There are only 2 movies that I can think of as bigger senses confusing titles than this SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA, those being THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED UP ZOMBIES and BLOOD AND DONUTS... and to a lesser extent, WEREWOLVES ON WHEEL, KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE and ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES. As you can guess from the title, the film in question involves sorority girls and a bowling alley in some kind of "slimeball" context. Sorority girls are always a plus, because EVERY movie involving the word "sorority" carries at least a 93% possibility of nubile, bare, female titties and plenty of 'em! As for the Bowl-O-Rama thing, well, that's usually a sign that there's going to be a bowling alley of some kind, like in the John Wayne classic, THE HALLS OF THE IWOJIMA BOWL-O-RAMA or HAMBURGER HILL BOWL-O-RAMA III: REVENGE OF THE NERDS PART XVII. I could go on and on with bowling movies, but I won't as there are more important things to take care of first... like sorority girls showering together and spanking each other liberally!

Our film opens by introducing us to our heroes: 2 geeks and a pile of lard. Yep, our trio is your standard teaming of social misfits who spend their teen years sitting around drinking 14 year old warm beers (snuck from the liquor cabinets in their parents' basements), "reading" porno mags and watching horrible slasher flicks like THE RIPPER... actually, that doesn't really sound all that bad, but they're still utter dorks... why are you looking at me like that with those accusing eyes? Anyway, stop it before I dig out your occulus orbs with my trusty rusty sporking utensil! So, these three fucks are sitting around as usual, when they decide they're fed up with looking at pictures of nude women and decide instead to head to the local sorority house, where they hope to see REAL nude women! Boy, if these guys think real naked chicks look like the ones in Hustler or Penthouse, well, they apparently live in the right part of town, because the chicks DO look like the ones in the magazines! And, lucky for them, they happen to do their voyeurisms on a night when the house's new initiates are doing humiliating things to get them over with their "sisters"! Humiliating acts like the standard paddling of the swollen asses (with paddles!) and nude whipped cream assaults! Well, so far the movie's living up the SORORITY BABES part of the deal! Now, if only we could get some steamy bowling action in there, this movie will give us all it's promised! Always nice when a film lives up to it's own hype.

After being rained on by creamy dairy products, the two initiates hit the showers for some gratuitous young nekkid scenes. Wait, though the image of wet breasts is always a crowd pleaser, I gotta stick my 2 inches, errr, 2 "cents" in for a second and point out that this must not be much of a sorority. First off, there's only two initiates. Secondly, there are only 3 actual members to this "sisterhood"... a 3 woman sorority... well, I guess they all have to start somewhere, hence why they're accepting applications. Anyway, while the ladies shower up, those three half-assed perverts get caught peeping. Now, the sorority COULD turn them into the cops for trespassing and various charges of perversion and such, but instead, the head sisters decide to use them in the humiliation of their trainees. So, to avoid legal prosecution, the boys agree to help the girls break into the local mall and steal a trophy from the Bowl-O-Rama. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, the head of the sorority, "Babs", it turns out, is the daughter of the mall's owner, so there's no real danger. Also, to add to their bizarre panty soaking pleasure, Babs and the other sorority bitches get to watch the whole tragic comedy unfold on the mall security cameras. Speaking of comedy, the only other person in the mall is the janitor: an incompetent old man who has a defective hearing aid and tends to get slapsticked around frequently. Even for a old man sight gag though, this guy's not really that entertaining.

Back to the posse of misfits and the bowling alley, the five manage to break in. Inside they meet a new friend, local punker trash chick Spider, whose played by the lovely fuck toy Linnea Quigley before she aged and got all skanky and grody in a matter of a few years. Spider's there to rob the place too, though instead of cheap tarnished trophies, she's after bigger things: quarters from the arcade machines... yeah, she's hittin' it big time all right. Guess she's working her way up to the glamorous world of all nite convenience stores, gas stations and donut shops. Hey man, you can't just jump into the Dunkin' Donuts league! You gotta EARN that privilege! Calvin, the drunk-off-one-beer member of the geeky trio, tries to small talk with Spider right off the bat, all with the help of his beer muscles. Considering he only drank one can of muscles, it's even sadder than you could imagine. The initiates grab their trophy and head for the door, when Fatty McButterfingers drops the white trash trinket and releases the unholy embodiment of all that is evil: Jimmy Carter! Oh wait, that was a little side project of my own. The feeb five (oh man, that one got me a punch in my Godly ebon nutsac by Lennon!) actually release an annoying little gremlin called Uncle Impy, a terribly animated puppet rejected by both the Muppets AND the Feebles, who offers the unworthy before him one wish each.

