Hailed as "the goriest film of all time" by more people than I can count on my hairy ebon fingers and toes, BRAINDEAD is the crowning achievement of New Zealand's most dysfunctional son, Peter Jackson. Previously responsible for contained madness like BAD TASTE and MEET THE FEEBLES, Jackson stocks up the barrels of red stuff and purees a couple cows in his blender to bring us this stylish, carnage soaked love story... "love story?!" you scream in terror? Not to worry friends, because this is the kind of love story that your girlfriend WON'T be dragging you to on a Friday night (when she should just be on her knees rewarding you for a hard week's work). Well, that is, unless your girlfriend happens to be like mine, then she'll be dragging you kicking and screaming! Then again, if you have to be dragged to see a theatrical showing of BRAINDEAD, then maybe you should just get the fuck out of my Hall of Judgment RIGHT NOW! Previously known in the Hall of Judgment as DEAD ALIVE, I recently got my oily talons on a copy of the theatrical, uncut version of the film, originally entitled BRAINDEAD, so I decided to do a bit of a re-review, since I hate censorship and like my movies with as much loose organs and viscose red fluid as possible! For a listing of the differences between the BRAINDEAD and DEAD ALIVE cuts, make a stop over to the Internet Movie Database (IMDB.com), where a kind soul has posted the info. Our film opens on the now infamous location of Skull Island (the home of King Kong). It's 1957 and a group of New Zealander explorers have captured the very rare and frightening Sumatra Rat Monkey. The only problem is, the local head shrinkers believe the monkey to be an evil demon that should be left alone and not disturbed, otherwise death will come to the world and blah blah blah. Basically, if the bastards don't release the mutant chimp, bad mojo abounds... you know, the standard curse stuff. Of course, the leader of the New Zealand Zoological Society has one reply to this curse mumbo-jumbo: a sub-machine gun! While making their escape from the angry bushmen though, the insipid simian gets a bite out of the elitist gun man, which doesn't sit well with his under paid tour guides. Fearing the curse of the monkey and not wanting to be witness to what's going to happen to their fearless leader, the guides spaz out and kick him out of the car, holding the geek down while they machete off any body parts bitten or scratched by the little ape... including his head... oops.

Despite the man's death and the voodoo bullshit of the primitive screwheads, the guides sell the beast to the New Zealand Zoo, where it's caged and put on display. Not far from this hot bed of evil and bad omens lives Lionel (who I'll call Lion for the sake of my carpaltunnel and because it's something of a joke), our unlikely hero who still lives with his domineering mother, Vera, and is far from the Shwarzeneggerian "blow 'em up real good" type. We also meet the lovely Latina Paquita, the unlikely love interest for our hero, who's only interested in Lion because her granny's tarot cards said he'd be her one and only eternal love... if I listened to old women with tarot cards, I would've been dead long ago... or insanely rich and happy... either way I prefer to stay comfortably ignorant. The two love birds meet at the general store where Paq jockeys the register, and it's here that, thanx to Lion's comical bumbling and capering, Paq witness the sign that Lion is her Romero, err, Romeo: processed meat products... trust me, it's funnier without the explanation, heh heh. In most movies the heroine would get all depressed at such a revelation, not realizing this person will make her the happiest she's ever been until the end of the film, however, since Paq's a superstitious Gypsy Spaniard, she looks past Lion's feeble exterior and instantly falls madly in love with the guy... hmmmm, from complete disdain to unconquerable devotion in 46 seconds... there might be something in this whole "sucker chicks with tarot cards" scheme after all... note to self: hypnotize that Miss Cleo broad... Then again, Lion and Paq are in for a bumpy relationship lined with evil, death and ninja priests, so maybe I'll just stick to the my UPS man disguise and whore myself to lonely housewives.

The first rock in their path is Lion's oppressive mother, whom he lives with and takes care of, afraid to leave alone in her big valuable house since his father drowned years when he was but a lad. She's an utter bitch who gets the classic cinematic "just desserts" by the end of the film... mmmmm, desserts *drool*. Plus, Lion's a little pussy, so how's Paq gonna get him to ask her out? After all, she's an old fashioned girl, so she can't very well ask HIM out, right? Well, using her keen intellect and Gypsy wit, the lady tricks Lion into asking her out to the zoo, thanx to a little play on words. A trick which has gotten me in and out of many a tight spot before... some of which were WET tight spots... if you didn't pick up on that, then I pity you and myself for putting up with you... Of course, on the day of their little romantic outing, Mum decides to keep an eye on the two, hiding out in bushes, using her skills of evasion and camouflage she no doubt learned at her night school ninja classes. Her conniving and voyeurism prove fatal though, as she gets a little too close to Simian Ratra (rat monkey) cage and gets a set of contaminated fangs in her arm. The old bat then proceeds to stomp the claymation demon's skull, squishing all the goo from the half-breed's head before crying out and guilting Lion into taking her home and breaking off his date before he can get any sweet lovin'. Giving up some hot Spanish 'tang so he can look after his mom, what a pathetic little Norman Bates in training.

