Amusing Quotes

Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who decided to stand their ground.

~Quote Art by Fire Dragon~

To err is human, to blame the next guy even more so.

The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided. --Casey Stengal

I'm not intending to imply insult or judgment here but I am curious to know in order to be able to respond to your posts in an appropriate manner, so please forgive what appears to be, but in fact is not intended as, an insulting question: Are you stupid? --Melinda Shore

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. --General G. C. Patton

A diplomat is a man who says you have an open mind, instead of telling you that you have a hole in the head.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up.

Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.

Since we cannot match it let us take our revenge by abusing it. --Michel De Montaigne

There are two rules for success... 1) Never tell everything you know. --Roger H. Lincoln

I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe. --Marcus, Babylon 5

"Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you'll be a mile away and have their shoes."

Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat.

Be nice to other people; they outnumber you 5.5 billion to one.

To obtain a man's opinion of you, make him mad. --Oliver Wendell Holmes

The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it. --Elaine Agather

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe. --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me. --A. A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. --Voltaire

If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius. --Larry Leissner

"Courage is the art of being the only one to know you're scared to death." ---Earl Wilson

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. --P. J. O'Rourke

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives. --William Dement

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. --Nathaniel Borenstein

I believe I have no prejudices whatsoever. All I need to know is that a man is a member of the human race. That's bad enough for me. --Mark Twain

Do what's right. Do it right. Do it right now. --Barry Forbes

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. --Jeff Marder

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. --Aldous Huxley

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. --Ashleigh Brilliant

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. --Joe Ancis

A punishment to some, to some a gift, and to many a favor. (Death) --Seneca

Don't strew me with roses after I'm dead.
When Death claims the light of my brow
No flowers of life will cheer me: instead
You may give me my roses now! --Thomas F. Healey

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. --George Bernard Shaw

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. --Will Rogers

Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. --Peter O'Toole, The Ruling Class

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. --Rita Mae Brown

Some day my boat will come in, and with my luck I'll be at the airport. --Graffiti

In a mad world, only the mad are sane. --Akiro Kurosawa

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. --Carl Zwanzig

The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards. --Alexander Jablokov, The Place of No Shadows

"A mistress is something between a mister and a mattress"

"Love is an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired." --Robert Frost

"you're assuming, and do you know what that does? When you assume, that makes an ass out of u and me"

"Life is like a box of chocolates, the good ones are already taken."

"Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?" --Tom Stoppard

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's pupils" --Berlioz

"Software development today is a race between programmers trying to create bigger, better, and more idiot proof programs, and the Universe trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

"There are many paths to enlightenment. Sadly, none of them involve pizza" --RonRon Shubadi

"They say marriages are made in heaven. Is this because that's also where thunder and lightning are made?"

"Get your own quote dammit. This one's MINE"

"Life is as easy as 3.141592653589"

"Sometimes I go off into my own little world... But that's okay; they know me there." --AJ

"If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane."

"I was born wild --this terrible compulsion to behave normally is the result of childhood trauma."

" I know life isn't fair. I just wish it wouldn't cheat so much"

"Confidence is what you feel when you don't really understand the situation"

"They say that behind every successful man stands a woman. Could it be that in front of that woman, stands a man who keeps getting in her way?"

"I have given up anarchy. Too many rules --- hating the government and all that stuff." --G.H. Hill

"You are a total, total,...a word has yet to be invented to describe how totally whatever it is you are, but you are one and a total, total one at that!"

"Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight."---G.C. Lichtenberg

"I have a large collection of sea shells, I keep them stored on beaches around the world. Perhaps you've seen them?" --Steve Wright.

"Everyone is a damn fool for at least 5 minutes a day, wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit."

"A jury consists of 12 people who determine who has the better lawyer"

"Just remember - when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."

"People don't want a cheaper car. They want an expensive car that costs less."

"When the first living thing was created, I was there, waiting. And when the last living thing shall perish, my job will be done. I'll put the chairs on the tables, turn out the lights and lock the universe behind me when I leave" --Death --pages of The Sandman

"She was stark naked except for a PVC raincoat, dress, net, stockings, undergarments, shoes, rain hat, and gloves.---Keith Waterhouse

"You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."---Al Capone

"Who invented milking a cow, and what on earth did they think they were doing?"

"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt"---Joseph Heller

"Victory has a hundred memories but defeat has amnesia."---W.I. Gates

"A celebrity is a person who works hard to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised"---Fred Allen

"In my time I've had my knee put out, broken my collar bone, had my nose smashed, a rib broken, lost a few teeth, and ricked my ankle, but as soon as I get a bit of bad luck I'm going to quit the game."---J.W. Robinson (football)

"The car of tomorrow is being driven on the highway of yesterday by the driver of today."---Rolfe Arrow

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