Counter

If I Could Take.....

If I could take a minute out of each and every day.
To hold my child close to my heart and kiss her fears away.
If I could take a minute out of each and every week.
To play with blocks and peek-a-boo, tag or hide and seek.

If I could take a minute of any span of time.
I'd never waste a second of the pleasures that were mine.
If she could crawl upon my knee and lay her sleepy head,
upon my shoulder tenderly and dream of gingerbread.

I'd spend my time in total bliss and watch my small daughter grow,
from babyhood to childhood, knowing all there is to know.
If I could stop my aching heart and put my mind asleep,
If I could stop the flow of tears that are always on my cheek.

I only need a minute, Lord, I know she's safe with you.
But there's something real important that I had no time to do.
If you could do it for me, Lord here's a message she should know,
Tell her that I Love her, then I'll let her go.

Do not copy with out author's permission
Author: Debbie Szaroletta

 

Our Story

After many months of trying to fall pregnant after a miscarriage we were thrilled to learn we were expecting a new baby. This baby was due 22nd February one day after Granddad's sixtieth birthday. The whole family was excited to be getting a new arrival.

At about 7 weeks I became very sick and was admitted to hospital 4 times for dehydration caused by severe morning sickness. At about 20 weeks the sickness left and I started to really enjoy being pregnant. The next 10 weeks went by uneventfully.

At 30 weeks I felt the baby had hardly moved that day and I was worried, my family kept telling me that I was over reacting and that it meant she was a girl because boy's move more than girl's (My previous pregnancy was a boy, now 8) I think my mothering instinct was telling me something was wrong because I insisted in going to hospital. When we got there Grace's heartbeat showed her to be in severe stress, so arrangements were made to transfer me to a larger hospital, (three hours from our home). We were airlifted and on arrival they did the scan and knew if she was to have a chance she needed to be born now. They told us at the scan that something was very wrong with the baby and had been for awhile, they doubted that the baby would live through delivery. When Grace was born she gave a cry and that is the sweetest sound I've ever heard.

Grace surprised everyone and was showing excellent stats, so she didn't require ventilation or anything. She was very small weighing in at 1 pound 13 and a half ounces. Neonatologists continued to reassure us that she was going really well, her stats stayed great for the first 30 hours and my family, son, husband and myself all spent time with her.

Then on my first visit the next morning we were told that she'd been naughty and her stats were dropping. The head of neonatology came to see her and still encouraged us with comments that she's a girl and premature girl's are stronger than premature boys. He told us she'd make it.


I went back to my room to wait on a test result for her, when not long after I'd been back the doctor burst in the door. You just know what they are going to say, don't you? She had started to bleed from her lungs. We raced to N.I.C.U and I was praying that she still be with us when we arrived, she was. The next part of her story is hard to tell as it is an unimagined horror to watch your child struggle and die. The mother in you wants to hit or punch every one away from them, but the other bit knows that you have to let them do all they can.

Unfortunately most babies don't survive pulmonary haemorrhage, so 32 and a half hours after she was born she went to sleep in my arms. It is so unfair, all those dreams and hopes. Birth and death should NEVER go hand in hand.

Life since then is not the same, in some ways it has changed for the better, we have learnt to appreciate every moment in life, and the people we love. In other ways I forever miss the extra little person who should be with me. I know many times during my grief journey I thought I would never make it without my little girl, I am still standing and am very proud of that fact alone.

On the airplane I had decided that if she made it I would name her Grace, because I thought it would be by God's grace if she made it, I really felt that he hadn't kept his part of the deal and that that had made her name a bitter irony. I can say it was by God's grace that I got to hold her and have her in my life even if it was not as long as I'd like. I am so fortunate to have heard her cry and to see her kick her legs and stick her tongue out at us. I miss her every minute of every day and I can't wait for that day when we meet in God's home. Until then I will picture her sliding on moonbeams and playing with the stars . My forever baby

 

We have since discovered that Grace was born early due to an antiphospholipid antibody I have. This is also the reason for our first baby Zachary's small weight and early birth. If you've had unexplained miscarriages or pregnancy loss please be tested for this antibody and visit the INCIID site on my links page. I would love to talk to anyone else with the same problem, so please e-mail me.

I run a yahoo email group called Stillgrieving for support for parents 

whose child has died, visit the link below for more information

http://www.oocities.org/stillgrieve

 

Angel Friends / Awards / Daddy's Page / Angel Baby

Funeral / Links / Memberships / Our Story / Photos / Poems

First Birthday / Second Birthday / Third Birthday /Birthday Surprise /

  Fourth Birthday/ Home/ Webrings / Ways We Remember / Zac's Page / Voting

We support

 

 

All content © Grace's Mummy and Daddy-updated 1st January 2003