Actually, this brings up a novel point as for why Paq would be so interested in marrying Lion. Aside from those stupid cards, I'll bet she's interested in Lion for the marital security! Allow me to explain (as I always have to): there are those women who get old and die sad and alone, never wed because they spent their youth fucking as many guys as possible and living out dreams and holding down careers and all that tripe. At least with Lion, Paq need not worry about the "dying alone" part of the equation. Also, I doubt there are too many babes out there who would be looking to steal this Lion from Paquita's whip, so she doesn't need to worry about him leaving her. To add to the whole thing, Lion's also in the running to inherit a buttload o' cash when Mum does finally croak, so she can sit around the house enlarging her Spanish ass with Bon-Bons and yelling at TV talk shows all day as opposed to seeking fulfilling employment! Damn, no wonder she was so eager to get her claws on him! So, as always, the tarot turn out to be pointless. Guess I'll have to stick with stalking the alleys outside of nightclubs, awaiting plastered babes in mini-skirts.

Lion's mum gets increasingly worse, as her little arm wound becomes a pulsating puss cannon and her face has to be held together with Krazy Glue! Her speech and actions also become progressively more zombie-like as she begins speaking in one word groans and ravages her morning apple like a fresh young brain, even eating her own ear in a bowl of custard during a small social meal with some important couple... few things are grotesque to me, eating custard is one of them... oh, and eating the ear too. Afraid of losing his mum to the hospital, Lion keeps her hidden away, trying to keep her from any public eyes, even when she devours Paquita's dog!... well, "not all of it". It's not long before mum finally expires... then immediately returns as a flesh hungry ghoul and eats her in home nurse! The nurse too becomes a zombie, but worry not for Lion, because he takes her out with a ceramic bird slung like a throwing star! If you think it's fucking crazy so far, then bite down on something, cuz this is only the beginning... Now Lion's got two bodies to keep covered up, so to help sedate them he purchases a pickle jar full of extra strength tranquilizer from the local Nazi. You know, the bald guy with crazy glasses and the outlandish German accent? All towns have one. After drugging the ladies, Lion heads out to visit Paq, though while he's out, mommy breaks free and gets nailed by a trolley car! Though still very much dead alive, Lion pumps her full of sedative so she appears dead... this is gonna be hard to disguise!

Unable to talk his way out of it, Lion lets things work themselves out until he can make a move. Vera winds up embalmed (courtesy of mortician screw up Peter Jackson himself!) and after a little public humiliation for Lionel, she's buried 6 feet under. Don't think it's over yet kiddies, cuz the shit hasn't even come close to hitting the fan yet! With mum gone, Lion's problems are solved, right? Oh you poor naive fools. Though Lion could be getting in on some heavy, sweaty, spicy Spanish taco action from the lovely Paquita, he instead denies her advances and widens the wedge between them. The night following Vera's funeral, her doting son returns to her grave with intentions of exhuming her mutilated corpse and returning her zombie ass to the house before she causes any more trouble. But, poor weak Lionel instead runs into trouble in the form of a quartet of drunken, leather jacket wearing no-gooders, who accuse him of being a necrophiliac and kick the shit out of the boy. However, when the leader of the punks decides to empty his bladder all over mommy's grave site, he gets a rude awakening as Vera grabs a handful and rips the prick up EVIL DEAD 2 style! Our undead old lady then proceeds to burst from the ground and assault the other funny haired thugs, who all return as zombies as well. Lion gets surrounded and it looks like he's finally done for, when suddenly them splatstick cinema's greatest bad-ass, the crazy kung-fu master who refers to beatin' people senseless as "divine intervention", the man who "kicks ass for the Lord", Father Magruder! What ensues is possibly the best scene of this or any other movie...

Though everyone's favorite man of the cloth (the "cloth" in this case being a black belt!) puts on an excellent display of why watching Bruce Lee movies should be a requirement of Catholic Dogma, he does wind up beaten by the zombie gang and impaled on an angelic monument... a short scene, but one that gore whores will speak of for centuries! So, in addition to his mom and the nurse, Lion's also got a thug and a priest to lock up in his basement and babysit... I think it's time to sell the house and move away with your Spanish slut Lion, just move away! In addition to his dead nuisance house guests, Lion's also got a pain-in-the-ass from the land of the living, in the form of his greedy asshole of an uncle has come along too, looking to get his hooves into some of the fortune left to Lionel by his mother in her will following her "death". As for the zombies, Peter Jackson proudly shows off his demented perverse side yet again, as the zombie nurse and zombie Magruder give in to their unnatural lusts and fuck each other stupid! After making sweet zombie love down by the fire, the immortal question of "can zombies still have babies despite being dead?" is answered: yes, yes they certainly can. And guess who gets stuck with looking after junior and talking him out for some fresh air? Lionel the walking doormat of course! More hilarity ensues of course, as the mutant makes Lion's stroll through the park the wackiest public display of child abuse since THREE MEN AND A BABY! This movie is so great!

