The Distracted Ones

Attention Deficit Disorder in your browser- The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working.

Thought of the Week On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Issue  XVIII Monday, Oct 3, 2005

News (We are not making these up, Honest!) At least he has time to catch up on his reading MADISON, Wis. (AP) 10/02/05 - Matthew Brooke, 26, was charged Friday with felony theft of library materials and criminal damage to property, after he smashed a display case at the Wisconsin Historical Society to steal a Revolutionary War-era book worth $5,000, which contained a collection of the newspaper's issues dating from January to April 1777. Brooke told detectives he took the book because he wanted to read a story on page 106. Next time it'll be a bigger bag Evans, CO (KMGH-TV Denver) 09/22/05 - After his Jack Russell terrier was discovered missing from his fenced back yard on Sept. 10, the owner of a missing dog in Evans, Colo., said he has received a ransom note that threatens to kill his pet if he doesn't pay $100. When he came home from work Tuesday, he found a plastic bag in front of his house with the note and dog droppings. The owner said he didn't have $100 but left a note asking the writer not to kill his dog. "It looked like my dog's poop," the owner said, "but I'm not a dog poop analyst.".

Pic of the Week Check out our past pics of the week here.

This Week's Issue

Archive

Your Horoscope:* Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what's this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone. Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one. Don't go out today without a spatula. I've said too much already.

Fun Stuff

Pictures

Distractions

Ask the Magic 8-Ball* Q: Will watching old episodes of Mr. Ed and drinking imported beer in excess make me a possible future candidate for the Lictenstein Ambassadorship? A: Outlook Good.

Other Stuff

Links

Useless Website of the Week: Land of the Monobrow (and you thought the moustache contest was odd) Click here to go there.

Your fortune cookie says:* A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the ass.

Surrealist Compliment: My eyelids belch with effluvial afterthoughts when you tease me with gelatin and congealed chicken rinds.

Zen question: Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Completely Useless facts: Ronald Reagan appeared in more then 50 movies before becoming president. Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son. Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds. More money is spent each year on alcohol and cigarettes than on Life insurance.

This week's joke: This guy is flying down the interstate, going way faster than he should be, and consequently he gets pulled over by the state police. When the officer comes up to the window, the man says, “Before you say anything, I should probably tell you that this car is stolen, I have an unregistered handgun in the glove compartment, and there is a dead body in the trunk.” The officer, in absolute shock, calls for backup and within minutes the road is blocked off and there are cops all around. They search the car and find none of the things he said to be true. After investigating, the sergeant approaches the driver and says, “I don’t understand. I spoke with the officer who pulled you over, and he said you told him there was a gun in the glovebox, a body in the trunk, and that the car was stolen. What’s the deal here?” The man stands there dumbfounded, then says, “I bet he told you I was speeding, too, huh?”

Other funky stuff: Excuse Letters The routine is familiar: when a student is late or absent from school, a letter from the parents must be supplied for the absence to be excused. Sometimes such letters suggest that the parents were excused from school too many times in their own youth. "My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him." "Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot." "Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33." "Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating." "Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip." "John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face." "Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part." "Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins." "Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side." "Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels." "Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak." "Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust." "Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault." "Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday." "Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral." "My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines." "Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well." "Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps." "Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover." "Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor." "Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."

*The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic. Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.)

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