My wish? Well, of course it'd be for Uncle Impy to forever use his magic powers to obey my orders. I know most of you would use the old "I wish for a million wishes" scam, but you don't seem to understand the problem with that. Evil wish granting beings like Uncle I and that smart-ass Djinn got a scam of their own going. When they grant your initial wish, your soul belongs to them. Oh come on, if I just ruined SORORITY BABES for you then you deserve to have it ruined for being so damn naive! Anyway, yes, after they obey your command, your soul is theirs. So, even with your million wishes you're screwed, because they grant you a free ticket for a million wishes. However, since you fulfilled the initial part of the contract, you're theirs, no matter how many wishes you may have I.O.U.s for! Now, if you ever get into this kind of situation, try out MY wish. If you wish that the wish giver provide you their magical services for eternity, then YOU own THEM! Will they still get possession of your soul? Shit, even if they do, you still own him/her/it anyway, so in retrospect you still own your soul AND you can have as many wishes as you want, because the magical creature is your slave forever! I'm so Godz damned ingenious sometimes it scares me... and my probation officer. Next time I'll teach you the failsafe way to kill someone and dispose of the evidence, but for now, let's get back to the SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA!

A few of the party members look at Impy's offer like candy, while others look at it like candy... but bad candy... the kind that's poisonous or has razorblades in them... or black jellybeans... uggh, there's some stuff so morbid and disgusting that even the God of Death has to *BARF* in the presence of. Alright, diabolic sugary confections of terror aside, some of the group make their wishes. Fatso wishes for riches beyond belief, one of the girls wishes to be all glamorous and Cinderella-like (please don't sue me Mr. Cryogenically Frozen Head of Walt Disney!) and the skinny nerd that isn't Calvin wishes to get laid with the other initiate girl... feminists get your picket signs, cuz that girl not only is forced to have intercourse with a complete dork, but she gets screwed out of her wish in the process! Any women that are offended by this gross injustice, join the fight and e-mail your disdain to the bastards behind this movie at IReallyDontGiveAWetFartWhatYourProblemIs@DontMakeMeHitYouAgain.com! Girl Power! As for Spider and Calvin, they both think it's a bad idea to make wishes with talking Boglins that live in bowling trophies, so they decide to leave. Of course, if they just walked out we wouldn't have a movie, so Impy seals off the exits to the mall with his rubber faced magicks and we got finally get ourselves a movie. Not a good movie mind you, but at least there's finally gonna be some pain and suffering for people I hate!

Impy's first act as film villain is to turn Babs's two sidekicks into zombie maniacs! Their first target? The fat guy! Yep, Fatty dies a virgin as he is mercilessly assaulted and has his head stuffed into the alley's shine-o ball-o machine! Polished down to the brain, his decapitated head is then used as, what else, a bowling ball. Speaking of balls, let's check in on that dork who wished for sex and how he's doing with his virginity problem. Jeezus Humperdink Kryst! He and his magical love slave have been making out now for over 20 minutes, and they're still in their Fruit of the Looms! Osh Kosh B Gosh boy, don't you know how to use that vienna sausage trapped in your shorts, or haven't you learned ANYTHING from the years of porn and R-rated movies?! Hell, I know how awkward the first time can be, even with a zombie sex slave, but at least when I had my first time, I knew to put Tab P into Slot V! On the plus side, this lame ass misses out on his big (and only) chance at sexual inadequacy and dies a wormy little virgin, as his face takes a bath in a deep frier. I'm actually surprised though, as I figured his naturally greasy visage would've been thick enough to protect him against frier grease, but I guess I'm a bad judge of greases... despite the fact I'm covered in it... bite my greasy ebon ass you pussy farts! Now, let's get on to more important business, like the public pantsing of the Pope... wait, I mean, like the Tomb Bake Sale! :-D

