Damn, all this bullshit and I have yet to start reviewing the actual movie. I guess it's a subconscious attempt at avoiding the movie by stalling as long as possible until my waning short term memory (damn marijuana) forgets about everything and I spare myself from talking about VAMPYRES anymore... unfortunately, I've outsmarted myself, uncovering my own nefarious (though at the same time ingenious) plot, leaving me stuck with reviewing the movie... argh! Being a Death God can be such a kick in the ass sometimes! It all starts harmlessly enough, with two lovely clamdippers engaging in either foreplay fondling or afterglow cuddling. Either way, foreplay or cuddling, you know there isn't a guy involved. Suddenly, in comes an ominous figure shadowed, uhm, ominously, who proceeds to whip out his piece and fire a few rounds! I'm talking about a revolver though, not his dick... that would've been me, heh heh. Great, now the babes are dead and we're left without any softcore girl-on-girl action to... oh wait, the next scene involves the brunette babe (Fran) hitchhiking while her blond partner (Miriam) watches from the nearby forest. Could it be that the whole "gunning down of lesbians" scene simply shows us how the ladies died before becoming bloodsuckers (or VAMPYRES as the title puts it)? Actually, I know the truth which some people I know don't seem to understand, and I'll let you in on it at the end... skip ahead and I'll kill you you fuck... I see all that goes on here... uggh, please stop scratching your ass...
Meanwhile, as the girls are busy snaring horny male victims, a nomadic couple in a camper pass Fran on the "highway" (a paved country road), catching the eye of Harriet (the woman). Driving further down the road, John (who looks like one of the Monkees) and Harriet decide to park their shack on wheels just off the driveway of a fancy, yet seemingly abandoned estate... England must be a great place when you can just pull up on some stranger's lawn and camp out... The following morning, Harriet is awakened from her slumber and peers out the window in time to witness the fanged lesbos prancing around in the nearby tree line before disappearing into the forest... I smell a female 3-way! Not far away, the unlucky fellow who picked up the hitchhiking Fran the day before is found in the mangled wreckage of his automobile along side the road. The cops chalk it up as an everyday auto accident and that's that. Maybe it's just my naive American side talking, but how the fuck can you chalk up a naked guy with no blood left in his body as just a normal car wreck?! Is it common for British motorists to drive around naked and have fully functioning circulatory systems that don't require much blood to actually circulate?! Yeah, I imagine all those years of incesting in the old days (hey, it's an island, eventually EVERYONE had to have been related in one way or another) resulted in some long lasting genetic effects, like them horrid British teeth, but proper bodily functions necessary for survival would require far more plasma than what was left in this guy! I can see the police report now: "The motorist obviously had a disagreement with his automobile, and in a moment of raging emotions, the car attacked the driver, biting him several times, hence the teeth marks on his body. The car then drove itself off of the road and into a tree. As for the lack of blood, this we attribute to evaporation"...
Later that day, the buxom babes are back to their old tricks, snatching another well dressed lamb in their clutches. After seducing the guy and making his last hours on worth far more pleasurable than the rest of his pathetic life was (*wink*wink*) the girls feed again. The next morning, the guy (sweaty Limey guy named Ted) awakens with a painful gash on his arm, then packs into his car and leaves... WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED HERE?! They let him live?! Where are the damn vampire chicks while this potentially dangerous guy is just waltzing out the front door?! I said that the previous night was the guy's last hours on Earth, and now I look like an ass! Sure, I could easily go back and edit that part out, but I'm leaving it in to help voice my anger with this stupid ass flick... yeah, that's it. As Ted leaves, he stops by the camper parked off the lesbian vampires' driveway (I still cant get over that part) to chat with John and Harriet and maybe pick up some bandages for the wound on his arm. After getting his sweaty Limey arm disinfected and wrapped, Ted then gets back in his car and actually RETURNS to the mansion to await the return of his hungry hostesses... some guys just don't know when to take a reprieve! Sure enough, the girls return with another male acquaintance in tow, assuring Ted that this new guy is a friend of Miriam's not just another boy toy like he was... I smell a big sweaty orgy! Well, my nose is obviously lying to me, as the two couples part ways after a night of socializing. The girls each fuck and feed on their respective boyfriends, though while Miriam slaughters her meat puppet, Fran instead makes love to Ted and suckles his arm when he passes out.
