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The Distracted Ones
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The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working.
Thought of the Week
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Issue XIV,
Monday, Sept 5, 2005
View previous pics of the week here
News
(We are not making these up, Honest!)
Best little Jail Cell in Texas
SAN ANTONIO, TX (AP) 08/26/05- Authorities are investigating how a male prisoner managed to lock himself up with eight female prisoners at the Wilson County Jail.
"We're assuming the motive was sexually related, but nobody is saying anything happened," Chief Deputy Deagen said Thursday. "Everyone says nothing happened, they only talked."
Deagen said Krist was in the cell for about 11 hours Monday, jailed on a bank robbery charge.

Job security?
ST. AUGUSTINE, FL. (WJXT-Kacksonville) 08/26/05 -- A Jacksonville Fire-Rescue ladder truck returning from being repaired caught on fire on Interstate 95, sending flames and smoke into the air and forcing officials to briefly stop all northbound traffic.
Read the full story (with pictures) here.
This Week's Issue
Archive
Your Horoscope:*
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
Fun Stuff
Pictures
Distractions
Ask the Magic 8-Ball*
Q:Was George W. Bush replaced with an evil twin who has a bad temper and inferiority complex ?
A:It is decidedly so
Other Stuff
Links
Smiley of the week
Useless Website of the Week:
Traffic Cone Preservation Society
Click here to go there.
Your fortune cookie says:*
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Surrealist Compliment:
You are as truthful as a Communist in the streets of Milan.
Zen question:
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
Completely Useless facts:
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma
A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
This week's joke:
Q: What’s the difference between Canada and Minnesota?
A: In Canada, Moosehead is a beer. In Minnesota, it’s a misdemeanor.
Other funky stuff:
30 Fun things to do while driving

-1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.
27. Stop and collect road kill.
28. Stop and pray to road kill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
*The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic.

Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.)
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