The Distracted Ones

Attention Deficit Disorder in your browser- The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working.

Thought of the Week Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Issue  XX Monday, Oct 17 , 2005

News (We are not making these up, Honest!) Politics heading in the right direction (AP) OAKLEY, ID 10/13/2005 - Idaho Municipal elections are coming up, but this city in southern Idaho has no candidates. Oakley has two city council vacancies to fill in November, but no one has filed the papers to be placed on the ballot, and the Oct 25 deadline for write-in candidacy is fast approaching.  No soup for you!! Next! TAMARAC, Fla. (AP) 10/14/2005- A Walgreens employee allegedly stabbed a co-worker in an argument over who could microwave her soup first. Both women wanted to use the microwave in the employee break room. While they were fighting over who could use the microwave first, Mellesia Grant grabbed a large kitchen knife off the counter and stabbed Merloze Tilme in the abdomen

Pic of the Week

Check out all of the past Pics of the week here.

This Week's Issue

Your Horoscope:* A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.  What fun!  You will discover that you can wiggle your ears Tuesday, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties. Good day to avoid pickled herring.

Archive

Fun Stuff

Pictures

Ask the Magic 8-Ball* Q: Will I one day meet my internet girlfriend, only to find out she is actually a 400 lb paraplegic sex fiend named Stanley? A: Outlook good

Distractions

Other Stuff

Links

Useless Website of the Week: Fly Guy Click here to go there.

Your fortune cookie says:* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Surrealist Compliment: Your affluent effluent drives even the most zeal-minded to imbibe.

Zen question: Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Completely Useless facts: The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head. America once issued a 5-cent bill. A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove. 23% of employees say they have had sex in the office.

This week's joke: A guy enters confessional and says to the priest, "I had an affair…almost." The priest says, "What do you mean ’almost?’" The guy says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped." "In the eyes of the Lord, rubbing against each other is the same as putting it in," says the priest. "For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $20 in the poor box." The guy leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment then starts to leave. The priest, seeing this, quickly runs over to him and says, "You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The guy stops and says, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $20 on the box, and in the eyes of the Lord, that’s the same as putting it in."

Other funky stuff: Air Traffic Controller Quotes Those people wearing funny little headsets telling airline pilots what to do may not seem to have a sense of humor, but sometimes they get out the best lines (Compiled from the web) Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight." A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land." Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

*The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic. Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.)

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