After the horrors of ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE, do I really have the personal constitution to battle my way through another bad rock-horror movie spawned from the 9th level of Hell known as... dramatic pause... THE '80S!? Well, looks like I have little choice. Too bad I'm no longer bound by mortal laws, or I could hang myself with the videotape film. Oh well, we can all dream, can't we? In the meantime, let's get this pain over with. For starters, our protagonist is high school heavy metal reject Eddie (played by Marc Price, star of KILLER TOMATOES EAT FRANCE), who goes by the nickname "Ragman"... I'm not sure as to whether this is because he's a fan of the lame DC Comics character of the same name, or if it's because he's always pissing and moaning like he's on the rag, but either way the kid's a feeb and he's in a terrible movie, so the origins of his nickname really aren't important.... just like everything else in this movie. Eddie's rock 'n' roll idol of worship is long haired bad boy Sammi Curr, whose hard living lifestyle catches up to him one night and he's roasted like a chicken in a hotel fire. Devastated by the incident, pussy little wiener Eddie looks to his pal Nuke (Oh no! Gene Simmons, sans make-up!) for understanding and compassion, and maybe just a little hug. Nuke also happens to be a DJ for the local rock station, who gets his hands on some rare shit, including a heavy record of an unreleased demo from Sammi and his band. Instead of holding Eddie and letting him cry on his best heavy metal shirt, Nuke loans him the record to listen to before he plays it on the air on Halloween night, as a tribute to the crispy performer that was Mr. Samuel Curr. You know with a name like that that Sammi's funeral is gonna be one classy affair!

Like a bad self-help recording, listening to Sammi's inspiring lyrics and ear drum splitting riffs motivates the pansy little metal head to stand up to his jock oppressors in school the following day. That's right folks, this isn't just a reprehensible '80s rock horror movie, it's also a reprehensible "unpopular kid fights back" film, like ANGUS, only the dorky sidekick is replaced by Gene Simmons, the soundtrack is all hair band and TRICK OR TREAT movie is far from amusing. While playing around moreso with the vinyl demo, Eddie decides to try out the old heavy metal mainstay and play the record backwards, in search of any devil chants or Satanic recipes for rice pudding. Though he finds neither, he does learn that by asking a question while running the disc backwards will result in a response from Sammi's restless spirit when the platter's played straight. Now, with his haunted record at his side and the ghost of his dead idol giving him advice, how can young Eddie go wrong?! Yep, from now on it looks like everything's coming up Milhouse!... I mean, Eddie. Right now you're probably reading this and thinking to yourself (or screaming incoherently at your computer screen depending on your level of mania), "Wow Anubis, this has gotta be the most retarded idea for a movie you've ever reviewed!", and you'd be right. But, just hold your tongue, because it gets better... and by "better" I mean "worse"... and by "worse" I mean "much worse". You might want to make sure your health insurance covers mental anguish and psychosis before you read on...... done? Okay, allow me to continue.

What's better than having a magic heavy metal 8-Ball to influence you to do evil things? Why, having a PORTABLE magic heavy metal 8-Ball to influence you to do evil things, of course! But, since personal record players were never a popular idea (and therefore never created), Eddie decides to play the disc backwards and RECORD IT ONTO A HANDY-DANDY CASSETTE TAPE... yep, the poltergeist is now portable... are you grossly insulted now, or are you laughing your ass off in uncontrollable mockery? Personally, I felt a little bit of both myself. The cassette falls into the possession of one of the evil jocks, more precisely into the backseat of his car. Later, while he and his girlfriend (20-to-1 says she's a cheerleader) are groping at each other like blind cave creatures, he gets the never-fails bladder problem and has to take a leak. While he's out, the bimbo decides to put on some mood music, finding the Sammi tape and popping it in. Her one woman jam session is interrupted though, as Sammi, in the form of a green mist reminiscent of the great FX work in THE OUTING (if only I could convey my sarcasm through simple words, but there are no words to make you feel the kind of sarcasm I'm emitting right now), gropes up the broad... even in death rock stars are total pussyhounds. Sammi's obviously not a patient phantasm though, as the molestation soon stops and Sammi transforms into a spikey-nosed troll creature. I'm not sure what happens after that, but I do know the chick winds up in the hospital. Being the depraved sociopath I am, I'd like to think that Sammi shoved that pointy proboscis into her cootch and nasal raped her, but he probably just kicked her ass.

