The Distracted Ones

Attention Deficit Disorder in your browser- The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working.

Thought of the Week I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

Issue  V Monday, July 4th, 2005

Pic of the Week

News (We are not making these up, Honest!) Sweet, sweet irony Tennessee (USA Today-AP) 05/25/05- Jerry Adams, deputy Finance commissioner of Tennessee, was stranded for 13 hours in a State Capitol elevator in May. He was unable to use the emergency telephone because it had been disconnected over nonpayment of the bill. Good Luck to ya! Marshfield, MO (KYTV) 06/10/05- After a passerby found two kids (ages 6 & 12) dragging suitcases along a rural road, prosecutors charged their mother, Roxanna Osborne, and her boyfriend, Timmy Young, with child abandonment. The kids say their mother awakened them, given them $5 each, and told them to pack up and leave. The kids also told police that the two adults are drug users.

Check out all of the past Pics of the week here.

This Week's Issue

Your Horoscope:* Beware slicing cucumbers and related vegetables during the Neptunian Hyper-phase gesticulation around the 14th. During this time you will get nothing accomplished at work either, so go do something else instead. Eat more fruit.

Archive

Fun Stuff

Pictures

Ask the Magic 8-Ball* Q:What would Jesus do? A:Cannot predict now.

Distractions

Other Stuff

Links

Useless Website of the Week: Gizoogle! Click here to go there.

Your fortune cookie says:* War do not determine who right, war determine who left.

Surrealist Compliment: The ocean's foam matches the froth of hair streaming through your lips.

Zen question: If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Completely Useless facts: Bats always turn left when exiting a cave. The glue on Israili postage stamps is certified kosher. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

This week's joke: A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you for free!” The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and returns with his suitcase packed, as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife exclaims. “I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!”

Other funky stuff: Stop Smoking Tips Millions of Americans are addicted to smoking. If you are among them but don't want to be, here are some tips to help you kick the habit. Avoid doing things you associate with smoking, such as drinking, eating, walking, and being awake. Get thrown in jail, where cigarettes can only be acquired in exchange for painful sexual favors. Lobby your elected representatives to pass a $6,913 sales tax on packs of cigarettes. Write a rap song about how smoking is not cool. Perform it at local elementary schools. Move to California, where tobacco possession is illegal. Avoid thinking about the rich, full flavor of Benson & Hedges. Fill your home with motivational placards bearing such slogans as, "Smoking Is For Pussies" and "Only A Fucking Retard Would Even Think About Smoking." Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. If a loved one quits smoking, keep an ashtray around as a handy substitute. Attractive people smoke because it makes them look cool. Acknowledge that you are neither attractive nor cool. Cover yourself in egg whites. No one knows why this works. Join a stop-smoking support group. Be sure it's one that meets on a different night than your other six support groups. Hypnotism has helped many people quit, but you risk becoming the hypnotist's slave. It's your choice: quitting smoking or freedom. Teach yourself a valuable lesson by slowly dying of lung cancer.

*The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic. Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.)

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