The Distracted Ones

Attention Deficit Disorder in your browser- The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working.

Thought of the Week To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.

Issue  IX Monday, Aug 1, 2005

Pic of the Week

News (We are not making these up, Honest!) Microsoft's gotta be watching this one. Moselle, France (The Guardian-London), 7/11/05 A French bus line filed an unfair-competition lawsuit against a group of cleaning ladies in Moselle, who used to be customers but who recently began car-pooling to their jobs across the border at offices in Luxembourg. Transports Schiocchet Excursions wants the ladies fined and their cars confiscated. It's nothing anyone would miss VIENNA, Austria (AP) 07/26/05-Police at the Vienna Airport found 24 kg  of cocaine worth an estimated $16 million at a lost-and-found counter. The narcotics were in a suitcase that had been at airport lost items counter for almost a month. The suitcase had been by mistakenly checked in at Mexico City along with the luggage of a 60-year-old Austrian tourist, who had left it at the lost-and-found counter.

Check out all of the past Pics of the week here.

This Week's Issue

Your Horoscope:* You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement.

Archive

Fun Stuff

Ask the Magic 8-Ball* Q: Will airport security ever lighten up and develop a friggin sense of humor? A: Don't count on it

Pictures

Distractions

Other Stuff

Useless Website of the Week: Lost in Translation Click here to go there.

Links

Your fortune cookie says:* Man with one chopstick go hungry

Surrealist Compliment: Oh how my pathological scar desires to read poems through the ruddied girth of your soul!

Zen question: If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Completely Useless facts: In 10 minutes, a hurricane expends more energy than all of the nuclear weapons in the world combined. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. Cat's urine glows under a black light. The oldest standing building in Australia is Captain James Cook's house, brought over from England brick by brick.

This week's joke: A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?" "Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Other funky stuff: Interview Tips Performing well in interviews is one of the most important aspects of a successful job search. Here are some helpful hints for making a solid first impression on a prospective employer: -Don't sell yourself short by being too embarrassed to list all your best assets—if you've got a nice cock, you've got a nice cock. -When answering interview questions, allude frequently to "secret identity," "important work done outside the office," and "boy sidekick." -Wink knowingly throughout the interview. -The only way to make a résumé better? Make it bigger! Have it printed on oversize oak tag board. -Impress upon the interviewer that you are an aggressive, ambitious self-starter by knocking him unconscious. -Arrive at interview bedecked with diamonds and emeralds from head to toe. -No matter how "important" the interviewer makes him/herself out to be, refuse to talk to that person, saying you want the "head honcho" only. -Before putting on interview suit, douse self liberally with Polo cologne, then drink remaining contents of bottle. -Upon sitting down for interview, tell the person, "Go ahead, shut the door, I won't scream rape." -Ask the interviewer: "Confidentially, who is your greatest enemy within the company?" Then kill that person to prove your loyalty. -Bring radio remote control to interview, and offer to employer—explain that they can use it to control your every deed.

*The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic. Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.)

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