When his mission of nerdy revenge turns violent, Eddie loses the balls he's had for such a short time, and tries backing out of his deal with spectre Sammi. But, as you can guess, the vindictive vinyl villain ain't havin' that and the showdown between good and evil begins. Sammi materializes from Eddie's stereo system into his burned and battered human form, babbles something to Eddie about his heroes turning on him, then disappears in a frizzle of static, leaving Eddie to unceremoniously trash his sound system in an effort to foil the ghoul. But, not only is Eddie now out one rather large and extravagant stereo set up, but his even dorkier pal Roger gets a hold of the possessed cassette, plays it like the dumbass pawn he is, and releases Mr. Curr once more. Sammi then proceeds to fulfill his duty as someone bigger and meaner than Roger by harassing the nerd and "persuading" him to play the tape of terror at the big Halloween social at the high school. I sure hope he also intends to kill everyone while he's there and gives me at least SOMETHING to justify my renting of this synthetic tripe. Sure enough we luck out and it turns into the Skid Row version of CARRIE, as Sammi unleashes his demonic powers on the unsuspecting crowd of anti-heavy metal students, disintegrating the fools with his overcharged "electric twanger"... somehow even Twisted Sister videos seem more appealing to me right now.

As for Eddie, he gets caught up in an unnecessary "out of control car" scene, possessed of course courtesy of a Sammi bootleg. I really can't see the point in putting a runaway car in a movie like this, unless the director REALLY hated that car and just wanted an excuse to sink it in a river (illustrated later on), because it doesn't exactly move the story along. It's more like 5 more minutes of pain that I really could've gone without. Our hero then shows up at the school function, prepared to save the day or get his ass kicked trying... I'm sure we're all keeping our fingers crossed for #2... heh heh, "#2", somehow that sound appropriate when describing TRICK OR TREAT. Despite Eddie's appearance to face off with his former living former idol, it's actually Roger and his trust crowbar Bluey that put an end to Sammi's scholastic sorcery hijinx. Everything's over and we can all go home now right? Provided we're not already home that is. Wrong. That would be way too easy. We can't forget about Nuke's midnight tribute to the zombie performing artist, can we? This shouldn't really be a problem though, right? After all, as long as Nuke plays the thing straight through then nothing bad will come of it, correct? Wrong again kiddies, because Gene Simmons has to ruin everything like he always does. Nuke, in some odd moment of brazen stupidity, decides to play the first track, you guessed it, backwards just for the Hell of it... and who says DJs aren't good decision makers?

Of course, as soon as he's released once again, Sammi can't just leave Eddie be, instead endangering his continued existence by going after the boy in revenge. If you think about it, what exactly has Sammi's leather rock star panties in such a bunch? After all, it was Eddie who released him in the first place, even if the kid did turn out to be a sissy he still served his purpose. But, unable to leave well enough alone, Sammi makes a move on Eddie and his new girlfriend, Leslie, whom he picked up on the course of this wacky misadventure in '80s metal. They both escape when Sammi gets his hand stuck in a toilet... now, this isn't like the time I told you had cancer, I'm actually being serious, Sammi winds up with his hand in a toilet... I told you "worse" meant "much worse", and this is what you get for doubting me! In order to take out the phantom once and for all, the couple heads to the radio station. A bunch of crap happens and Eddie and Sammi are soon in an automotive tussle, which comes to a close when Eddies rolls from the car just moments before it goes careening into the harbor, taking Sammi the zombie with it. As for Leslie, she takes this chance to trash the radio station and bust up the reel-to-reel, thus destroying all existing copies of Sammi's swan song of death and ear-bleeding havoc. Finally it's all finished and we're all a little better off for it, not because we've learned any special lesson from the ordeal, but because it's just over, and that's good enough for me.

Aside from a pathetic excuse for a story and a cast of no-talent hacks, TRICK OR TREAT has plenty of other shit to complain about. One thing that really kicked me in the teeth about this nightmare of movie making is that Sammi's electrical based powers allow him to completely disintegrate people, leaving behind nothing but smoking pairs of footwear in the wake of his heavy metal rage. It's not so much the idea of this that pisses me off, but the excuse it gives the creators to utilize smoking boots instead of any kind of real gore or death that requires some semi-decent FX work. I figure this money saving technique was done so the crew could divert funds from the FX budget to buy bottles of Jack Daniels and those bags of cotton candy puffs you find at Wal*Mart. Or, if they're really sick fucks, they probably picked up some circus peanuts too... something about orange candies that bare the consistencies of foam rubber and look like big peanuts molded by Picasso that doesn't sit well with me. IT'S NOT NATURAL MAN!

In the end you might be wondering why, if I hate such a bastardized chunk of celluloid, would I pass it a rating of 1 instead of the rating it really deserves, a 1/2, the lowest judgment I offer. Two words kids: Ozzy Osbourne. Yes, that's right, the Ozzman cometh and it's here in TRICK OR TREAT. Everyone's favorite devourer of winged beasties' heads makes a cameo as a television evangelist who opposes, you guess it, rock and roll music. You don't know funny until you've seen Ozzy dresses up and bad mouthing heavy metal in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jeezus Kryst. So, TRICK OR TREAT gets an extra 1/2 rating... actually, no, the movie doesn't get it, Ozzy does. You rock you psychotic old fart! Woo! Ozzy! As for TRICK OR TREAT, is makes me long for the audio suicide that only the J. Geils Band and Bad Company can provide... and that's more of that "much worse" thing. There wasn't even any damn trick or treating!

Sequels: if there ever is one, rest assured that no one from the cast or crew will survive my wrath!

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