SoYouThinkYouCanBeATeacher

Teacher Feature

So, you think you can be a teacher. You pack your plan-book, your coffeee mug, your bullet proof vest, and march resolutely to your classroom.
Back when college texts were chiseled on cave walls, I thought the same thing. I marvel at the fact that my professors, with all their accumulated knowledge and prestige, never initiated a class called "Teaching Emergencies 101." My text would include the following:

"WHAT TO DO WHEN ..."
Chapter I
Physical Distress:
A. A student throws up on your shoes.
B. A student puts a foreign object in a bodily cavity.
C. A student poops in their pants or leaves a puddle.
     (be sure labor or child birth is not imminent)
D. A student pinches, hits, kicks, or flattens another child.
E. A student attempts to flatten you.
F. A student harms himself by falling, hitting his head repeatedly, stabbing himself
      with a pen, or punching a wall.
G. You suspect a kidnapping ... either parental or stranger.
H. You must referee a gym class.
I.. You have drills ... Fire drills, Tornado drills, Earthquake drills,
      Bomb drills, Hostage drills, Terrorist drills, and Dentist drills. (gotchya!)

Chapter II
Emotional Distress:
A. Johnny can't read, Johnny can't write, Johnny can't do math.
B. Johnny refuses to talk. Johnny talks excessively.
C. Johnny's mother thinks it's all your fault, or Johnny's mother doesn't care.
D. A student has frequent absences or attempts to hide bodily bruises.
F. Students are harassed because of physical or mental disabilities.
G. Students are excluded because of religion, race, physical traits, or economic status.

Chapter III
Physical and Emotional stress combined:
A. A student brings a weapon to school.
B. You have a conference with a "Not my child," kind of parent.
C. The Principal or Superintendent enters your class to OBSERVE.
D. Due to some unforseen disaster, you are not adequately prepared for class.
E. You are adequately prepared for class and the lesson falls apart anyway.
F. You tax your creative ability in order to compete with TV and Video games.
G. You have Playground Duty and Bus Duty ON THE SAME DAY.

Chapter IV
Reaping rewards without a dollar sign:
A. You learn to love your work.
B. You learn to love something about EACH student.
C. You learn to love something about yourself.
D. You discover that macaroni and cheese, and Ramen noodles, are
     as economical on a teacher's salary, as they are on a student's budget.
E. This section would be blank so that you may record your own personal rewards.
Summary and Conclusion:
A. No written or oral tests are included with my textbook. As a Teacher,
     YOU WILL BE TESTED each day. Best wishes! So much of our future,
     depends on your commitment.
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Picture in honor
of Charles M. Schulz