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Moto-Humor #3

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�����This is the third page of motorcycle and camping-related humor - jokes, lists, etc. Some adult topics and languages are on these pages. If you have any good 'uns, send 'em to me! Newest jokes are at the top of the list and each new joke/bit begins in RED.
�����Use the link here or at the bottom of the page for more motorycle humor on page one, page two or page four.

�����And from Donzo in Arkansas: I work at a nuclear power plant that is currently in outage. We borrow employees from sister sites, as outages are very labor intensive. I noticed several Harley leaving after the night shift. Their tags told me they were from a sister site about 500 miles away. I mentioned this to one of my friends who, as it turned out, knew the guys and he commented that they were happy to be able to bring their bikes up to do some riding in some new territory. I asked if they trailered them up. His reply was priceless: "Of course, how else can you get a Harley to finish a 500 mile trip?"

�����Bubba and Lurleen were cruising some old back roads on their Hawg when Bubba suddenly spotted something and wrestled his bike to a halt on the shoulder.
�����"C'mon, Lurleen," Bubba said, pulling his old lady off the pillion. As she sputtered something about not wanting to stop in the middle of nowhere, Bubba explained, "Lurleen! This is where we first made love, all them years ago! Remember? I backed you up agin thet fence and . . ." Before his startled companion could respond, Bubba was peelin' off her leathers. Okay, Lurleen helped a bit.
�����When both were buck nekkid below their Sturgis t-shirts, Bubba pushed Lurleen up against the fence. When she moaned, he knew she was READY. He proceeded to have mad, passionate sex with his "old lady", getting thoroughly aroused by her moans and resistance to his efforts.
�����A few moments later, both collapsed to the ground, gasping for air. Bubba finally was able to get to his feet and helped Lurleen back into her shorts and leather chaps. As they remounted the bike, Lurleen had a hard time staying upright - she sagged to one side and moaned.
�����"DAMN I'M GOOD!" Bubba boasted. "I don't remember you getting so wasted when he had sex against that fence ten years ago!"
�����"Well," Lurleen panted, trying to focus her eyes, "I don't remember that fence being electrified ten years ago, neither."

�����You MIGHT be a Redneck Biker if:

�����Harley Vasectomy. Bubba and Lorene, a Harley biker couple, after having their 10th child, decided that that was enough. They went to their doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor, a Vulcan rider, told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it and put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
�����Bubba says to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man on two wheels, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."
�����So the couple drove to another doctor's office to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he looked out the window and noticed they were riding Milwaukee iron. This Gold Wing drivin' doctor also told Bubba and Lorene to go home, get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
�����Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the couple went home. Bubba lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

�����Two bikers riding across Texas are pulled over by a police cruiser. The officer walks up to the first biker, pauses while the riders remove their helmets, then pulls out his nightstick and whacks the first biker atop his head with the club.
�����"AAOOWW!" the biker yells, "why'd yah do that!"
�����"You're in Texas now, son," the trooper replied, "when an officer pulls you over, you pull out your license and hand it to him with a smile when he reaches you." After writing the ticket, the cop moves over to the other biker, who's now holding out HIS driving license and smiling. After the cop writes the ticket for this biker, he whacks HIM over the head with his nightstick.
�����"AAAOOOOWWWW!!" biker number 2 yells. "Why'd you hit ME? I GAVE you my damn license!"
�����"Jest makin' yer wish come true, son," the cop answers.
�����"What?!?!"
�����"Two miles down the road," the cop says, "you was gonna say to yerself, 'I wish that lousy sonofabitch would've tried that shit with ME!"

�����Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
�����His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."
�����A few days later, Roger and his girlfriend go to her parents' house for dinner for the first time. He wants to show off his new bike so they go there on the motorcycle.
�����As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."
�����When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.
�����They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks. Near the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops her right there on the dining room table. Nobody says anything.
�����He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.
�����He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.
�����Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."

