| Random Monologue and In The News Jokes |
| "The Mets have issued a formal policy about dating other Mets: 4 balls and you're outed." "I just want to say one thing to all these ball players who think they can stay in the closet: You are figure skating on thin ice, man!" "To Father McMolesty With Love. You've got an unfortunate name. You're one of the good ones. You never touched anyone. But you're getting in hot water anyway because of your name. You hang in there. And if you do get distraught remember you can get work down at the Cub Scouts with Father McFeely and Bishop Shhhh." "To Anna Kournikova With Love. Or should I say luv-40? Better luck next time Kourni." "This Just In. A subscription to Mad magazine is a creative way to let someone know how much you dislike them every month. This Just In." And now it's time for Craig Shakespeare, William's Younger Brother. "Hark! What wind from yonder pantaloon breaks? Get it? Wind? Oh forget it." And that was Craig Shakespeare, William's Younger Brother. "A gay couple is about to become the proud parents of quintuplets. On father is passing out cigars that say "It's a Mets infield!" "As we speak, President Bush is preparing to undergo a colon exam. Wow! I guess he was serious when he said he would go to any length to find bin Laden." "This Just In. Your 'No Fear' bumper sticker would be more convincing if you weren't driving a Geo. This Just In." In 'Those Buttocks are so Bright I've Got to Wear Shades' news, Center Court in Wimbledon was streaked by 37 year old Mark Roberts yesterday. Eventually the streaker was corraled by police and total boredom was restored." "New York City will soon be home to the world's first museum of sex. I took the tour with my lady. I finished before she did, and then I went straight to the museum of sleep." "Drug dealers attempted to smuggle a highly potent from of heroin that is baked into porcelain. Drug dealers everywhere had the same question: Can you flush a toilet down a toilet?" "This Just In. If you're looking for a woman's special place and all you find is 52 cents in loose change, you're doing something wrong. This Just In." "You know, it's nice to see a white woman like Jacko standing up for a black guy like Eminem." "I taped the CMAs, so please nobody...tell anybody that I taped them." "A new Cosmo survey asked men what makes them want to, quote, tear a girl's clothes off and have wild sex with her right there and then. And 90% said, 'That question you just asked me.'" "Plus, can sex really be better after 35? We'll find out from Dr. Uh-uh." "Pfizer and Pharmacia have merged. They're going to combine efforts to create a pill for fat, moody, impotent, chaffing, bald guys with migraines." "Ok, who put this in there? We all went through our sexually ambiguous awkward stage. I don't need to see my personal pictures in here." "Word has it that Hillary Clinton will finish her memoirs much earlier than Bill. Hillary's book is called, 'Get Off of Her and Start Writing'." On Morrisey: "Remember he used to say for years he's asexual, he's like celibate? You remember he said that? During the 80's he was celibate. Come on, I was the only guy celibate in the 80's." "After the show, I'm gonna throw a party up at Casa de Kilby." "Without me, there'd be no Bob Barker. I think is how that works." "Best line to pick up a guy: 'You are the most fascinating man I've ever met.' Coming in at a close second, 'Hey stupid come with me.'" "For those of you who never really read Hemmingway, let me sum it up for you: men are men, women are women, drinking is good, lions are dangerous." "John Walker Lindh plea bargained from 'Crimes Against America' down to 'What a Crazy Spring Break!'" "The Israelis and the Palestinians have ceased fire since Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig declared the conflict a tie." |
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