The Distracted Ones

Attention Deficit Disorder in your browser- The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working.

Thought of the Week Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

Issue I, Monday, June 6, 2005

News (We are not making these up, Honest!) And don't forget the wings, or else... Charlotte, NC (AP) 05/25/05- A 5-foot, 98lb 86- year-old woman was arrested and charged with abusing emergency services and resisting arrest after she called 911 dispatchers 20 times in 30 min-- to complain that a pizza parlor wouldn't deliver. Your call is very important to us... Toronto, Canada (Reuters) 05/25/05- The government-funded suicide hotline for St. Edward's Island (pop 137,000) according to gov't officials is no longer 24/7, and will only be operated 9am-5pm Mon-Fri.

Pic of the Week

Check out all of the past Pics of the week here.

Your Horoscope:* You will confide your inner most thoughts to a loud mouth gossip. Be prepared to read about your exploits in the local birdcage liner. You learn a valuable lesson that you will be discussing at length in front of a special committee of the US House of  Representatives.

This Week's Issue

Archive

Fun Stuff

Ask the Magic 8-Ball* Q:Will doing that really make you go blind? A:Ask again later

Pictures

Distractions

Other Stuff

Your fortune cookie says:* Those voices in your head start to make sense.

Links

Surrealist Compliment: Sound barricades itself into rolls of peanut butter when you speak.

Zen question of the week: What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Completely Useless facts: Owls are the only bird that can see the color blue. There are more plastic flamingos in the US than real ones. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

This week's joke: What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Other funky stuff: Hey, Kids! Sometimes it's hard to figure out whether "Mom" and "Dad" are really your actually your parents. Here are some things to look out for that mean you were adopted. You're not allowed to get a trampoline. Other family members enjoy foods that taste "yucky" to you. You're made to sleep in your own private room, sequestered from the rest of the family. Mom and Dad find occasions once or twice a year to shower you with gifts so you won't feel so bad about being abandoned by your real parents. You don't remember your parents bringing you home from the hospital when you were born. Your parent;s call each other by names other than "Mommy" or "Daddy" to conceal their true identities. Your parents don't let you go out at night, when your real parents might try to steal you back. Only adopted, or "rejected," children have to brush their teeth. You don't have the same eye and hair color as your parents, and aren't the same height. Your parents sometimes go into their room and shut the door--This is to talk about whether the adoption was such a good idea. Your parents are not as nice to you as your friends' parents are to them. Your brother or sister has a nicer bicycle than you, You're not allowed to have a puppy, because the puppy could tell by the scent. Once a week, Mom and Dad go to church to pray for a real child. Remember! If it turns out you were adopted, do not misbehave in any way or your parents will sell you to the gypsies.

*The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic. Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by randon excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.)

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