| "Congratulations to Cathrine Zeta Jones and Micheal Douglas. They're expecting their 2nd child. As for the sex--sure was disgusting." "Experts attribute Hussein's landslide to his catchy new slogan-'Vote for me or I'll electrocute your genitals.'" "I love vetriloquism"-Comic Richard Jeni on The Vagina Monologues. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."-Richard Jeni "A $50,000 hat was stolen from the set of 'The Cat in the Hat.' Would he trade it for some smack? Would he? Could he? How about some crack?" "The launch of the space shuttle Atlantis was delayed yesterday while they had to scrape an unknown substance off the door (pic of Lance Bass). The shuttle will beam back images of where Iraq used to be." "A study shows women burn more calories faking an orgasm than having a real one. That explains why my last three girlfriends quit going to the gym." "The WorldCom bankruptcy is the largest in history--if you believe the WorldCom accountants." "A 5.6 magnitude earthquake shook Columbia today. It resulted in an estimated $12 million in damage and a really cool coffee blend from Starbucks." On Haitians sneaking into Florida: "THIS IS THE COAST GUARD. IF YOU SET FOOT IN FLORIDA YOU WILL BE DETAINED IN A THEATER SHOWING THE NEW MADONNA MOVIE. THERE YOU GO. EVERYBODY BACK ON THE BOAT." "Election Day, last night, inspired my lady and I in our love making. And after we finished she said, 'Are you better off than you were 4 minutes ago?'" "In 'Size Really Does Matter' News, a radio station in Sweden covered one of Stockholm's most well-known monuments in a giant prophylactic, a condom, to raise awareness about sexually transmitted diseases. The prank came just in time because moments later the monument had sex with the Lincoln Tunnel. You know, women watching the stunt found it very moving, but most of the guys watching said they couldn't feel a thing." "In 'Legal Bender' news, Bush's twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna, turned 21 on Monday. Now they can drink legally, which is good because dancing with dad is only fun after four mai-tais. After receiving their birthday cake, Barbara and Jenna made a wish, then blew a .25 on the Breathalizer. The White House would not release a statement about how the twins celebrated the milestone, but they did say Dick Cheney's undisclosed location is totally trashed." "Laker coach Phil Jackson can't motivate this team alone. That's where I got involved." "In 'sing to the hand' news, hundreds of young hopefuls auditioned in London the other day for a new opera based on The Jerry Springer Show. Oh leave it to the British to take white trash midgets with secret gay lovers and make it boring. This will be a difficult task for some highly trained opera singers. Seriously, let's see you sing 'I ain't trying to hear that' while the soprano hits you in the head with a chair. I don't want to give anything away, but the cross-dressing construction worker in the third act...Pavarotti." "Even though the Wright brothers solved many of the technical challenges of the flight, man has still not figured out how to prevent airlines from landing in Chapter 11." "In 'don we now our gay apparel' news, there's a new hunky santa in a mall right here in Los Angeles, and he's a lot sexier than your average St. Nick. Just what I wanted for Christmas-an unemployed actor feeling up my girlfriend. That's great." "This Just In- Leonardo Dicaprio has just been voted 'Whispy Beard Magazine's' man of the year for 2002." "Maybe you could use the bicycle 'pimp' to fix the 'hoe' in your tire." On the Grammys: "The winners will receive the coveted gold Grammy trophy. The losers will receive a Latin Grammy." "Is it just me? Tell me, reality show producers are getting carried away. You've got Celebrity Mole, Joe Millionaire, The Bachelorette... You think President Bush is going to war with the wrong people?" "Steven Segal claims a group of people, conspiring now to destroy his film career. The name of this sinister group? You guessed it, the general public." "I was watching TV, and I was wondering how can women with dyed hair and press-on nails and Botox lips and fake boobs call Joe Millionaire a phoney? How does THAT work?" "This is a true story. The state of Nevada is now going to start taxing prostitutes. The prostitutes have to pay taxes. Talk about embarassing, today I was written off as a business loss." "A stripper in Calgary is wanted for armed robbery. Police say no one got a good look at her face." |
| You Can Never Laugh Too Much |