The Distracted Ones

Attention Deficit Disorder in your browser- The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working.

Thought of the Week Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Issue  XVII Monday, Sept 26, 2005

News (We are not making these up, Honest!) Slowly let off of the clutch... SHAWNEE, Kan. (AP) 09/26/05 - A would-be carjacker got away with nothing more than the keys Monday after he apparently was thwarted by the car itself. A shotgun-armed thief ordered a 26-year-old man out of his Chevrolet Camaro in a suburban Kansas City parking lot. The driver complied, but when the robber got into the car he was unable to manage the stick shift. The robber fled the scene in a four-door car that someone else was driving. Another excuse to watch reality shows WATERLOO, N.Y. (AP) 09/12/05 - Nicholas Cerino could recognize one of "America's Most Wanted," as the fugitive profiled on the show Saturday night was sitting in his living room. Mark Cerino, 41, was identified on the show as a contractor wanted in Florida for allegedly scamming elderly residents after last year's hurricanes. Nicholas Cerino said he was "just dumbfounded" to hear a warrant had been issued in Brevard County, Fla., for his younger brother, who has been staying at his home in central New York.

Pic of the Week Check out our past pics of the week here.

This Week's Issue

Archive

Your Horoscope:* You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work. On Wednesday, people will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely arousing

Fun Stuff

Pictures

Distractions

Other Stuff

Ask the Magic 8-Ball* Q:Isn't Halle Berry the absolute hottest thing on the planet? A: Yes.

Links

Useless Website of the Week: Name that candy bar Click here to go there.

Your fortune cookie says:* If at first you don't succeed, try again.  Then quit.  No use being a damn fool about it.

Surrealist Compliment: Ermine derision scalds your protuberant nares.

Zen question: How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Completely Useless facts: during the late 1800's Americans drove more electric cars than gasoline cars. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver". Back in the 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.

This week's joke: A man walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, “Hey, you wanna hear a great Polish joke?” “Listen, pal,” the guy replies. “I’m Poland’s kick-boxing champion. My two friends here are both world-ranked judo masters, and they’re Polish, too. Now, you still want to tell that joke?” “Nah,” the man replies, “I don’t feel like explaining it three times.”

Other funky stuff: Poison-Prevention Tips Here are some helpful tips to reduce the risk of poisoning and know what to do in case it occurs: -Poison always comes in amber-colored bottles clearly marked with a skull-and-crossbones icon and the word "DANGER." If a substance is not in this type of bottle, it is safe to drink or huff. -For lower-body snakebites, immediately suck the poison out through the victim's penis. Spit out the deadly, milky-white venom and repeat as necessary. -Most household cleansers are harmful or fatal if swallowed. Learn to live in filth. -If bleach is swallowed, induce vomiting immediately with nude Judge Judy Internet pics. -Set aside a special blue set of coffee mugs as your "poison-only" drinkware. -If an ingested poison is flammable, spit out over open flame for awesome fireball effect. -Tell your children in no uncertain terms that poison is magical potion only for adults. -If dueling an arch-rival with poison-tipped swords, have a dying soliloquy prepared in advance, just in case. -If bitten by a poisonous animal, such as a scorpion, wasp, or water moccasin, gradually evolve a natural resistance. -If an acid is accidentally swallowed, neutralize with bass-heavy solution like Dr. Dre 2001. -Many substances, once fatal if ingested, now have effective antidotes. Treat yourself to a refreshing, ice-cold glass of methyl ethyl ketone today. -If you have young children, avoid purchasing bleach products bearing pictures of Pikachu drinking the bleach. -To avoid a potentially fatal case of arsenic poisoning, do not accept invitations from lonely old ladies to take tea in their parlors. -Avoid Snake Island at all costs.

*The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic. Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.)

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