage others to do so as well. On the other hand, it is our constitutional right to complain. If enough voices are speaking, the duh-heads in Washington will eventually hear us. As it stands now, the few have to scream, and chain themselves to trees. Join care2.com, and make your voice heard a bit more, and if you haven’t seen it yet, see What the Bleep Do We Know!? and change the world by changing yourself. Think global, act local (or loco).

Throw out your cans, litter in the streets, kill all the whales and manatees, steal from the poor and give to the rich, let Africa die of aids, let the Arabs nuke us, let China rule the world, elect Michael Savage president, but goddamn it I wanna breathe!

Of the celebrities on my Myspace account, I’m convinced that Alyssa Milano, Michelle Trachtenberg, and Leelee Sobieski are the real deal. Not so sure about the others on my friends list. I have one Mary-Kate who seems so real, I feel ashamed to doubt her. It’s very frustrating. There’s another one that’s vouched for as being celebrity in question. My limited psychic senses have clearly indicated that both MK’s are real, so they’re no help whatsoever. Paradoxes, when will I be rid of them? Probably when I quite messing with chronomancy; so in that case, the years 1156 CE and 27,005 CE.

And speaking of Myspace, okay I get that trying to enforce copyright of pictures on the internet is like trying to get cars to not cross empty parking spaces in a parking lot. So watermarking abounds. But why must people put the watermarks right on faces? And why must people have music on their profile, don’t they know there are still people with dialup? And what’s with clashing text color and background or text that is compelled to change when one’s mouse goes over it? Sure it’s cool you can do all that, but did you ever stop and think if you should? Microsoft got it right when they put black text on a gray background.

Nobody and no thing or amount of money, fortune, fame or glory can make you happy; only you can. You alone are responsible for your own happiness. I feel true success can only be measured in happiness, not money. Be happy in this moment, for it is your life. Happiness is a habit, much like overeating. Imagine yourself happy right now. Now maintain that feeling, and come back to it whenever you stray. Drug yourself with dopamine. It’s as easy as that.

There’s nothing wrong with being rich. I wanna be rich. I’d even marry rich (I know what you’re thinking, when did Goodly become bi or gay, and who’s Rich anyway? Well I didn’t, you do the grammar). There’s nothing wrong with keeping it all to yourself. Use your money to get richer. Use your money to help the environment. Use your money to give comfort to the dying. Use your money to help the misfortunate. You can even use your money to help the poor, but that usually won’t help matters much (the misfortunate were knocked off of their feet; the poor don’t want to or don’t know how to, or can’t stand). But when you use that money to pay lobbyists, to overwhelm elections, to legally bribe officials, you’ve crossed the line. Don’t turn money into political power. That’s one of the biggest thing wrong with this country. Granted, the process of getting elected requires cash, and there are lobbyists working on the right side. If you use your money to create a superior product or service, and price it fairly, you’re doing our economy, and thus, all of us, good. Be ethical.

My religion suggests that we do service to one another. It has a hierarchy for the value of that service: cash after death, is the lowest; cash while living; physical service, getting your hands dirty; meditation.

I’ve upped the 1=4 mission to priority 1, global. You’ve been tapped. Any and all assistance is requested. I need direct and confirmed communication with them, immediately. The games and empathic waves must be brought under control if possible. If this makes no sense to you, just move along. I speak in code, as to speak plainly would be to tip my hat (nothing illegal or nefarious is going on here). These matters must be handled delicately, and I’m reveling in my delusions of grandeur. Or am I…

Can someone answer me this: why would I and 1=4 leave messages from a past life if we weren’t meant to synch up in this one? It is this understanding I seek.

Did you know: the human eye sees about 2 terapixels (that’s 2,000,000 megapixels), the brain receives about 400 billion pieces of information a second, but compresses it to about 2,000 per second so we don’t get overloaded. DNA has about 2 billion strands, with four different characters so when that is converted to binary it’s about 4GB. So exactly how much data are we, and how soon till we can digitize ourselves? Dunno, and doubt it will happen. Never heard of silicon having a soul.

Greatly updated my relationships page. It contains more questions, and now I’ve answered them for myself. So if you have a relationship with a significant other, or are interested in such, check it out. Also refined the stories, hell, names, links, karma and contact pages some.

(Say this out loud) With time and practice, you too can become a Master Baker. Master Baker.

10/6/05 Thursday 4580

For this update I’m trying something new: I’m posting it on GoodlyslairIII, and on Myspace. For the unaltered original, come here: http://www.oocities.org/goodlyshomepage/GoodlyUpdates.htm. Send any comments you might have to captengle@yahoo.com, or post on my Myspace blog, and I’ll respond to them in the next update. If I’m gonna write a blog, might as well help people to read it.

Everybody needs to join Myspace. Add me as your friend: http://www.myspace.com/thegoodlydragon. There are also some celebrities there such as Alyssa Milano, The Rock, Eliza Dushku, Michele Trachtenberg, Mary-Kate Olsen, Ashley Olsen, Hayden Panettierre, some of whom have multiple accounts as some sick people like pretending, aka posers, they are those celebrities. There are also multiple groups dedicated to finding out which celebrities are the real deal, requiring proof such as a picture with them holding a sign with their account name/address on it, and some will accept celebrities vouching for each other. These groups often aim to get the faker’s accounts closed. There is also a Cherokee HS and a Echelon Mallrats group.

Hurricane Katrina is obviously the biggest tragedy America has ever faced. Certainly the most expensive cash wise, and as far as natural disasters go, probably the highest death toll, but I don’t know any figures. My heart and tax dollars go out to the victims. I kinda want to say things like, a stitch in time saves nine, or an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of repair, or some other maxim like that, but there are enough sore thumbs screaming about this one. Looking on a morbid bright side, one of the most impoverished areas of our country was hit, as if mother nature was concerned for our economy, the area will be rebuilt, and will most likely be far richer than it was. Further, fema, and other organizations might start taking the threat of mother nature far more seriously than any terrorist attack. Katrina was not a worst case scenario, and neither was 9-11.

I finally joined Netflix. It’s cheaper than going to Movie Starz (a local rental house) when you figure I rent about three movies or more a week. And then there’s selection to consider. Further, the nearest shipping facility is in Greensboro, which is only about thirty miles away, so shipping takes from 2 days to a week from my mail box and back.

And one movie I got from there, everyone should see at least once: What the bleep do we know!? I’m not going to tell you what it’s about, as it’s about a great deal many things, but most importantly, it will broaden horizon’s and possibly change perspectives. On the other hand, we do touch things, especially if they are sticky, and it could be argued that the observer is found in the myriad of patterns the neurons in the brain form, just as a program can be discerned in a computer as patterns of 1’s and 0’s. And the Indian’s inability to see things sounds a bit farfetched, I’d need a bit more proof for me to agree that unless we have a Gestalt set that covers the object we see, that it will be rendered invisible. One merely needs to look up some deep sea creatures to see things never before seen or conceived of.

Living in the south I’m learning to pronounce a few things differently. Four is foe, frosty is frawesty, and it’s uh orange.

Things that are going to disappear in the next fifty years: movie theaters and printed newspapers. More and more people such as myself prefer viewing DVD’s at home as opposed to driving to the theater, dealing with crowds, overpriced tickets and concessions, and the inability to pause when you want to answer the call of nature, or have a smoke or whatever. And newspapers, well that’s a no-brainer with the internet being a more thorough and searchable source of news. However books are here to stay. People read something like 75% faster on paper than they do on screen, not to mention the portability and collectability factors. However the portability factor is on its way out, as cell phones and pda’s merge into one device wherein books can be downloaded right to your device and read wherever and whenever so long as electronic devices are permitted in the area you are in and you’ve got battery left.

