The Distracted Ones

Attention Deficit Disorder in your browser- The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working.

Thought of the Week Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Issue  XV Monday, Sept 12, 2005

News (We are not making these up, Honest!) Starting from scratch Kiev, Ukraine (AP) 9/8/2005-- Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko has fired the country's government. He says a lack of team spirit motivated his decision and appointed a former economics minister in charge of a parliamentary committee as acting prime minister. Yushchenko also accepted the resignation of the head of the Security and Defense Council Somebody get FEMA a map... Charleston, SC (AP) 09/07/2005- Dozens of medical professionals rushed to a hangar in Charleston Tuesday afternoon to prepare for 180 injured evacuees from Hurricane Katrina, only to find the flight was actually on its way to Charleston, WV, more than 500 miles away.It was the second time in about six hours the Federal Emergency Management Agency told South Carolina officials a plane full of people escaping the disaster was heading to the state's coast, only to have it end up in West Virginia.

Pic of the Week

Check out all of the past Pics of the week here.

This Week's Issue

Archive

Your Horoscope:* The Solar Eclipse in Aquarius assists you in seeing what you need to eliminate in order to clean the palate and taste different, previously inexperienced tastes of life. Experiment with this taste-test; always keep a spit bucket nearby.

Fun Stuff

Pictures

Distractions

Ask the Magic 8-Ball* Q:Do you love me? A:My sources say no Q:What sources? You’re seeing someone else, aren’t you? A:Better not tell you now Q:Don't avoid the question. I can handle it. A:Very doubtful Q:Is there someone else? A:Yes Q:But what about us? A:Outlook not so good Q:But I thought we were meant to be together. A:My reply is no Q:Fine. Leave. You two deserve each other. I hope you’re happy. A: As I see it Yes Q:I’m better off without you. A:Don't count on it

Other Stuff

Links

Useless Website of the Week: Dehydrated Water! Free Samples! Click here to go there.

Your fortune cookie says:* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Surrealist Compliment: My elbow sockets sharpen pencils when you pass by on divine fumes of industrial combustion.

Zen question: Is there another word for synonym?

Completely Useless facts: Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue. There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open

This week's joke: A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Other funky stuff: Top 20 Engineering Terminologies 1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind. 2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college. 3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame. 4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech. 5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered. 6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. 7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works. 8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit. 9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless. 10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now. 11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up. 12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done. 13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull! 14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely. 15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design. 16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift! 17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED. 18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked. 19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off. 20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

*The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic. Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.)

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