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| The Distracted Ones | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Attention Deficit Disorder in your browser- The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working. |
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| Thought of the Week He who laughs last thinks slowest. |
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| Issue VIII Monday, July 25, 2005 |
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| News (We are not making these up, Honest!) Everyone Outta the pool! We're going in San Marcos, TX (AP) 07/03/05-, Dave Newman, 48, rescued a swimmer caught in the currents of the San Marcos River, pulling the man underneath a waterfall and to shore. However, when Newman tried to climb out of the water, a police officer offered his hand but only to arrest Newman for interfering with "official" rescuers (who, of course, failed to get to the man before Newman did). Who'd take care of the leeches and distribute the tonics? Los Angeles, CA (National Post-Toronto), 7-23-05 In July, a jury in Los Angeles awarded Robert Johnson, the former "chief physician and surgeon" at California State Prison at Lancaster, $1.6 million in compensatory damages for age discrimination after he had been forced to retire in 2001 at age 80. Most of that award represents future salary for Johnson, signifying that the jury perhaps accepted trial testimony that Johnson was fit to continue in his job until the age of 96. |
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| Pic of the Week | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Check out all of the past Pics of the week here. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| This Week's Issue | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Archive | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Your Horoscope:* A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don't. Try to think of life as a game, today. For fun, make up new rules. |
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| Fun Stuff | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Pictures | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Distractions | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Ask the Magic 8-Ball* Q: Is today an ozone action day? A:Answer hazy Try again later |
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| Other Stuff | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Links | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Useless Website of the Week: Uses for Duct Tape Click here to go there. Or even here |
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| Your fortune cookie says:* Baseball all wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk. |
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| Surrealist Compliment: Wheals and boils come forth as testament to your fine sense of haut couture. |
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| Zen question: If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them? |
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| Completely Useless facts: Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. A snail can sleep for three months. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. It is physically impossible for a pig to see right above his head. |
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| This week's joke: A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters. They are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law." |
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| Other funky stuff: Tech Support for Etch-A-Sketch Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work? A: Stop shaking it. |
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| *The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic. Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.) |
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