Hello, Real Hellish Minions. It is I, Satan -- running mate of Texas Governor George W. - - oh, why even bother? It’s not like you idiots are listening to me anyway. You try to spread a little evil in the upper world, you try to make it just a little more miserable for everybody else, and what thanks do you get? Absolutely, positively none.

As you can probably tell, today has been one of those days. It started with those "Smoking Jet" morons convincing a two bit Arizona paper to run the "Dubya is a Draft Dodger" story. And then I learn that there have been at least 100,000 idiots calling CNN to complain about them suppressing the transcript of Larry Flynt accusing Dubya of being involved in an illegal abortion in the early 1970s.

Don’t get me wrong. I got nothing against these stories coming out and watching Dubya get knocked on his rich, fat ass for a change. In fact, I plan to sell tickets when that happens. Maybe even make it one of those Pay-Per-View events. It’s the timing, really. This kind of stuff should stay completely underground until after the election, so that people feel totally betrayed. You know, before that jerk "Vice" President "Al" Gore (D-Not NaderBush) invented that stupid Internet, it used to be much easier to control mob psychology. Or maybe I’m just loosing my touch. I don’t know...

See, I was going to have Rupert Murdoch insist the candidates do a half hour of live kareoke on Fox before they could make a political statement. But then I found out Gore can sing. Today is just not my day!

Anyway... do you know how I spent today, this long, miserable, awful day? I know I told Idiot Boy and the Damage Control Squad I was going to the Middle East to spread more hate and desperation, but really I wanted to follow that Goody-Two-Shoes-Mega-Brain Gore around to see what he was doing. My original thinking was, it can’t hurt to check out the opposition, see if any openings appear to plant some stolen debate prep tapes on him, you know, the usual.

And as I'm thinking about maybe getting up and getting dressed, the radio plays the latest Reuters/MSNBC poll, which says that Greenlican Presidential Candidate Ralph W. BushNader (Gr-Totally Way Not Gore) was going to spoil the election for the Gore and how it was inexplicable that the Vice President couldn’t get any traction with the economy so robust.

I gotta be honest for a second, as much as it disgusts me. I have spent so much time buying off pollsters and making sure that only partisan idiots figure out the polls that even I had no idea whether that report was true or not.

I can't wait until Ralph W. NaderBush has a case before the Nazi Supreme Court his candidacy is going to inflict on America. He thinks you can't get anything Progressive done now? It's gonna be a total hoot!

Then I remembered my little rule: "Pro-Smirk? Our work. Pro-Gore? Get sore!"

Then I about laughed myself sick, thinking about the tortured state of Gore’s soul. He must be so scared of George W. BushNader coming in from the Left and the Right that he can’t think straight. That idiot Gore’s spent his whole life in politics, trying live his dream of becoming President, and here he is, so very, very close to victory and suddenly this one issue fruit-bat swings down out of nowhere, accusing Gore of being a traitor to his pet issue, labeling him a hypocritical failure at the thing he best known for, and steals the whole damn election from him! Gore must be on the point of insanity!! Maybe he’ll even have a nervous breakdown on stage and start slapping his family around! Wouldn’t that be great?

I meant to get right on it, but somehow I got kind of a late start. Actually, I spent the morning eating a Sara Lee coffee cake and catching up on Regis. You know, It’s just not the same without Kathi Lee. So by the time I got dressed and checked the wire services, this picture was being sent out about Dubya:

Fargo, N.D.: Repreen Candidate Texas Governor George W. BushNader explains the advantages of his social security privatization plan to a group of local scouts.

Pretty pathetic, isn’t it? No matter how dark the photo is, I guarantee you somebody’s going to figure out we packed all the folks dumb enough to show up at one end. And that those bratty little scouts will out-think Dubya from the word go.

So I started wondering if maybe the day wouldn’t be better spent watching QVC and seeing if those crystal mood dragons would come up for sale again -- you know, those limited edition fantasy figurines complete with Austrian crystal accent, issued by the Franklin Mint? I almost got the Pink one, because it was the ugliest thing I've seen in about five hundred years, I mean a real eyesore, but then I remembered I'd maxed out my Visa buying weapons of mass destruction for my good friends in Idaho, when the wire service coughed this up:

Riverdale, Iowa: U.S. Vice President Al Gore greets young schoolchildren during an impromtu stop at a local Head Start program.

Vice President Gore: "Listen, (Texas Governor George W. BushNader) spends – he proposes to spend more on a tax cut for the wealthiest 90,000 multimillionaires than he proposes to spend on new improvements in the 90,000 public schools in America, with 43 million students. Hel-lo?! Gimme a break! He proposes to spend more on a tax cut on the wealthiest one percent than all the new spending he proposes for education, health care and national defense all put together. What is that all about??" Madison, Wisconsin 10/26/2000.

Here's that Goody-Two-Shoes-Mega-Brain Gore "thrilling" over 30,000 losers from Wisconsin. You know, even if I lived in Wisconsin, I would never be this bored.

"Hel-lo?! Gimme a break!"?

"What is that all about"??

It’s about lining your own pockets, buddy! It’s about looking out for Numero Uno and saying "Screw You" to the rest of the world!! Try it sometime for a change!!!

What an idiot.

As I’m driving back to Houston at 358 mph, I’m starting to calm down. Okay, so he got lucky with 30,000 losers who actually "think about the issues" and "care what happens to America". Big whoop. My secret weapon Ralph W. NaderBush will save the day. You know, I can’t wait for whatever rogue Democrat goes postal and leaks all the dirt on Ralph W. BushNader. Boy, am I gonna love watching "Mr. Clean" get discredited in the eyes of every wincing Lefty except the real Looney Toons. Not that the uber-Greenlicans will pay any attention at all. They’ll cover their ears and scream "Ralph’s pure, Ralph’s pure, Ralph’s pure" till their lips bleed. They’re more delusional than the American Communist Party was in the 1930s. You know, I miss Stalin. There was a guy who knew how to work a room with the fear of slow, painful death.

The one bright spot in the whole day is that the polar ice caps are melting even faster than people thought they were. And that idiot Smirk doesn't think they need to do anything about it! When BushNader wins, I'm never gonna be able to stop laughing!!

And just as I'm thinking about gunning the gas and swerving to total somebody's brand new Lexus that they parked in their front yard, rather than the street, suddenly the radio comes on with this wonderful new poll result: more than half of the NaderBushes say they’ll vote Gore at the last minute!

It took a second to sink in: "Pro-Smirk? Our work. Pro-Gore? Get sore."

And the second I finish remembering that stupid rhyme, some other Big Time Major League Asshole comes on the radio and reads off yet another poll, this one saying BushNader support in Wisconsin is weak, and besides, Gore is winning the state all by himself!

Sometimes I think I should just give up politics.

Maybe after the election.

THE REVIEWS ARE IN!!

Thanks to Kevin@Cunninghamstrikes.com - - King Of The Phototoon!!

"If You Don't Know About Cunninghamstrikes.com - -
You don't know Smirk About Comedy!"




THIS JUST IN!!
We at the Daily Flapdoodle don’t know if this is legitimate or not, but if it is,
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