Ways we remember

This is my Grace ring, it is a blue topaz which is Grace's birthstone, I wear it everyday and it helps me feel as if I have something of her with me always

This is our Grace shelf, well used to be a shelf it has grown to a cabinet now, It is changing all the time as we add things. We collect all sorts of angels and teddy bears for Grace, her nursery was done in teddy bears.

Grace's Birthday we like to have a cake and to spend the day with family and friends. We have always found the lead up to the days a lot harder than the actual day.

This is a letter my darling 9 year old niece wrote for Grace on her 2nd birthday. Taylor always remembers Grace and is often giving me things she has made for Grace, I don't have to tell you just how much that means :)

At Christmas we always decorate Grace's grave and leave a small Christmas tree there. This ornament above is a very special gift from a friend which takes pride of place on our tree. We also have a few angel ornaments for our miscarried baby.

Picture coming soon

For our Miscarried baby we have rose bush, its a gorgeous apricot bush that is called the joy of life. After we miscarried we felt we wanted to have something with us to remind of us of our baby that was but never was....

Another very important way for me to remember Grace was with my SANDS work. I made a promise to Grace that I would do all I could to help any other family left behind. With SANDS I was given the opportunity to help other families, below is an article from our local newspaper I did for SANDS and one from our local magazine that my husband and I did.

Social Issues
Tragic mum helps spread message
By SHAREE YOUNG, Published Sunday, 25 March 2001

¤Nightmare: Devonport mum Theresa Carter says nothing can prepare someone for the death of a baby during, or soon after, birth. Pictures: Peter Lord (1/2)

Most people do not understand the stress of losing a newborn baby. SHAREE YOUNG reports. THERESA Carter hates people asking her how many children she has, because she does not know what to say.

Zac and Grace are her kids, but Grace lived for only 321/2 hours.

"I will always have two children, the only thing is we didn't have Grace for very long," Theresa, of Devonport, said.

Grace Carter was born at 30 weeks - 10 weeks early - and was also very small for her gestational period.

"Grace hadn't moved much that day and I panicked - as you do - and went to the Mersey Hospital where they put me on a monitor and made a decision to send me to Hobart by air ambulance," Theresa said.

"They said it was for more tests, but I suppose deep down I think we all knew she would be born that day.

"They did an ultrasound in Hobart and said things were very, very wrong and they did an emergency caesarean - they told me it was likely she wouldn't survive delivery.

"But Grace was born crying, she was alive and crying."

Theresa said Grace was put into the neonatal intensive care unit and they initially prepared for the worst.

"Then Grace was doing well, they were all saying she was doing much better than they could have ever expected - she was doing so well. "Only an hour before she died the neonatal specialist told us Grace had surprised them all, and he believed she would make it.

"Then she suffered a rare complication - a pulmonary haemorrhage - and there was nothing they could do.

"Perhaps I was ready for her to die during delivery but when she was crying and breathing and doing so well I had begun to hope and to think she would be alright.

"Our son was also born premature, and we had been told some of the same things that we were hearing again with Grace so I suppose I had thought she would live just like he did.

"It was like a huge slap in the face when Grace died. Birth and death do not go together and you don't expect a baby to die."

Grace's parents and brother have had to cope with the grief of losing her, and her mother Theresa is now helping others through her involvement with SANDS.

"My initial reaction was I wanted to get out of Hobart, so we came back to the Mersey Hospital the same day Grace died," she said.

"Looking back, that wasn't the best thing to have done but we had one wonderful nurse at the Mersey who helped us.

"A SANDS support parent came and saw me in the hospital, gave me literature and told me about the support meetings. Three months later, myself and (husband) Rod went to a meeting.

"People who have been there and experienced this kind of loss are the only ones who can really understand how hard it is."

Theresa said a sad statistic about miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death was that about 80 per cent of marriages did not survive the death of a child.

"Perhaps if it weren't such a taboo subject and people got more understanding and support they would be able to cope better. I know I have been lucky to have a supportive and understanding husband," she said.

"People avoid you and cross the street - because they don't know what to say. Others tell you to get over it and just have another baby. If you lost a parent would people tell you to just go out and get another one?

"SANDS just want to get the message out that the death of a baby isn't a forbidden subject, it happens and there is help out there for people - a baby who dies so soon is still a child and is still loved ..."