The next victim of the zombie snob bitches is glam girl Taffy (the one who wanted to be Cinderella?) who gets yanked apart in the world's most dangerous Olympic sport: the Taffy Pull! Get it, "Taffy Pull"?! Oh well, the horrible visual puns march onward like a neon drum majorette. However, when one of the demons makes a play for Spider and Calvin, she winds up in a not-so-unfortunate bowling accident. Remember kids, no matter how thick headed your parents say you are, you're skull will NOT stand up to a flying bowling ball. Not to worry about a lack in zombie bitches though, because Babs takes her place as the new minion of Impy. While hiding out with the janitor, our dynamic duo of Spider and Calvin learn the evil origins of Impy and how he wound up in a bowling trophy. Turns out that 30 years ago some shitty bowler named Dave (why does everybody look at ME when the somebody's name is Dave?!) one day became the ultimate pin killer, thanx to Uncle Impy. When the angry puppet began killing people though, Dave stuffed him into a trophy. Why? Well, all bowlers have knowledge of a secret fact, passed down from bowler to bowler, that imps (like genies and Richard Simmons) lose their powers in confined spaces. Of course, now that I've released that fact on the internet, I'm likely to become the target of assassins sent by B.A.W.L.S. (the Bowling Association of Winners, Losers and Shitheads), so I should just get on with the review.

She-Demon Babs winds up in flames (the "how" isn't really important) and thankfully, that annoying janitor and his mother fucking hearing aide are finally killed! Then, after decapitating demon Taffy, Spider uses her severed head to bash open the mall doors (using the old "cancel magic WITH magic" trick) and allow Calvin to escape and get some transportation. Meanwhile, she goes back in after Uncle Impy Dimpy and traps him in a rusty old coffee can. Then, though Calvin is sent hurtling through the air courtesy of a Buick that thinks it's an Albatross, he's okay and he and his new girlfriend head back to her place so she can see what she can do about his little virginity problem... I'm a Death God and I can't go back in time and get early-80s Linnea Quigley to go to the malt shop with me and maybe let a horse fuck her from behind while I videotape it, and yet this complete dork who went through total physical and emotional Hell with her captures her heart?! I gotta go back to the '80s and make a terrible B-horror movie. It shouldn't be hard to get the nubile Miss Quigley on the audition dick, err, audition couch. Heh heh.

As far as SORORITY GIRLS IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA goes, the acting was weak, the gore was minimal (though fair), the direction and production values were incredibly painful (even for David DeCoteau!) and as far as the soundtrack goes, it was nonexistent! There was no damn music to back up the pictures! Especially appalling was the scene were Spider and Taffy duel. It was a scene that you would've benefited greatly from some fast-paced tunes to help support it, yet there were none! I should've been entertained, but I was bored out of my skull! Sure, the movie's sexual situations were adequate (including numerous tits and a muff shot!), but this is hurt immensely by the whole "dork's gonna lose his virginity" scene. I mean, even though it's all fake and no guy is that pathetic, it still makes me angry, speaking as an owner of a penis, to watch a nice piece of pussy like that chick go to waste! If I were in a similar situation with a girl like, uhm... you know, what's-her-name... fuck, her name's not important! What is important is that I would've fucked her till she was so swollen I'd need WD-40 to continue! And in the end, isn't that all that matters?

Oh shit! I almost forgot! Any fans of the metal band Static-X (of which I am one) and their song "Loser" will take note of this movie. In the ending, when you hear the little sound byte of the weird sounding woman that says "Yeah! VERY stupid!", that is none other than a line from hot punk rock slut Linnea Quigley as taken from SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA! Trivia that may be worth something some day...

Also Known As: THE IMP

Sequels: Maybe in my personal Hell...

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: FRATERNITY DEMON or THE OUTING