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The Distracted Ones

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The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working.

Thought of the Week
Remember: Half the people you know are below average.

Issue VII
Monday, July 18, 2005

Pic of the Week

News
(We are not making these up, Honest!)
Next Caller...
CHICAGO (AP) 7/20/05 - Randy Washington, 24, pleaded guilty Monday to federal charges in the robbery of the South Cicago Heights TCF Bank in April 2004. He and five others robbed the branch and escaped with $81,000. There were no leads in the case until this year, when Washington called a popular confessions show on WKSC-FM radio to talk about the heist.

Take two car keys and call me in the morning
FONTANA, Calif. 07/22/05 - A school security supervisor caught a 13-year-old boy behind the wheel of the family car when he pulled up Tuesday morning in the staff parking lot at Ruth Harris Middle School. The mother and son live in San Bernardino, about 14 miles away from the school. When the school officer called his home, his mother Ricela Perez, 35, said, "I had a headache and didn't want to drive to school, so I let him drive."

Check out all of the past Pics of the week here.

This Week's Issue

Your Horoscope:*
Pluto's diurnic arc causes concern for many, but creates a passion for greatness that causes you to raid the self help section of your neighbor's bookshelf. Be careful not to overdo it, as putting your kid's college fund into Tony Robbin's CDs and seminars can have dire consequences. Don't forget to do the dishes tonight.

Ask the Magic 8-Ball*
Q: Is the Horoscope full of shit?
A: Perhaps

Other Stuff

Links

Useless Website of the Week:
I AM A TURTLE
Click here to go there.

Your fortune cookie says:*
Man who jump off cliff, jump to conlusion.

Surrealist Compliment:
Your nasal linings will last as long as the skin of rocks, thrust enigmatically upon a distant shorline of mating beetles.

Zen question:
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Completely Useless facts:
The first product manufactured by Motorola was a record player for automobiles.
The voice of Shaggy on Scooby Doo cartoons is that of Casey Kasem
Birds have the right of way on all Utah highways.
Tigers not only have striped fur, but striped skin as well.

This week's joke:
A young executive is leaving the office late one night when he finds the CEO standing over the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
�This is a very sensitive official document,� says the CEO. �My secretary�s gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?�
�Sure,� says the junior exec as he turns on the shredder and hits the start button.
�Great,� says the CEO. �I just need one copy.�

Other funky stuff:
You Know You Grew Up In The 80's If...

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE".
2. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
3. You remember "Where's the Beef?"
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH " comes from Joey on Blossom.
8. Two words: Hammer Pants.
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock ".
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and "spokey-dokes" or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect.
12. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big screen... and still know the turtles names.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
17. You played the game "MASH ". (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear... need I say more.
20. You owned a bannana clip.
21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing " and all the Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF".
23. You tight rolled your jeans.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us... head-to-toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT " after every sentence.
30. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' about Willis?"
31. You still sing "We are the World"
32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. (and like #24, probably in neon colors, too)
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"
36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. Homemade Levi shorts. (the shorter the better)
43. "Don't worry, be happy"
44. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do...getting yelled at by "younger hip" members of the family)
46. "Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK "
47. You remember boom boxes. and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
48. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies.
49. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!"
50. You remember watching "Rainbow Bright" and "My Little Pony Tales "
51. You know all the words to Bon Jovi's You give love a bad name - "SHOT THROUGH THE HEART!"
52. You just sang those words to yourself.
53. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool... and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB".
54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By the Bell ", the ORIGINAL class.
55. You remember when mullets were cool!
56. You had a mullet!
57. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
58. You're still singing "shot through the heart" in your head,aren't you?

*The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic.

Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.)