Unhappy by Fran's apparent romantic interest in Ted, she tries to fuck some sense into her as the two shower off the evening's gore in a typical softcore "girls in the shower" scene. Miriam feels her busty lifemate is playing a dangerous game and must kill off Ted before he causes them some serious trouble. Besides, he's a large man who sweats constantly, he deserves to die! Speaking of which, I wonder when my bride-to-be will wise up and off me for the same reasons... The next morning, Harriet decides to spy on her new dyke neighbors some more, following as they do their morning frolic through the woods and a nearby cemetery, making their way to the road for another day of hitchhiking and seducing lonely guys. Elsewhere, the local fuzz find another male motorist who apparently had trouble driving the previous evening... his car also kicked his ass, bit him repeatedly and stripped him naked before hitting a tree... and yes, the blood must've evaporated again too... no, there's nothing connecting these two recent incidents, NOTHING AT ALL!!!! ARGH!!! INCOMPETENCE DRIVES ME INSANE!!! Later that day, while making a painting of the lesbian death house, Harriet is confronted by the bloodthirsty broads. After they say something about being destined to meet with her, F ran rubs her finger over Harriet's forehead and mentions recognizing her by her "mark" before the two disappear... oooooooookay, I'm not even going to bother questioning what that was all about, all I ask is that I get the lesbo 3-way I've been drooling for all this time.
Later on, Fran and Miriam have redirected their attention to Ted, who's been in bed all day, probably drugged into Nirvana. The girls then suckle his arm gash some more before making sweet unnatural female animal lovin' next to him on the bed. Since he's doped up, poor Ted can do nothing but sit there and sweat... and we're talking a LOT of sweat! This guy's a damn pig! His forehead is Niagara Falls! But, before they can finish off the moist man toy, Harriet comes snooping around the house, sending the ladies into a panic, forcing them to hide in the basement of the mansion. As for Ted, he finally becomes conscious and stumbles around the place fatigued and drained... literally. After Harriet's gone back to minding her own damn business, it's back to the usual routine, as Fran and Miriam head to the highway for a little hunting... is this movie going ANYWHERE?! Yes, they pick up yet another lonely guy, yes they get him drunk, yes they kill him and drink his blood, the SAME shit they've been doing for the whole fucking movie! Fine, forget them, we know what they're doing, so let's just look elsewhere. That sweaty hog Ted meanwhile, has managed to crawl to his car and escape to the couple camped at the end of the driveway, where he seeks assistance. The broads show up though, killing that dunderpate John and kidnapping Harriet, dragging her kicking and screaming back to their basement, where they slit her throat and make dinner out of her. As for Big Sweaty Teddy, he drives off in his car while Fran and Miriam are forced to retreat inside from the morning sun. This is too bad for the girls, who wanted to finally kill him, just in case he decides to come back while they're vulnerable and kill them, ending their carefully laid plans of killing guys and disposing of them in badly executed auto accidents.
Now for the moment you've all been waiting for: the ending. The scene following Ted's escape involves a real estate agent attempting to sell the girls' mansion to a potential buying couple. The agent mentions that the place is a hard sell, because two girls were found executed inside... hence the opening sequence, in which the shadowy figure shoots them both. The shadowy figure was Ted, returned to destroy the girls for giving him the best damn sex of his life... what a jerk. So, the opening scene was one of those Tarantino-like things, where we see the ending first, then the story itself is revealed to us over the course of the movie. That, or that first scene was just a HORRIBLE editing mistake! VAMPYRES might not've been so bad if it weren't for, well, pretty much everything. There was no story. We never find out how these chicks became vampires, how they got together or anything like that. Instead, we just bore ourselves to death with the bland-as-cardboard John and Harriet and get angry at the cops for being idiots. We yell at the screen because the girls not only do the same damn routine over and over again, but they also neglect to kill Ted! Was Fran in love with the guy? If so, then that could've been injected to make the story at least somewhat interesting. Maybe we could've seen Fran make one of those heart wrenching Ron Howard choices between her lesbian partner in bloodsucking or her new found sweaty love interest. But, no, none of that here as the softcore is apparently supposed to carry the whole damn movie. No wonder we broke away from the British, their movies suck!
Also Known As: BLOOD HUNGER; DAUGHTERS OF DRACULA; SATAN'S DAUGHTERS; VAMPYRES: DAUGHTERS OF DRACULA; VAMPYRES: DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS
Sequels: None
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM or BLONDE HEAVEN