Lion's life makes a turn from "bad" to "completely fucked" though, when his uncle discovers all the bodies in the basement. Uncle offers to keep his mouth shut though, provided Lion hands over Vera's estate and all the money that comes with it to his bloated and gassy posterior. To celebrate his treachery, uncle then throws a '50s kegger, inviting all his crude, beer swilling, swine-like friends. Paq also shows up, ditching her date to visit her true love, who's been avoiding her as of late. She too discovers Lionel's dark secret and makes him realize that killing mother and the others is the only way to end this madness, and the two inject each of the ghouls with super charged poison and say a touching goodbye before ditching the stiffs in shallow graves under the basement. Unfortunately for Lion (and the party guests) that he didn't happen to read the label on the poison bottle that mentions the stuff consisting of powerful animal stimulant! Yep, the already unkillable have just gotten a heavy duty steroid fix and are now ready to riot all over some unsuspecting drunks! The situation becomes a box social by Satan as everyone has to fight for their lives, the losers each coming back to add to the undead mob of course. Zombie Jack-O-Lantern, zombie dentistry, head cut-in-half with garden sheers, numerous bodies ripped-in-two, an unhappy pair of legs, zombie with a lawn gnome for a head, zombies with dentures, head in a blender, the zombie baby ripping out of a girl's head, a carnivorous pile of organs, Uncle going all "walking cuisinart" and turning several monsters into Evil Dead Cop Suey... it's an orgy of unadulterated mayhem folks, and Peter Jackson has stuffed us right in the middle of it all!

Amidst the crimson nightmare, Lion finally grows some balls to save the woman he loves and takes up arms against the growing zombie menace. Actually, to be more literal, Lion takes up a lawn mower... and straps it to his chest! Undead Sloppy Joes anyone? After slaughtering his unwanted guests, Lion must finally face down the cause of all his troubles from the start: his mother. Of course, telling of mom BEFORE she died and became a zombie would've been a lot easier than fighting her after she's mutated into a big, fat, naked, old, zombie, rat, demon lady (which she now is), but I guess Little Mr. Momma's Boy was saving his rage and shame for an appropriate time to go homicidal... and this is it! Realizing that his mother drowned his father (because he was sleeping around) and daddy didn't actually get swallowed by the sea, Lion lets it all loose and stares the old bitch down! Being overly attached to her son though, mommy refuses to let Lionel be happy and shoves his feeble, scrawny, sweater wearing body back up her cunt... of all the words I could use to describe this scene, "ewwwwwww" sums it up best. Don't worry about Lionel though kids, because he uses the good luck pendant given to him by Paquita to pull off a rebirth-of-sorts, Cesarianing his way out of his freak monster mother, killing her and saving his future ball and chain. To wrap everything up, the house burns down, destroying all the infectious zombies within while Lionel and Paquita escape into the night together... hope they have someplace FAR away to hideout, because when the cops find all those mutilated bodies and fragments of humanity in the rubble, our protagonist's gonna have a LOT of explaining to do!

BRAINDEAD is insanity incarnate. Plain and simple, gore and havoc, carnage and madness, nonstop action-packed violence! Fun for the whole family! The ultimate party flick for socially inept people like you! Yeah, you, the guy in the bola tie and suede boots! By no means an art film, BRAINDEAD features a sea of very impressive special FX drenched in more carnage than you could shake Tom Savini at! An amazing job by everyone in the make-up and FX departments! As for Peter Jackson (the fanboy responsible for the massively budgeted LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy coming out soon as of this review), he's the one who makes BRAINDEAD work. Despite my affections for it, gore CANNOT carry a film, and if it does, it's not carrying it very far before it's knees give out and it's spine is mercilessly destroyed. Jackson proves that he has some style to him, giving the film a slick feel that's NOT just from all the spilled bodily fluids! It's just sad that, because the guy does horror films, there are very few noted and respected critics who take his work seriously. That's why I'm glad he got his hands on the LORD OF THE RINGS project, which should bring him a little respect in the industry, provided he does it right, and we all know he will. Then again, in an industry such as today's, which turns out horrors such as VALENTINE, PROOF OF LIFE and every fucking Adam Sandler movie ever made, maybe he should just stick to the New Zealand splatstick... I'll just have to stick to beating midgets and stealing their wallets... Whether you prefer DEAD ALIVE of BRAINDEAD isn't what's important, what's important is that I still wanna know something: WHO THE FUCK IS BOB SCOTT?!

Also Known As: DEAD ALIVE

Sequels: None

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: EVIL DEAD 2 or BLOOD DINER