The Distracted Ones

Attention Deficit Disorder in your browser- The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working.

Thought of the Week The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Issue  XI Monday, Aug 15, 2005

Pic of the Week

News (We are not making these up, Honest!) Anger Management SIMI VALLEY, CA (AP) 08/10/05 - A man annoyed by a noisy car alarm fired at least three bullets into a Toyota Camry, silencing the alarm and bringing out police who hauled him away in handcuffs I t was an accident, officer, I swear! BERLIN, GM (Reuters) 08/10/05 - A 75-year-old German was so shocked he had accidentally run down his wife he started forward and drove over her again, authorities said on Wednesday.Police in the western town of Bad Nauheim said the man compounded his 73-year-old wife's misery after an onlooker told him he had just run her over while backing out of a parking space. The woman was rushed to hospital and survived.

Check out all of the past Pics of the week here.

This Week's Issue

Your Horoscope:* You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?

Archive

Fun Stuff

Pictures

Ask the Magic 8-Ball* Q: Are power-hungry Star Trek fans attempting to control our thoughts and create a society based on who can stick the most grapes up their nose? A: Signs point to Yes

Distractions

Other Stuff

Useless Website of the Week: What does your phone number spell? Click here to go there.

Links

Your fortune cookie says:* Man who live in glass house should dress in basement.

Surrealist Compliment: The affluent effluent of your punch bowls drives even the most zeal-minded to imbibe.

Zen question: is the alphabet in that order because of the song?

Completely Useless facts: A 2x4 is actually 1-1/2" x 3-1/2". Every person has a unique tongue print. (Say "aaah") The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

This week's joke: A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it. The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.” “I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?” “Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”

Other funky stuff: Courtroom Quotations, Part 2 The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "She had three children, right?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "How many were boys?" Witness: "None." Lawyer: "Were there girls?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?" Witness: "Yes." Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?" Witness: "Not yet." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?" Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm." Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?" Witness: "Borofkin." Lawyer: "What's his first name?" Witness: "I can't remember." Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?" Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?" Witness: "I refuse to answer that question. Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?" Witness: "I refuse to answer that question. Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?" Witness: "No." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?" Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "What is your marital status?" Witness: "Fair." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Are you married?" Witness: "No, I'm divorced." Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?" Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?" Witness: "My ex-widow said it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?" Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?" Witness: "Yes sir." Lawyer: "Before or after he died?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?" Witness: "Picking them up in the air." Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?" Witness: "Attached to the ears." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?" Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?" Witness: "Oral." Lawyer: "How old are you?" Witness: "Oral." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?" Witness: "She is my daughter." Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "And what did he do then?" Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead." Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?" Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?" Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital." Lawyer: "It was covered?" Witness: "Yes, bandaged." Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?" Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?" Witness: "I could see his head." Lawyer: "And where was his head?" Witness: "Just above his shoulders." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?" Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?" Witness: "The victim lived." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas." Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval." -------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?" Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

*The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic. Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.)

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