The talk show has been delayed until October, to allow more preparation. Felt rushed to me from the get go.

Grand Magus Lola, I’m getting bored. Wanna come out and play? Either way your kindness and generosity has been truly impressive, and I wish you the best of luck, though you don’t need it. I almost wish I had chosen your path for myself.

Beauty is not skin deep, and while you can’t judge a book by its cover, a person’s face has on it everything you need to know. Beauty is also not a one trick mule, you can choose to work with what you got and be the best you, or try to force what you got into being the best somebody else.

Appreciate your life. There are more distractions and luxuries available in this day and age than ever before. Pre-recorded music, affordable art supplies, movies, television, internet, and radio all to while away the hours. Some of which can be experienced and enjoyed at the same time. Let us also not forget our many time saving devices we can have: cars, microwaves, computers, coffeemakers, washing machines, driers, hair driers, electric irons, refrigerators, and so on. And then there are a few things that just make our life more pleasant: deodorant. It’s possible for one to live alone, have a job, and still have considerable time for both entertainment and sleep as so little time is needed to maintain the house nowadays.

The was a brief game, as there always is one this time of year, but it only lasted maybe three weeks. I suspect there is a connection between the game, the new 1=4, and the empathic waves. The game coming from changes in their lives, and the empathic waves coming from releases of their emotions, and owing their age, it makes sense that now that they are out of puberty and high school that such drama would settle.

I still want my own Enterprise, lightsaber and/or terminator.

Hypothesis: if you took 10,000 Libras and put them in a hall, you’d have a fairly interesting conversation. Add one Scorpio and you’d have a riot.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, High School is a horrible thing to do to today’s youth. There, you are expected to act like an adult, be treated like a kid, and come out of it after four years perfectly normal. How can you expect somebody to act like an adult, when you don’t treat them like one? Adult– Experience – Maturity = Kid … or somemut like that.

Bought myself some birthday presents: a Seagate Barracuda 7200.8 300GB 7200rpm Sata 150 hard drive, a pair of green round ide cables, dragonish fan grills, and copper heat spreaders for my ram. I also got a TV tuner/pvr card, but it doesn’t do antenna very well, so I might get a different brand or wait until I have cable. So far with those heat spreaders I’ve achieved a stable 10% overclock with the cpu temping out at 45°C under a full load according to Easy Tune 5. Further might require more boosts in voltage, which I might try at a later date. I’m sure I could push the cpu further if I could modify the clock timer.

Unlimited long distance is a wonderful byproduct of the internet and cell phones. Now I can call my mother, Yammer and Kelly and talk as long as I wish, or more like till they have to go to bed. Just something to do with my time between work. Without broadband, playing d&d, or the ability to talk in my room at any hours (my room is next to the two other bedrooms), watching movies has been my primary form of entertainment. I’m getting a tape recorder to solve the book dictation problem however.

I’ve signed up as an affiliate to sell satellite tv systems, so if you’re interested in getting satellite tv, you can help support Flight 29 (and me) at the same time. Two to choose from: http://www.allsat.com/?kbid=8374 for Dish Network, and for DirecTV: http://www.isatellite.com/?kbid=2327. Banner links found on the index page.

The internet is still in such a state of infancy. Mark my words it’s obvious that, PDA’s, cell phones, digital cameras, tape recorders, and portable audio players (read: iPod or walkman) are merging all into one device; television, radio, DVD players, and CD Players and computers are slowly merging into one device; Soon television will be just another part of the internet; As soon as broadband is fast enough and high quality hardware is cheap enough, web cams with voice will go into wide use and may replace the telephone; The internet is a place to be social, to share information, to get entertained, and to do business. Too bad business wise it tends to lend itself to monopoly’s such as eBay, Amazon, and Netflix.. In the next twenty years or so I expect unlimited long distance, true high speed broadband (10Mbps/1.5Mbps), and high definition television all to come on one line and one bill. I expect to be able to check my messages (videomail, and email), watch my favorite shows, watch a movie, on one device anywhere I am and at my convenience. Holodecks that can at least be seen not necessarily touched are an eventuality, but probably not in my lifetime. So are hard drives that are so big that entire rental houses worth of HD movies can be stored. I’d expect those in the next thirty years. 3,200 terabytes, baby!

Here’s a radical idea for ya’: Let us disband our military to the point where we can only defend ourselves, and surrender the remaining hardware and troops to the UN. The UN needs to be the world’s police force, not us. It’s that simple.

I wholeheartedly agree with whomever it was that said that our national budget needs some adult supervision. Spend on the war, spend on Katrina, tax cuts for everyone. Meanwhile gas prices at around $3 a gallon, which will raise the cost of transportation for everyone, which will raise the cost of goods, which will force the raising of wages which means inflation. Good in the long run for those in debt, like me. De-liquefy your assets and invest. Companies working on finding new oil sources, and building oil related equipment as well as construction companies sound like good investments.

If Elvis is King, and Bruce Springsteen is the boss, then who’s in charge? Mona!

8/24/05 Wednesday 4132

Well I’ve moved now. The new house is alright, but we’re in an area that doesn’t offer broadband in either DSL or cable, so that means satellite or dial up. Satellite is too expensive right now, so we’re on dialup. Average connection speed is between 19 and 28k and as low as 2.4k! So I’m not going to be online much past checking email every couple of days. Lots of doors in this place. Six in my bedroom alone. A herd of cows are among our next door neighbors.

The Five Rings game is won! Mr. Bones has done it. I made many mistakes along the way, but the game was well played. One more life quest complete, and to be honest that one was the easiest.

To my own surprise, I’ve only seen episode III once, and thought it alright. Most loose ends tied up nicely, but it felt outright like a rushed project.

HP VI was good. I think V was the best yet though.

I’m almost 30, and am feeling a bit more age creeping in to this body. I’ve lost a considerable amount of endurance when it comes to going without sleep. Now if I get less than 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night, my eyes hurt, and I feel drowsy all day. What happened to older people needing less sleep? I noticed my hormones backed off a bit at 26, and I was grateful.

Ya’ know, I have this 21” monitor, and it’s fucking awesome. Perfect for watching dvd’s. My brother, Sean, tells me that it is too big, that it is fucking huge. I say, yeah, that’s the point… If you spend every waking hour, that’s not in some shithole job, you might as well have the best. With a 1600 X 1400 resolution at 75 Hz, I’m not bad off.

The family has decided to start our own film company. Raven Films. So far we’ve got a paintball documentary in the works, and we will be making an half-hour long talk show that will only appear on the local and independent television station, the star network. Christopher Martin aka Play (of kid n’ play), I believe, has agreed to be our first guest. I am the company webmaster. www.ourfilmstore.com

My reply to a post in my Kate Maberly forum about the London shooting of a fleeing terror suspect:

Innocent life you say? Running from the cops, regardless of what you did, makes you guilty of running. Granted that doesn't carry the death penalty with it, normally.

If I saw someone running from uniformed police, and I had something that lead me to believe the fleeing suspect poses a danger to myself or others, I might move to stop.

The tragedy of 9-11 cannot happen again for at least another two decades. If people were to attempt to hijack any flight, regardless of how well armed they are, and regardless of their stated reasons were, I can't imagine every person able to get up and walk, that was aware of 9-11 and emotionally affected, getting up and beating the living snot out of every last hijacker on board. And they'd have to kill the pilots. There's no way around that.