Shifting SANDS of sorrow

Theresa and Rodney Carter

Deep shock. Sadness. Frustration. Complete devastation.
      An overriding sense of guilt - If only ...
      Theresa Carter experienced all these emotions when she lost her baby girl Grace just 32 and a half hours after she had been born.
      And it took her 18 months - and considerable help from SANDS (Stillborn and Neo-Natal Death Support) - for her to return to something like normality.
      It was 18 months before people's comments, regardless of how good intentioned they might have been, did not hurt; before she did not cry every day for her little one and before she was able to talk freely of her loss. But there are many things she will never forget…

The doctor walking into her room with the comment: "It's a bit of bad luck". "My baby died and he thought it was just a bit of bad luck!" recalled a still incredulous Theresa.
Her bewilderment that birth and death were so close together.
Her plea to God to do what was best for Grace because she did not want her precious little girl to suffer.
The desolation as she and her husband Rodney carried the little coffin to its place of rest.

      Not long after the tragedy, Theresa put to paper her thoughts virtually from the time of conception to the aftermath of her little girl's death. It has included her innermost feelings when she first "knew" there was something wrong with the little life inside her; when they had to race her to Hobart by air ambulance; when she was happy that her baby appeared to be progressing strongly; when they finally confirmed her worst fears.
      Looking back, she now freely admits that she was, at times, irrational. But the journal she produced - "Grace's Story" - is a moving, harrowing account of a mother's love for a baby she knew such a short time and her excruciating sense of loss.
      She and Rodney - who also went through his own hell but was affected differently - are the proud parents of Zachary, 7, who has helped them cope during their time of devastation.
      Zac, then 5, was also affected by his little sister's death and six month's later he came to the conclusion: "It was my fault, Mummy. I didn't want to share you and Daddy with anyone".
      One sometimes wonders just what goes through the minds of young children! Rodney admits that it all felt unreal to him. He could not believe it was happening.
      "The worrying time before the birth was so stressful and after the birth I was just starting to think about the future when everything was shattered", he said. "What I remember most was that I could not believe it was possible to love someone so much in such a short time and then lose it all."
      Theresa says their loss placed an enormous stress on their marriage and it was extremely hard for Rodney in particular. But it has since bonded them together.
      Nor can she say enough for SANDS which, she says, was like a lifeline. And it is why she has devoted so much of her time to the voluntary organisation. She said there are many women in Devonport who have been through similar traumas. Women who, like herself, found it hard to communicate their thoughts and realised that other people also found it hard to handle the situation.
      She is anxious to let them know what SANDS can do for them and is putting considerable effort into ensuring the success of SANDS Awareness Week from April 2nd to April 8th. The Tasmanian launch, which will be addressed by the Mayor, Ald Mary Binks, who lost two babies herself early in her own marriage.
      Information can be obtained from Theresa on 6423 5578 or Jayne Taylor 6427 7000.
      The week will culminate in a non-denominational Memorial Service for lost babies on April 8th at the Baptist Church in William Street at 7 pm. SANDS also meets on the 4th Monday of each month at 126 William Street.

Please don't tell me...
(Original by Sharon Swinney, adapted by Theresa)

Please don't tell me:
"You have Zachary, you should be happy".
I know I have Zachary and I love him dearly.
But he doesn't replace Grace.
Please don't tell me:
"Life goes on".
I see this every day and I envy the people I see,
Some with babies, some pushing prams, all happy, laughing.
Please don't tell me: "
To get over it".
My baby has died.
It will take a long time for me to come back.
Please don't tell me:
'It's God's will and it was meant to be".
Don't you realise how much that hurts?
God wouldn't "let" this happen.
He's crying too.
Please don't tell me:
"You can have another one".
I don't want "another one". I want the one I lost.
Children are not interchangeable.
Please don't' tell me:
"She was only 32 hours old. It can't be that bad".
I was pregnant for seven months.
A part of me has died.
It hurts more than you could ever know.
Please don't tell me: "
This experience will make you a stronger person".
I don't want to be a stronger person.
I want to be a wimp and have two beautiful children.
Please don't tell me:
"It will take time",
Unless you can understand.
It runs by my timetable, not yours.
Please DO tell me:
"I'm sorry. Tell me about her".
Because talking about Grace reinforces her existence.
I'm happy when you want to know about my baby.
Please DO tell me: "I love you and I'll help you through this".
It's like a tiny light, shining in my darkness.
It gives me the strength to struggle on.

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