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The Distracted Ones

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The weekly newsletter for people that just don't feel like working.

Note to subscribers and readers: The Distracted Ones apologize for slacking off the past couple of weeks. Due to work constraints (we do have jobs, after all), we have not been able to update the site lately. The past few issues are sitting in our cache, collecting dust, and will be available in the Archive when they are complete. We apologize for any withdrawl symptoms this may have caused. But now we are very happy to be back, and will promise to be as irreverent as always.

Thought of the Week
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Issue XXII
Monday, Oct 31, 2005

Pic of the Week

News
(We are not making these up, Honest!)
Not the best thing to have on your annual review
Park Ridge, NJ (Courier News) 10/30/2005 - A crossing guard directing traffic in front of a high school was struck and killed by another crossing guard who was on his way to work in a nearby community. Marvin Hodgdon, 70 told police he didn't see Estelle Reynolds, 81, who was wearing high-visibility safety gear in front of Park Ridge High School.

Making the judicial system easier
BENTON, Ark. (AP) 10/24/2005 - A lawyer appealing his second drunken driving conviction was jailed Monday after he came to court intoxicated. A Saline County Circuit Court judge ordered Jerry Stewart, 59, jailed for contempt of court.

Gives a new level to the "flaming poop bag" trick

Your Horoscope:*
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing. By Thursday, you will be intensely jealous of a rival. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy. On Friday, between 6:32 AM and 7-ish you will have a lot of trouble with non sequiturs. Pizza doesn't have to have cheese, you know. Go Christmas shopping

Ask the Magic 8-Ball*
Q: Will the prophecy be fulfilled by Nov 11, in accordance with the sacred writings?
A: My reply is No

Distractions

Other Stuff

Useless Website of the Week:
This is actually a game that defies description
Click here to go there.

Links

Smiley of the week

Your fortune cookie says:*
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Surrealist Compliment:
You cannot compare with the apex of a ferris wheel, nor the nadir of a ditch filled with a coelocanth's droppings.

Zen question:
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Completely Useless facts:
� In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
� Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.
� A perfect SAT score is 1600 combined. Bill Gates scored 1590 on his SAT. Paul Allen, Bill's partner in Microsoft, scored a perfect 1600. Bill Cosby scored less than 500 combined.
� The day after President George W. Bush was reelected, Canada's main immigration website had 115,000 visitors. Before Bush's re-election, this site averaged about 20,000 visitors each day.

This week's joke:
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

Other funky stuff:
Best Bumper Stickers, Part I
Funny things you can read while you're plowing into the car in front of you.
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
Don't believe everything you think.
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
Life is short. So buy the shoes!
Never believe generalizations.
I don't think, therefore I am not.
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
Avoid alliterations always.
Dyslexics are teople poo.
Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.
Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The control key on the keyboard does not work.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?
Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.
Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.
I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.
So many cats, so few recipes.
Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
On your mark, get set, go away!
What would Scooby do?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Let's skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.

*The magic 8 Ball, horoscope, and the fortune cookie's responses are for entertainment purposes only. As we are fully aware of the gifts of these seers, if taken literally you could hemorrage severely. But you know you believe it. Admit it. Your life cannot continue until you learn what these oracles have to offer. How pathetic.

Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I don't know what I'm doing. (My employers certainly have no idea.)