The Distracted Ones

Attention Deficit Disorder in your browser- The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working.

Thought of the Week I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Issue  X Monday, Aug 8, 2005

News (We are not making these up, Honest!) When you absolutely, positively have to get to your trial Morgantown, KY (WXIX- Cincinatti) 07/29/05 Two Bowling Green men who drove to their trial not only were convicted, but were arrested again when the trial was over. Authorities say Terry Hunt, 39, and Justin Hawkins, 24,  had driven a 2005 BMW to the courthouse to attend their jury trial on arson and insurance fraud. Police ran a check and discovered the car was stolen. Police then searched the residence of the two and found two stolen SUV Lexus' in the garage. Ptooie! KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) 07/30/05- Robin Doolin, 31, of Grandview, MO leaned out her fast-moving car to spit. She went tumbling out onto U.S. 71 in Kansas City, and to the amazement of other drivers, she hopped up and chased her car as it careened down an embankment toward a construction site. Doolin was recovering Friday night at a hospital, where she was treated for injuries to her leg, arm and head. Her explanation to officers: "I leaned out to spit and I leaned too far."

Pic of the Week

Check out all of the past Pics of the week here.

This Week's Issue

Archive

Your Horoscope:* You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened." Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however. Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo." I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.

Fun Stuff

Pictures

Distractions

Ask the Magic 8-Ball* Q: Is Elvis still alive, working as a lawnmower salesman and eating 5 meals a day at a Carl's Jr in New Jersey? A: Most likely

Other Stuff

Links

Useless Website of the Week: GoogleFight! Click here to go there.

Your fortune cookie says:* Secretary not permanent until she screwed on desk.

Surrealist Compliment: Your hair sends forth a sheen remniscent of a wounded man streaming bandage gauze from the highest church steeple.

Zen question: If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,how cold is it going to be?

Completely Useless facts: You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. The little plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

This week's joke: A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?” “I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Other funky stuff: Courtroom Quotations, Part 1 The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?" Witness: "I only have one, you know." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?" Witness: "By death." Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?" Witness: "July 15th." Lawyer: "What year?" Witness: "Every year." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?" Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet." Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?" Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it." Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?" Witness: "'Winchester'!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?" Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?" Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask." Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?" Witness: "Er...his face." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?" Witness: "I forget." Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?" Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which." Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?" Witness: "Forty-five years." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?" Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'" Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?" Witness: "My name is Susan." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?" Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?" Witness: "Yes, sir." Lawyer: "What did she say?" Witness: "'What disco am I at?'" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?" Officer: "Yes, I do." Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?" Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "What happened then?" Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'" Lawyer: "Did he kill you?" Witness: "No." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--" Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" Witness: "I went to Europe, sir." Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture." Witness: "That's me." Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?" Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8." Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?" Witness: "Four times." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

*The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic. Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.)

options