Facts are, racial profiling works. Racial profiling is not just. I get the feeling that we are going to have to change mentalities to something like total warfare on terrorism, or suffer many more attacks in the next several decades.

Terrorists are using the means they have at their disposal to accomplish their goals which I interpret to be twofold: to get the infidels out of their holy lands, and to have the right to practice their barbaric interpretation of the holy scripts without judgment or consequence from the outside world. Neither of which we (America, Britain, and most of the rest of the powerful nations) are inclined to acquiesce to.

Since these organizations are not governments for the most part, our ability to act in the traditional sense is limited. Which is also why their means are limited.

Fear is their short term goal, and their hope that we will concede to their demands. America does not concede to fear, only money. We abide wrongdoings on other government's parts if they pose no military threat to us or our allies. Iraq

posed a military threat by invading Kuwait. Cuba posed a military threat by allowing missiles to come there. We still do not trade with Cuba, but we trade with countries that are perhaps as bad such as China, Liberia and Peru.

I'm sure we would leave their holy lands and never return, if asked by those governments who control those territories. And if they insisted on giving women no rights, we would allow that, but we might no longer trade with them as much. And we would leave them completely alone, if there was no chance of them building weapons of mass destruction, as we are moral enough to have them since we give women and minorities rights and privileges and we invented them in the first place.

As it stands now, I'm quite convinced that if a person or group of persons could get their hands on about 20oz weapon grade uranium or plutonium, they could set off a nuclear weapon in just about any city in the US. Of course such an action would set us into a total war mentality, which is what they don't want (questions remains: do they know that they don't want that to happen?).

So what would a total war mentality entail? I suspect it would mean a police state much like Poland during the cold war. It would mean our ground troops marching into the territories north-east of Afghanistan, bordering with Pakistan, and capturing or killing nearly all whom live there (the reason we don't go there in force is our projected casualty rate is probably something like 4 to 1). Régime change in Iran, North Korea, and maybe a few others.

One real pet peeve of mine, his web sites that have any sort of voice, music, or sound without a way to immediately shut them off. There's no excuse for this. Usually if it's a looping midi file, or some other music there's a control panel right there. But lately I've seen these flash animations with a face and it's speaking and there's no way to turn it off; to shut it the fuck up. I know I can turn flash off altogether, but it would sure be nice if Macromedia with include a stop button on the right-click menu (it would be better still if the webmasters would just respect our desire for silence).

What would happen if no one was born or died in this day and age for a few weeks and the media caught wind of it? Monarchy.

If I had enough money, I’d start a Wiccan credit union, and our slogan would be, “Jesus saves, so should you.” Perhaps that would better off being a discordian credit union.

I also really can’t stand DVD’s that have part that can’t be forwarded through, previews that come before the root menu, and optional scenes without a ‘play all’ option.

The first, last, and only time traveler’s convention was held in May 7, 2005 CE, 10:00pm EDT (08 May 2005 02:00:00 UTC) (events start at 8:00pm) East Campus Courtyard, MIT 3 Ames St. Cambridge, MA USA 02142 42:21:36.025°N, 71:05:16.332°W (42.360007,-071.087870 in decimal degrees). Figured I’d add to the redundancy and announce that here. Time travelers may have shown up, but none announced themselves as such.

Heaven in Europe is a place where the British are the policemen, the French are the cooks, the Germans are the engineers, the Italians are the lovers and the Swiss run the place.

And hell is where the British are the cooks, the French are the engineers, the Germans are the policemen, the Swiss are the lovers and the Italians run the place.

You don’t have to call me sir.

4/29/05 Friday 2906

Boy, that keyboard really sucked. At first the arrow keys stopped working, then the delete key and the spacebar button also failed. So now it's unplugged and I'm back to the PS/2 and having uninstall the drivers every time I reboot.

The five rings game has successfully started. There are only five major battles in the five rings game that I intentionally try to wipe out the party or at least some of its members. The first one is against a group of cloud giants. However, seeing as how we had 11 characters who are all fairly well-rounded, I beefed it up by adding overseers, directors, two holder mages, one regular beholder and a few other beholder kin; those with mixed with four great wyrm red dragons left the party with two characters at one point. I did well. Those two characters were left standing, will get their comeuppance in the next battle, he he he.

Lots of good fiction I'm looking forward to now, Star Wars Episode III, the sixth Harry Potter book, and Zorro 2. I will definitely be scheduling out of work when Star Wars comes out. I'm rereading Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix so I miss less when I read the next book coming out. I'm also looking forward to Jurassic Park 4, Terminator 4, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, X-men 3, and Star Trek 11 but they aren't coming out next summer or even later.

You know, I'd really like to know why of all places South Korea has faster broadband and we do. Congress and the FCC really have to get it together. There's no reason for America to lose the broadband race.

Right now time has become my most valuable commodity: I have several hours to prepare for each five rings game session, I'm rebuilding Kate Maberly's Flight 29 in Dreamweaver, working on Our Film Store, job hunting, and teaching cormy.

I purchased a Sound Blaster live! 24-bit PCI soundcard, and hopefully it'll be here sometime next week. This will increase the quality of my music, theoretically, and will likewise do the same for DNS 8.0. We shall see. Also finally broke down and bought some arctic silver 5, as my computer became unstable at 50° C on a very hot day last week. Hopefully that will improve temperature over the Radio Shack silicon paste that I have.

I've been searching high and low for some sort of online employment, mainly to avoid the commute to work. I know there's gotta be companies out there that need people to work for them and don't need them to have to come into the office; work that can be done at home such as stuffing envelopes, typing, etc. but where to find such company, bugger me. Many of the online employment things I've found so far, seemed to be nothing more than scams. They want you to buy their training kit, or some other schlike like that, usually costing $300 or more. Others involve telemarketing, spamming, or other forms of selling on the Internet. I refuse to be a telemarketer or a commercial spammer.

One of the girls at work, Ashley, I knew in the past life; the one with me as Stephen, my daughter Caroline, etc. This Ashley was also named Ashley then, and Caroline today takes her namesake. Interesting how those circles go.

Bad news, we currently rent a house here in Yanceyville, North Carolina, and the owners are selling it. So that means we have until June 30th to move out. I don't know what this'll mean for my rent or for my family's budget. The very worst case scenario can fall two ways: I could be forced to get my own place somewhere around here which would put an enormous strain on my very finite budget, or I could move back up to New Jersey with my mother. New Jersey has the benefits of having a few of my friends closer to me, much cheaper rent (living with my mother that is), and familiarity. But New Jersey is a place that harbors many deep and strong painful emotions... in a word: Stef. I still love with her, and I hate her for it. If I were to ever see her again, I don't know what I would do. The very thought makes my heart race. My emotions with regards to her are still so strong that I really can't stand to face them.

Check out my new weapon, weapon of choice.

4/15/05 Friday 2764

Wow, what a jump in hits.

Looks like a Five Rings of Power Campaign may be finally starting. Bill from work, his brother, Dustin, and his friend, Matt, have signed on, we met up once and started characters. Pat and Rob are also signed on. The party seems sound character wise, and these three players seem like they’ve got role-playing down, but need to work on learning 2^nd edition. They’ve been playing that poor excuse for an rpg called ad&d 3^rd edition. Two weeks and we start. So far we have Robert's four characters, Boen, Bones, Breya, and Sindal; Patrick's three, Zet, Snuck, and a Durch; Bill's conjurer; Matt's martial artist/psionicist; and Dustin's ranger/thief.

