| "Bush said that if any word is removed from the pledge of allegiance, it should be 'indivisible' because it's really hard to say." "It is being reported that Britney Spears is hanging out with female porn stars. Britney is expected to star in the upcoming movie 'Debbie Does Nothing.'" "From the world of gay gays, the Tony Awards were held last night. I had a hard time telling which actors were straight and which were Major League Baseball players." "In a nationwide test, California students ranked 49 out of 50 in reading scores. Second to last. I think I speak on behalf of all Califonians when I say 'Thank you, Alabama!'" Tonight was the season finale of 'Friends.' Racheal had a baby. I taped it so please no one tell me if it was a boy or a cheap ratings stunt." "The bankrupcy is the largest in history...if you believe the Worldcom accountants." In 'Keep Pope Alive' News, Pope John Paul II leaves today on a multination tour which will take him to Canada, where the church is being rocked by allegations of sexual abuse. It'll be our secret, eh?" "The (lawn mower) race was disrupted after an angry Lizzie Grubman backed over some spectators while riding her John Deere." On a toddler breaking the record for the world's longest swim: "The recored was subsequently broken when Billy Bob and Anjelina's adopted baby swam all the way back to Cambodia." "Today, Clinton laid the cornerstone (for his new library). Soon after, the cornerstone developed a rash." "Life is tough, especially if you suck at everything." "Be a mighty learner-read the heaviest book in the library." Announcer John Garry: "In the News is brought to you by the Do-Me Decimal System-get your learn on." "The musical 'Cats' received a special humanitarian award-for closing." "In 'Tanks for Everything' News, members of the Chinese military marked the 12th anniversary of the massacre at Tiennamen Square today. Oh, and to think I blew all my money at Mardi Gras." "In 'Gentlemen Start your Engines' News, pop sensation Britney Spears has been name the Grand Marshal for the upcoming Nascar Pepsi 400 race. Spears was the obvious choice because thinking of her always helps guys finish faster." "From the land of green clovers and purple horseshoes, workers laid off by the Irish beer company Guinness have been given a 10 year supply of beer as part of a severance package. And last night, hundreds of former Guinness workers celebrated by drinking years 1 through 8." "Shannon Doherty has left Charmed on the WB because of creative differences. Translation creative differences: she's a bitch." "It's being reported that Britney Spears' mother hired a guy to make sure that Britney stays a virgin when she goes out. Wait a minute, I thought that guy was Justin Timberlake." "And finally, a remarkable story out of New York City, and we love the remarkable stories, there is a man with no arms who is driving a custom made cab. No arms, driving a custom made cab. And the hardest part of his job is giving New Yorkers the middle toe." "New York City, I was staying at the W Hotel. And I'll paint the picture for you, we had a Gear luncheon there. It was the W Hotel, which is a nice modern hotel. You know, those cool contemporary hotels where you go into the men's room and you don't know where to go, you know? You got all these carvings and scuptures and they have a waterfall. Where do I pee, huh?! You know? I don't know. So, I end up...Everything looks like a trough or a thing. You wait for a guy to come in to follow him and all of a sudden you got 3 guys just sitting there. So later after the luncheon I go back to the hotel room where I know where I can pee (gives the thumbs up sign). And uh...Can we say that on the air? Pee?" "The most famous sitcom cast has agreed to do an 8th season of Friends. The weird part is, I'm talking about the cast of Seinfeld." And now Mitsubishi presents 'Craig Kilborn Tucks in His Nephew: "Ok, sleep tight little guy. Don't let the bedbugs bite. Seriously, they really hurt. Oh, and watch out for the monster in the closet. Wanna know one foolproof way to stop monsters and bedbugs? Wetting your bed! Goodnight, Tiger." And that was 'Craig Kilborn Tucks in His Nephew. "For the coverage of the miners trapped in the mine shaft in Pennsylvania, CBS got its highest ratings ever. Here's my question, can they shove my desk down a mine shaft?" "This Just In. I still can't believe I just said 'Fecal Butter'. This Just In." |
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