�����Microsoft and Harley-Davidson to Merge - The Board of Directors of the Microsoft Corporation, the world's largest computer software provider, and the Harley-Davidson Motor Company, America's largest manufacturer of heavyweight motorcycles, have voted to approve a merger that will create one of the world's largest but strangest multinational corporations.
�����"When you think about it, it only makes sense," said Harley-Davidson Director of Communications Steve Piehl. "We both share the same fundamental design philosophies: Our products are large, antiquated, slow, full of bugs and break down at the most unexpected moments. We like to think of this natural marriage as synergy."
�����Microsoft representatives declined to comment, pending a Justice Department review. However, incriminating e-mails will be available soon.
�����The new company will be known as Micro-Davidson and based neither in Redmond, Washington nor Milwaukee, Wisconsin but somewhere in between. Company representatives have been scouting sites along the Wyoming/South Dakota border. Instead of moving to an existing township, the cash-rich conglomerate plans to build its own. Micro-Davidson reps denied a rumor that they plan to petition Congress for statehood, but told Motorcycle on-line that buying a few counties is not out of the question.
�����Micro-Davidson will trade simultaneously on both the NYSE and Nasdaq stock exchanges under the symbol WERULE. Financial details of the merger have not been made public but it is expected to be a stock for stock exchange.
�����Currently in the works is an entirely new motorcycle model, the first from the new M-D. Named the MicroHog, the new cruiser will be powered by a brand new engine, the Twin Cam 95.1 -- an air-cooled, push rod V-Twin containing an Intel Pentium III processor that will automatically load Internet Explorer 4.0 upon thumbing the starter button and overwrite all competing browsers while disabling most non-genuine Harley-Davidson parts.
������Following Microsoft's example, MicroHogs will not be owned outright by the purchaser, but rather licensed for personal use. Upgrades will be available, the price of which depends on the market.
�����M-D's software side will receive some pointers from the former Motor Company as well. "Instead of that soft, shrill squeak you hear when you boot your computer or open a new program, you will now hear a loud rumble and your keyboard will vibrate," said Piehl. "And, of course, there will be a waiting list for the most popular programs."
�����Fears have risen regarding the formation of the proposed high-low tech monolith. Software developers and aftermarket providers claim that the MicroHog's design will not run competing programs or aftermarket accessories, effectively creating a monopoly in both personal computer operating systems and heavyweight cruiser motorcycles and accessories.

�����What's the difference between a rat bike & a Hoover (the vacuum cleaner)? The position of the dirt bag. From Bo Cato on a '98 ZX-6R Ninja (oooh, you're goin' ta Hell for that one!)

�����Bubba was riding his bike down to Bike Week. It was a hot day and as he rolled down A1A, he saw a nice stretch of beach beside a swamp, no one around. Bubba decided to stop and take a little swim to cool off. After pulling behind some trees and dropping his trou', he put on his trunks. He continued to undress when he heard a noise out in the swamp. Bubba was startled to see a 'gator in the murky water. He grabbed his stuff and rolled his bike out of the trees and onto the beach. He thought about getting back on his bike when he saw a guy walking along the beach.
�����"Hey!" Bubba yelled, "saw a gator back in the swamp. I was gonna swim in the ocean, but if there are gators in the swamp, do I have to worry about meeting one in the ocean?"
�����The local guy paused for moment, then said, "Nope, no gators in the ocean."
�����"GREAT!" Bubba yelled, and began running toward the surf. As he got a few feet into the water, he heard the guy on the beach add:
�����"Them sharks eat any gators that get into the ocean."

�����A flea oiled his little flea legs & his little flea arms & was soaking up some sun at Daytona Beach during Bike Week when an old flea friend of his walked by. "Bubba, what happened to you?" the first flea asked when he saw how ragged his friend was - runny nose, red eyes, teeth chattering.
�����"I got a ride down here in some biker's mustache and nearly froze my nuts off!" Bubba wheezed.
�����"Let me give you a tip, son," said the first flea. "Next year, go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, get up on the toilet seat and when a stewardess comes in, hop on for a nice warm ride, got it?"
�����Next year, while stretched out on the beach, the first flea saw his friend Bubba again, looking more miserable and chilled than last year. "I did everything you said," Bubba told his friend, "I went to the stewardess lounge, made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off."
�����"And so?" the first flea asked.
�����"And so, the next thing I know, I'm on that damn biker's mustache again!"

�����Top 10 Signs a computer is owned by a Harley driver:

�����Bubba has been driving for hours on the Interstate and reaches the town of Pecos, Texas.� "Think I'll stop for something cold," he decides, and turns his old scooter off the super-slab.� First place he spots in a Dairy Queen - Bubba pulls in and turns off his bike.� Inside the DQ, he gets a tall ice tea and, on impulse, a large vanilla ice cream cone.
�����Some time later, Bubba finishes the last of the tea and scarfs down the ice cream, getting some smeared on his face in the process.� Unaware, he goes outside to crank his bike and get back on the road toward El Paso.� He kick starts the bike and hears a loud "POP".� Try as he might, he can't get the bike to run for more than a few seconds and then it pumps oil out of the tail pipe.
�����A young lady walks over to help and sees this scraggly dude in leathers, a smokin' bike, and white stuff all around his mouth.
�����"Hey, what's happenin'?" she asks.
�����"Ah, nuts, I think I blew a seal," Bubba replies.
�����"Hmm.� Well, I wasn't interested in your sex life, I just wanted to find out what was wrong with your bike," young woman says before she walks away.

�����Camping humor - actual comments left on "Comment" cards by people visiting our National Parks.� I think I've camped with the bozos who wrote these things!

Submitted by LizS237058@aol.com

Psst! More stuff on page one, page two or page four!!
Last Updated on 19 Sep, 1999. Send your submissions of motorcycle jokes to me, today!�
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