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| The Distracted Ones | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Attention Deficit Disorder in your browser- The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working. |
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| Thought of the Week A day without sunshine is like, night |
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| Issue XIII, Monday, August 29, 2005 |
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| View past pics of the week here. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| News (We are not making these up, Honest!) Square, Right, Squre, Square, L2, X, Triangle, X, Triangle New York (MSNBC-AP) 07/27/05-In July, after word got out that the video game "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" Could be fitted with an update to make some of the scenes sexually explicit, an 85-year-old grandmother sued Rockstar Games for having failed to rate the game AO (Adults Only, ages 18 & up) to account for the modification. However, she freely purchased the M-rated version (Ages 17 & up) for her then 14-year old grandson. Giving her something to live for Macerata, Italy (Reuters) 07/02/05-Italian courts have finally scheduled Amelia Cuccioletti's property-rights case for further proceedings at 9:30 a.m. March 25th, 2010. Cuccioletti is 98 years old.. |
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| You're here, dude. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Your Horoscope:* Saturn arrives amidst much pomp and circumstance, causing your enimies to circle. Attempt a full and seemingly wholesome apology and use this period to recharge your batteries. Your reward for being this entertaining to the planets will not go unnoticed much longer. Avoid wearing plaids. |
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| Ask the Magic 8-Ball* Q:Does Fanta Orange and pop rocks inserted up the anus cure hemorhoids? A:It is certain |
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| Distractions | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Links | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Useless Website of the Week: Dress your Gay Dog! Click here to go there. |
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| Your fortune cookie says:* Bird in hand makes hard to blow nose |
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| Surrealist Compliment: Your face does bend even the most anorexic mirror into a sensuous playground of muscular spasms. |
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| Zen question: If the #2 pencil is the most popular pencil, why is it still #2? |
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| Completely Useless facts: American Airlines saved $40,000 per year by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class. There are 318,979,564,000 ways to play the first four moves in chess. Most scorpions will glow under a blacklight. Charlie Chaplain once won third in a Charlie Chaplain lookalike contest. |
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| This week's joke: What do you get when you mix ExLax with holy water? A religious movement |
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| Other funky stuff: "Things Learned From Children" The following list was written by a mother of 3 in Austin, TX (poor lady). Those of you not nodding their heads out there should veiw this as a warning: 1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. 2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. 7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. 8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her. 9. Super glue is forever. 10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. 11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time. 16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. 17. It will however make cats dizzy. 18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. |
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| *The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic. Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.) |
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