For those of you like me like to make legal backups of your dvd’s as they can easily get scratched and such, I recommend a program called Auto Gordian Knot. It needs to be combined with DVD Decrypter, which rips your dvd to your hard drive. Another method, rips and burns direct to dvd rather than changing format to xvid or divx: DVD for Free mixed with DVD Shrink. For music, nothing beats Free Rip mp3. All of which is freeware. No cost, no serials to buy, etc. All downloadable on the web. I’ll let you do your own search for the stuffs. Just highlight, and use a right click to search.

I think everybody should smoke for seven years. I really think it should be only six years but I threw in an extra year for safety: Nicotine has been shown to slow down the progress of Alzheimer's disease. If everybody quit smoking after seven years the medical problems would be fewer. They should continue outlawing smoking in public places such as restaurants, shopping malls, stores, etc. but continued to allow smoking in cars and outside in general, not to mention your own home of course. This would keep the tobacco farmers, companies, and lobbyists in business.

I can come up with a solution for any problem, but it won't always be necessarily implementable but in my opinion it will be the best solution for all parties concerned, based on the information that I have already. Never keep information from a mentat!

I've got Dragon NaturallySpeaking 8.0 preferred installed and running as I speak, pun intentional. With my Andrea ANC-750 PC Stereo Headset, and onboard sound chip (ALC850) it's working rather well. It does mistake some words, such as there, bills, not, it's, etc. as the artificial intelligence has only the context to work with. It also needs two AAA batteries to power it. Right now I am more focused on D&D rather than my book or anything else, but for just chatting instant messenger (Yahoo), and from dictating this and the previous two paragraph I can tell it is saving me a lot of time. Not to mention my back appreciates this; I sit back and relax in a comfy chair without bending over to the keyboard or mouse. Now if only I had a coffee maker that had a USB port or an ethernet port, life would be grand. Eventually the whole house will be wireless I predict. All appliances will run on Bluetooth. You'll not only have a desktop, but shall also have some sort of mobile machine, and your house will have its own central computer that will control things such as the thermostat, laundry timing, cooking timing, television recording, etc. Voice recognition technology is the way the future. It's an eventuality. On my computer right now it's using about 145 MB of ram and as much as 50% of the CPU's power. I figure in about 10 years such parts will cost about two dollars. The software is still the expensive, ranging from $99 for the basic edition, to over $600 for the multi-license multiuse corporate edition. With the way economics works, such prices are not likely to ever fall as they continue upgrade the software. But eventually, all of our larger appliances/tools will in some way be able to accept voice commands, such as a coffee maker I dream about.

After corresponding with gigabyte over my keyboard, they asked if I was using a usb mouse with my ps2 keyboard. I was, so I figured the problem was with their engineering, and not my hardware, so I went a ahead and bought a usb keyboard. I’ve got an HK-8203 usb keyboard with a 2 port hub and programmable keys. It’s light weight, noisy, and has a small backspace button, but otherwise a steal for the price: $10 with free 2 day shipping. It’s a lot easier to type on than Sean’s iMac keyboard, or my old one. Words seem to flow from me to it with the gentlest of ease. However, the drivers came on the floppy and my floppy drive is out of service. The drivers on the web site say they support XP but XP says they don't. So as of now I don't have use of the USB hub, and some of the buttons namely those to the right of the qwerty part of the keyboard don't work correctly. On some boots the page up, page down, arrow keys, and number keys will interspersedly not work.

I now have an opinion on school vouchers: the parents of children who attend private school should have their taxes that help pay for the local public school cut. Those would be the local property taxes for the most part. Non-public schools often still get state funding, so those taxes should not be reduced. This should be done as a rebate, and with an application fee to pay for the additional public employee cost. Public education works if it has the funding.

On Wednesday the 16^th of march, my 9 hour shift was increased to an 11 hour shift, cause I had to help put the truck away, cause we got a double delivery, as in a delivery for another location: the stop before us came to us, because the police wouldn't let them deliver there, cause it was a crime scene, cause they were robbed at gunpoint as the truck arrived. I no longer consider being robbed at gunpoint a possibility, but an eventuality.

Removed one picture from gallery by request of the subject. Replaced it with seti@home certificate. Need the correct (ACDSee 3.x) or new software to redo gallery.

The correct answer in my humble opinion is still ‘finger-paint’.

3/14/05 Monday 1924

I’m gearing up to start writing with Dragon Naturally Speaking 8.0 preferred. I’m winning a bid for a headset, but it looks like I need a sound pod, which is an external sound card, as the internal on mainboard soundcards tend to have too much electrical interference to support such sensitive voice information. Almost sounds like a gip. You gotta spend money to make money.

Found an interesting bug wi me motherboard. I adjusted the volume and base directly on my speakers, and the sound went dead! Logically, I thought my speakers just gave up the ghost, but luckily it wasn’t to be the case. After replugging them in to the mainboard, a program came up, and asked me what kinda device was connected. Finally, like Macintoshes, my pc can any device plugged in the back any which way, and software dictates which way the driver will interpret it. In other words, I can have a microphone in the line-out port if I wished. But that program wasn’t what I needed to work with. Some part of the machine decided to turn the windows master volume down to zero. Like Captain Scott said in Star Trek III “The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain.”

I finally figured out the ending to my main novel. The working title is Magus or The Saga of Timber. Hey Dave, what was that gypsy’s name again?

Root Doctor is now for sale on eBay, as is my Dad’s Blue Water documentary. Mothertime is now available through me. See Flight 29 for details.

Adapted most if not all of the pages on this site for the frames geocities is now putting their advertisement in. I prefer the popup as it uses less screen real estate, can be closed, and stays at the top if you scroll down. The downside however, is it makes it more difficult for your browser to navigate.

I’ve got the hydrogen peroxide blues.

3/4/05 Friday 1866

Gotta new case by Raidmax HTX-268wbp (it’s black and shiny), 1 gig (2 X 512MB) PC3200 DDR400 corsair value select VS1GBKIT400, Athlon 64 3200+ (90nm Winchester core), Gigabyte GA-K8NXP-SLI motherboard, eVGA e-GeForce 6600 256MB PCI express graphics card, NEC ND-3520A dvd burner, and Athena AGPB Dual Ceramic fan 500W AP-P4ATX50F12. Still have a few bugs to work out, the ethernet card doesn’t sign on with the switch while booting and sometimes takes a few minutes to connect, and the keyboard doesn’t work at all in windows.

Next steps include a TV tuner card or device, another gig of ram, a >200GB Sata HDD, Dragon Naturally Speaking 8.x, a freezer 64 or other cpu cooler, some arctic silver 5, and maybe a few video games to give this rig a real test. I also might upgrade the ram for better overclocking, get graphics cards for sli mode (but only if I find a game I really like that can use it), a better cpu, a psu with active pfc, so in other words only the burner and case are here to stay.

I was thinking about installing windows XP x64 on my rebuilt machine, however after reading a bit about it I’ve come to terms with that being a bad idea. For one thing many of the drivers I might need might not yet be made. For another, all 16-bit processes will no longer function. Microshaft simply says it’s doing housekeeping by removing the last remnants of dos. But what the hell about all of the programs and games that are still used.

Broke the 500 mark on seti@home work packets.

