The Distracted Ones

Attention Deficit Disorder in your browser- The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working.

Thought of the Week It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Issue  III Monday, June 20, 2005

Pic of the Week

News (We are not making these up, Honest!) Denver, CO (KMGH-TV) 03/03/05- The maker of Doggles (which for several years has manufactured sunglasses for dogs) now offers corrective lens Doggles for about $75, which vet opthamologists can prescribe as alternatives to $2000 lens replacement surgery. Brooklyn, NY (New York Post) 05/25/05- Awiey "Chucky" Hernandez, 20, was arrested when he went to the 90th precinct station to check on the status of a pal, Huquan "Guns" Gavin, 18. Police recognized him when Hernandez inadvertently stood in front of his own Wanted poster, which showed a photo of him with Gavin.

Check out all of the past Pics of the week here.

Your Horoscope:* Jupiter is moving into Cancer's house on the 8th, sleeping on his sofa and not closing the toilet lid. Your enthusiasm to "mix things up" with your blend of no holds-barred anger and a total lack of listening to reason has won you many fans among the planets, but annoying people here on Earth. Avoid processed meats.

Index

Archive

Fun Stuff

Ask the Magic 8-Ball* Q: Are you avoiding me? A: Ask again later

Pictures

Distractions

Useless Website of the Week: Cursor Thief Live! Click here to go there.

Other Stuff

Links

Your fortune cookie says:* He who farts in church sits in own pew.

Surrealist Compliment: Be still, my watermelon rind. I am consumed with your collection of agile fans and pocked blades.

Zen question: Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?

Completely Useless facts: 40% of McDonalds' profits come from the sales of Happy meals. Most lipstick contains fish scales There are no words in the English language that rhyme with silver, orange, month, or purple. The first CD pressed in the US was Springsteen's "Born in the USA"

This week's joke: While on a state visit to England, George W. Bush meets the queen and proclaims, "As I'm the President of America, I'm thinking of changing how my great nation is referred to. It should be called a kingdom." The queen replies, "I'm sorry, Mr. Bush, but to be a kingdom, you have to be a king, and you're not." W thinks for a moment and then asks, "How about a principality then?" The queen replies, "Again, to be a principality you have to be a prince, and you're not  a prince, Mr. Bush." Bush thinks long and hard and comes up with another option, "How about an empire?" Getting a little annoyed by now, the queen replies, "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an empire you must have an emperor in charge, and you are not an emperor." Before W could utter another word, the queen offers solace. "Don't worry Mr. Bush, under your leadership, America is just perfect as a country."

Other funky stuff: Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying. WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

*The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic. Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by randon excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.)

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