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| The Distracted Ones | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Attention Deficit Disorder in your browser- The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working. |
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| Thought of the Week If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. |
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| Issue XVI Monday, Sept 19, 2005 |
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| News (We are not making these up, Honest!) What were you thinking? Escanaba, Mich. (AP) 09/09/05-A man who reported a safe stolen from his home may now face charges after police found the safe. The man reported that someone broke into his home Aug. 9 and took the 200-pound safe, which contained hunting gear and a collection of silver dollars. Deputies recovered the safe, still locked. When they called the owner to open it, they discovered the items he described, along with $500 cash and almost 1 lb. of marijuana. College Students everywhere are drooling... BERLIN (Reuters) - A German brewer has concocted what he says is the world's strongest beer, a potent drink with an alcohol content of 25.4 percent that is served in a shot glass. "Everyone who has tried it is enthusiastic. It tastes like a quirky mixture of beer and sherry," said Bavarian brewer Harald Schneider, who lives in southern Germany. He said his beer is fermented for 12 weeks for an alcohol content twice that of Germany's other strongest beers. |
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| Pic of the Week Check out our past pics of the week here. |
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| This Week's Issue | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Archive | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Your Horoscope:* Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day, you might have been better prepared. Invite your boss to dinner, and then hint at playing twister. Wink a lot. |
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| Fun Stuff | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Pictures | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Distractions | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Ask the Magic 8-Ball* Q:Is John Roberts going to win the nomination by placing subliminal messages in foreign language Fanta commercials? A: It is certain. |
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| Other Stuff | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Links | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Useless Website of the Week: Smurf Name Generator (Brought to you by Raspy Smurf) Click here to go there. |
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| Your fortune cookie says:* He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit. |
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| Surrealist Compliment: Your mother once had eyes that shone like the legs of Mae West. |
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| Zen question: If We Quit Voting, Will Politicians All Go Away? |
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| Completely Useless facts: Monaco's national orchestra is bigger than its army. The Bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissible in an American court. The name of the 'Love Boat' was the 'Pacific Princess' Albert Einstein was once offered the Presidency of Israel. He declined saying he had no head for problems. |
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| This week's joke: The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday." |
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| Other funky stuff: The Dating Guide: What They Say Vs. What They Mean "We need to talk." - "I'm pregnant" "I had a wonderful time last night." - "Who the hell are you?" "I've been thinking a lot." - "You're not as attractive when I was drunk" "I've learned a lot from you." - "Next." "I want a commitment." - "I'm sick of masturbation" "I have something to tell you." - "Get tested." "I'm a romantic." - "I'm poor" "I never meant to hurt you." - "I thought you weren't a virgin." "Trust me." - "Let's just keep this between you and me, pumpkin." "I love you." - "God, what have I gotten myself into?" "I think we should just be friends." - "You're ugly" "Haven't I seen you before?" - " Nice ass" "Was it good for you?" - "I'm insecure about my manhood" "I think we should see other people." - "I have been seeing other people" "Let's get married." - "Does that mean we can do it now?" "We don't have to do anything until you're ready." - "Put out or get out." "I still think about you." - "I miss the sex." "Is there something wrong?" - "Is it supposed to be this soft?" "You're so mature." - "I hope you're eighteen." "Yes...Yes...(scream!)." - "Aren't you done yet?" |
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| *The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic. Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.) |
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