A friend of the family, Chris, called last week at 3am. Now we are a family of film makers, so Chris calling at 3am is easily seen as an oversight, after all he could be in LA, London, or you name it and simply lost track of time. Now when he called I was here, in front of my computer where I normally am if I’m not sleeping or at work, and I had just shifted in my seat as my entire right leg had gone numb to the point where I couldn’t move it. I don’t remember what I was doing but it must’ve been very engrossing. Anyway, he called to speak to my father so begrudgingly told him to hold on as I got up, struggling to maintain my balance, to go knock on the parents door. Dad was on the phone, I hung up, and went back to whatever it was, and after a bit decided to go out for a smoke. As I was leaving the office (where my computer is) dad was exiting his room and briefly explained to my enquiring brother that Chris thought he was having a heart attack! Rob, dad and I saddled up in the Jeep in about 30 seconds flat and drove there with an average ground speed of about 60mph in the posted 35 zone. nefarious

Dad ran into the house, Robert and I waited outside as one by one the first response units arrived, and an ambulance. Chris called dad rather than 911 first for various reasons, including not knowing which hospital to go to as the local Danville hospital has a very poor reputation. Well he wound up not having a choice as the ambulance company had to take him to the nearest one. That is after it got unstuck from muddy grass in Chris’s front yard by way of a tow chain and one of the four wheel drive first response vehicles.

From there we went home briefly to grab books, as who knows how much time we would spend waiting in the hospital not being able to see or be with Chris. Coffee, tea and a pizza for me was also made before we made our way to the hospital. Upon arriving we were immediately allowed to see him which was a little surprising as we were not immediate family, and while he looked scared and was in pain, he seemed good, and we could clearly see on the heart monitor that his ticker was pumping away as it should. Some of his family arrived, and as the hospital only permits two visitors per patient at a time, so I bowed out and went to the lobby. I tried to read some of my book but it just wasn’t the right mood at the time and went outside briefly for a smoke. It was there that a nurse started talking to me, asked me what I did for a living, so I told her the bold truth that I work for Wendy’s, but she dug further, expecting there to be more to me than meets the eye. Okay, so I told her I was a writer and briefly went into the plot of my novel, and she seems extremely interested and exceptionally friendly. At first I thought it just a bit curious, but dismissed it from my mind. I came back into the lobby and shortly one of his relatives came out, so I asked her how Chris was, and there was no change just the typical hospital line of “running tests”. Well she and I got to talking as she too was an author in the making…

The point here, is Chris is a celebrity, recognizable by quite a few on sight but I’ve never seen him as a celebrity, just another person my dad works with. That might change if I ever decide to take a look at some of his past works, but none of it is in any genre I fancy. So it didn’t even occur to me that the nurse associated the two of us, and thought I was someone important. There was another nurse while I was there with him that asked for his autograph. Talk about tact, talk about timing. Mensch. Turned out Chris didn’t have a cardiac event, but he might have had a blood clot somewhere in the lungs.

How annoying! Yahoo has that side menu as a popup rather than its traditional unblockable popup now. Really takes away from the overall quality of any page on their servers.

On a universal note, I’ve been dealing with a closet problem. Not a coming out of, nor any skeletons, just a few nightmares.

Ride on the peace train!

1/29/05 Saturday 1662

Wouldn’t it be interesting if ambulances had a loudspeaker that said “excuse me, pardon me” rather than a siren.

A hate shoes. I wear open toed flip-flops aka sandals or florida shoes whenever I can get away with it. By getting away with it I mean when it’s not too cold. It’s not the shoes I don’t like it socks and they way the fabric interacts with the hairs on my foot, and the elastic cuts off the circulation. Despite such a conviction I will not give up my briefs for boxers.

And speaking of getting away with sandals, it’s January in North Carolina and we’re opening windows to cool off. Mother nature hate’s being predictable. I wouldn’t be surprised if we’re in an ice age by the end of the century.

I’ve wanted to add The Lexx (megashadow) vs. The Deathstar in my versus section, but I already know the answer: which ever fires first.

My computer is now three years old and it’s time for an upgrade. I once again want to have the fastest machine on the block. Right now, and always, budget is a factor. New case is a must and already ordered. I’m thinking new motherboard (maybe going Athlon64 Winchester core, socket 939), and 2 gigs of DDR400 dual channel. I could also use a new graphics card, as the all-in-blunder Radeon only has 32MB, and I want at least 128MB. I’m letting fate of won or lost auctions on eBay determine in the end what I get for the most part.

Boy did I ever speak too soon about my sleep walkers! Trop tard sera le cri. Last night (1/12/05) a psychic scream was let out, resulting in the releasing massive amounts of energy. This has proven the game is not over, as my mother was fired a couple of days ago, a friend of mine is in the middle of a private little war, and I've gone on an online shopping spree?! Already ordered the graphics card, along with several DVD’s.

I’ve discovered that I like The Terminator series more than both Star Trek and Star Wars. It is pretty much my favorite all-time series, but only by a small margin.

I’ve disconfirmed the connection between mercury and the game. The game continues. My mother lost her job, the psychic scream, a couple of women contacting me via various groups (might have to shake them with a baker street bruise), Cormy’s war, and drama in general at work and home.

I’ve never before had so much trouble buying online, or maybe it’s just DVD’s in general. Now three sellers have given me trouble, two on eBay one on Amazon. One’s trying to raise price to combine shipping, two others shipped the wrong ones (full screen instead of wide screen) and wal-mart had the wrong price in computer so I had to wait for ten minutes to get my money back.

Addicted to Civ III again for a bit. If you’ve never played, it’s kinda like risk, monopoly, SimCity all rolled into one. Conquer the world in a number of ways…

Listening to Chumbawamba a lot lately. At work a bit of their song, Get Off My Cloud came into my mind, and I found it most disturbing. It gave me chills, metaphorically speaking. After listening to it at home I realized that it was not the song that bothered me, but a memory of hearing voices in utero and the muffled way they sounded and my memory of having just died and confusion of what’s going on. Small brains do not allow for much higher thought without extreme concentration. Next time, if ever, that I find myself in utero I will be less afraid, and I will try to remember how it feels, whether it really is as warm and comfy as it is said to be.

I’ve gone from being on a cake and ice cream kick to Ellio’s frozen pizza. The super wal-mart has them for less than $2.50

Stephen! Caroline!

12/31/04 Friday 1497

Updated the gallery. Added six pictures, and deleted two. Rearranged order to put more pics of me in the front.

I finally confirmed the connection of the games and mercury being in retrograde, thanks in part to this website http://www.astrologycom.com/mercret.html so now I can know start, end and theme. It’s also the source of the D&D doldrums. The mixing of technology and magick is just beginning. Granted, hardware will never beat human capacity for magickal ability, but will surpass it in other ways. Similarly, the human brain can think and the electronic cannot, but the human brain cannot do calculus nearly as fast as the electronic. Hopefully the two will never be made mortal enemies. So far, the electronic magicians have kept it under wraps, a wise decision.

In case I haven’t already mentioned this, I work on this update page slash blog constantly. I don’t think I could write all of this at once.

Well Christmas came and went. First one I’ve ever spent with the Corbetts. Got everything I wanted, or at least everything that I asked for. Santa can’t bring me what I really want.

I’ve discovered my name in the life with Carla was Stephen, and my daughter was Caroline. Stephen had already come to me, and was confirmed, as it was right there in APP. Carla, Jeffery Hammond-Hammond, myself, Dave, and two others mused APP. My dragon’s adopted sister, Elisshae is also sorta there in the second forest dance.

