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| Humorous Survival Tips for Non Football Fans by Loraine Mirchich |
Have you accidentally stepped in front of the TV during a football game and lived to tell about it, or are you ignored during this season? In order to be noticed try at least one of my foolproof suggestions: 1. Wear tight pants, an oversized jersey and a Tupperware bowl on your head in preparation for the big game. Someone will notice. 2. If your boyfriend or husband has invited friends to watch the game, pat each of them on their rear ends as they enter your home. Someone will notice. 3. Use a felt tipped pen to draw tiny goal posts on the porcelain rim of your toilet(s). Be sure that the ink is washable. You can tell if the previous user aimed poorly, missed the center, and hit the goal posts. Someone will notice. 4. If the guests are all male, and beer is served, you may want to cover the bathroom floor with a green tarp. Paste pictures of frogs on it for an authentic look. Someone will notice. 5. Post Penalty rules for excessive roughness in the handling of your refrigerator door and other furniture. Someone will notice. 6. Before the game, give everyone one dime. If anyone shouts an obscenity they must forfeit their money. Their pocket change may be collected for additional slips. Count the money at each commercial or during half-time. Someone will notice. 7. Serve a lot to eat. A black and white striped tablecloth is never good. It may cause indigestion and frequent trips to your bathroom. If the game is a close one, place several bottles of antacids on the table along with the food. Someone will notice. 8. As your guests are leaving, just as they step outside your door, pour a beverage on their heads. This is especially important if they were cheering for the winning team. Someone will notice. The word fan has always puzzled me. It could be short for fantasy, meaning only in your dreams. If could be short for fanatic, meaning I will do anything humanly possible, to see a particular sport. A fan can also be used for relief from a lot of hot air. In any case, I am none of the above. Warning, don't congratulate yourself if you survive past the Super Bowl, Arena Football is gaining in popularity. |
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