"Our top story in Istanbul-crap news, the road to war in Iraq may be taking a detour as Turkey is now demanding $30 billion from the US in exchange for allowing us to use their bases.  But without those bases our bombers won't be able to reach France.  Let's recap the negotiations: The US offered $30 billion, Turkey wants $36 billlion, and today the US came back with its final offer--we're using your bases.  Another option if an agreement can't be reached is to attack Iraq from a lesser-known country-the soy-based Republic known as Tofurkey." "The Traveling Colon Exhibit is on loan from the FOX network where they use it to produce reality TV shows." "The bed race in Brazil reminds me of my own personal bed race where I always finish first." "Saddam Hussein has two options: split or splat." I don't know if you saw CSI: Miami tonight on CBS, but they drew a giant chalk outline around Iraq." "Did you hear about this?  There are plans to turn the United Nations into an Outback Steakhouse." "All I ask today is make sure you show your patriotism today on St. Patrick's Day.  If you get really drunk, for heaven sakes, please throw up on a French person." "Bush also renewed his pledge to rid the world of evil one Dixie Chick at a time." "Here in Los Angeles we're disappointed because none of our college teams made the tourney.  Tough break for the UCLA Bruins, the USC Trojans, and the LA Clippers."
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