I’ve been thinking about all those people, namely classmates and my mother that have in the past, and might still in the present tell me to get a life. It’s always been hard for me to clearly place what it means to have a life, or to be a man or normal for that matter. I know define one as having a life when one finds that sleep is an inconvenience. Don’t get me wrong, a good night’s sleep is necessary for vitality, and rather pleasant. But if you don’t have time for it, you have a life, even if it’s not the one you want. So to have a life is to not be idle, and not to be unhappy.

The dark priest and some of his followers of the cult in my past in France have been shown the true meaning of necromancy. I feel so much lighter now that that karma has been paid in full.

Mission complete. The somnambulists no longer walk, and their train has been re-railed on track A. The re-railment may not be the best choice, but if I were Carla, that’d be what I want. But she’s dead, and the present incarnation may not agree, but alas, as is the nature of the situation, she is not making informed decisions. The upside is fulfillment of a dream. The downsides include more telepathic/empathic waves, however I can stop them if I pay attention, and slower evolution of the soul, particularly for Carla. I think from having ran this mission, that I will not again in this life want to date a sleeper.

17^17= 827,240,261,886,336,764,177=the number of patterns in the web. Learn them all, and learn them well. Then you are free.

I finally have Windows XP Pro, w SP2. More power. More stability. More microsoft fool-proofing to get around.

All your best friends' telephones never cooled from the heat of your hand.

There's / a line in a front-page story / 13 horses that also-ran.

Climb in your old umbrella.

Does it have a nasty tear in the dome?

12/21/04 Tuesday 1448

In nature vs. nurture, nature won. Twin studies have proven that. When reincarnating, people are wholly different, but their essence is the same. I’ve finally concluded that the most malleable part of the human experience is perspective. That can be changed at will. That is what parents must focus on. That is what I must focus on. My perspective. That, and the condition of my condition.

I used to think that it was my personality that changed every few days or so, but it was my perspective. The vibration of who I am doesn’t seem to change all that much to others, but to myself it changes frequently. It goes to show how true the Japanese concept of us having four faces is. We have the face we show others, the face others see, the face we see, and the face others see us wanting to show. Make them all match.

I wish to understand the secrets of self-esteem, musing,

I love coffee. Figured I mention that, as I also wanted to mention the background color of this webpage is meant to be coffee with cream. I used to have that mentioned on the Goodly document. Red 225, Green 215, Blue 154 aka #f5d79e. Not that I think anyone other than an annoying cartoon bear cares. I’d like that bear to meet a friend of mine. He’s coo coo for carrion puffs. He’s a human autobot/animee. And our mutual friend, Ogre. Buh-bye bear.

I also love cake and ice cream. Lately, since I’m on a low fat lacto-vegetarian diet, I’ve been eating cake and ice cream for entire meals. And as suits my nature, I tend to eat only one to two meals a day, and sometimes to the point of moo.

I know these updates don’t make a whole lotta sense to most, but then again most aren’t Dave. I’m taking my chaos out for a walk, and hopefully it won’t track mud on the carpet when it’s time to come back it. (Which begs the question: why is your mind carpeted? Which would receive the counter question of: Why, do you want carpeting too?)

I stopped smoking cigars in lieu of cigarettes. They are so much cheaper here. Cigarettes are safer than cigars cancer wise, but they carry with them part and parcel of the energy wave that smokes causes cancer. While that’s not true the way it’s worded, everyone knows that smoking contributes to cancer. At least I’ve survived having Gemini.

I’ve tried quitting before, and found my creativity bottomed out. Maybe I’ll quit when I’m rich.

Energy waves. Bah. Christianity, Wicca, and all of the other religions are based on energy waves of like thought. Tune in to belong. Be a hermit, and plow your own way I say. Bring God along for the ride, and you’ll be spat out of this universe as a reject.

I’m thinking about moving someplace south and high such as the highlands of Georgia. All of the evidence suggests global warming is in full swing, and as a result frozen water melts. When frozen water melts, we have more surface water, and thus less heat retention. Which means rapid cooling or ice age. Then the white surface area also reflects much of the sun’s energy, which keeps it cold.

I’m also waiting for a few sequels to be made, such as planet of the apes 2, and lost in space 2. They led us to believe there were going to be sequels, so on with it already. I’m also looking forward to Jurasik Park 4 and Terminator 4.

Well now it seems that cholesterol is not the gooey menace that causes myocardial infarction (heart attacks), but a protein and infection. Butter is better than hydrogenated vegetable anything, so no more country crock for me. And speaking of hearts, I’ve finally opened up my heart chakra after many years of havening/leaving it closed. While being cold-hearted makes life significantly easier, and enables me to deal with some issues better, an open heart is part of my new quests I thinks. I’ve already noticed a huge difference in my emotions, particularly the love I feel for others.

I’ve had a great epiphany; I’ve realized that for years, I’ve wanted to be other people. Well, duh, hence the role-playing. But my desire was to be everyone. I read a self-help book years ago with a spiritual bent containing stuffs similar to the Rosicrucian tradition. The end statement in the book was, you are God. Something about that rang true. Obviously I’m not God directly, and most likely neither are you. But… Anyway the conclusion I drew last night was that that is God’s desire. He is everyone. I’ve come one step closer into solving the great mystery of why are we here. The other part of the epiphany was that, my theme song isn’t mine. I’m not main muse to A Passion Play, the girl from my past life, Clara or Carla, or whatever is. And my daughter is Chateau D’Isaster. This gives me more reason to seek them out in this life.

After several years of missing my favorite Tull album apart from A Passion Play, the Tull album that astonishingly turned me onto the band in general, Under Wraps, (as grammar flies out the window for this sentence) I ordered and received it off of amazon.com. Yea for me. This contributed to the epiphany. I need a new theme song now.

Re-arranged some of the topics on the about me page, namely trying to put my best foot forward.

But the rain only gets in some-times, and the sun never leaves you alone. You alone. You alone. You alone. You alone. You alone.

12/11/04 Saturday 1375

I was listening to a radio program on NPR the other night, and they were discussing the UN. It occurred to me that the callers to the program didn’t necessarily understand that the UN is not the world government. It’s essentially a treaty organization. Kofi Annan is not the world’s president. He has little power to make China be more humane. While I’d love to see us have a world government, most countries are not willing to give up their sovereignty. All men are created equal, but not all countries are. When poor countries can compete with the rich, whether it is by not being so poor, or more likely by alliance then we can have a world government. Money makes the world go round’. Money dictates politics to a great extent. Money, and what the majority of people are willing to stand up for and cry out “that ain’t right!” dictate politics.

I’ve updated, all about me, this page, my family history, Universal Law, Laws of Magick, stories, the intro, and the contact page. I’ve added knowledge of two more past lives, and have tried to take the bitterness out of this page, and out of my life. My karma has been paid in full (still waiting for the receipt) and any further feelings I have are of my own making and to my own detriment. Time to move on, but in which direction. I’ve already chosen a lifetime of adventure, and the universe has been quick to the response. Things are now exactly the way I’d like for them to be, so please knock before you walk into my dream.

The blue thing from the ball leaves naught but a bloody footprint on the memory of last summer’s trip to Europe.

12/9/04 Thursday 1350

Whoa! Page bandwidth allocation exceeded! Someone musta been looking at the picture gallery. It’s going to be redone soon.

Angie, go away, and leave me alone, don’t come back. I do not wish to have any more contact with you, in this or any other lifetime. This is a close to a polite request that I’m going to muster.

