"One-thousand California women set a new record for mass breast feeding. In a related story, two-thousand California men set a new record for pretending to look away."
"The American Medical Association has arrived at a disturbing conclusion: We...are a nation of Fat Bastards."
"The latest thing in New York is wedding cakes made out of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. If that doesn't get Oprah to say yes I don't know what will. That will not make the air."
"A man and a woman were fishing when the woman caught her husband's p****. The sad part is she thought it was too small and threw it back."
"I will only read this headline once. 'Gay Alliance Fears Bush.'"
"Who was the US goalie who kept 9 men from scoring? Britney Spears."
And now it's time for Actual Traficantations.
Traficantation: "And when I get out of prison, I'll grab a sword like Maximus Deridius Meridius. And as a gladiator I will stab people in the crotch."
Traficantation: "Mr. Speaker, a new report says only 7% of scientists believe in God. Unbelievable. Most of these absent-minded professors cannot find the toilet. Let us tell it like it is. Put these super-cerebral master-debaters in some foxhole with bombs bursting all around them and I guarantee they will not be praying to Frankenstein."
"Who was the US goalie who kept 9 men from scoring? Britney Spears."
"Ozzie may soon appear on Sesame Street. The show will be brought to you by the letters F and U."
"A 31-year-old woman is in trouble for breast feeding her 8-year-old son. The weird part is when she was breast feeding him, he accidentally called out the name of his teacher."
"Did you know that after I watched that show, my TV had stretch marks?"-Mike Gibbons on The Anna Nicole Smith Show
"A man was recently arrested in Wisconsin for running around naked in front of the wrong house. You know who was surprised the most? My lawyer."
"And this is, well, kind of depressing. A survey asked 10,000 women if they would sleep with Craig Kilborn, and 98% said 'never again.'"
"Scientists say that the coast of California is eroding at the rate of 2 inches a year. They noticed when the last guy in line at Disneyland fell in the ocean.
"Todd, do you ever picture me naked working with wet clay?"
"I smoke cigars and mine are real."
"A Russian composer is writing an erotic musical based on the sexual relationship between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. The title of the musical: The Reproducers."
"Speaking of s-e-x, in Voyer-iffic news, New York has another cultural destination as the Museum of Sex opened its doors today. This isn't your father's pornography. Wait a minute, I think it is. A visitor who couldn't get up 3 flights of stairs insisted nothing like this had ever happened before. Okay. Admission to the museum costs $20 to see the exhibits, but if you want to touch them, it's an extra 50 bucks. Children under 13 must be accompanied by a Catholic priest. That one goes out to Father McFeely. The museum features a special exhibit about the G-spot, but so far nobody's been able to find it. Thank you. Give it up for the Canadian songbird, Annie Murray!"
"Justin Timberlake finally admitted he had sex with Britney Spears. I guess he was fondling her breasts and then she walked in on him."
"A guy was arrested for trying to smuggle 8 monkeys in his pants. Or as Micheal Jackson calls it- a romantic weekend."
"Madonna's new movie "Swept Away" is being called by some the worst movie of the year. In a related story, if you saw a guy somersaulting down Hollywood Boulevard today it's the producer of "Pluto Nash."
"And this week Entertainment Weekly is ranking the most powerful people in showbiz and Oprah Winfrey was 210, then she dropped down to 180 and shot back up to 230."
Reporter: "What is your opinion on the latest trend of ravers of mixing Ecstasy with Viagra"
Craig: "Oh, yeah, well if the kids are going to be up all night they might as well have something to do."
"Today in Iraq, they held their big presidential election. And somehow, Al Gore lost again"