After reading this from a third party perspective, oi I am a nut aren’t I? Oh well, go to hell if don’t like it. JB=8)

My aunt died of cancer. She was cremated. My uncle is devastated and my cousin is in a state of denial. My mother seems fine. She was there at the last moments. I’m okay, as there was plenty of warning. My grandparents seemed worse of all; after all you never expect to bury your children. I drove the ten hours up for the funeral. Spent six days in Jersey, three with Mike. Brought more of my stuff down. Maybe I’ll write more on this later, or elsewhere.

Life carries on at game speed.

11/27/04 Black Fri. 1253

Well, I’m now employed at a local Wendy’s franchise sad to say. There seems to be room to move up there, but I dunno if I wanna stick around long enough for that to happen. Work takes up much of my time and energy now.

The Kate site has been majorly updated with actual interviews with her voice recorded off of the radio. These were emailed to me with caveats to keep identity top secret. It’s cool to hear her non-stage voice. Gave me a new perspective as to her personality.

The latest game has been fun, and has rekindled my interest in the Mary-Kate and Ashley. It’s a karmatic thing as I knew them a couple of lifetimes ago… of course there’s a whole hell of a lot about it, but it’s not stuff for the web.

I just had a funny suspicion that my previous middle name was Anne. So that’d make her Allison Anne Parker. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to recall past life memories. Greater understanding of self leads to greater influence…

I just noticed that I’ve not yet mentioned the official divorce here. It’s because it’s so painful for me to even think about. The divorce took place at the top of august, and I was unceremoniously mailed my copy of the divorce certificate. I didn’t find the damn thing until about three weeks later as we don’t typically get main in the box, and use a PO box instead as we aren’t supposed to have mail delivery for some reason.

The first notice that she was suing me for divorce was delivered by way of sheriff’s deputy. The grounds were cruel treatment or something like that. Her reasons I thought were bogus, and if I had the money to pay the court to even enter a plea (that’s the people’s republic of New Jersey for you, one more reason for me to completely and utterly hate that state) I would’ve fought it and maybe counter sued. But I didn’t and my mother helped me come to the conclusion that fighting wouldn’t change it. I thought that with more time and more magick I could change the eventuality. I couldn’t.

I’m still madly, completely and utterly in love with her when I think about her, and yet I sense that I will have a girl friend by the end of the year. I feel that my emotions can be made to swing to another now. Damn you Oscar Wilde. I’m so fucking lonely and torn apart inside. It’s been a year since she told me she wanted a divorce, and I still want her, or perhaps anything now. Love is an addiction and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I’d hurt myself in the direst way to get rid of another pain, the pain of my longing heart.

I only write this to face my own, overpowering emotions. I heal quickly, but I know not how to deal with this. This is the first lifetime I’ve ever felt true love, and I dread to use infinitives. I have no experience in healing this much pain. I can kill with a thought, but not be with the one I love above all others. Go figure.

So, future gf, when you read this, know that my heart needs mending. Know that I may be lying to myself. Know that I am healed, only when my heart is completely yours. If you cannot or do not know when that is, just leave me be. Walk away or risk getting hurt like I am.

And Stef if you’re reading this: I’d like to know why? (Why you are reading this that is)

MK and or A if you’re reading this, then woo-hoo! I’ve known you in past life (ves) and would like to know you again in this one. I can help with what you’re going through in ways no others can, but alas that requires trust. Do you trust your gut? If so what does your gut say about me? Ignore your gut, as that can lie. Trust the pattern. In the pattern of your life, you will find Walk Into Light by Ian Anderson and Night Cap by Jethro Tull of much use, or something that you’ll listen to once and throw away.

Kate if you’re reading this, girl you’ve got some patience about you lol. Hi there. Everything I specifically want to say to you without taking up a whole page is found in the interruption below.

I am today missing my tenth year high-school reunion. Cash, and my poor timing for requesting time off has prevented me from going. I’ve been looking forward to it for ten years now. Oh well, one more regret to add to the list. Perhaps I’m avoiding another broken heart.

We interrupt this update with a spout of poetry:

Actari loves Bambari, like a tropical island volcano or a matchbox van. There’s something about the moon in his eyes. The ivory tower knows it well, and the garden has been kept. Now it is time to settle down, or perhaps by proxy, or by proxy too, to proxy do.

The fish has scales, or do the scales have the fish? If either has neither and if neither has either then will the blue ever have the green and vice versa? The red has the red, but that is not a four-letter word.

The plex was never played, and yet there remains a change of fate or perhaps just the fate of change casted long ago. The priest will be dead in this life, and the hidden one may go into further hiding after this play is played. Life is a game for the owners, and a hell for the players and the others. Own nothing and you shall have everything they say.

Actari loves Bambari, but may soon own nothing. The love will not fade, only change. So I ask but one thing, will there be teal or teardrop?

8/18/04 – Wed 904

Emotional conflicts:

Stef or no Stef: Part of me is still in love with her, and at this rate will always be, at least for this lifetime. The other part of me wants to move on. How can I be loyal to her if I take on another? How can I be true to myself if I take on another; I wanted to stop the tradition of serial polygamy that both of my birth parents have experienced. Divorce is a genetic disorder.

Would I take her back if she offered: she hurt more than anyone, in any lifetime has. She took my virginity while claiming she was one when she wasn’t. She promised to stay with me always, and she didn’t. She lied repeatedly about little things like being a vegetarian. But at the same time, I manipulated her feelings. We are both guilty of the marriage falling apart, but she wouldn’t even try to mend it. I dunno if I’d take her back, but if I did it would have two stipulations: we have sex five times a week and seek marriage counseling.

My desire to disincarnate versus going on. I normally die pretty young, but I don’t know if I feel like going threw another childhood so soon, and this lifetime has loads of interesting developments that have been mostly unprecedented. Despite that fact, my ultimate desire for this life was to be married, maybe have kids, but having the as near to perfect as possible relationship was it. That was all I wanted, well that and to go home. This lifetime feels like a spent cartridge or an empty wrapper. No value, but you still got to do something with it. Of course suicide is never an option, the karmic penalty of going back to the beginning of evolution is much longer than I want to wait to go home.

To date or not to date. Aside from my afore mentioned loyalty to my wife, and dislike of serial polygamy (I only date with the idea of eventual marriage), my heart is no longer mine, I have tremendous emotional baggage, and I’m no longer a virgin and feel guilty about it. I feel as though I would have robbed a significant other/ future wife of something that should be rightfully hers. I feel likewise about dating non-virgins, but I can live with it as so many Americans surprisingly do.

Thinking about things in general and having a conversation with my dad I’ve come to some possible answers to a possible modern puzzle. Granted you might have heard this elsewhere, and I’m not saying I believe in aliens or ufo’s but a logical conclusion to what we are seeing is they are not a centrally organized government or corporate force. UFO reports indicate that they have many different makes and models of ships. Their ship could be like cars, boats, and airplane where we have many makes and models which would imply a very advanced industrial machine. Or it could be that they have massive robotics technology that can custom build each craft.

My suspicion stemming from this is that these ufo’s are a mixed bag of visitors, maybe part scientist, part evangelist, part tourist, part? Just a thought. In case you’re wondering, to date I have never had a close encounter of any kind.

Made an Old Blind Dogs Yahoo! Group http://launch.groups.yahoo.com/group/OldBlindDogs/, as I couldn’t find any out there. Yahoo! Kills groups if nothing happens in them after a while. And since I might have to go offline for a while, that’s not good news for me. I might lose some groups, have to reset some of my webpages, and might lose some webrings, loose some money on the Hollywood stock exchange, all to being offline.

So much for nod32 beta. It damaged IE 6, and since I’m running windows98se, it damaged windows. I’ve reinstalled windows, but not nod32. I emailed them about it a week ago or so, and they didn’t get back to me. No wonder they are not a best seller.

If I go offline for a while, that means I’ve had to move. Where I’m going from here, well, if you know me then you know where I am.

I’m having a lot of fun with the Hollywood Stock Exchange. The trick is to buy max shares in a movie stock that’s coming out soon that you think is undervalued, and sell it a week or so after it comes out. The star bonds, and the funds aren’t going to make you much unless you know of a rising star that is way undervalued at present. It’s free to play, and you start with $2,000,000.00. I made a bundle off of the Princess Diaries 2.

I love Hollywood and celebrities in general. Of the celebrities I watch regularly, I think I could have a relationship with either Natalie Portman, Lexi Randall, Christina Ricci, or Kate Maberly. Like that’s ever going to happen, but life with a celebrity certainly would be an adventure, and adventure is something that I always crave. The others that I watch are either male, too young, too old, or not good astrological matches. Interesting thing is I actually have karma with Christina Ricci, The Olsen Twins, and Courtney Kupets. I’m not slated to meet Christina Ricci, I don’t know about Courtney Kupets, and I am slated to meet Kate Maberly. Dharma.

I was a little disappointed when our women’s gymnastics team only took silver. It was the pressure of being in the Olympics that caused simple little mistakes. That’s what our coaches need to work on, taking the pressure out of the minds of the athletes. Mohini Bhardwaj and Svetlana Khorkina gave us a real show of what willpower can do. They are both past retirement age, and Courtney Kupets showed that pain and injury can also be overcome. They are true inspirations. Then there was the metaphysical factor. The Romanians have more people rooting for their gymnasts than us Americans. With the time delay in the broadcast, the armchair fans add no energy to the actual event. If the gymnastics were live, like they were in 96’ in Atlanta with the magnificent 7 the energy would have lent greatly to a victory, not to mention the home court advantage. So in that way I was disappointed in NBC’s coverage. They also didn’t do any biographies like they did in 1996.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, but what is the road to good intentions paved with?

8/8/04 – Sun 826

Well, I’ve been debating for years as to whether or not to make this page. It will serve mostly as an online diary, like a Blog (web log), but it will be here, on my webpage, for only a few to find it and none to comment on it. The reason for the debate is one of ego. I don’t want to think that I’m important enough for people to want to come here and read all this, but at the same time, I want to record some of my day-to-day thoughts and experiences, as I might learn something about myself from reading this later on down the line.

Recently I invited about 17 people into Goodly’s lair, all people who have had the Cherokee High School experience. None have joined. Finding my senior year yearbook, and thumbing through it sparked that. Makes me wonder where some of the people have gone, such as Tara and Dana Birnbaum, Janine Daniels, Allison Vortreflich, Austin Herczeg, Robert Weinert, Donald Deitz, Richard Ryder, Esther Rulo, Richard Rublinger, Jenn Smith, Amanda Howard, Mario Lucero, Anthony DeCeccio, and Heather Barahura. I only mention their names here in hopes that they find this page and say hi!

I’ve also been heavily active on the web, building new and maintaining old webpages. I’m going to try to avoid putting all the details of those endeavors on this page. That being said, I added a new field to All about Goodly: ‘Careers I think I’m suited for’ and ‘Towns I’ve lived in’.

I’m amazed at how much I love the B movie, Buckaroo Bonzai. I rewatched the other day, and am tempted to watch it again. It’s considered a cult classic. It’s over the top in many respects, with a healthy dose of cheese, but the acting is fantastic, the dialogue is funny, and it’s not dumbed down at all. I made a care2connect group http://www.care2.com/c2c/group/BBI

Speaking of sci-fi, there’s a new show as good as Lexx, sg:1, Andromeda, Babylon 5, the star treks, and Farscape called Starhunter. Locally it airs only on Sundays (technically Monday) at midnight on the WB 20 in my neck of North Carolina. It’s about a bunch of bounty hunters just scraping by, but also sitting on some very wanted technology, namely hyper drive. It takes place centuries in the future; they have artificial gravity (called inertial dampening in star trek), energy weapons, and a cool a.i. butler called Caravaggio. Their ship is the Trans Utopian nicknamed the Tulip as the letters on the side have worn off over the years.

Now about election 2004. I don’t favor either candidate, if fact I despise them both. Last election seemed like voting for the lesser of two evils, this election they’ve only gotten worse. Our president is a war criminal, and Kerry lacks integrity. I will do a write in ballet. Reminds me of the movie, Brewster’s millions. If I had the money, I’d run add campaigns for none of the above. I’d also make a free singles connection place on the internet that was actually good and displayed email addresses and IM addy’s. Yahoo was free for a while, but now they’re not.

Albino bread in grease-proof fluorescent winding sheets, lying on Formica slabs in a cold sweat, like slices of lard sprayed with phenol. 30p. 30p. 30p. 30p. 30p. 30p. It’s from Mary, Mary by Chumbawamba and is on their Tubthumbing album. I’m guessing as to that quote. I have no idea why I put it here other than I don’t see it anywhere else on the web. [Thanks to suz for the correction] All your base are belong to us.

Emotional Conflicts: 100 49.89 53.78 83.02 No wait those are insurance quotes.

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In an effort to spam search engines, here are my keywords (but at least I’m putting explanations in parenthesis): Evan Corbett, The Goodly Dragon, Goodly, dragon, green dragon, Evan, even, Corbett, GDragon777, Rev. Evan C. Corbett (those used to find me), captengle, Stefanie Layton, Stef, Layton, Stef Layton, Kate Maberly (I made a website about her), Merchantville (used to live there), Marlton, draconity, Old Blind Dogs, obd (a favorite band), Maberly, kajana (I haven’t told anybody), Cherokee hs, dragons, magus perde (one of my secret magickal names), Gordon Bok (nother band), Jasmine Brown, Marista, Megan carter, Actari, Bambari, Arcanillies, Jeeves, soulmate, Lola, Olympics, gymnastics, Allison Parker (my last life), otherkin, draconic, karma, Vortreflich, (someone I wish I had gotten to know better).

And from Goodly’s Lair III: keywords: iteotwawki, teotwawki, The Goodly Dragon, Evan Corbett, goodly's lair, foxhunt, Echelon Mall, Old Blind Dogs, obd, Jethro Tull, Silly Wizard, sexy rollerskate girls on stilts wearing pleated miniskirts (no not really I made that one up), Baker St. Muse, Magus Perde, Fastilio, Dr. Gornak Bogenbroom, cigar dude, Stefanie Layton, Mike Yammer, Mike McDowell, cettim, CettiM, GDragon777, captengle, Day 36, merchantville, marlton, evesham, new jersey, florida, Draconity, draconic, north carolina, cherokee hs, blue blazer irregular, Allison Parker, soulmate, draconity, draconic, otherkin, kajana, qwerty, dnd, d&d, adnd, ad&d, rpg, chess, gordon bok, muppets, polls, drude, drudemonger, Solaris et Luna, Kala Marista, order of the new light, onl, Critique Oblique, Best Friends.

And the ones specific to here: Trich Darling, April eighteenth, April 18, druid scribbles, Trich, Alir, Akasha, Cirack, Kayla, Kelly Spina, cormaicruadh, druidrhu, Maine, Concetta Bella Rosa Spina,

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